cosmic angel

my palms against your ribs; the sound of my heart beats wildly in your chest. ancient tears on your cheeks; the rush in our veins and the adrenaline in our blood clashes as we crash into each others arms with reckless abandon; in that moment, you and i were wild and free 

puzzle pieces made to fit; i’ve waited an eternity for this moment, and i will have to wait an eternity more for another, with you. 

enough

how do i explain to you

how hopelessly i fell in love with you

how this desire

to greet your lips with mine

grows deeper by day

and how my bones desire

and long to feel your warmth by night

how is it so difficult

to speak three little words to you

when i have spoken of the world to you

and yet i am unable to 

voice my utter and absolute

infatuation 

with your entire existence,

“you’ve got those big brown eyes, drive me crazy, make me fantasize about you baby.”

sunrises and sunsets with you,

your cologne lingers on my jacket;

the world stops turning

and to me there has never been a better sight, than you;

our fingers seem to intertwine on their own

warmth mixes with comfort,

with my head on your shoulder 

and a shared secret smile,

i’m home.

with you,

i’m home once again. 

inspired by coffee breath by sofie mills.

i’m watching you slowly fall out of love with me thinking you’d rather leave me before you love me your eyes are dulling when they look at me you’re not the same we don’t laugh together anymore and we don’t drink the same tea anymore you don’t have enough time to watch me paint you anymore so i’ll just do it alone i’ll paint your soft sun kissed curls recalling you from memory i’ll drink coffee now because tea was our thing and the last time i wore my denim jacket was with you and my journals will remain untouched and never again will i ever allow myself to tear open such a vulnerable part of myself and hand it to someone to willingly only for them to destroy it and crumble its worth time and time again this is exactly why i have such few friends the more people i let into my life the more people that can walk straight out of it i guess you ran out of love to give but i am still overflowing with love you took and took without giving and yet i am still overflowing with too much love for you.

“time goes by fast when you’re in love.”

how wrong it is.

every second spent with you is an hour to me; for i memorise every curve of your lips, 

every crinkle in your eyes,

every shake of your shoulders,

every piece of you,

and store it away in my mind.

and what for, anyway.

your moments replay in my mind; every second is an hour. 

every expression of yours slowed down through my eyes . 

were you really my soulmate i asked myself as we sat on the bleachers no i told myself you weren’t those stupid love songs were messing with my head again come back to reality i tell myself, stop fantasizing so much about something that’ll never come true stop hoping why do i fall in love every time and i know this time you are not my soulmate never my other half god no you were pieces of me there were shards of me in you everywhere i looked. you drank tea now and parted your hair in the middle and wore baggy sweaters and painted roughly and read my poetry and we talked like hopeless lovers in the dying sun were you my soulmate i ask myself again your cheeks are tinged peach in the golden hues of sunsets and your eyes are almost glowing almond and your face is so peaceful. no, i decide. you were never meant to be my soulmate, no. 

you were my soul.

inspo:

say so - doja cat

how do i tell you that i love you so much my ribs hurt from the force that my heart beats with to your presence your smell floats up my nose and your hand is wildly swinging in tune to your worn out sneakers on the pavement and i want to slowly slip my fingers into yours and walk in silence but your mouth is running nonstop and all my mind can think about is how putting my lips on yours to shut you up would feel and your eyes have stars in them and your t-shirt smells like fresh daisies and i can’t help myself i lean in a bit too close “what are you doing?” fuck i messed up you’ll never want a pathetic person like me how could i have convinced my foolish self other stupid you’re stupid so stupid but i need all of you and i have never loved someone so selflessly, so purely, so innocently, so harshly, so fiercely, so hard, as i have loved you. i have loved you more than any childhood crush, any middle school puppy attraction. i have loved you, in every sense and definition of the word. 

i have talked to the same 12 people for the last 4 months. 

every wrinkle, every dimple, every feature of theirs is etched onto my mind.

if you ask me, i can recite every conversation i’ve had this week by heart; word for word.

my mind is going in circles; a hypnotic swirl of one color.

this loneliness that surrounds me is horrifying.

it casts its shadows on me, illusions of a blanket shielding me from the warmth.

this loneliness is not my friend.

it is... not my enemy either.

who are you?

i have picked 5 flowers in the last month.

they all died.

maybe it is my touch, my inability to feel; or maybe it is this aura of death that my loneliness comes with.

i hear the people in the crowds.

complaining.

“I can’t believe she had the audacity to go with four of her other friends without me to the party!” 

woman, i know not who you are, but i wish i could have screamed out my mind at you at that moment.

i would give anything to have four friends.

i would give anything to have friends.

i would give anything to go to a party. 

i would have given anything.

it has been so long,

since i have had a shoulder to rest my head upon.

only twice in my life

have i ever had the blessing and honor of crying upon someone’s shoulder.

the lights outside the door were dimmed and hazy.

voices; muffled.

the sound of leather brogues on carpet rang in her ears.

a hand upon a shoulder.

“darling, won’t you dress yourself up for me? Wear those shiny earrings you love, yes?”

she silently nodded.

frowns upon a forehead.

“sweetness, where is the pretty little ring i got you? have you lost it again?” 

hysterical shaking.

“No, Sir.”

glares in his eyes.

he backhanded her; welts upon her rosy cheek.

“What did i say about calling me ‘Sir?’” 

the stone glistened on her finger.

“I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

sugary smiles.

she briefly wondered if his cheeks ever hurt.

“Good girl. Now, come. Let us socialize, darling. You love that, hm?”

her tears never made it past the doorframe; too many bruises a reminder of the occurrences that followed had her emotions walked beyond closed doors.

very early in this household she had learned its teachings.

emotions and feelings were for shower walls and mattresses only.

“Now, smile, my sweet. You wouldn’t want all these people to see you upset, would you?”

___

your palms were the most wondrous thing my fingers had ever had the honor of gracing;

soft like clouds and warmer than a christmas fire-place. 

calloused; dedication in every act your palms had committed.

scarred; yet in every line there is a story, i could tell.

rough, too rough to handle the soft and fragile things i so loved to place in your hands.

wider and larger than oasis and seas of your mind; never-ending.

your fingers were odd. 

you never knew what to do with them; overthinking made you run them through your hair.

so many of my tears had those palms wiped away,

too many laughs they had tickled out of me,

uncountable embraces were gifted to me.

i wish we could go back to those days:

when i’d slip my hand into your soft palms, 

and we’d drift off,

wordless,

soundless,

thoughtless.

your palms brought me utter tranquility; the kind i may never encounter again. 

___

i feel like im always under this sense of impending doom and that’s exactly why i can’t enjoy my life like i used to my mind’s gears are always working and the strangest thoughts occur to me at the strangest times i’m just showing my mom pictures of cute dogs but as i breathe in the comfort of her i realize one day she will pass away and i’ll be standing at her grave and my pet bunny won’t always run to greet me when i come home and these books that i read will one day tear to pieces and this beauty i chase will wear off when i’m old and grey and one day my partner will leave me and i won’t be a child forever and those tv shows won’t excite me anymore and i’ll be drowning in work and someday i won’t be fighting my little sister over food i’ll be crying at her wedding and this movie will make me forget reality for only so long and i’ll finish my popcorn and one day it’ll be hard for me to pray standing upright and my dad isn’t getting any younger and the thought of anything happening to him is enough to bring me to tears and this is the reason i don’t argue with my parents anymore this is why i don’t cry during movies or why i stopped looking for love or how my sister doesn’t even want the food if i don’t fight her for it or why my bed isn’t scattered with books or why i don’t do anything, anything worth remembering because goddamn it when these things are gone i will remember every single detail because that’s just how i am i’ll remember the little mole on my mom’s lip and i’ll remember my sister’s birthmark and every single remark she’s ever made and i’ll remember every almost-lover i ever had or what brand of popcorn i ate during which movie and what food my bunny loved or how my closet is still full of sweaters from different people that i can’t wear without crying or how my room is full of polaroids of me with people who i may never see again or will never see again. 

so i just wanted to tell whoever’s reading this that don’t take anything for granted because everything comes to an end and trust me, you would sleep better without the “what if’s” and regrets. 

___