< thoughts p.5 >

every so often i think back on my “first love” and i’m terrified i’ll never feel for someone in that way again. or i’m scared i will and they’ll leave like he did. it just seems like it did all this fucked up shit to me but still is good. he has a whole girlfriend which she seems great or it looks like they have a really good relationship and it’s just like damn, what i do. why couldn’t i keep the only guy i really wanted. or maybe i was just so young and the feelings at that time overhwelmed me cause maybe i wouldn’t even like him now. but i just remember how it brought me to my true self in a way through music which than lead to every else. maybe it was just a short period in my life where i’d experience love but not long enough for it to be an everlasting feelings. maybe i just deserves those months and the years of heartbreak that followed. this happened in like 2018 and i’m still hurting from it and i hate that i am. i hate that i can’t seem to 100% get over this one. i hate that i feel i won’t ever feel for someone else like that again. i just feel like i wasn’t worthy. well fucking shit