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If you keep reading you will soon come across a set of jokes that we wrote about the past week of news.
Hope you enjoy!
For one of his charities, author George RR Martin is promising to give the highest bidder the chance to be killed in one of his Game of Thrones novels. Of course, first you have to be a character people actually like.
For one of his charities, author George RR Martin is promising to give the highest bidder the chance to be killed in one of his Game of Thrones novels. Hmmm… what’s the best way to raise money for charity? “Murder!” says George RR Martin excitedly.
In South Carolina, a loaded gun was found in the grocery aisles of a Target, much to the fear of the staff and customers. Although, if you want to send the message that projectile weapons aren’t allowed at your store, perhaps your logo shouldn’t be a target.
Dan Marino, who sued the NFL over concussion claims, has now retracted the lawsuit, saying he was confused when he filed it… Probably from all the concussions.
Last night, a nun won the Italian version of The Voice. This is the first time a religious leader has won a reality competition since the Dalai Lama won Real World-Road Rules Challenge.
Last night, a nun won the Italian version of The Voice. Fittingly, her winning song was “All the Single Ladies.”
Lego is launching a new line of figurines that includes female chemists, paleontologists, and astronomers. Great: More unrealistic body types for young females to try to live up to. (*Hold hands in pinched motion to resemble Lego hands*).
A New Orleans homicide detective was fired after he painted on a crime scene wall using the victim’s blood. He was asked to turn in his badge and gun and watercolors.
A New Orleans homicide detective was fired after he painted on a crime scene wall using the victim’s blood. Which seems like fair punishment until you realize: we draw outside the victim’s body with chalk.
China is reportedly bulldozing dozens of mountains to make way for cities. Mountains are reportedly running for the hills BOOM WORDLPLAY.
China is reportedly bulldozing dozens of mountains to make way for cities. Because if we didn’t have enough to fear about China and their inevitable ascendance to global supremacy, THEY ARE NOW LITERALLY MOVING MOUNTAINS.
China is reportedly bulldozing dozens of mountains to make way for cities. I knew it was a mistake for Obama to name John Henry the ambassador to China.
The CIA has recently joined Twitter. This social media move is on the heels of their becoming mayor of the Pentagon on FourSquare.
The CIA has recently joined Twitter. This is their second swing at social media after their string of bad luck on Tinder.
In Russia, after an accused felon claimed to be 13, authorities ordered a medical examination where doctors looked at his genitals and estimated him to be above age 17, thus getting him tried as an adult. Weird: our government only gets to look at our private parts if we text them to someone.
In Russia, after an accused felon claimed to be 13, authorities ordered a physical examination where doctors looked at his genitals and estimated him to be above age 17, thus getting him tried as an adult. Ahhhh, of course: the ol’ “I’m just a 13 year old with an 18 year olds dick” defense.
In Russia, after an accused felon claimed to be 13, authorities ordered a physical examination where doctors looked at his genitals and estimated him to be above age 17, thus getting him tried as an adult. Knowing Russia’s judicial system, he’s probably also on trial for flashing the doctor.
Citizens of the Southhamptons are reportedly harassing the Kardashian sisters to leave their city since their presence “cheapens the brand.” They’re doing it all wrong; if you want drive Kardashians out of your city, build a library.
Citizens of the Southhamptons are reportedly harassing the Kardashian sisters to leave their city since their presence “cheapens the brand.” “We just don’t want any rich assholes here” said one of the rich assholes.
A school in Oregon is making condoms available to students in the sixth grade. So, recess, just got a whole lot better. (photo: condom water balloon fight).
The city of Cleveland is considering implementing a “losing tax” which would punish its professional sports teams for losing. Now coming to Cleveland: Bankrupt sports teams.
The city of Cleveland is considering implementing a “losing tax” which would punish its professional sports teams for losing.
A new study finds that working extra extra hard isn’t really worth it. Researchers found this out after staying up all night to finish this study.
A judge in Florida reportedly told a lawyer he’d beat his ass, then actually did. The judge is defending himself with “Stand your ground.”
A judge in Florida reportedly told a lawyer he’d beat his ass, then actually did. Although it’s kind of unfair. He’s got a gavel.
A judge in Florida reportedly told a lawyer he’d beat his ass, then actually did. Just in case you needed more evidence that Florida’s judicial system was flawed.
A Japanese clothing line has replaced the “Small Medium and Large” sizes with “Skinny Fat and Jumbo.” Those labels may sound harsh but they were better than their original “Anorexic, Porker, and Whale.”
We forgot to upload the jokes we wrote for two weeks ago. So here they are in all of their shining glory.
Thanks guys.
Bret & Jordan
Sources say that the Zimbabwe government’s bank account has only $280 in it. While it’s neighboring Nigeria's bank account has billions and a very exciting investment opportunity.
Today, rapper Chris Brown compared himself to Jesus. Tomorrow, Kanye West will sue him for identity theft.
It’s being reported that former Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino had love child. It’s unfortunate because love childs are really an antiquated football sex scandal.
It’s being reported that former Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino had love child. Marino said all this could have been prevented if he had been smarter and purchased a cell phone.
In an interview with Katie Couric, Manti Te’o said he genuinely fell in love with Lennay Kukua, although his pet name for her is Attention.
In an interview on CBS, Manti Te’o’s internet hoaxer says he was in love with Te’o. Which is pretty unbelievable… almost as unbelievable as a Mormon from Hawaii playing linebacker for a bunch of Catholics, and actually being good at it.
Today, the Groundhog came out of his hole, saw his shadow, and predicted an early spring. Then he went back in his hole and presumably licked his groundhog balls because groundhogs know nothing about the weather.
Today, the Groundhog came out of his hole and saw his shadow, foreseeing only another few weeks of winter. He then went back into his hole, and foresaw another few millenniums of continuing this fucking stupid tradition.
Today is Groundhog day, the perfect day to watch everyone’s favorite Bill Murray movie: Garfield.
Earlier this week, Chinese hackers hacked NY Times website. However, they were reportedly unable to read it, because they actually understood good English.
According to fitness experts, there’s a new female workout trend catching on that utilizes high heels. The workout consists of complaining to your boyfriend for an entire night, even though he said flats look great on you.
According to fitness experts, there’s a new female workout trend catching on that utilizes high heels. You warm-up by struggling to put the shoes on for 10 minutes, then you limp around for an entire night, and you cool down by icing your blisters the next day, while your boyfriend buys you Skecher’s ShapeUps.
According to fitness experts, there’s a new female workout trend catching on that utilizes high heels. The fitness expert being Kathy. (photo of comic strip Kathy).
A new study reports that insurance companies like rich people better. And common sense tells us that pretty much all companies like rich people better.
This week, TV personality Barbara Walters got the chickenpox for the first time. Making her the oldest person ever—.
Earlier today, Sarah Palin quit the Fox News Network so that she could “broaden her appeal.” The best way to do that? Stop talking.
