#chassan

These are my elemental tablets. They are present, placed in their respective directions, during any ritual.

The yellow on purple background one is the alchemical symbol for the element of Air. It is in the East. The God Name associated with Air is Shaddai El Chai. The Archangel of Air is Raphael, and the Angel is Chassan. The Ruler of Air is Aral, and the King of the Air Spirits is Paralda, and those Spirits are called Sylphs. Air is warm and moist, the mediating element between Fire and Water.

The blue on orange background is the symbol of the element Water. It is in the West. The God Name associated with Water is Elohim Tzabaoth. Its Archangel is Gabriel, and its Angel is Taliahad. The Ruler is Tharsis and the elementals are called Undines. The Queen of Undines is Nichsa. Water is cool and moist.

The red on green background represents Fire. It is in the South. The God Name is YHVH Tzabaoth. Its Archangel is Michael, and its Angel is Ariel. Its Ruler is Seraph, and its spirits are called Salamanders. The Kind of the Salamanders is Djin. Fire is warm and dry.

There are several out there, but these are two that I happened to read within a few days of each other, so I figured I'd share. 

http://www.jewishpress.com/indepth/opinions/what-were-we-thinking/2014/01/09/

http://www.aish.com/ci/s/Where-Have-All-the-Good-Jewish-Men-Gone.html

Warning Signs

Although the story is pretty much over, I wanted to add one more post for two reasons:

1. 9 is not a round number ;)

2. A quick Public Service Announcement

When I was in seminary, we had a seminar about abusive relationships and my sister told me that when she went to seminary she had the same one from the same lady. And in retrospect, she should have recognized some of the issues earlier. 

One of the warning signs of an abusive relationship is the number of elaborate gifts that are showered on the victim. 

Y.M.'s family tried to buy her. 

Aside from offering to pay for wedding related things on a constant basis, even though they stated vehemently that they didn't have any money, they showered her with gifts at every turn.

There were smaller gifts, but here's a list of the big things she received from them: 

1. The engagement ring 2. A white gold and diamond heart shaped necklace 3. A set of silver candlesticks (actual silver) 4. A set of silverware (actual silver) 5. A Rosh Hashana honey dish (actual silver) 6. A leather bound siddur/machzorim/tehillem set with her full name on the front, including their last name. At that point they not only weren't married, but the wedding plans hadn't even been made yet. 7. A full set of Susie Fishbein cookbooks 8. A (truly hideous) sheitle that cost $1000

My sister felt overwhelmed each time they gave her a gift like that because she felt like they were smothering her a bit. She just wanted to spend time with them and instead they would give her stuff. 

My mom didn't like it because she felt that she had to reciprocate but couldn't because we don't have money. 

I personally thought it was just overkill, but at the time my sister seemed happy, so I just went with it, completely forgetting that it was one of the warning signs. 

As women, we naturally have a binah yesera. Women's intuition IS a real thing. As is gut instinct. If you have a concern, TELL SOMEONE. 

There are too many young people getting divorced, or worse, getting stuck in a marriage with someone abusive and/or won't give a get. 

Although I kept checking in with my sister to make sure she was ok with the engagement and Y.M, I can honestly say that if it hadn't been for the courage of E.S., my sister would probably be stuck in one of those marriages right now. 

Homeland security has adopted the phrase "IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING" in terms of suspicious packages, but it 100% applies in relationships too. 

If you have a relative or friend who looks like they're about to end up in a bad place, as a frum person, you have an obligation to save that person. 

My sister has said that although I kept after her, it wasn't something she was ready to admit even to herself. It literally took sitting down and being forced to recognize the issues she kept pushing aside for her to see just how bad her own situation was. 

Interventions do work. 

She's better for it and her relationship with E.S. is stronger than it's ever been. 

Telling the person them-self might not work, but if you talk to their parent, or like E.S. did, the person's Rav, you can make a difference. 

The Aftermath

In the wake of the broken engagement, several things happened:

1. Things calmed down quite a bit 2. Gifts were returned 3. Life got relatively back to normal

And then...

4. We started getting phone calls.

Since we got a jump on things and told everyone we knew that the engagement was off as soon as it was official, everyone heard it from us and knew that it was my sister who broke it off, though we avoided all lashon hara in the way we shared the information. We kept it basic and didn't say anything bad about Y.M. or his family, just that it wasn't the right shidduch and that they should each find the right person in the right time.

And since we were the ones to tell the story first, people sided with my sister and alerted her as soon as they realized something was amiss.

Y.M. was calling around. 

He wanted answers.

He somehow got phone numbers for people we know that he hadn't even met and was calling around and asking why my sister broke it off and wanting to know what information she had told them about him. 

Everyone told him that they didn't know the reason why it was called off, stating that it was between him and my sister. 

But the way he was going about it was like he was trying to make himself into a helpless victim. Like he was trying to get our friends to think my sister is crazy and that he was in the dark about the entire thing. 

They saw through it though and let us know what was going on. 

At that point, my sister collected all the gifts from his family along with the ring and put it with his stuff at the apartment. She then texted him and gave him a day and time to come and pick up his stuff. The landlord facilitated the whole transaction so that my sister wouldn't have to be there. 

As soon as his stuff was gone, things settled down again. 

My sister moved into the apartment and got back to work, and she seems at peace. 

As for Y.M., we have a reliable source that showed us that all these months later, he continues to change his whatsapp status quite often, and it's always something passive aggressive but clearly directed at my sister or their relationship. 

And the shadchan? Yeah, she's still not happy with my sister. She's apologized for her reaction, but it was also a passive aggressive sort of apology. My sister can't look at her the same and won't ever trust her to put together a shidduch for her again.

- - - - - - - 

My sister has said that she'll start dating again around February, but she's enjoying being single for the meantime. And she does have her eyes on another guy, so b'ezras Hashem, when the time is right, we'll see what happens. :)

Climax:

Every story has a climax, and the apex of this one came after my sister and I left the Rav's office. 

We got into the car and we both sat there for a minute, collecting thoughts. Then I had my sister pull out a notebook and start writing down specifics she wanted to discuss with Y.M. and phrases to use to tell him it was over. We went over the big ones and pulled advice from what the Rav had told her before she took out her phone.

Once the list was complete, she took a deep breath and dialed.

Y.M. answered the phone after two rings.

At this point, I would like to take a moment to mention that Y.M. comes from a very, very religious family. So religious, in fact, that his father didn't want the couple to have any contact for the two weeks leading up to the wedding instead of the standard traditional one week. And the strictness didn't stop with just seeing each other, but was in regards to talking on the phone and even texting as well.

For anyone that upholds that kind of strictness in this particular tradition, receiving a phone call during the week leading up to the wedding from someone who isn't supposed to be calling you should immediately be a warning sign. Clearly something is wrong or she wouldn't be calling.

And yet, he answered the phone casually. So casually that as soon as he answered, my sister gave me a funny look.

She asked him where he was and if he had time to talk and he said he was at work but he could definitely talk. She put her hand over the receiver and said, "he sounds smug."

That threw me for a loop. "What?"

"He sounds smug. Like he was expecting me to call."

It's still all assumption, but we both think that he was thinking she was so in love with him that she couldn't go even a week without talking to him.

I don't remember the exact words she used, but it was something along the lines of I feel awful doing this to you right now, and the timing could not have been any worse, but I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've spoken to my Rav, and I'm breaking off the engagement.

Then came the questions.

"What? Are you joking? Why is this happening?"

And then the apologies.

"I'm sorry. Whatever it is, I'm sorry. We can work this out. We can talk. Let's just talk. Everything will be ok. Ok, I'm sorry."

Then the accusations.

"Who's telling you these things about me? Was it her? Was it? I know it was her. She doesn't know me. She doesn't know my family. Whatever she said is a lie. She's never liked us anyway."

(Her, of course, being the friend who knew his family. My sister hadn't even mentioned her and he was already throwing accusations her way.)

Then the groveling.

"Please. Why are you doing this to me? Tell me what's wrong. We can work this out. I've never asked you to change. I've never asked you for anything. Why are you doing this to me? Please, just talk to me. We can work this out. It'll all be ok. Please don't do this to me. I can change. Whatever it is, I can change."

Throughout the conversation, my sister kept repeating herself and re-explaining the same things over and over, peppered with, "no! Y. you're not listening to me! that's completely not the point. you're not listening to me."

There was a pause in the middle where he stopped for a minute and I reminded my sister who was just getting aggrivated with the whole thing that she had come to the decision to end it a whole night before. That she had concerns and been mulling things over for months, while he was only just hearing about all of this now. That got her to take a deep breath and calm down a little, but when he got back on the phone it all started again.

After about 20 minutes of that, the conversation ended with him still assuming they just needed more time to talk. He said he wasn't going to tell his parents yet and he wanted our Rav's number. My sister said she'd text it to him and got off the phone.

She was extremely stressed and frustrated, understandably, but she called our Rav and left him a message telling him that Y.M. would be calling him soon and then texted the number over. 

Not even two minutes later, my sister's phone rang.

This time, it was the shadchan.

And she was pissed.

"What is this I hear?? What's going on?? What are you doing??"

So my sister explained how E.S. came to her and the Rav with concerns, how other people had concerns, and how after speaking with the Rav (whom the shadchan knows personally), she came to the decision to end it. 

The shadchan was furious. She said my sister should stop listening to lashon hara, that her friends were just jealous of the shidduch, and that she shouldn't let them tear apart her relationship. She said the shidduch was meant to be and my sister should call Y.M. and apologize.

I should note that the shadchan is a good friend of our family and someone my sister has always admired, and she was shocked and appalled at this response.

My sister asked her how on earth she knew about it so quickly when she had only just called Y.M. a short while before and she said that he called his aunt in a panic and the aunt called her. 

So, he wasn't ready to tell his parents, but he told his aunt. The aunt was the one at the event with his mom who saw my sister and thought of the shidduch in the first place, but it still seemed weird that he would talk to her about it before mentioning it to the two people who were funding half the wedding.

We wanted to start canceling wedding things, but weren't sure if we should do it all before he had even told his own parents. 

There wasn't much more we could really do at that point aside from wait. 

The Talk(s):

Talk 1

My sister and I sat up talking everything over until close to 4am. She cried about how she felt she was letting everyone down and I reminded her that it's better to let everyone down than to be stuck in a loveless, frustrating marriage to a dishonest person. 

I also reminded her of the meltdown she had the day of the vort and how I told her, even back then, that if she needed more time to get to know Y.M. she should tell them. And that it's never too late to break it off if it's wrong. 

Her response to that was assent, and then she told me something I didn't know - that meltdown was the first of three that she had over the course of the engagement. The second was with E.S. and the third was with my mom. 

She also cried about how she was so embarrassed. Since more than one person had gone to E.S. to mention that they thought something was wrong with the shidduch, and E.S. had serious concerns, and the Rabbi had his own reservations... to her it seemed like the whole world knew that this was wrong, yet nobody said anything to her until a week before the wedding. 

But nobody wants to be the one to break two people apart and be the seed of doubt. It's an awful position to be in. 

I reminded her that I've been here every step of the way and that I've been an advocate for her, not the shidduch. I've talked her through other situations, and I would be here for this one too. 

The next big talk would be to tell my parents. 

Talk 2

The problem with telling my parents is that my dad can't keep a secret and my mom is over dramatic and has anxiety.

We had a bris to go to that morning and had to be up early for it, but my mom leaves for work earlier than that, so I asked my sister how she wanted to handle it - tell my mom before she goes to work, which would let her ruminate on it all day and overthink everything or tell her when she gets home from work, which would be about 15 hours later, meaning my sister would have to sit on that information and not talk to anyone about it for that long.

She decided on the former rather than the latter and napped on the couch until my mom came downstairs two hours later. I stayed with her to help her talk it through.

Just as suspected, my mom over reacted and we thought she was having a heart attack. But she realized that neither one of us was upset or freaking out and she calmed down much faster than I ever would have guessed she would. Once she heard the whole story, she told my sister that she was really proud of her strong decision and gave her a big hug before leaving for work. 

Less than an hour later, the rest of the family was dressed and out the door for the bris. 

Talk 3

When we told my dad, he thought we were joking. Clearly we weren't. He didn't ask too many questions, just claimed that he wasn't Y.M.'s biggest fan from the beginning and started listing all his own grievances with the guy. That just made my sister extremely annoyed.

Talk 4

Next came the talk with the Rav, which I was asked to sit in on. The Rav mentioned how my sister seemed much more at peace than she had the night before. Much more clear minded and not angry anymore. 

My sister mentioned how she didn't feel angry at Y.M. or the situation anymore. She felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders and she was anxious to just move past everything. 

But there was one more talk she had to have before the moving on process could really kick into high gear: The talk with Y.M. 

Rising Action: 

The last thing my sister and I had on our lists were shoes, so six days before the wedding, we went to the mall.

We picked out our shoes and decided to stop by Nordstrom Rack before heading home to see if there were any nice outfits for sheva brachos. I managed to get a $250 dress for under $30, which was awesome. :)

My sister picked out a few dresses and headed to the changing room to start trying them on. While she was in there, I got a phone call from one of her best friends, E.S. She said she couldn’t get through to my sister, but that she had something important to talk about and it was time sensitive. I told her my sister was in a changing room, but that she’d call her back as soon as she could. 

Even before we headed to the checkout, my sister got a text from E.S. saying she needed to talk. Before my sister could reply, her phone rang and it was E.S. again. From the way the conversation went, it seemed to me like something was wrong and E.S. needed help from my sister as soon as possible. My sister said we were on our way out and that she could meet her around 9:30pm, giving us plenty of time to get home.

Seeing as my sister now had an appointment, we left the mall without stopping anywhere else, even though I had wanted to bring my sister to one more store. 

We got home and I sat on the couch to do some work while my sister put away her new purchases and then headed out when E.S. arrived.

As the hours ticked by, I was concerned when my sister didn't get home, because she had to get up early the next morning for work and we had a bris to go to as well.

10pm... 11pm... 12am... 1am...

At around 1:30am I saw red and blue flashing lights outside and they weren't moving, so I got curious and nervous and looked out to make sure everything was ok. There was a car double parked on our corner and it seemed from where I was standing to be E.S. and my sister. I grabbed a phone and called my sister to verify that it was her, but the call went straight to voicemail. 

I figured maybe it wasn't them, and it seemed like the cop was just sitting there, not really doing anything, so I went back to what I was doing. 

Around 2:15am, the front door opened and my sister came in. She came over to me with a weird look on her face, took off her engagement ring, slammed it down on a table and proclaimed, "Well. This is garbage."

My first thought was, Oh, God. He gave her a fake ring. She'd been meaning to get it appraised, so I figured maybe that's where they'd gone and the appraiser said it wasn't real. But what I said was, "What?"

She had a really odd look on her face, like a mixture of disgust, exasperation, and sarcastic elation. "It's garbage. And so is Y.M. He's a lying bastard."

I pulled out my headphones, closed my computer, and turned towards her as she sat down hard on a chair across from me. "O...k..." I said slowly, unsure of what was going on. "What happened?"

And so she told me.