#chosson

We had to wait 100 years, but it was perfect! 

Wedding of Emmie and Scott (Esther v’ Yisrael

Your question presupposes that the “normal” course of things is that because you love someone, you marry them. That’s how secular dating works: you meet someone, and you like them enough to spend more time with them. You spend more time with them, and you like them more. Eventually you spend long enough together and like each other enough to say you love each other, and because you love each other, you decide it makes sense to make spending time with each other permanent. Hopefully your values line up, but the main thing is that you love each other, and that alone will supposedly carry you through (hint: it often doesn’t).

That isn’t a Jewish concept.

I wanted to get married because being married and building a home and family is inherently valuable in Judaism. In order to do that, I needed to find someone I enjoyed spending time with (yes, that is important, as is physical attraction), but more importantly, who had a similar vision for our shared life together. When my chosson and I each realized after many in-depth conversations that we want the same things out of life and share the same values, that we enjoy spending time with each other, and (implied by the fact that we were still dating, though not explicitly discussed) that we are attracted to each other, we decided to get married so that we can build our life together.

Because he is the man I am going to build my life with, I love him. Because I am the woman he is going to build his life with, he loves me. We are not building a life together because we love each other; we love each other because we are building a life together. Love in the Jewish conception is not something you fall into, but something that is the outcome of giving to each other and growing with each other. I didn’t love him when we got engaged. I do love him now. But only a fraction as much as I will down the road, when we have shared more of our lives together.