sigh my heart, but do not break

grief is so crazy like what if i forget what her laugh sounds like. does she know i loved her. i miss her so much. i catch myself doing things she used to do. i wish i could call her. i miss her so much. i do a crossword puzzle. i cry while washing the dishes. does she know i loved her? my heart feels like a hummingbird. i miss her so much. what if i forget what her laugh sounds like. what if i forget.

i talked ab this feeling in therapy yday and my therapist asked me, “would it really be so bad if your memories changed? if they softened and faded or looked different over time? why does that frighten you so much?” and i said, “i don’t want the love to disappear.” and she looked at me for a long moment and then she said, “it won’t. it doesn’t work that way. even if the memories soften or change, it doesn’t mean the love does. that love keeps going backward in time, forever, because you love her still. all is not lost.” i just thought i would share that in case it resonated w anyone else too.

Full of love and it’s all real

God we lost a real one today

Say that again? I'm sorry. I got distracted by your little mannerisms, how you pronounce certain words, and the way your eyes light up when you talk about something you're passionate about, and started day dreaming about spending my life making you laugh, and feel loved and cherished

i can’t ever be normal i gotta think and obsess and think and obsess like will my mind ever know peace

youve died a thousand times before who caaares just climb out of this grave again & again &agaian & agaian & again & again & aga

That cozy feeling when raindrops are hitting your bedroom window and you're sitting there in comfort

i love stars because they are alone in the dark all the time & they aren’t even scared

ohhhh I get it!! The pain continues but so does the joy!!!!! Cool!!

If the world were truly a bad place the sea would not crash against the shore in such a mesmerizing display of untamable power and indescribable beauty

I'm too romantic for this world & it shatters my heart each time I think about it

there is no unlived life or alternative reality where everything went right…. there is only here and now what are you going to do with it

anne carson wrote beautifully about this: “i’m not saying move back towards life, i’m saying the future isn’t elsewhere. we’re locked in a spaceship, h of h, we have nothing but continuing.”

An absence so heavy it becomes a presence