#witch aus

Sure thing, Anon!

Witch AUs

“Listen, I know I’m new at this and all, but you screeching at the top of your tiny frog lungs isn’t going to help anyone, is it?”

“Don’t you croak at me in that tone.”

A neighbour just moved in next to me, and whenever they talk to me I always feel like they’re interrogating me. It probably has something to do with the vast amounts of smoke wafting from underneath my front door, the sound of me mumbling spells in the middle of the night, and the occasional muffled explosion… Yeah, I’m just a junkie — that’s all.

“Hail Mary! Here I was thinking that you were a witch. Now, that’d be a problem if you were; see, I’m a Puritan/firm non-believer in paganism.”“Hahaha, wouldn’t that be funny?”

A puritan??? I thought they all died out! Of course, the last puritan on Earth has to move next door to me! Of course!

We’ve been friends for years, so are familiars are really good friends with each other too. Recently, while we’ve been doing witchy stuff, I’ve noticed that our familiars are growing extremely close and being affectionate towards each other. That’s weird because like our familiars are supposed to represent our subconscious and that’s not how we feel about each other at all… right?

OK, I know you’re excited about starting your own coven and everything and I agree that we should get the word out for people to join; but is brightly coloured leaflets and witch-themed cookies really the way you want to go?

“So, no fundraising witchy bake sale?”

People think that we just do all this witchy shit for the “””””aesthetic”””””” but like, if we don’t finish this luck spell in time I’m genuinely going to fail this final and then have to flunk out of college. So, sure, we’re running around at the dead of night stealing people’s shit for the “””””aesthetic”””””.

We completed the spell and you went to take your final: turns out we got one of the ingredients wrong, and yes that does mean you aced that test without the luck spell!!!

“I thought you’d be happy?”“Are you kidding me??? I could’ve just gone to sleep at a normal hour instead of stealing hair strands from strangers!! I’m banned from three hairdressers’ because of that spell you know?!?”

There’s a very thin line between being outright satanic and practising witchcraft. I think you’re in danger of crossing that line — what the fuck, is that blood??

Do — Do you have to do the creepy possessed thing everytime you cast a spell? Like, I know you can’t help it and stuff, but that’s the kind of stuff that makes me terrified of you.

I borrowed the broomstick you keep in your wardrobe, and while I was cleaning up some lint; it suddenly shOT UPWARDS AND SMASHED INTO THE CEILING WHILE I WAS STILL HOLDING IT AND IT WON’T STOP MOVING GET ME DOWN FROM HERE I SWEAR TO GOD.

“There’s a reason why I tell you not go through my stuff.”“I thought it was because you were into some weird shit, but not this kind of weird!!!”

Just because I like wearing black pointy hats and have a cat does not mean I’m not serious about practicing witchcraft. Ask anyone from the coven, they’d tell you I don’t mess around with witchcraft: I could turn you into a slug in 0.2 seconds if you’re not careful.

I always get my witch supplies from this superstore that literally sells the strangest things (which is perfect), you’re on a shift on Friday/Saturday nights which is normally when I do my spellcasting. It’s been three months and whilst adding up the bill for numerous butcher knives, sea salt, vanilla extract, and three goldfish — you finally say something to me.

“I know this is none of my business but it’s been three months and I’ve seen people buy weird stuff before but not consistently. What do you even do with this stuff??”“..Are you sure you wanna know?”“If I die tomorrow without finding out, it will be my biggest regret in life, so yes; please.”

“I just do understand the stigma against witches. Like, if people got to know us better, they wouldn’t be so judgemental.”“You’re telling me this whilst cutting out the insides of a dead goat that you bought off the dark web. I think that speaks for itself.”

“It’s not like I can order a goat of Amazon, is it? God, my life would be so much more convenient if I could.”

When you said that witchcraft was a “hobby”, I thought that just meant the occasional herb spell every now and then: that did not mean that you could hold the meetings for your covens at our house?? Are you drinking blood in your tea??

Don’t give me that shit again about how it’s full of minerals and irons — it’s still blood.

Your best friend is a witch hunter (why the fuck there are witch hunters in the 21st century I do not know), so yes, I do — correction: we — have a problem if you keep insisting to remain friends with them. Even if you give me a 12-hour heads up about them coming over: it takes 16 hours for all essences and smells to completely dissipate. Witch hunters are like bloodhounds, nothing gets past them — do you want them to burn me at the stake??

When you asked if I wanted to celebrate Halloween with you, I assumed that would just include a night of watching bad horror movies and cheap candy. A ghost summoning ritual wasn’t really what I had in mind.

I think I might like you just enough to ignore the fact that I may accidentally walk into a ritual in which you’ll be levitating off the ground, your head tilted back, smoke billowing from a nearby pot, and the whites of your eyes showing. I just might.

“So, you know?”“Seriously? You’re terrible at hiding it. There are several things I’ve found in your cabinets that you definitely can’t find on a normal shopping list.”

“Are goat hooves not popular anymore?” “Strangely, no.”

You made some passing comment about witches being “basic” and suddenly it’s been an hour and a half since I started lecturing you on the different types of witches and how complicated it is to be a witch. I don’t know how to get out of this so let’s just say: I’m a passionate advocator for witch rights?

I don’t really know how to respond but you bet your ass I’m now certain that you’ve got something witchy going on.

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Happy writing!

okay so beauty and the beast-esque to where i got turned into an object but ended up in an antique store and you bought me (weird? probably. interesting? yes.)

I got turned into a doll by an evil person but faked already not being able to move so when you buy me/given as a gift I ask for your help to turn me back. yes, we DO have to fight the evil dollmaker in the creepy doll store

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IM ORANGE GREAT I can’t go out in public like this we have to fix this

at least you just look like you have a bad spraytan? oh no wait that didn’t help-

soulmate au: when your soulmate gets magically affected by something, so do you. what the FUCK did you do to get turned into an old person?? this is super inconvienent

listen, all I did was have a funky hair colour for a week, not fair who are you pissing off bc now I’m also G R E E N

mythical (?): This cursed amulet is supposed to be awful but it’s mostly just inconvenient?? like okay yeah I have awful luck, nothing new. Corpses rising everywhere? I work at a morgue, I just make sure they’re locked up extra tight and stay away from the graveyards. All my food turns to worms? Jokes on you I’m a bird species

my ex was super into the whole “modern witch hexes and curses” and whatnot but it turns out??? they’re in a coven?? so it’s real magic?? and now all my shoes are always filled with dog poop wtf

You cursed me to look different but jokes on you I look hotter this way

((ngl yours made me laugh for some dumb reason. congrats anon lol))

(I saw a picture with this earlier but honestly it’s a really cool idea????) modern witches: instead of wands it’s any wooden stick - baseball bats, wooden pens, umbrella, walking cane, etc.

summer and winter witches regulating a local areas seasons and enviroment

fire and water witches co-existing on an island with a volcano

earth and wind witches co-existing in the mountains

water and earth witches co-existing in a marsh or swampland

fire and wind witches co-existing in the desert

I just really love specialty-based witches

a potions witch working a small shop with a charms witch that sells things for people

A WITCH WHO IS A BLACKSMITH AND SECRET WITCH WHO ENCHANTS ALL OF THEIR WEAPONS WITHOUT THE BUYERS KNOWING

think about it. a super super buff witch who’s the best blacksmith in the land

there are rumours that they cheat and use magic. they’re true

i’m sorry I just got super excited about this one ignore me

my spell just blew up in my face????? who else is using magic nearby

aaaaaa i love this request anon 

“you’re covering for your roommate who’s a witch and to prove it, to me a professional witch hunter, you’ve decided to try and do some spells and that’s how i am currently a talking cat and if this doesn’t prove you’re not a witch i don’t know what does NO DO NOT TRY ANOTHER SPELL”

me and some other witch hunters were chasing after you and you threw a spell at us and i was the only one who got affected by it, my douchebag co-workers got scared and leFT WITHOUT ME GOD DAMNIT. but um, why did you come back??? why are you offering to clean up my injury??? listen, i don’t know if you’re new to this, but i’m pretty sure this is not how it works.

you’re a really stubborn witch hunter and ever since you saw me to talking to my cat like it was a person (spoiler: it was a person) , yet no one believes you that i am actually a witch. did you seriously think this was my first rodeo??? haha bitch you thought.

(additionally) i sWEAR TO GOD I WILL PROVE THAT YOU’RE A WITCH AND YOU’LL GET DONE FOR IT, STOP TAUNTING ME WHEN EVERYONE’S BACKS ARE TURNED I CAN SEE YOU

(even more additionally) it’s cute seeing them so angry haha, he wants to prove that i’m a witch but no one will ever believe him! … no i’m not in love with them shut up or i’ll turn you back into a cat

we’ve been going out for a little while and things were going well, that was until when i asked what your career was you stated that you’re a dedicated witch hunter who has never not found the witch… god you know don’t you

(additionally) i’m pretending i don’t know you’re a witch because i actually legitimately like you and i’m afraid you won’t want to go out with me anymore if you know

we’ve been friends for years now, every time you invited yourself over i’ve made sure that all my witchy stuff is gone, i also told you i like to have a warning prior to you coming. my roommate has grown suspicious of this for a long time, i managed to assure them that i just want the place to be clean when you come over. my roommate had gone out to get the groceries and i assumed it was them coming back, so i used my witchy powers to open the door and lo and behold there you are standing there with your eyes wide at all my witch stuff sprawled across the apartment. i can explain??

i’m a witch hunter and you’re a witch, the only reason why i haven’t killed you yet is because you assured me that you could find this large organisation of witches that i’ve been hunting down for months. you know, now that i’ve gotten to know you you’re not that bad actually… but no i’m definitely not falling in love with you…

(additionally) the whole point of me bribing you into not killing me is because i am actually a part of the organisation and i was meant to lead you to a place and basically lure you into a trap where all these witches will come and kill you. shit you’re actually so nice i can’t do this. 

here you go!! sorry these are taking long we’re all swamped with life /cries an ocean

I’m still a witch in training so please forgive me for accidentally giving your cat the ability to speak and turning all your clothes a shade of yellow

you came into my apothecary and you sprayed what you thought was perfume on your skin, but was actually a potion that gives people blue hair

regular people can’t see familiars but for the past hour you’ve just been staring at my shoulder looking really concerned and you’re making me and my cat extremely nervous

I fell off my broom and into the tree in your backyard and I’m stuck and everything hurts and you came out screaming because you thought I was stealing your oranges

I accidentally left my spell book on the bus and I was freaking out but then I saw this massive purple explosion and shit I’m sprinting there to stop whoever found it

you hate witches because you’re family blood line was cursed by one of them hundreds of years ago, which is too bad for you because I’m your next door neighbour

I run a tea shop and shit I accidentally dropped in magical flowers that look a whole hella lot like chrysanthemums and now you can’t stop speaking in rhymes