Jan 21
Turns out I can have goals in life cause I wanna do something… they don’t have to be maximally optimal to my skill set and “progression”.
Woah….
Learning I can do things just cause I want them… has actually been a game changer lol.
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Turns out I can have goals in life cause I wanna do something… they don’t have to be maximally optimal to my skill set and “progression”.
Woah….
Learning I can do things just cause I want them… has actually been a game changer lol.
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“Modern man lives under the illusion that he knows what he wants, while he actually wants what he is supposed to want.”
~ Erich Fromm
It's my fault. I let my guard down. But it's your fault, too. It's on US. And it...it's more your fault than the others, because--
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I kinda lost my big Dean farewell tour meta, but I still stand by the fact that Dean's decision not to go into the Mal'ak box was very much based on multiple people's support (Sam, Mary, Cas, Jack). That said, it was so so so conspicuous that he actively avoided Cas and Jack the most.
When Cas cornered him in Prophet and Loss things got, "an awkward beat / So this is goodbye?"...weird fast.
via @spnscripthunt
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In Ouroboros, all Cas has to do is catch Dean's eyes, and he just...falls right open. It's very clear that Cas's opinion on the matter is a quiet, powerful unsaid-thing.
Cas's hope is important here. More important than perhaps ANYONE is willing to admit. When he reassures Dean, Dean feels more at ease. More hopeful. And with most hopeful things, it feels a long way down when you fall from it.
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(Aside///Love how Dean throws Cas this cheeky little smile and Cas glares at him btw.)
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Later, when Dean wakes up after his injury, yes he's talking to all of TFW, of course he is. (He's talking to his brother, his best friend, his foster son.)
Here we have Dean lamenting that, like the chicken in Noah's story, he let his guard down, and now the snake is loose in the bunker.
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And here, we have such a subtle thing. The first of many cracks. Cas jumps in to talk to him, and Dean immediately fires back. He's reacting to Cas.
The camera focuses on Sam, gets Sam's reaction. But Dean? Dean's squared up to Cas. He's invoking his fresh conversation with Cas in the diner.
Cas is holding Dean's gaze evenly, and they're assuming their usual battle positions. Sam holds up his hands like he's getting between them, de-escalating the thing between them on gut instinct.
(it reminds me of this one)
Already, there's an insidious, human emotion seeming to take hold. Or at least, the seeds of it.
Somewhere deep is the burgeoning blame Dean's going to eventually put on Cas -> putting on him "the things he can't take," expecting him to protect everyone from everything, to be safe and keep them all safe.
("It's your fault I stayed. Because I stayed, [OMITTED, people I loved died]. It's more your fault than the others.")
But why is it more Cas's fault? Why is the reaction so outsized in Dean?
He doesn't just blame Cas for Mary, for the loss of Jack's soul that lead up to it. (Cas was supposed to succeed where John failed.)
He blames Cas for being a big part of why Dean wanted to stay in the first place. Cas made Dean want things.
And Dean's historic willingness to sacrifice himself is built on not wanting things for himself.
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Heroes die.
JOHN E. WINCHESTER 1954-2006 LOVING HUSBAND & FATHER REMEMBERED FOREVER DEAN: It's like my old life is, is coming after me or something. Like it like it doesn't want me to be happy. Course I know what you'd say.,,, So go hunt the Djinn. He put you here, it can put you back. Your happiness for all those people's lives, no contest. Right?" But why? Why is it my job to save these people? Why do I have to be some kind of hero? (begins to cry while talking) What about us, huh? What, Mom's not supposed to live her life, Sammy's not supposed to get married? Why do we have to sacrifice everything, Dad? (pause) It's... (Dean's lips tremble. Silence. We hear the sky rumbling. Tears begins to falls on DEAN's cheek.)
2x20
When Dean was willing to blow himself up in season 11, he was rewarded with his Mom coming back. When he wasn't willing to do it in season 14, his son stepped in to do it for him, losing his soul in the process and leading directly to the death of Mary. How horrible.
Step 1 in my What Do I Actually Want quest:
It is also important to figure out what you do not want, and if possible, to then stop doing it. This might be as major as quitting a job you hate or getting out of a toxic relationship, or it could be something much more minor. For example, if you're doing some sort of activity to pass the time and it's making you really quite frustrated and upset, do something else! It is literally okay! If your objective is to make yourself happy, then something that is causing you distress is not the ticket. You can always come back to it later when you're feeling better or more well-equipped.
I want to feel Iris by the Googoo Dolls about someone again
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Just thinking of finding someone who’ll actually love me entirely. Someone who’d choose me everyday—someone who’d love me just because they do. I’ve spent years just thinking and thinking of possibility having it but, when will I actually get the chance to get to live that outside my head? I don’t know yet and that infuriates me to the highest degree. I know I’m young I’m only seventeen but I can’t help but feel like I’m being left behind by herd of people who are in love. It fucking sucks.
The simplicity of the house is perhaps in line with the simplicity of Del Rey’s current desires, which are few. She isn’t sure she wants anything at all, and this, she told a friend recently, has come with its own set of challenges. “I don’t think it’s because I’ve done everything. I just don’t want, really. I thought about it all day, two days ago. Bugged me. I just couldn’t think of anything. And it wasn’t in the way, like, ‘Thou shalt not want for anything!’ It wasn’t like that. It was more just like I couldn’t think of anything. And [my friend] said, ‘Well, what if you whipped up your wildest desire?’ And I was like, I just couldn’t even whip something up journaling. So, I don’t know. But I have wanted things in the past really strongly.”