#whore4lore

He didn’t quite know how to take care of you. He seemed to treat you like a stray kitten he had taken in without thinking. You were something  precious he enjoyed having around but needed to learn to care for.  He didn’t think to give you clothes right away.  Your diet was practically entirely meat, which you didn’t care for – small game like rabbit and squirrel.  He held you close at night, in a possessive way, but it still made you feel safe.  He knew your name but didn’t tend to say it.  He always called you sweet pea, and was never stern or angry in those early days before you escaped. 

He didn't physically force himself on you.  Even that first time, he had his way with a calmly delivered threat to hand you back to his men.  Based on that first day – when he did it three times in a matter of hours– You assumed he was an insatiable sex machine.  And he did become one, but not right away. After bringing you home with him, he didn't fuck you the next day, which led you to wonder if the prior day's actions had been fueled more by the situation than a need to have your body. As if seeing those men with you triggered an animal instinct – claim, fuck, take. And you became his. 

Back at Joel’s trailer, he was mostly quiet. If he spoke, it was to insult his men, rage bubbling in his voice as he ranted about what they would have done to you.  You were still in shock the first day or two.  Then, sitting at the kitchen table, you finally started crying with reality setting in, and fear about what life would be like.  

"C'mere," he said, placing a hand on your arm to pull you closer. He began to take off your pants and you let him. He didn't have to warn you. “Wanna go to bed or stay here?” After that, all he had to do was get hard, palm himself over his jeans or unzip them and you would lie there compliantly or get on your knees.  Your body was on board before you were, and at some point your mind caught up. You stopped feeling guilty for your physical enjoyment. 

—--

One day, you laid down for a nap on his bed and woke up when the mattress dipped under his weight.  He lay on his side, propped up on his elbow with his head in his hand.  He didn’t say anything to you, but he fiddled lazily with the hem of your shirt, looking at your body. He would undress and dress you like a doll.  You were getting self conscious without any clean clothes. You took baths but put the same clothes right back on the next day. Joel didn’t seem to notice or mind and you were shy to ask for anything.  

He wasn’t looking for you to do or say anything, and you weren’t sure you should, but while he was touching your clothes, you took the chance of asking,  “Can I please wash them?” It was one of the first times you spoke without him first speaking to you. 

He dropped the hem of your shirt and took a deep breath as his big hand came to your inner thigh and he caressed it, then squeezed.  He looked at you for a few seconds, then nodded. 

“You know how?” he asked. 

You nodded. “I can do yours too. . .if you want.” 

His brow furrowed in contemplation, then he nodded.  His voice was deep. He talked so little that it felt special when he did.  “Soap’s in the pantry.” 

---

He put his thumb in your waistband and unbuttoned your pants deep in concentration.  You helped him take your pants down, then he put your hand on the hard bulge in his jeans and used it to massage himself, which made you get butterflies between your legs as you felt him harden.  After a minute of that, he reached between your legs and sharply inhaled when he felt your slick. Your face got hot. 

“You wanna bend over or lie on your tummy?”

“Lie down.” 

“Good girl.” 

You lay prone on the bed with your head on your hands as he unzipped his jeans and  got between your legs. He put a hand on your ass and you tilted your hips for him.  He notched his tip at your entrance, then planted one hand between your shoulder blades and another on the bed and pushed his cock into you. You whimpered as your body accommodated him. He didn’t allow much time to adjust.  He fucked you wordlessly, grunting and sighing, his fingers digging into your flesh and seeming to span your entire back. His tip firmly nudged your g-spot repeatedly until you came with a whimper. After Joel came, he laid there for a minute, then got up, mumbling “i’ll get the stuff.” 

------

He got out the soap and washboard himself.  A little later, he went outside with you to the faucet where there was a metal wash bin, so he could show you the stuff. There was a fallen clothesline hanging from a tree near the trailer.  

“whenever ya want,” he said. 

Back inside, Joel gathered his dirty clothes.  You started taking yours off and shyly asked if you could wear something while you washed them.  He didn’t say anything, just looked you over, then looked through his clothes. He let you wear a pair of boxers and t-shirt, either his or from a raid. 

While you washed the clothes in the boxers and t-shirt, Joel fixed the clothesline. Then he came over and watched you scrubbing the clothes, hands on his hips. “Good girl.”  This activity took your mind off things, and the the fact that he fixed the clothesline for you overwhelmed you with gratitude.  

You stood up and hugged him around his side. “Thank you,” you whispered. 

He seemed surprised, but after a second he patted you on the head and wrapped an arm around you.  "see, you'll be alright, sweet pea." Then a few seconds later, he said “goin’ inside.” As he backed away, he said “lemme know if ya need somethin’.” 

—-

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Gradually you got to be buddies with him. One of the first times you spent time with him was at a food truck thing the three of you went to, and your Mom went off to "say hi" to a neighbor for thirty minutes. The two of you were sitting at the picnic table making small talk.  Joel was wearing an MCR shirt. He was surprised you knew who they were.  He liked a variety of cool bands, liked cool movies. He felt bad when your mom was hard on you and he stuck up for you. You kind of stuck up for each other. You almost tried to vaguely warn him when they started talking about marriage which seemed really fast, like within six months. 

-----

One day, after they were married, you and your mom had a huge blow-up and Joel came to your room bc at her request, he told her he'd try to talk to you for her. But he didn't. He just sat on the floor and looked around trying not to bother you. You kept your earbuds in and ignored him. 

He found your Rolling Stones Sticky Fingers vinyl and picked it up. He turned it over to read. He said "nice, where's your record player?"  You didn't have one at that point. That was your dad's, and you used to use his player. You hung onto that album but not for the music.

You finally took out your earbuds, feeling bad for him talking to himself.

Joel said, "my favorite Stones album is Some Girls."

"That's such a cliche," you grumbled without really looking at him, but the fact that you even said anything was a compliment. 

He asked, "Yeah, what's yours?"

You paused, then sheepishly admitted, "Some girls," and you both laughed.

------

You didn't live with them for long before you left for college, which was shortly after you caught him jacking off in the office that time, which neither of you ever acknowledged.

In college you started partying and dressing provocatively.  He followed you on Instagram your junior or senior year. At one point he accidentally liked then unliked a pic that was mostly cleavage. It made your heart skip a beat, and not in a creeped out way. But you didn't think much of it at the time, you had too much else going on in the boy world already.

You never lived at home again after leaving for college, but when you occasionally came home to visit, there started to be a different tension. It was like he was trying not to look at you. It wasn't that creepy -- You were both human and he wasn't "stepdad" long enough to ever feel like a father figure.  But there was tension, and occasionally you bickered over dumb stuff.

----

After graduation, you got a job and moved across town. Over time, there were a couple of guys you dated long enough to introduce them to Joel at family events.  He was polite but quiet with the first one.  The last one, you seemed to really like, and Joel was kind of cold with him. After you and that guy broke up, you started getting the urge to see Joel more often, which ultimately led to the time you went by when your Mom wasn't home and knowingly caught him jacking off.

Joel never would have made a move on you, so thank god for your advances. Even after following your instagram, he tried (and failed) not to look at you.

She runs scenarios about what life could have been like without the outbreak, whether she would have met Joel at some point. She wonders what Joel's life was like since he'll never talk about it. And she thinks about the future, like if he's ever going to (consciously) kiss and cuddle her or tell her he's hers, too. If he's ever going to tell her he loves her.

She thinks about how to make him happy. She replays things in her mind where she's seen cracks in his tough facade and really clings to those moments. She even plays "he loves me, he loves me not" type games with the cards :( like if it's a heart or diamond, he wants to kiss me. She thinks about things they could do together, whether he'll take her anywhere other than a raid, whether another life is possible--especially the more fed up he gets with his men.