#shidduch

Disclaimers:

This process is mostly the same for the majority of frum Ashkenazi Jews in the US, but since I am most familiar with the yeshivish world, I’m going to stick to what I know.

There will always be exceptions! “I know a guy who…” “This couple did…” You are correct! There are always outliers. I will be describing what I perceive as normal, relative to the people and stories that I know. If you did/are doing/want to do something different, go forth! 

I’m mostly referring here to a first marriage. I’m not as familiar with how a previously married person would date, but it does follow the same general lines. Sometimes. It depends.

I’m not sure what you, the specific reader’s, knowledge base is, so I’m assuming you know very little and will try to explain as much as I can.

I. General Knowledge

Dating in the yeshivish world is purely to find a spouse, it’s not for fun or short-term relationships. Romance is generally not the goal, the point is to see if the two people like each other and have similar goals and values. Men and women who are not related are not allowed to touch each other (shomer negiah) or be in an enclosed space alone together (yichud). 

II. Prep

The first thing that happens is that a person decides they are ready to start dating. Usually, after high school, girls and guys attend additional religious education (mostly in Israel). On average, girls start to date between the age of 19-21 and guys between 21-23.

At this point, they need to decide what kind of person they want to marry. What traits are important for their spouse to have, or if they’re looking for a certain background, etc. Since character traits/values are hard to pin down, and most people can be described as ‘nice’, there are certain concrete details they’ll have to provide. One of the most important ones is if they are, or are looking for, a ‘learning boy’.

Many yeshivish men will stay in yeshiva (hence the name) and continue to study the Torah after marriage. While they do get a stipend, it’s usually not much. So both guys and girls need to decide if that’s something that they want to have in their married lives, and if so, for how long.

Other things they’d have to decide might be the age range they’re looking for, family background, or where they would like to live.

After that’s been decided, the next thing to do is write up a resume. Yes, a resume. This resume should have:

A) Personal information

Name, age, address, sometimes height

Parents’ names and occupations, the shul (synagogue) the family attends

Siblings’ names/ages

Schools attended

Current occupation

B) References

Rabbi’s phone number

Phone number of siblings’ parents-in-law, if applicable

Family references, i.e. neighbors or family friends

Teacher(s)’ phone number

Phone numbers of friends

This resume, along with a headshot (I dislike this immensely) will be passed on to shadchanim (matchmakers, singular shadchan) and then to prospective dates. (If you're thinking "Boy, that's a lot of personal information of mine that just floating around!" Why yes. Yes it is.)

Note: It’s polite to ask the people on the resume if they are willing/able to give information about you before actually putting them down.

III. Suggestions

Suggestions for a shidduch (match) can come from either a professional shadchan or just any random person, who will be referred to as the shadchan, as well. A shadchan can be a neighbor, a friend, your aunt, or really just anyone who knows a boy and a girl and thinks “Huh, I wonder if they would like each other?” According to a statistic that I read that may or may not be true, around 40% of all suggestions are made by non-professional shadchanim. 

This is why mothers of singles tell them to always make sure to look nice when leaving the house, because “you never know who will see you and think of an idea.” I will admit that even though I dislike this, it is true.

Regarding professional shadchanim, since they don’t know you, you have to reach out to them yourself. Generally it is the mother of the boy or girl who will do this. The mother will describe her child and what they’re looking for over the phone, and sometimes the shadchan will meet the boy or girl in person as well. (I would generally advise not to have the parent come along, it doesn’t give a good impression.) (These are like dentist visits: necessary, annoying, and usually not as bad as you feared.)

Once the shadchan has an idea for a shidduch, they will usually reach out to the boy’s side first to describe the girl and send her resume (this is called ‘redting’). The parents will then call the references on the resume to find out more about the girl and her family, and decide if they want to proceed with the shidduch.

Either during this time or once the boy’s side says yes, the shadchan will redt the idea to the girl’s side, and they will do the same, calling the references on the boy’s resume.

Common research questions will be:

What can you tell me about the family?

What can you tell me about the boy/girl?

Tell me about their values.

How did the parents raise their children?

What does the boy/girl like to do in their free time?

Are they conscientious in their Torah learning and/or tefilla (prayer)?

How do the children-in-law feel about their parents-in-law?

Are they involved in chessed (kindness, charity)?

Having been a reference for friends of mine, I can tell you that sometimes references will get asked absolutely out-of-pocket questions, but these are a sampling of the questions that will usually be asked.

If you agree to be a reference for someone, here are some things to know:

Prepare beforehand! Plan something out in advance, and ideally write some short notes. If someone asks you to tell them about your friend, you want to have a spiel that talks about their personality and good traits.

Bring examples! Telling a story of a time that the person did something kind is much more impactful than simply stating that they’re kind.

Ask the person who you’re a reference for what kind of boy/girl they’re looking for. This can be part of your notes.

If you’re asked, “Is the boy/girl smart?” don’t answer with “Not really.” (This actually happened.) Say positive things! If they’re not stupid, then they’re smart. Or they’re smart with people. Be diplomatic.

Having said that, don’t give false information. The goal is not to have the other side say yes to your friend, but rather for them to get a good picture of who this person is.

Try to give off a good impression. Your behaviour will reflect on your friend as a person.

If you are the one calling for information, remember that you’re giving off an impression, too. If I had the mother of a boy call me and ask weird questions, I’d call my friend immediately after and say “Hey, Mrs. So-and-so called me for info, and she was odd. Maybe stay away from this one.”

Once both sides give a yes, the shadchan will arrange a day and time for the date that works for both sides.

(This is the part where I begin to panic. Help I have nothing to wear, what if I like him, what if it's awkward, aaaaaaaaaah, etc.) (It will be awkward at first. It always is.)

IV. The Early Dates

A. Date Prep

Preparing for a date looks different depending on whether you are the boy or the girl. For a boy, preparations include deciding on a place to go. 

The first two, or sometimes three, dates take place in a hotel lobby, so find out hotels that have nice seating areas. If at all possible, try checking places out in person so that you don’t need to wander around trying to find a spot to sit. A good spot will have comfortable chairs, be semi-private, and not be near any distracting TVs.

Also, the guy will usually rent/borrow a car for the date, as most guys don’t have a car at their disposal.

Other tips:

Make sure to have a backup hotel too, just in case. (On one date, we drove to a hotel, but there was an event going on there so we went to his backup.) 

Have the hotel addresses and a GPS so you don’t get lost. 

Clean your car! No girl wants to get into a dirty car.

Stock your car with umbrellas, tissues and water bottles.

Bring a straw for your date, the hotel bar may not have. (When guys did this for me, it felt very thoughtful.)

Make sure you look clean and neat. It matters a lot.

Since the guy is the “host” for the date, it’s his job to make sure his date is comfortable and the conversation is flowing. Prepare some open-ended questions to ask when conversation lulls.

Since the guy will be coming to the girl’s house to pick her up, preparations for the girl include making sure the house looks neat and clean. A dirty house gives off an impression of a messy family life. (My mother always makes sure the bathroom is extra clean before a date, but we’ve been told that a guy would rather use the side of a house than use the bathroom at his date’s house 😂)

Set the table with some small pastries, chocolates, candy or nuts and some water.

Yes, the guy is the host, but you should also prepare some questions to ask to keep the conversation going.

I’ve noticed that the dress code on dates has become slightly more casual than previously. I think it went from wedding guest attire to like, very slightly plainer than that.

B. The Actual Date

Usually, the date will begin at the girl’s house, but it’s pretty common for this to happen at a close relative or family friend’s house. (This is usually for reasons of privacy if the girl’s house is in a busy area, or she has many younger siblings. I’ll go more into the privacy topic below.)

A few minutes after the scheduled time for the date is when the boy rings the doorbell. (In my opinion, this should be 3-5 minutes after.) The door is opened by the parents of the girl, they greet him and invite him inside to sit at the table which was set earlier. At this point, the girl is not in the room.

The parents of the girl will begin some small talk with the guy. This should be the smallest of small talk - how was the traffic, the weather is crazy, etc. The parents can ask what yeshiva and/or shul he goes to, just to play a bit of Jewish geography.

The parents should offer him some of the food/drink that’s on the table. The boy should refuse. The boy ALWAYS refuses. There are numerous jokes about setting out plastic food on dates, because he never ever eats it. The parents know this. The boy knows this. The fancy china on the table knows this. We must still go through the skit.

After a few minutes of chit-chat, the mother goes to get the girl, and brings her to the table. At this point, she either sits down and they chit-chat for another minute, or he stands up right away and they leave on the date.

There is a big debate about whether or not to open the car door for the girl. Some feel that that’s just a polite thing to do. Others feel that it’s an infiltration of non-Jewish culture into the frum world, as it’s seeing women as weaker or lesser, when the frum view is that men and women are equal but with different roles. I personally prefer when a guy opens my door, but don’t take it as a bad thing if they don’t. But I do have friends who really dislike when guys open their doors, so it’s subjective.

Either way, they get into the car and drive to the hotel. At the hotel, they either sit down first and talk for a bit before getting a drink and sitting down again, or get the drink then sit down. I usually ask for water. The once that I did ask for a soda, the guy could help but look really shocked for a second before getting it, and I never. did it. again. That could just be a him thing, but I don’t think so, based on others’ experiences.

(Interestingly, many times when a guy brought me to a hotel, he asks if I've been there before on a date. Always makes me slightly uncomfortable to discuss other guys I've dated, even indirectly, but 🤷‍♀️ they never seem uncomfortable if I say yes lol.)

Topics of conversation on a first date include things like: siblings - how many and what do they do, school experiences, vacations you’ve been on, hobbies, etc. Nothing too deep or personal. 

DO NOT ask a guy about what he’s learning (in Torah). I personally like to hear about that kind of thing, but it’s seen as you quizzing the guy, which is bad. Never say anything disparaging about yourself on a date, even as a joke. A lot of guys do this, but remember: this person is a stranger, they don’t really know you or your sense of humor yet. As I mentioned, compliments (or even just observances) on appearances should ALWAYS be avoided.

I was always told that a first date is just to see if the other person seems sane and normal, and that you don’t absolutely hate each other. So a first date should be pretty surface level, with light, fun, easy-breezy conversation. After that, things slowly get deeper. On a second or third date (usually third), I’ve had guys bring some cards with conversation topics to discuss.

After 2-3 hours of talking, the boy should suggest, “Oh, do you want to head back?” This is not a question, the answer is “Yeah, sounds good.” They drive back to the girl’s house and he drops her off. He does NOT walk her to her door. One guy that I dated got out of the car when I did and stood next to it as I walked inside, but most just parked and let me out.

At some point that evening or the next day, the boy’s side lets the shadchan know if it’s a yes or a no. The shadchan contacts the girl’s side with the answer, and hears if they’d like to proceed. I’ve heard many people say that unless the first date was a total disaster, they should try a second date.

Dates are usually spaced out to be on average two a week, but that can depend on many things.

V. The Later Dates

Later dates have much fewer hard and fast rules as the earlier dates. These dates can be at a restaurant, or a park, or anywhere that has an activity and is good for talking. Usually the awkward talking with the parents at the beginning will be skipped also.

The number of dates to go on before an engagement varies a lot! Most of my siblings got engaged on the 8th date, but one got engaged on the 14th. One of my cousins got engaged after 5, and a friend of mine says 10 is the minimum. It should be at a point where both people feel ready to get engaged, but not so long as to be stringing them along or dragging it out.

In the end, dating usually takes between 1-2 months. Although I do know many people who dated for shorter than that, the general consensus is if it works for them, fine, but it’s very surprising and not recommended. (There's a well known dating coach who went on THREE dates with his future wife before getting engaged. 🤣 He did date other girls before though.)

As I briefly mentioned earlier, privacy while dating is a big deal. Most of my very close friends did not tell me they were getting engaged until a week or so before it happened, or even just the night before. (Even my sister, who I’m very close to, only told me about her future husband after the 5th date. I tell her about every date I have lol.) I will also generally not tell my friends about a date until I’ve stopped dating that guy and it’s been a week or two. This is also a very personal and subjective thing though.

Somewhere around the 5th date is when things will be getting serious. More important topics will be discussed on dates, and the girl will meet the boy’s parents. This usually happens at the beginning of a date, the parents and the couple will meet at the date location, talk for a few minutes, and then the parents will leave.

Once a couple decides to get engaged, they’ll tell their parents after the date, and often the next date will be the proposal.

At this point in time, the parents get together to discuss the financial matters of who will be paying for what in the wedding and how much will be contributed for the couple’s support.

The proposal date is often pretty short, lasting about an hour. The boy does not propose with a ring, but he will most likely give her a bouquet of flowers. (Note that he will say that this is from his mother, halacha (Jewish law) states that him giving a gift could result in a state called kiddushin, which is legally engaged and since that can make things very complicated, it’s avoided.)

Then the couple returns to girl’s house where they and their parents drink a toast, the couple takes a very awkward picture together (no touching!), and a small group of close friends and relatives join them for a small party with refreshments. This is called the l’chaim, and hooray! You’re engaged!

Please let me know if you have any questions or would like something clarified, as you can see I have lots to say on the subject! If you have any funny date stories, I’d love to hear!

Thank you for coming to my TEDTalk.