Taylor

Dear Whoever,

My world is becoming white noise. I go to school everyday and live my life I suppose but it never feels right. It used to. I used to feel whole going to school and then coming home to see them. My friends. My cousin. Her boyfriend, the guy I can never have but will forever want. And my friend who is first and foremost my cousin’s friend. I was fine with that, that made me feel right. Junior year was supposed to be the hardest academically, not emotionally.

But of course, it’s now going to be one of those years that I try so hard to block out from my memory. He left first. September 7th was the last day that I talked to him, the last time I actually got to talk to him. It hurts so fucking much to event think his name but I can’t tell anyone that. I can’t tell Valerie or Raquel because its dumb to them that I’m still stuck on it. I can’t tell Melanie because he was hers. He was hers and I shouldn’t be in actual physical pain over a boy that was never once mine.

I’ve been telling myself that every day for the past twenty days, that he was never mine. Not my best friend not any of that. But, but then I look back at messages and I want so badly to go back to those days. The days before he was dating her, the ones where he was my friend and not hers. The days where I had him all to myself. That is probably the most selfish thing that I’ve ever put into words. I needed that out though. I needed those words out my head.

I miss him. Every fucking day I miss him. I miss his smile. His laugh. His overall personality. I think about texting him one day, just asking for an explanation. Asking for a goodbye. That’s what I want if I can’t have him in my life. I want a fucking goodbye. I want him to look me in the eyes and tell me goodbye. Just like he did when he told me that he loved me in the kitchen the one night we all got in trouble. I want that. That is what brought me to this downward spiral of wanting him again.

No actually, that wasn’t it. It was the day that we sat downstairs in Melanie’s kitchen while she was cleaning and we talked about cats. That is the day that I fell in love with him. I didn’t realize that that was what was stirring in my chest but now I know that feeling. I also know what it feels like to have that feeling suffocate you. I know what that means now. I know what all of this love bullshit feels like and I never want to feel any sort of emotion again.

I don’t care about the stuff. What I care about is the memories. Can I get all of the memories back? The ones where I was having so much fun that I forgot to breath. He was the only person that I could get me to stand in front of a train for a second longer that I should. He was the only person who could get me to risk my life for fun, and he taught me to love the feeling. Can I get those memories back? Can I replace him in those memories with someone who won’t leave? Please. I just want to stop remembering. Stop remembering those eyes, stop remembering his hugs. Stop remembering everything about him. Stop wondering if he is going to wish a happy birthday, or a merry Christmas. I want to forget all about him. But at the same time, I don’t. I don’t want to let him go just yet. I don’t want to give up just yet. I haven’t tried everything to keep him in my life. But I also know that no matter what I do he’s gone and he’s never coming back.

Annabeth: And what?

Percy: Did it look cool, like in the movies?

Annabeth: You peed yourself.

You: Winter Solstice

Rhysand: Feyre, you deserve an award for putting up with me

Feyre: You are my award, Rhysand

Cassian: Nesta, you deserve an award for putting up with me

Rhys: Feyre... you're beautiful...

Feyre: *blushes*

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Rowan: Aelin... you're beautiful...