Hey, could I please request some witches au’s?
Sure thing, Anon!
Witch AUs
“Listen, I know I’m new at this and all, but you screeching at the top of your tiny frog lungs isn’t going to help anyone, is it?”
“Don’t you croak at me in that tone.”
A neighbour just moved in next to me, and whenever they talk to me I always feel like they’re interrogating me. It probably has something to do with the vast amounts of smoke wafting from underneath my front door, the sound of me mumbling spells in the middle of the night, and the occasional muffled explosion… Yeah, I’m just a junkie — that’s all.
“Hail Mary! Here I was thinking that you were a witch. Now, that’d be a problem if you were; see, I’m a Puritan/firm non-believer in paganism.”“Hahaha, wouldn’t that be funny?”
A puritan??? I thought they all died out! Of course, the last puritan on Earth has to move next door to me! Of course!
We’ve been friends for years, so are familiars are really good friends with each other too. Recently, while we’ve been doing witchy stuff, I’ve noticed that our familiars are growing extremely close and being affectionate towards each other. That’s weird because like our familiars are supposed to represent our subconscious and that’s not how we feel about each other at all… right?
OK, I know you’re excited about starting your own coven and everything and I agree that we should get the word out for people to join; but is brightly coloured leaflets and witch-themed cookies really the way you want to go?
“So, no fundraising witchy bake sale?”
People think that we just do all this witchy shit for the “””””aesthetic”””””” but like, if we don’t finish this luck spell in time I’m genuinely going to fail this final and then have to flunk out of college. So, sure, we’re running around at the dead of night stealing people’s shit for the “””””aesthetic”””””.
We completed the spell and you went to take your final: turns out we got one of the ingredients wrong, and yes that does mean you aced that test without the luck spell!!!
“I thought you’d be happy?”“Are you kidding me??? I could’ve just gone to sleep at a normal hour instead of stealing hair strands from strangers!! I’m banned from three hairdressers’ because of that spell you know?!?”
There’s a very thin line between being outright satanic and practising witchcraft. I think you’re in danger of crossing that line — what the fuck, is that blood??
Do — Do you have to do the creepy possessed thing everytime you cast a spell? Like, I know you can’t help it and stuff, but that’s the kind of stuff that makes me terrified of you.
I borrowed the broomstick you keep in your wardrobe, and while I was cleaning up some lint; it suddenly shOT UPWARDS AND SMASHED INTO THE CEILING WHILE I WAS STILL HOLDING IT AND IT WON’T STOP MOVING GET ME DOWN FROM HERE I SWEAR TO GOD.
“There’s a reason why I tell you not go through my stuff.”“I thought it was because you were into some weird shit, but not this kind of weird!!!”
Just because I like wearing black pointy hats and have a cat does not mean I’m not serious about practicing witchcraft. Ask anyone from the coven, they’d tell you I don’t mess around with witchcraft: I could turn you into a slug in 0.2 seconds if you’re not careful.
I always get my witch supplies from this superstore that literally sells the strangest things (which is perfect), you’re on a shift on Friday/Saturday nights which is normally when I do my spellcasting. It’s been three months and whilst adding up the bill for numerous butcher knives, sea salt, vanilla extract, and three goldfish — you finally say something to me.
“I know this is none of my business but it’s been three months and I’ve seen people buy weird stuff before but not consistently. What do you even do with this stuff??”“..Are you sure you wanna know?”“If I die tomorrow without finding out, it will be my biggest regret in life, so yes; please.”
“I just do understand the stigma against witches. Like, if people got to know us better, they wouldn’t be so judgemental.”“You’re telling me this whilst cutting out the insides of a dead goat that you bought off the dark web. I think that speaks for itself.”
“It’s not like I can order a goat of Amazon, is it? God, my life would be so much more convenient if I could.”
When you said that witchcraft was a “hobby”, I thought that just meant the occasional herb spell every now and then: that did not mean that you could hold the meetings for your covens at our house?? Are you drinking blood in your tea??
Don’t give me that shit again about how it’s full of minerals and irons — it’s still blood.
Your best friend is a witch hunter (why the fuck there are witch hunters in the 21st century I do not know), so yes, I do — correction: we — have a problem if you keep insisting to remain friends with them. Even if you give me a 12-hour heads up about them coming over: it takes 16 hours for all essences and smells to completely dissipate. Witch hunters are like bloodhounds, nothing gets past them — do you want them to burn me at the stake??
When you asked if I wanted to celebrate Halloween with you, I assumed that would just include a night of watching bad horror movies and cheap candy. A ghost summoning ritual wasn’t really what I had in mind.
I think I might like you just enough to ignore the fact that I may accidentally walk into a ritual in which you’ll be levitating off the ground, your head tilted back, smoke billowing from a nearby pot, and the whites of your eyes showing. I just might.
“So, you know?”“Seriously? You’re terrible at hiding it. There are several things I’ve found in your cabinets that you definitely can’t find on a normal shopping list.”
“Are goat hooves not popular anymore?” “Strangely, no.”
You made some passing comment about witches being “basic” and suddenly it’s been an hour and a half since I started lecturing you on the different types of witches and how complicated it is to be a witch. I don’t know how to get out of this so let’s just say: I’m a passionate advocator for witch rights?
I don’t really know how to respond but you bet your ass I’m now certain that you’ve got something witchy going on.
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- Jess
