#weekly comedy

A new study shows that the wealthiest 20 percent of Americans get almost 60% of all the tax breaks.  When reached for comment, the wealthiest 20 percent said “Shhh…”

  13-year-old Arvind Mahankali won the Scripps National Spelling Bee last night.  His winning word was his own name.

  An new op/ed from the Washington post says that “We aren’t taking kids sports seriously enough.”  This was written by the guy who takes his kids sports way too seriously.

  Motorola announced today that they plan to be the first company to manufacture a smartphone in the U.S.  They want it to reflect the American citizenry: it’s bigger, it’s slower, and it will only have one language setting.

  According to MIT research, Kim Kardashian is retweeted twice as often as President Obama.  This is definitely a sad statistic to hear, but at least MIT is putting their brains to good use.

According to MIT research, Kim Kardashian is retweeted twice as often as President Obama.  In response, President Obama tweeted “OMG lovin’ these leggings!”

  A new study reports that soda is as bad for your teeth as crystal meth.  So, kids, what can we conclude?  The best time to do crystal meth is when you still got your baby teeth in.

A new study reports that soda is as bad for your teeth as crystal meth.  The study also concluded that neither were as bad for your teeth as being British.

A new study reports that soda is as bad for your teeth as crystal meth—although the scientists said it was significantly less fun.

A new study reports that soda is as bad for your teeth as crystal meth.  So if you know you’re going to have cavities, you might as well go all out.

  The International Olympic Committee announced that wrestling is one of the three finalists to make the ballot to become an Olympic sport again.  So if you’re a fan of watching scantily-clad sweaty men collide bodies and wrap their arms around each other, you can stop watching gay porn.

The International Olympic Committee announced that wrestling is one of the three finalists to make the ballot to become an Olympic sport again.  Which made wrestlers excited. And because of their uniforms, we could tell.

  The HBO crew that filmed Dennis Rodman’s visit to North Korea revealed that Michael Jordan was their first choice.  Perhaps most shocking was that Dennis Rodman was their second choice.

  A disgruntled employee in Disneyland was arrested yesterday for exploding a dry ice bomb in the park.  Cops aren’t exactly sure of the criminal, but if it’s a disgruntled Disney employee, might I add Grumpy to the list of suspects.

A disgruntled employee in Disneyland was arrested yesterday for exploding a dry ice bomb in the park.  Fortunately, nobody was hurt.  Unfortunately, neither was It’s A Small World.

  The NYPD intercepted a package of Ricin that was sent to Mayor Michael Bloomberg.  The cops knew it was illegal, because of the container it came in.

  Pakistan’s government made a law that workers are no longer allowed to wear socks.  A good move, since most Pakistani workers wear sandals.

  A British clothing store is recalling a line of its belts because of their radioactivity.  So if you don’t want to have superpowers, return that belt.

  At a Burger King in California, an on-the-clock worker hid a robbers’ getaway car from the cops in the fast food restaurant’s parking lot, only to be found out.  This move is against the law but it is consistent with the philosophy of Have It Your Way.

  Congress has asked theWashington Redskins to change their name due to its offensiveness to Native Americans, which the NFL team is resisting.  A compromise was met on the Washington Potato Skins.

  It’s being reported that New Jersey sent over $24 Million in benefits to prisoners.  Many are calling it a misuse of funds, but, come on, the prisoners look fabulous in their new jumpsuits…

http://bit.ly/17AJFrS

 And the cane can be used to pick up trash on the highways.

A new cologne is out that supposedly makes you smell like a Boston firefighter.  It’s called “You’re Still Not a Hero.”

A new cologne is out that supposedly makes you smell like a Boston firefighter.  Which makes sense because the first thing metrosexuals want to smell like is rubber, ash, and meatball subs.

  The Chicago Sun Times has laid off its entire photography department.  Apparently they weren’t over-using the Earlybird filter. 

The Chicago Sun Times has laid off its entire photography department.  It’s saving them money, but unfortunately they only have access to Instagram photos.

(headline with Benghazi and photo of someone’s feet at the beach. Just imagine that becaues I don't feel like making it).

Yesterday in New Jersey, the police busted up a prostitution ring at a retirement home.  Which was the only place where strippers wore Life Alerts that said, “Help! I’ve dropped it to the flo’ and I can’t get up.”

Yesterday in New Jersey, the police busted up a prostitution ring at a retirement home.  The forensics team collected all the evidence and sent it to a lab so that it could be burnt down and never seen again.

Yesterday in New Jersey, the police busted up a prostitution ring at a retirement home.  This prompted every police officer saying in unison, “I’m getting too old for this shit.”

Yesterday in New Jersey, the police busted up a prostitution ring run at a retirement home.  It was the only retirement home where attendants helped elders change their diapers and put on condoms.

Yesterday in New Jersey, the police busted up a prostitution ring run at a retirement home.  Perhaps most disgusting was finding out that the elders were wearing their adult diapers as splooge catchers.

Yesterday in New Jersey, the police busted up a prostitution ring run at a retirement home.  Let's just say people were yelling "Bingo" even when it wasn't game night.

The president of the UN said that one way to address world hunger is for people stop complaining and eat insects.  He announced this while hosting an episode of Fear Factor.

The president of the UN John William Ashe said that to solve world hunger everyone should eat insects.  When the world refused, Ashe double dog dared it.

  Disney is facing controversy, after their makeover to Brave’s Merida gave her a smaller waist and bigger boobs.   Which is the most dramatic alteration to a Disney princess since Mulan’s penis was removed.

Disney is facing controversy, after their makeover to Brave’s Merida gave her a smaller waist, bigger boobs, took away her freckles and overbite, and tanned her skin.  I, for one, think their new portrayal is completely unfaithful to the original.

 I mean she doesn't even have her bow and arrows. C'mon Disney!

  Yesterday, a one million dollar jewelry heist happened at the Cannes Film Festival.  It was the plot to the least exciting Ocean’s movie yet.  

  Bill Gates is once again the richest man in the world, and it’s been six years since he last held that distinction.  Gates credits this with good luck, strong investments, and an endless stream of kickstarter campaigns.

  A new study shows that the majority of Americans dislike hipsters.  No, America! What are you doing?! Don't you see: If we dislike them, they win, that’s what they want!

A new study by the Dept. of Disease Control reveals that 60% of public swimming pools contain fecal contamination.  This means that 40% of public pools are currently closed to the public.

A new study by the Dept. of Disease Control reveals that 60% of public swimming pools contain fecal contamination.  Knowing this should make you feel a lot less guilty about going number one.

A new study by the Dept. of Disease Control reveals that 60% of public swimming pools contain fecal contamination.  And 100% of public pools will contain me not in them.

  Today in New York, a painting of a topless Bea Arthur sold for 1.9 million dollars.  Clearly, the purchaser of this painting has no idea about the going market price of porn.

Today in New York, a painting of a topless Bea Arthur sold for 1.9 million dollars.  This beats the sales of the clothed Bea Arthur paintng by 1.9 million dollars.

  Fox is reportedly renewing 24 for an additional season. The announcement was made over an intense phone conversation with just enough time to trace the call.

Fox is reportedly renewing Kiefer Sutherland’s 24 for an additional season.  In a related story, the Department of Homeland Security lowered the terrorism threat level to green, but the likelihood of innocent doors being kicked down is now at blood red.

The country of Venezuela is facing a toilet paper shortage.  In other words, Venezuela is seemingly like every outhouse I choose to poop in. I have horrible luck when it comes to crapping in public places.

The country of Venezuela is facing a shortage of toilet paper.  In other words, Venezuela is like every outhouse I choose to poop in.  Which just shows the Venezuela is still facing the after effects of Hugo Chavez's irritable bowel syndrome.

  Yesterday in Florida, cops arrested a bank burglar by following a trail of coins to his house.  That’s probably because they chose an awful getaway plan.

  An inmate at a federal prison is suing Taco Bell because he claims the Doritos Locos Taco was his idea.  This is bound to be a class-action lawsuit for potheads everywhere.  

An inmate at a federal prison is suing Taco Bell because he claims the Doritos Locos Taco was his idea.  If you are wondering what he’s in for, remember: He’s suing Taco Bell for intellectual property infringement.  Somewhere along the way, we can assume weed is somehow involved.

An inmate at a federal prison is suing Taco Bell because he claims the Doritos Locos Taco was his idea.  Taco Bell released a statement today on one of their hot sauce packets with choice words for the accuser.

    A chance to have coffee with Apple CEO Tim Cook is going for over six hundred thousand dollars at an online auction.  The Apple executive reportedly likes his coffee like he likes his turtlenecks: “Black, and made by the hands of poor people.”

  At Arizona State, a passed-out member of a frat was dropped off at the ER with a post-it note on him asking for help.  His friends were reportedly worried about him being t-bagged to death.

At Arizona State, a passed-out member of a frat was dropped off at the ER with a post-it note on him asking for help.  The post-it note went well with the penis drawn on his face.  Naturally.

At Arizona State, a passed-out member of a frat was dropped off at the ER with a post-it note on him asking for help.  The note specifically said, “He drank the punch.”

  A candidate for mayor in North Miami has claimed that Jesus came to her and endorsed her campaign.  Jesus denied the endorsement, saying, “I’m probably just going to go with the name I recognize.”

A candidate for mayor in North Miami has claimed that Jesus endorses her campaign.  Even fishier is that her campaign slogan claims to be on Oprah’s book of the month club.

A candidate for mayor in North Miami has claimed that Jesus endorses her campaign.  Which explains why her campaign button is this:

Last week, a candidate for mayor in North Miami has claimed that Jesus endorses her campaign.  Although in Miami, it’s probably just a Jesús who does roofing.

  In Massachusetts, a prisoner is suing the Department of Correction because they denied him dragon’s blood and carrot cake for his religious rituals.  Which really just sounds like improved Eucharist.

In Massachusetts, a prisoner is suing the Department of Correction because they denied him dragon’s blood and carrot cake for his religious rituals.  Gonna be honest: After dragon’s blood, I wasn’t expecting him to request carrot cake.  That’s sort of like: In order to summon the spirits of Hothgar, I need orc semen and raisin bagels.

In Massachusetts, a prisoner is suing the Department of Correction because they denied him dragon’s blood and carrot cake for his religious rituals.  The man is reportedly a practicing bad-ass with a non-denominational sweet tooth.

In Massachusetts, a prisoner is suing the Department of Correction because they denied him dragon’s blood and carrot cake for his religious rituals.  The jail responded (unsurely): Will a phone call suffice??? In Massachusetts, a prisoner is suing the Department of Correction because they denied his request of dragon’s blood and carrot cake.  What the hell, prison: He's probably just a Game of Thrones fan with a sweet tooth, give him what he wants.

An airplane was forced to make an emergency stop because a passenger’s singing was so awful.  Apparently the pilot was just Simon Cowell.  “Your singing was so bad, it made me want to take a layover in New Jersey."

An airplane was forced to make an emergency stop in Kansas City because a passenger’s singing was so awful.  In unrelated news, Ke$ha has added Kansas City to her tour. Burn. Burn. Burn.

  It’s being reported that McDonald’s will have a new rival to the McRib, and it isn’t health statistics. 

  Newsweek unveiled a new redesign that reportedly is more catered to the modern reader.  Anyone else feel like Newsweek is one redesign away from becoming less informative than the back of a cereal box?

  A new study reports that there’s no need to dramatically cut salt out of your diet.  This study was conducted by the Midwest.

It’s being reported that Columbia University still has a “whites-only” scholarship.  It doesn’t technically say that; it says the student must be from Vermont and like the show Will and Grace.

It’s being reported that Columbia University still has a “whites-only” scholarship.  It’s given to that one asshole who thinks he’s making a good point when he says, “How come there isn’t a white history month?”  Why isn’t there a white history month? Because you’re an asshole that’s why.

  For a 15th birthday gift, Jaden Smith asked his dad Will “to be emancipated.”  So this October you will be able to see a movie with the tagline “Jaden Smith is… Emancipated.”

  It’s being reported that the rest of the Kardashian family doesn’t like Kim’s boyfriend Kanye West, saying he isn’t a gentlemen.  Kris Jenner said, “He doesn’t do boyfriend things—like hold doors for her or videotape them during sex.”

  In Oregon, a man was arrested for ejaculating onto the heads of bus passengers.  AND YET ANOTHER REASON NOT TO RIDE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION.

In Oregon, a man was arrested for ejaculating onto the heads of bus passengers.  What might be most shocking about this story is how he reached that high…I mean we’re talking some serious distance… Is his vas deferens a slingshot? I don’t know.

In Oregon, a man was arrested for ejaculating onto the heads of bus passengers.  Eyewitnesses on the scene are now temporarily half-blind.

  LinkedIn has now banned escorts and prostitutes from using their website; instead, they will offer them use of their companion service LickedIn.

LinkedIn has now banned escorts and prostitutes from using their website.  This is much to the dismay of prostitutes, who had great recommendation letters from Craig’s List.

Hey thanks for reading to the end y'all!