#well...i tried

You found it hard to smile, conjuring up fake laughter to get along with others. Gloomy and grey in nature; some days you didn’t even feel like getting out of bed, chained down by your own mind. You drove people away, repelling like two sides of the same magnet. Sadness weaved its way in and when people asked if the glass was half-full or half-empty, you wondered why it even existed.

You are everything unlike him.

If he was the sun, you were the rain that concealed everything that was him. 

The house is oddly quiet when you arrive, the street desolate and no strange parked cars on the curb on the road. It only took one knock for the door to swing open, a sleepy man on the other side with pajama pants longer than his actual feet and his face flushing. “Yoongi, where is he?”

“In the spare bedroom.” He sighs and you step in after him.

The house reeks of alcohol and sweat, the floor filthy of paper and books, clothes and trash. It was always like this after one of their get togethers. “Where are the others?” You follow him into the kitchen where he jumps on the counter, taking a swig of his half-filled bottle.

Yoongi takes a long moment to answer, pondering where his own friends were inside the house. “I think Jimin’s on the couch. Taehyung’s on the floor somewhere. Be careful of stepping on him. I don’t know about the others. Maybe Namjoon went to take a piss outside and collapsed on the lawn again.”

“Great.” You dig your hands deep in your pockets. “But did you really have to call me all the way here?”

It was excruciating for you to slip out your warm covers when the clock had chimed midnight but when he said Hoseok’s name, you couldn’t lie that you came running.

He hums, sighing again. “The landlady’s a bitch. She’s coming over in the morning. Doesn’t like random people staying for free.”

“And the others?”

“I called some people for them. If anything, I’ll just throw them out back.” He chuckles hysterically, finding it funny if his friends woke up to a mouthful of dirt.

“And you couldn’t just drive them home because…..”

“Honey, I’m drunk.” Yoongi quips and even though his cheeks are red, somehow you’re still doubtful. He’s the most rational person you’ve ever seen drunk, calm and collected.

He smirks at you and you roll your eyes. “Can I ask you something?” He says after another swig.

“What?”

“How long are you gonna follow him around like a puppy for?”

You frown, a deep knot between your brows. His blunt words sting in your chest. “What are you talking about?”

He tilts his head, annoyed that you’re avoiding the topic and he deadpans. “Your crush on Hoseok.”

“It’s obvious.” He adds and you feel nauseous.

“Fuck off Yoongi.”

“Everyone knows about it. You don’t need to freak out.”

“We’re. friends.”

“You don’t have to be.”

“It’s not your problem, okay?” You grit your teeth, swallowing hard. You didn’t want to pick a fight with Yoongi. “It’s mine.”

He smiles smugly, shrugging slowly. It takes a moment for Yoongi to speak again, his words slightly slurring. “I don’t see what the problem is. Honestly, I think he lik-”

“Stop.” You wince away. “Don’t say that. Don’t give me hope.”

“Why not?”

You inhale a deep breath, feeling like something’s caught in your throat and your chest tightens. “I’m not good enough for someone like him. He deserves someone so much better, someone that isn’t me.”

//

Hoseok whimpers, his mind clouded but as he peels open his eyes, he sees you. He automatically smiles. “Y/N~?” He laughs, fumbling with his words like he bit his tongue. “Wha are you doin here, huh? Come to seee mee?” He pokes your cheek and you glance at him once before continuing.

“Stand on your own, dammit!” Yoongi huffs out, staggering himself.

The both of you are on each side of Hoseok, his arms thrown on your shoulders. You barely make it to the door and when you let go, he completely collapses on Yoongi who shouts, making a nearby Jin grumble tiredly.

You shove shoves onto his feet, immediately easing Yoongi of his deadweight. “Hoseok.” You shake him but he’s out like a light. “Hoseok, do you have the keys to your house? Hoseok. Hobi.” You sigh. “Yoongi can you-”

“I’m on it.” Yoongi responds as he messily pats down the man whose arms are wrapped around your neck. He digs in Hoseok’s pants pockets and hoodie but comes out short. “Nope.”

“Great.” You sigh, readjusting him so that he can at least walk himself. “Hoseok!”

“Hm?!” He opens his eyes suddenly. “What’s going on?”

“We have to go.”

“We have to go?”

“We have to go.”

He looks at you, eyes softening and when his gaze becomes too much and you move your head, he follows. It’s overwhelming when he’s a few inches away. His eyes glued to yours even when you try to avert. “We have to go.” You swallow hard, repeating yourself and he smiles, as brightly as the sunshine that’s sleeping.

“Okay.”

Yoongi opens his house door and when you wave goodbye, he does the same; shaking his head and sighing as you catch Hoseok again when he trips.

//

It is black, like ebony casted over your eyes and you can’t see a thing. Even as you blink and try to make out the ceiling of your living room, it’s still impossible. The only thing that keeps you awake aside from the beating of your own heart and your running poisonous thoughts is the wild, hammering beat on your window pane. It is shrieking through the cracks, violently whipping at the glass and you shiver underneath a thin blanket.

The sky is crying frozen droplets like you are, buckets and buckets of tears pouring down and flooding the city in grey. Even the moonbeams aren’t able to pierce through the clouds that are gathered in the sky, the crack of lightning sometimes allowing you a twinkle of light. The people that were still on the streets ran for their lives and hid underneath coverings. No one wanted to play underneath the dripping sky. No one liked the weeping of the heavens.

You hate the rain.

“What are you doing?” A thick voice emerges from several feet away and you move your head upwards, switching a lamp near the table on.

You flinch when the living room suddenly floods with a piercing light. “Hoseok?”

His hair is a ruffled mess, eyes swollen and he’s still blinking at you, dazed. The sight makes the bugs in your heart squirm. “Why are you sleeping out here?” He asks, voice no longer slurring but husky like he hasn’t spoken in years.

You’re lying on the couch with a thin blanket, having Hoseok collapsed on your bed instead. You couldn’t bear the pain nor carry the audacity of climbing in after him or sharing the small mattress.

He pulls your arm up and you frown. “What a-”

He gives you a look of utter disbelief. “You really think I’m going to let you sleep on the couch when I’m hogging your bed?” Switching off the lamp, you follow after him with reluctance yet with no strength to refuse. “Your back will ache so much in the morning.”

“It’s fine.”

“It’s not fine to me.”

You wonder if he can feel how sweaty your palms are getting, how loud your heartbeat is or how your breath has stopped completely. But you're just glad that it’s dark, he can’t see the mess that you are.

The mess that you are for him.

“Here.” He lets you on the bed and settles between the covers himself. “I promise I’ll leave in the morning. It’s like four am right now.”

With slow hesitation you climb in, pressed between the mattress and the toasty blanket. You move to your side, on the edge to build distance away from his body. It’s too overwhelming, you almost feel suffocating and now sleep is even farther away.

“It’s raining.” Hoseok hums after minutes, whispering into the empty air and wondering if you were awake like him.

“Yeah.” You hum.

“I hate the rain.”

“I love the rain.”

The both of you simultaneously interrupt each other. And it takes a few moments for his words to process through your brain. “What?” You turn around, realizing that he was on his own side, facing you. But now the both of you were a few distances away, facing each other and something you discovered not because you could see in the pitch black but his warm breath that fanned over your lips.

“Why?” You murmur out.

“It’s nice...gentle...calming.” You can hear his smile, the honey dripping in his voice. “It smells good afterwards like that earth scent, you know?”

To Hoseok he found the falling droplets and pitter-pattering on the rooftops to be a sweet, soft melody. It’s a whisper in the air, a downpour that washed the ground and left it with flourishing flowers, a fresh fragrance; the purest.

“I love the rain.”

It was too much for you; his words suffocated you and you were trapped in your own emotions. It was painful and you knew it was time to leave it behind. You had plans to let it be, let it simmer until it all but evaporated. Perhaps one day, you would’ve told him after all, many decades later and the both of you would’ve marvelled about how ridiculous it would’ve been - you and him together.

You could laugh, he would laugh and it would be all over. But time couldn’t heal or hide the feelings that were conjuring inside your heart, it only got worse.

Maybe by morning you would be horrified by your own decision, maybe you’d never be able to get up again or look his way without hurt. You already knew what you were going to hear but maybe that’s all you needed. A heard rejection to end all suffering. ‘No’.

“Hoseok?”

“Hm?”

“I love you.”

You grip the bed sheets within your fist, swallowing hard and closing your eyes. You can hear how he stops breathing. You already begin to regret saying anything.

“Since when?”

“I don’t know.” You answer honestly in a whimper. “Since forever maybe?”

He doesn’t say anything except after a long moment, drawn out to make your head pound with the words ‘no’, you feel his touch graze your cheek. You flinch and he draws back. “Is it okay?” He asks and you hum.

His hand falls to your cheek, thumb slowly brushing your skin. “Were you crying?” He asks and you don’t respond. “Y/N?”

You hum.

“Can I kiss you?”

Something catches in your heart. “Do you really want to do that?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

In a flash of a moment, you feel a plush softness press to your lips. It’s gentle, barely there but a feathered pillow graze. You can only hope that you won’t wake up in sweat, realizing that it was all a painful dream.

His hands are cupping your cheeks and he tilts his head, trying to deepen the kiss, taste your lips to a stronger degree by lightly tugging your bottom lip. He shifts his leg in between yours and when he presses right against your core, you gasp, allowing him access. You moan when he shifts upwards, hands on both sides of your head, kissing you until your lips are swollen and you’re gasping for breath. “I love you.”

Your brain is in too much of a whirlwind to realize the meaning of his whispers, simply making you shudder with his warm breath against your ear. “Can I touch you?” He asks, voice calm and simmering desire underneath.

You can only manage one whisper, through parted lips. “Please.”

Piece after piece are stripped from his body and yours with hesitation and his trembling fingers until you lay your hands on top of his in reassurance. Within moments you’re vulnerable underneath him, anxious with goosebumps raising along your skin from being exposed to the sudden cool air. He reaches over, switching on a lamp and the room automatically floods with a warm glow, casting shadows of you and him onto the floorboards.

You shudder every time his warm hands run along your skin; through the dip in your back, your hips, legs, thighs and everywhere he can get, gazing over each inch with softened eyes. “Don’t look so closely.” Your words manage through shaking lips.

He smiles. “I can’t.”

With your pouted lips, he kisses you again and again. At first it’s peppered kisses then it lingers for longer and longer, his honey orbs connected with yours until you close your eyes. He inhales into your scent and you groan, murmuring his name between your locked mouths. When he finally let’s go, the both of you are panting.

His leg is wedged between yours, fingers dancing dangerously along your folds. He continues to kiss you, fluttering touches of his lips along your face; cheeks, jaw and nose. You’re a shaking, whimpering mess without him even needing to touch you more than light fingertip caresses.

“Hoseok.” You huff out his name and he smiles.

“What?”

You don’t even know what you’re asking him for, why you’re even calling him but you’re dazed and with your begging eyes, he smiles gently and gives in. Within mere moments, he finally invades your body with his fingers and you gasp, shocked and shuddering at the flood of sensations.

You wonder how much time passes and he just continues, in a slow motion to a fast, frantic pace; drawing back when your thighs begin quivering too much and you’re close to the end. There’s sweat lining both your foreheads, the heat too unbearable for you and he keeps nipping at the skin of your neck, smiling when you get louder and louder.

But his smug expression is wiped completely when you force your eyes open, looking at him with an expression of desperation and plea. “Please. Hoseok. Please.”

He repositions himself and with one kiss, buries himself deep in you, setting a rough pace. You’re lurching forward on the mattress, back pressed down as you clutch his arm, fingernails digging into his skin. Despite the frantic pushes and draw backs, his gaze never wavers or loses trace of the gentle warmth, making you lose your mind even more.

You’re sputtering his name as he moans, closing his eyes and washing over the sensation. He licks his lips, grabbing your hair lightly and the both of you press your foreheads together. He kisses you one more time before shoving a hand between your legs.

Like the thunder outside, lightning shoots through your body and the tension in your stomach finally shatters. You dissolve into the pleasure and his pace loses control, his pants become more frantic and his fingers press deeper into the skin of your thighs, marking black and blue by morning light. When you fall back down onto earth, he finally releases, a warm stream coating your walls. With a few more pushes, he collapses onto your body and kisses you again.

You’re too dazed, wondering if it’s all a dream but with his hand intertwined in yours, you fall into a slumber without checking twice.

//

People always wondered why he was friends with someone like you.

You were the gloomy one who always gathered their knees together to sit alone in the corner, the child that was picked last and only only out of pity, a little too lonely to admit outright. But he was there with a held out hand and a genuine smile, like the sunshine and made your world a little less grey. Years went by and you sharpened the skill of speaking to strangers and drawing up grins with chirpy laughter. But underneath it all, you were still the rain.

He, on the other hand, knew how to make a sincere smile line your lips, coral dust on your cheeks. Somewhere along the way, your colours changed from ash to a rose-tinted world and there was something more when he called your name, heartstrings that tug and a longing melody echoing into the caverns of your heart.

People always wondered why he was friends with someone like you. You wondered it too.

You shook yourself awake, feeling an ache between your joints and a stiffness in your body. The minute you opened your eyes, you were met with your best friend, lying on his stomach next to you and it took the next second for you to realize what had happened.

Instantly, you bolted to your feet, scavenging for your clothes on the floor and shoving them onto your body. “What are you doing?” A groggy voice slowly asks, awakened by the noise and you flinch. You don’t answer, instead putting your legs through your pants and you can hear the covers shuffle around.

“Are you going somewhere?” He asks in a concerned voice but you don’t turn around. “Y/N?”

You pull your shirt on, already scrambling for the door. “Y/N?”

You swallow hard, making it to the doorway to pull on your shoes but before you can leave, he grabs your arm. Finally, you turn around to meet his eyes, feeling your heart catch in your throat.

His eyes are crinkled in distress, brows furrowed so deep that you think it might leave marks. “Y/N, what’s wrong?”

“N-nothing’s wrong.” You manage with a smile.

“Don’t lie to me.” He begs and your fake smile falls. “Where are you going?”

“Just out.” You shrug but dying to run for your life.

He finally lets you go but his gaze keeps your feet planted to the ground. “Did you regret it?” He asks in a hushed whisper.

“No!” You inhale a sharp breath, raising your hands. “No that’s not it.”

“Then what’s wrong?” His voice cracks like he’s holding back a sob.

The sight pains you unbearably. “You….you deserve someone better.”

“What?”

“Someone that’s not me. Anyone! As long as they’re not me.” You murmur out, avoiding his strong stare. “It was a mistake.”

He is the sun, someone so bright and warm but all you did was become a hindrance. His smile would be wiped when he saw you, replaced with something you couldn’t understand, even after all these years. His rambunctious laughter became quieter in your presence and he shined brighter without you there.

The mumbles of people’s disbelief swirled in your head, questions of why he even spared time for you and you wondered the same, questions that had no answers to. And when you looked in the mirror, you only felt more and more inadequate, the longer and closer your stared, the more flaws uncovered underneath the layers. He deserved someone that made him grin even wider, someone beautiful as he is; another star or sun.

But you were the rain.

“You need someone better, okay?” You were starting to become angry, something that surprised him. You were usually soft-spoken but nonetheless, he took a step forward.

“Y/N.”

“You need someone prettier and smarter and more talented than someone like me. You deserve so much more, you’re amazing and everyone knows that. You can have anyone you want. Just anyone that isn’t me!” You spit out at him.

There’s a long silence as he stares at you with utter disbelief. “Stop making me out to be something more than I actually am!” He shouts, fists tightening. “I thought of all people, you wonder understand that.”

“I’m a horrible person.” He says.

“You’re not.”

“I am!” He reaches out his hand but when you wince away, he lowers it with a flash of hurt. “Do you know why I even became your friend?” He shakes his head at you but you don’t answer, only frowning. “It’s because I fell in love with you. I didn’t even have intentions of being your friend, Y/N. This entire time, for all these years. Every time you looked at me or spoke to me, thinking I was your best buddy that you could depend on. Do you know what I thought of you at night when I was alone? Do you know what I did when I thought about you?”

Your cheeks flush from his words, slowly stepping back. He chuckles sadly. “All those times I told you about those girls, all the girls I slept with - they were to make you jealous, Y/N. I was stupid. I’m still stupid! I lied to you this entire time. I lied to your face. I never wanted to be just your friend.”

He grabs your hand gently. “Please Y/N. Stop making me out to be something more than I really am.”

It’s too much to bear when the sun says that it isn’t the sun; something you’ve believed your entire life you’re suddenly suppose to no longer believe with a string of words, a few sentences. And when you can’t understand, an overload of emotions washing over you to be overwhelming, you do what you know best; running away.

You peel your hand away from his, throwing the door open and running out into the rain. “Y/N!” He calls after you but you keep running.

It was too hard to chase the sun when you were rain.

It’s still downpouring from the night, the sky in grey and covered in clouds. The streets are empty, people hiding in their homes or taking cover; fearing their bodies getting drenched, clothes sticking to their skin and sickness slithering up their spines from the chill. The water screams at you, pummeling the top of your head and eventually you run out of strength to run through the endless puddles. Why?

The hammering of the droplets stop and you feel warmth linger behind you. When you look up, the grey clouds are replaced with a bright yellow umbrella. “Why?” You turn around to Hoseok who’s wearing his clothes from last night, searching your face frantically, trying to understand what you’re feeling. “Why do you love me?”

“Because you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met.” He professes, drawing you in for a tight embrace. “The kindest when no one’s looking, the gentlest and the sweetest. I don’t need to always smile or be loud or laugh or shine for you. You won’t ask me what’s wrong. I can be who I really am.”

You pull away, smiling sincerely as your heartstrings tug a melody that’s no longer filled with sorrows. He steals your smile, pressing his lips against yours and you hold him tight.