#feelingnotenough

Dear Whoever,

My world is becoming white noise. I go to school everyday and live my life I suppose but it never feels right. It used to. I used to feel whole going to school and then coming home to see them. My friends. My cousin. Her boyfriend, the guy I can never have but will forever want. And my friend who is first and foremost my cousin’s friend. I was fine with that, that made me feel right. Junior year was supposed to be the hardest academically, not emotionally.

But of course, it’s now going to be one of those years that I try so hard to block out from my memory. He left first. September 7th was the last day that I talked to him, the last time I actually got to talk to him. It hurts so fucking much to event think his name but I can’t tell anyone that. I can’t tell Valerie or Raquel because its dumb to them that I’m still stuck on it. I can’t tell Melanie because he was hers. He was hers and I shouldn’t be in actual physical pain over a boy that was never once mine.

I’ve been telling myself that every day for the past twenty days, that he was never mine. Not my best friend not any of that. But, but then I look back at messages and I want so badly to go back to those days. The days before he was dating her, the ones where he was my friend and not hers. The days where I had him all to myself. That is probably the most selfish thing that I’ve ever put into words. I needed that out though. I needed those words out my head.

I miss him. Every fucking day I miss him. I miss his smile. His laugh. His overall personality. I think about texting him one day, just asking for an explanation. Asking for a goodbye. That’s what I want if I can’t have him in my life. I want a fucking goodbye. I want him to look me in the eyes and tell me goodbye. Just like he did when he told me that he loved me in the kitchen the one night we all got in trouble. I want that. That is what brought me to this downward spiral of wanting him again.

No actually, that wasn’t it. It was the day that we sat downstairs in Melanie’s kitchen while she was cleaning and we talked about cats. That is the day that I fell in love with him. I didn’t realize that that was what was stirring in my chest but now I know that feeling. I also know what it feels like to have that feeling suffocate you. I know what that means now. I know what all of this love bullshit feels like and I never want to feel any sort of emotion again.

I don’t care about the stuff. What I care about is the memories. Can I get all of the memories back? The ones where I was having so much fun that I forgot to breath. He was the only person that I could get me to stand in front of a train for a second longer that I should. He was the only person who could get me to risk my life for fun, and he taught me to love the feeling. Can I get those memories back? Can I replace him in those memories with someone who won’t leave? Please. I just want to stop remembering. Stop remembering those eyes, stop remembering his hugs. Stop remembering everything about him. Stop wondering if he is going to wish a happy birthday, or a merry Christmas. I want to forget all about him. But at the same time, I don’t. I don’t want to let him go just yet. I don’t want to give up just yet. I haven’t tried everything to keep him in my life. But I also know that no matter what I do he’s gone and he’s never coming back.

As a women's leadership expert coach, keynote speaker and bestselling author for over 21 years, I've seen time and time again that Imposter Syndrome is one of the biggest things that gets in the way of brilliant, powerful women rising to the leadership and success they desire (and, quite frankly, deserve).

You know the feeling, right?

You walk into a meeting (or zoom into a meeting as the case may be) and feel a lump in your throat. You've prepared, ok fine OVER prepared, and are ready to make your contribution.

The time comes for you to speak up and you hesitate. Maybe you even freeze up. You have a voice in your head saying, "Who do you think you are? If you speak up, they're going to find out you're a fraud!"

You try to shake it off. You might even say a few words, but your true power and confidence are nowhere to be found.

You leave the meeting feel defeated and immediately beat yourself up! How could you let this happen again?

Or maybe you do OK in meetings, but you are incredibly hard on yourself when you do succeed. You are sure that any compliment or acknowledgement of your work is only someone trying to be nice. Or the fact that you just became the top sales manager is simply due to luck (even though it's your twelfth time!).

Imposter syndrome hijacks your confidence, contribution, and celebrations.

You are not alone. Imposter syndrome is all too common.

A 2019 study called "Overcoming Impostor Feeling; How Senior Executives Manage Their Insecurities" found that female leaders experience imposter syndrome to a higher degree than men. More than half (54%) of women scored frequent or high versus a quarter (24%) of men. Unconscious bias around gender and leadership is a likely contributing factor, the researchers stated.

In my own experience in the past two decades of coaching many emerging, rising and established women leaders, I've found imposter syndrome to be extraordinarily common and paralyzing when left unchecked.

Sometimes Imposter Syndrome can be a bit illusive, so I want to share with you 7 signs that it's afoot:

You never feel enough: When you feel like a fraud or imposter, you constantly feel like you just can't measure up. You feel small, inadequate and swim in a sea of self-doubt.

You expect perfection: Unrealistic expectations run amuck when you suffer from Imposter Syndrome. You beat yourself up for the tiniest imperfections and that can make you procrastinate or hold back altogether. Perfectionism is brutal and is a sure fire way to lead you to feeling inadequate.

You compare and despair: Do you constantly compare your worst to everyone else's best? It's a setup for feeling like a fraud and an imposter. I like to tell my clients to stop comparing the truth of your life to someone else's curated social media account. It's far from apples to apples, and you never know the truth of someone else's life. Hence the perfect holiday card in the mail boasting of effortless perfection, followed by the announcement of a divorce two weeks later.

You constantly feel like you need to prove yourself:  The underlying belief is that you haven't earned your place, no matter how many dues you've paid in full. You feel like you'll be found out at any moment, so you keep dancing as fast as you can, proving your worth by over-preparing, excessively talking, or collecting evidence to boost your fragile ego.

You self-sabotage: When the imposter narrative feels like truth, you will sabotage your success. It might show up as procrastination, resistance, or running worst case scenarios until you don't even bother trying. If you feel like you have a pattern of being self-destructive, chances are imposter syndrome is part of the problem.

You never feel like you actually belong: It's easy to walk into a room or meeting, even online, and feel like an imposter. Especially if you're the only woman or woman of color in the room. Feeling like an outsider eats away at your confidence, joy and self-esteem.

You attribute your success to luck: Whenever you have a win, cross the finish line or have a triumph, you are quick to think of it as dumb luck vs. actually owning it. You dole out credit to others in abundance, but giving yourself credit is rare.

Does any of the above sound familiar? Then Imposter Syndrome may be running the show in your life.

The truth is Imposter Syndrome is part of the human experience, but it doesn't have to hijack your life or success.

If you are ready to overcome Imposter Syndrome and own your worth and accomplishments, I have two free resources for you:

Begin by taking a free Imposter Syndrome Quiz here to begin unraveling it.

Attend my upcoming FREE training: Overcoming Imposter Syndrome: 3 Keys to Break Free of Feeling Not Enough.