I'm working on a few different requests right now and I’m so indecisive about which one to finish and post first! Help me choose what you want to see next! (✿◡‿◡)
Help me decide what to write next!
Aladin AU series (Hiromi x Servant!Reader)
Childhood Rivals series (Naoya x Sorcerer!Reader)
Something dark/spicy (Nanami)
Voting ended onMay 30
Don't worry, all three of these are coming eventually—the poll just helps me decide the order! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
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Can I request HSP + depression reader (who thinks they are just weak and being crybaby) x Bucky, please? I understand you are super busy right now and I didn’t mean to rush you or anything but I'm just struggling with both HSP and depression and couldn’t help but send it right now. No need to hurry, just when you are free and maybe when you had nothing to write. Thank you and I love you!
Thank you for the request, I’m sorry it’s been a difficult time for you! I’m here if you need me and I hope that this helps!!!
It’s called empathy
Bucky x reader
Word count: 1981
Warnings: depression, HSP (highly sensitive person), low self worth, negative self talk, swearing (that’s normal for me but this one’s a little extra), angst (more so internal idk if that needs a warning), fluff/comfort
You didn’t want to cry, you couldn’t let yourself. It was stupid, it was just some shitty remark from someone when they were in a shitty mood, it wasn’t your fault, all that bullshit you tried to tell yourself. It never worked.
You were trying to control your breathing, looking up at the ceiling trying to will the tears away, biting your lip. You would not cry, not over this. Not over something that wasn’t worth your tears
Not when you didn’t even know what exactly you were crying over.
Yet here you were, gripping the edge of the bathroom sink with white knuckles, looking up at the ceiling trying to keep the tears at bay. And it wasn’t working.
Weak sensitive piece of shit.
What good were you to the team if you cry in the bathroom like a baby every time something remotely stressful happens? People usually cry when they're in pain or when they’re grieving - the only excuse you had was you were stressed or sad.
You felt another few tears escape and you angrily swiped them away, cursing yourself for being so weak.
You hated this, you hated yourself. You were so numb most of the time, especially when you were alone. You found yourself alone in your room with racing thoughts feeling like you were falling apart. Yet when you were alone you could only stare at the ceiling wondering if it would get any worse.
The answer was usually yes.
Whenever you would go on missions with the team, you were able to push aside your stress. You had a job to do and you would do it. But when the mission was over and you were walking back through the rubble - seeing all the blood, destruction, fear - then it would start to get to you. You would panic, you would feel tears cloud your vision. Tears for those you were leaving behind, and those who had nowhere to go, those who lost someone. That was understandable.
It seemed to affect you more than the others though. It was understandable to be moved by so much destruction. But for you everyone felt like someone you had known and loved.
You could feel the grief in those left behind, feel the sadness and pain that they were going through.
The same was true when you weren’t on missions. When those who were on them would come back. Whether they were injured or their eyes were saddened - you knew when a mission was rough. You would listen, you would be there for people. It was easy to talk to you, and you were very wise.
But it still overwhelmed you. You couldn’t say no, you didn’t want to. You wanted to help but it would be so emotionally taxing for you. So behind closed doors, you would break. Be there for others, listen when they need to talk, others come first - you took their emotional pain onto yourself.
You were grateful that you could help - but in the process it was hurting you.
You allowed yourself to feel sad when you were alone in your room. No one could see you be weak in the dark of your room. But you never cried much just from the pure exhaustion of your thoughts. Sometimes you wanted to, just feeling so incredibly empty that you just wanted to have an ugly crying session curled up in bed.
But you didn’t get to make that choice.
The crying wouldn’t come until the absolute worst times. If you had messed up on a mission, if Tony said something a little too harshly because to him everything was a joke, seeing something gruesome on a mission- whenever it came to someone else getting involved, the tears would come. Hell sometimes even being overwhelmed in public would be enough to start the waterworks.
You always felt so fucking weak for it. The slightest environmental stressor could stress you out too much and move you to tears. You had no reason to be upset most of the time. But you would get angry at yourself for being upset, which would make you more upset that you couldn’t control it, making it harder to control.
It was a vicious cycle.
Lately it had been popping up more and more recently. Smaller things were upsetting you more than usual. You were becoming more sensitive to external stimuli and as a result, you spent as much time as you could in your room. You were embarrassed by yourself. Both by your emotions and by your inability to control them.
This time you were just upset that you were upset. It had been a long night the day prior, just a lot of paperwork to do. There had been a mission earlier this week that you hadn’t been assigned to, but it had been brutal for everyone who had gone. So far today had been a normal day by anyone’s terms, an emotionally exhausting one for you. One of those where you woke up tired and the thoughts of another day were enough to draw you to tears. Nothing had even happened, but apparently nothing needed to happen.
Your emotions came and went without your consent.
You knew deep down it was probably some sort of emotional build up - that whole quote about bottling things up until they got to be too much - it happened every time but you still thought you could handle yourself better than that. You didn’t want to vent or be a problem to anyone. But when you are the emotional support for most of the team and you haven’t been able to get enough sleep or take time for yourself - you didn’t have much of a say as to when the bottle overflows.
A few more tears fell and you slammed your hand on the counter, wiping your tears angrily once more. “God fucking damn it why can’t you just stop fucking crying!” you exclaimed, feeling a few more tears falling “Weak piece of shit!”
There was knocking on the door, pulling you out of your self deprecating thoughts. You gasped lightly, wiping your face again.
Knock knock
You jumped a little, gasping slightly. No one was supposed to be here, it was the middle of the night.
“Y/n? What’s going on in there? Are you alright?”
You took a shaky breath. Of course it would be Bucky who heard you. Why would it be anyone else?
“I’m fine Bucky, it’s late, you should go to sleep.”
“Then why are you still awake?” Bucky responded. You heard him sigh a little outside the door. “Come out here and tell me you’re okay.”
“Really Bucky?”
“Unless you want me to come in there, but I don’t think Stark would appreciate me breaking your door.”
You took a small breath and walked over to the door, opening it. You crossed your arms and met Bucky’s concerned eyes. “I’m fine, Bucky.”
Bucky sighed, taking in your appearance. Red eyes, flushed face, your hair was messy - you were definitely crying. He hated when you wouldn’t admit that you weren’t ok. “You know you don’t have to be, right?”
You clenched your jaw, trying to keep fresh tears from clouding your vision. “What?”
“You say you’re fine, you always say that you’re fine until you break. I heard you crying, I can see that you’re not feeling okay yet still you try to keep a brave face. And I just want you to know that you don’t have to always be okay.”
You let out a breath. “I - i…” you looked down and shook your head, lost for words.
“Y/n, I’m not here to judge you. Can you try to tell me what’s wrong?”
“I don’t know,” you said looking up at him “It’s literally so stupid, Bucky.”
“Y/n, nothing you say right now is going to sound stupid.
You shrugged your shoulders, still not quite meeting his eyes. “I don’t know, I just get so worked up sometimes, but it’s stupid. I tell myself I’m not going to be bothered and then I freak out again. The smallest things bother me and I get stressed out and then I cry like some stupid weak bitch. People have it worse than me, God, you have it worse than me. Everyone here has some sort of traumatic awful thing happen to them and then there’s me and I get sad because I see other people sad,” you were crying again and you wiped at your face, covering your eyes. “God Im so fucking stupid I -”
Bucky pulled you into his chest as you let out a sob. “You’re not stupid, y/n.”
“YES I AM. I get worked up over the smallest shit, I don’t listen when people tell me to take breaks, I take everything too personally and I can’t stop fucking crying when I don’t even know what the fuck is wrong!” you exclaimed, trying to push yourself away, ashamed.
Bucky held you tightly, not letting you go. “That’s not your fault. It’s not up to you how your feelings show up.”
“But I cry at the most stupid shit and I can’t control it.”
“You’re not supposed to know how to control it,” he said, pulling back to look at you. “Emotions can’t be controlled. They just happen and it’s rarely convenient.”
“Then why do I feel so weak? If this,” you gestured to yourself “is so goddamn normal then why isn’t everyone else breaking down every other day?”
Bucky brushed some hair out of your face. “Your emotions are yours, no one else’s. No one has the right to tell you how to feel. Think of it this way - you can’t expect everyone to have the same amount of strength or stamina - no one has the same emotional response either. And that doesn’t make you weak, it makes you you.”
You shook your head. “I just feel so weak all the time.”
“And I’m here to remind you that crying isn’t weak. You are not a weak person, you are not a bad person, you’re not any of those things your mind tells you. You’re a kind and thoughtful person. You put your heart into everything you do. You help everyone you can. Mourning someone else’s loss isn’t weakness. It’s called empathy.”
You took a small breath. “Then why does it hurt so goddamn much?”
“”I don’t know. And I can’t say for certain that you won’t always feel that way. But I know I can tell you that you aren’t weak, and I’ll be here every time you feel that you are.”
You nodded your head slightly. “You don’t think I’m weak?” you asked quietly.
He pulled you back into a hug. “Not in the slightest, y/n.”
And you deserve someone who can’t wait to talk to you and spend time with you; wants to get to know the real you and fall in love with you unconditionally. To be treated with great respect and cherished with selfless love and care for the right reasons - someone who makes promises and follows up with actions to prove it. You deserve to be loved by someone who promises you the world and vow to cherish and take care of and protect you against any troublesome or greedy hands of others. A loved one that promises you a future, a family and kids together; promise a ring. And you deserve someone who follows up with these words by their actions. Someone who is proud to be with you and continues to show their excitement of how they can’t wait to put a ring on it and call you their “wifey or husband,” their “rock.” So, stop settling for halfhearted, indecisive, selfish men or women. Don’t settle for someone who sweet-talked into your heart and begged to be with you - only to be repeating the same thing with other people because they are “lonely,” and don’t know what they want.
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When you start to realize what is going on, her texts started to become shorter and shorter. She stopped texting you first thing in the morning, stopped asking you how your day was. You lost her slowly, but you didn’t even notice. She made everything easy, she didn’t play games or treated you terribly, and she went above and beyond to make you happy. She was everything you wanted and needed and you didn’t even know it. You stopped being everything she needed and pushed her to the point that you became everything she didn’t want.
To all those days, you wished you had noticed sooner that she was important to you - keeping her close and making her feel like a priority in your life. Her absence will begin to drive you crazy. The silence and absence you feel now reflect the same silence she received from you. You never realize that she started most of the conversations; she sat inches away from you on the couch and waited for you patiently to put down your phone. She never complained or brought it to your attention; keeping it to herself.
Hey everyone!!! As you can tell, I write fanfiction and I ejoy it a lot. I write a lot based on either experience or I am inspired by song lyrics. I have plenty more ideas and there’s more coming (I write daily), but if anyone has any ideas, prompts, or one-liners feel free to comment on this post or message me and I’ll write for you! Currently I write mostly Marvel/Marvel cast (I love you Bucky/Sebastian), Criminal Minds, and Newsies fanfiction, but I’d be down to branch out as well. I need shows and movies to watch! Call it research ;-) Just let me know what y’all would like to read! xoxo