#wolfshit

Marika Arvena and Alik

I don’t write as often as I should…truth be told..it’s hard to find the words sometimes. And i’d usually dance about it or run through it anyway. But i’m pushing myself these days…so yeah

A few weekends ago I went to blerDCon (Black nerds, comic books, anime, convention,etc.) and for the first time in a long time I felt ok. 

For as long as I can remember I have had a passion for anime and Japanese cartoons (I don’t use the two interchangeably). I used to wake up at 5:30 & 6 AM every morning to watch Sailor Moon before school. My mom stayed taking me to video update and Blockbuster so I could get my movies! Hell, I even attempted to draw a few characters and write a few stories myself. Couldn’t draw one bit (still can’t), and my story lines were crazy but it was my escape and I wanted to protect it, but when my notebook would be found or snatched from me I felt vulnerable.

It wasn’t so much that others saw what was in my notebook that bothered me, it was the laughter and taunting that followed…that’s what made me shrink.

Then a decision was made…I thought that if I kept my ideas and interests all in my head then they were safe there, no one would know, I would fit in, and I wouldn’t be teased. As wrong as I was, at 8 years old that line of thinking made a lot of sense and it actually became a pattern for me as I got older.

I found myself constantly trying to shrink, hiding my thoughts afraid to walk in my purpose and talk about the things I truly loved. And that didn't make it any easier for me. I was still bullied and made fun of for everything from wearing glasses to not having name brand shoes, the way I talk...literally everything (aaaggghhh)

It wasn't until I moved to Washington DC after grad school that I began to reconnect in a sense. I started going to meet-ups and networking with people who shared my interests. I began pursuing music again, I was awarded a scholarship to study voice and I entered my first vocal competition. I didn't win but I can't tell you how much courage it took to even put myself out there like that. I had always talked about traveling but I was kind of discouraged because it fell through so many times before and I just didn't think I could ever make it happen, but I finally had enough of doubting myself and told fear to kiss my brown ass, and within 3 months of each other, I danced in the Bahamas and left to live in China.

Now I'm not saying that everything you do needs the approval of others, and there are times when you will have to go at it "alone," and you may not ever get the love and support that you really deserve, but taking a chance on yourself and reaching out to others can change your life. 

Going to blerDCon was one of the ways I reached out. Seeing so many cosplayers of color, hearing their stories, and realizing that there were so many young men and women who had a similar experience to mine made me feel at ease...truly at ease...I had been holding my breath, waiting for an event like this my whole life, and when I got there....finally, I exhaled.

QFTP:

"You can lay down for someone to walk over your back and they will still complain about you not being straight enough"