#writtenbymyself

I don't expect you to wake up one day and say, 'I don't care anymore', because you have a heart of pure gold, a heart that starts to hurt at the thought of it. It's easy to live in a world where everyone tells you that you're the best thing that ever happened to them. When you are told that they are glad to know you, because you give them hope that they themselves no longer believed in. If you're a light to these people at the end of their tunnel. These words give you a cozy warmth for a little while. But a fleeting time later they leave a freezing cold and you wonder who you really are and why you do that. It's not like you have no friends, you have friends and, yet you feel an inner loneliness because you're only fit for most them when you're alright. On your bad days, you are suddenly alone in the rubble of your little world. However, I can always turn around and say, 'I did my best!' – seriously, nowadays who can do that. Very few people. 𝙼𝚢 𝚍𝚎𝚊𝚛 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎𝚜𝚊𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚖𝚎. I'm proud of you and what you do. Never lose your loving warmth or your humanity in this selfish world. People who get to know you are glad that they know you because you bring them so much attention and kindness that no one else ever could. Don't forget to pay more attention to yourself to be mentally and physically well. Ah, and don't forget to always love yourself until someone comes into your life who loves you more. If that's possible. You are a wonderful person. 𝚈𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏.

As an adult, everyone knows that stars are made of gas and plasma. This is no secret, even the people 300 years ago have found out, and yet the stories that have been told as a child are sometimes a lot more magical than the reality. As a child, my grandmother told me about the meaning of the stars, and even if I know the stars are made of gas, I still believe in the story of my grandmother, precisely because it's beautiful and so important to me. One day, my grandmother asked me to sit on her lap and listen to her story. Of course, I did what she asked me to do and then she started her story. "My child, you know, people who leave this earth find their way to heaven, they're not lost or forgotten, because these people live forever in our hearts, every star up there in the sky represents one human being, who has found his way there, one day I'll be up there too, we'll all be, but I'll watch over you from up there and every day before it gets dark, I'll clean my own star so that he'll be the brightest star on the sky and so you always know where I am." Even if I know better, I still believe that every evening she cleans her star and she's the brightest star in the sky, because directly above my house a single star shines particularly bright, since the day she left. Likewise, I believe that she watches over me and takes care of me. Otherwise, I can hardly explain myself why I was allowed to celebrate my birthday four times in addition to my birthday. I talk so incredibly often to the moon and the stars, that they don't give me an answer doesn't even matter. The deciding thing for me is that it frees me, my soul and even my heart. I see life in every possible way as a gift, with no expectations. Maybe it's hard to understand why I have no real expectations or hopes for some things. But I can give a simple answer.. I keep my hopes of things or opportunities low, so that I can live better with it, can go forward. Life is home to so many other beautiful moments that I would otherwise not be able to perceive. Having accepted the fact that the past has already happened and can't be changed - that it is a part of me is very liberating. So don't blame yourself if you couldn't tell me what you think I wanted to hear. It's perfectly fine. But make no decisions for my own life if I have my own opinion and can express it more than just clearly. Don't think to know what is or could be best for me. This decision is up to me alone. One thing is certain, I'll always be by your side no matter what conversation we had before.

You're enough! 💕

Eyes

Wieso hält mich niemand fest? Bin ich zu schwer um mich als Last zu tragen? Ich will Wärme und Nähe spüren, doch alles was ich empfinde ist Leere und Lustlosigkeit. Niemand ist ehrlich, ich kann nicht vertrauen, will es auch nicht aber am Ende tue ich es doch. Ich befinde mich in einem andauernden Teufelskreis zwischen dem Gefühl zu ertrinken, in tiefer Trauer und Dunkelheit, doch gleichzeitig fühle ich mich als würde ich nichts fühlen, so lustlos bin ich. Ich liege da und fühle mich als könnte ich nichts tun als wäre ich nicht zuständig für meinen Körper und wer auch immer es ist er hat die Kontrolle abgegeben, alle Systeme stürzen ab, Brücken fallen ein und Dämme brechen. Wie die Tränen, sie schießen aus meinen Tränendrüsen und ertränken jegliche Hoffnung auf Besserung. Doch ich muss durch halten und ich werde. Ich habe Hoffnung.

– “How was your day?” You asked me. “I’m okay.”

Me

Du, die mir gerade so fern ist und doch ganz nah bei mir in meinem Herzen, du fängst mich auf. Ich werde aufgefangen von deinen Worten, es ist wie einer dieser Vertrauenstests bei denen man sich fallen lassen soll und drauf vertrauen soll das man gehalten wird. Deine Worte halten mich, da du es wegen der Entfernung nicht kannst. Ich bin dir so unendlich dankbar, denn dies ist kein Vertrauenstest ich lasse mich nicht freiwillig fallen .. es fühlt sich eher an als hätte man mich von einer Klippe geschubst und meine Füße vorher in Zement eingegossen. Und ich falle so schnell doch plötzlich sind da all diese Buchstaben, Worte und Sätze, sie tragen mich, tragen mich hinfort in eine andere Welt in eine Welt mit dir, wo nur du und ich existieren und mehr brauchen wir in dieser Welt auch nicht, denn wir haben uns und unsere Worte. Ich bin dir so unglaublich dankbar deswegen, Danke schön.