So, until LilSis broke her engagement back in November, I had never heard the term “Shtar Mechila” before.
I feel like there is so much missing from both secular and Jewish education in Jewish day schools and although I had a “Jewish Life Cycles” class in my final year of high school, broken engagements weren’t even mentioned. Neither was divorce. And I think they should be. I think it’s important.
I think it’s important to learn about something that could arise in a frum person’s life and the proper way to approach and handle the situation. That includes the process of a get. And that includes the Shtar Mechila.
For those of you who don’t know, a Shtar Mechila is basically a letter of forgiveness that one or both parties involved send to each other. In some circles it’s a formal document similar to a kesuba, where there are spaces for each party’s full name and is signed by both the girl and the boy. In other circles, a simple, informal letter of forgiveness will suffice.
Back in the olden days when times were simpler, hashkafos were simpler, and family arranged marriages were all the rage, families would usually sign an agreement at the time of the engagement called the Tenaim.
The tenaim was a formal document that basically served as a contract for the marriage, stating what the dowery was, other financial obligations (such as who would support the couple until they could afford to support themselves), arrangements for the chuppah, etc.
For some, this document was signed at the time of the engagement, and for others it was signed the day of the wedding. Either way, it was a binding contract tying the chassan and kallah to each other. It was basically an official betrothal.
THIS is the reason that the shtar mechila had to be created and enforced. If a couple became engaged and the family signed a legal binding document that bound the chassan and kallah to each other and then they broke off the engagement, it wasn’t as simple as returning an engagement ring and walking away. In order to break that official betrothal, they needed a document that stated that all was forgiven and that no one was beholden to anyone else in order for them to be able to move on and marry other people.
In some communities, tenaim are still written and signed, but it’s not halacha and the practice has fallen into disuse.
Since our family didn’t sign any Tenaim, it wasn’t technically required to break off the engagement. And Y.M.’s family lied about so many things, that had they written and signed a tenaim, a shtar mechila probably wouldn’t have been required anyway. However, our Rav told LilSis that she should write one. He stressed that it was important and more for kabbalistic/ayin hara reasons than anything else.
Well, now that LilSis and BZ are dating and want to announce their engagement after Pesach, the Rav got really agitated when he heard that LilSis hadn’t written a shtar mechila yet.
So my mom and I went to talk to her over at BZ’s family’s house (where she was hanging out) and I felt really awful interrupting their special time together, especially because LilSis got a bit upset.
She said she had no idea what to write and nobody was offering to help her and all the Rav said was that it was important, but he never explained to her exactly what it was or what it should say. So then everyone started offering to help.
PoppaZ shared with us that about 35 years ago he had a broken engagement and when he went to the Rav, he and the kallah were given a formal shtar mechila to fill out and sign, but the Rav he went to also told him to write a personal letter. Since he had this experience, he told LilSis not to worry, that he’d help her out and they’d send it off.
An hour later I messaged LilSis to tell her I was sorry for getting her upset and she said that it was ok, the letter had been written, signed, and was going to be sent out with a USPS tracking number to verify that Y.M. received it.
Now that that’s out of the way, I feel like it was a kind of closure for LilSis, because although it wasn’t on the forefront of her mind, she’s seemed a lot more relaxed since she sent it. She’s focussing on yontif, living in the moment with BZ and just being happy.
