#erich fromm

Zen Buddhism and Psychoanalysis

— Nasihat Untukku Sebelum Menikah —

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Aku menulis ini bukan karena merasa telah siap, melainkan justru karena mulai sadar betapa banyak hal di dalam diriku yang belum selesai.

Tulisan ini bukan tentang mencari pasangan yang tepat, melainkan tentang keberanian menatap diri sendiri dengan jujur—tanpa romantisasi, tanpa ilusi bahwa cinta akan menyelamatkan segalanya.

Sebab mungkin kesalahan paling sunyi dalam pernikahan bukanlah memilih orang yang keliru, melainkan masuk ke dalam relasi sambil membawa kekacauan batin dan berharap orang lain sanggup merapikannya.

Jika pernikahan memang ditujukan untuk menghadirkan sakīnah, barangkali pertanyaan pertamanya bukan:

“Dengan siapa aku akan menikah?”

melainkan:

“Dalam keadaan seperti apa aku akan datang?”

Allah berfirman:

وَمِنْ اٰيٰتِهٖٓ اَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِّنْ اَنْفُسِكُمْ اَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوْٓا اِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَّوَدَّةً وَّرَحْمَةًۗ اِنَّ فِيْ ذٰلِكَ لَاٰيٰتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَّتَفَكَّرُوْنَ ۝

“Di antara tanda-tanda (kebesaran)-Nya ialah bahwa Dia menciptakan pasangan-pasangan untukmu dari (jenis) dirimu sendiri agar kamu merasa tenteram kepadanya. Dia menjadikan di antaramu rasa cinta dan kasih sayang. Sesungguhnya pada yang demikian itu benar-benar terdapat tanda-tanda (kebesaran Allah) bagi kaum yang berpikir.”

(QS. Ar-Rūm: 21)

Al-Qur’an menyebut tujuan pernikahan dengan kata yang lembut: li-taskunū—agar kamu merasa damai. Bukan agar kamu diselamatkan, bukan pula agar kekosonganmu diisi.

Dalam ilmu nahwu, kata li di sana bukan sekadar hiasan bahasa, melainkan penanda tujuan (lām ta‘līl). Kedamaian itu justru diasumsikan telah hadir lebih dulu di dalam diri manusia, sebagaimana isyarat lafadz min anfusikum—dari dirimu sendiri—lalu menemukan tempat bernaung di dalam relasi, sebagaimana dimaknai melalui lafadz azwājan—pasangan.

Saat menafsirkan ayat ini, Ibnu Katsir menjelaskan:

لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا أَيْ تَأْنَسُوا بِهَا وَتَسْتَقِرُّ نُفُوسُكُمْ عِنْدَهَا

“Agar kalian merasa tenteram kepadanya, yakni merasa nyaman dengannya dan jiwa kalian menjadi stabil bersamanya.”

Sementara Al-Qurthubi menegaskan bahwa sakīnah adalah:

سكون النفس وطمأنينتها لا مجرد قضاء الشهوة

“Ketenteraman dan ketenangan jiwa, bukan sekadar pemenuhan hasrat.”

Dulu aku sering bertanya-tanya: mengapa pernikahan justru menjadi arena kegelisahan banyak orang, jika Allah menyiapkannya sebagai jalan menuju sakīnah?

Seolah ada jarak antara janji wahyu dan realitas yang ku saksikan. Namun barangkali jawabannya bukan pada ayatnya, melainkan pada apa yang dibawa manusia ke dalamnya.

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Karena sakīnah bukan sesuatu yang dilahirkan oleh relasi, melainkan sesuatu yang—setidaknya mulai—ditumbuhkan di dalam diri, lalu dibawa masuk ke dalam relasi.

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Mirip memang, tapi berbeda. Dan perbedaan itu memuat dampak yang signifikan.

Maka ketika pernikahan gagal menghadirkan sakīnah, barangkali bukan ayatnya yang keliru, melainkan manusia yang belum sempat berdiam—dan berdamai—dengan dirinya sendiri.

Dari sini, muncul satu kesalahpahaman besar tentang pernikahan: seolah ia adalah pintu keluar dari kekosongan, padahal ia justru memperlebar apa pun yang kita bawa masuk ke dalamnya.

Bukan karena pernikahan kejam, tetapi karena ia jujur.

Pernikahan tidak runtuh karena manusia tidak sempurna, melainkan karena masing-masing menolak menyadari bahwa ia masih berada dalam proses.

Seseorang masuk ke dalam relasi dengan harapan diselamatkan, bukan dengan kesiapan untuk hadir. Ia berharap cinta menambal lubang, padahal lubang itu bahkan belum ia akui keberadaannya.

Gagasan ini bukan hal baru. Psikologi relasi telah lama menyadarinya. Erich Fromm pernah menuliskannya dengan jujur dan dingin:

“Love is not the solution to personal emptiness. Only mature individuals can truly love.”

Cinta bukan obat bagi jiwa yang kosong. Ia hanya bisa tumbuh di atas batin yang cukup utuh untuk berdiri sendiri—bukan sempurna, tetapi sadar.

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Itulah mengapa menikah tidak mengubah karakter. Ia hanya memperlihatkannya dengan lebih terang.

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Jika sebelum menikah seseorang belum disiplin pada hidupnya sendiri, kelalaian itu akan tampak lebih jelas ketika tanggung jawab berlipat.

Jika ia belum selesai dengan lukanya, sengaja atau tidak, luka itu akan mencari alamat baru—dan sering kali, alamat itu bernama pasangan.

Maka “selesai dengan diri sendiri” bukan tujuan final, melainkan kesediaan untuk terus bertanggung jawab atas proses batin yang berjalan seumur hidup.

Ia tidak selalu tampak dalam prestasi besar, tetapi dalam hal-hal kecil yang jujur:

bangun pagi atau tidak,

menepati janji pada diri sendiri atau tidak,

mengelola emosi atau melampiaskannya,

menjaga ibadah atau menjadikannya aksesori.

Seseorang bisa sangat cerdas, sangat sukses, sangat dipuji—namun tetap belum hadir sepenuhnya sebagai manusia. Dan sebaliknya, orang yang tampak biasa saja, hidup sederhana, namun sadar, teratur, dan bertanggung jawab, sering kali jauh lebih siap mencintai.

Karena relasi tidak membutuhkan orang hebat. Ia membutuhkan orang yang sadar;

sadar akan batasnya,

sadar akan lukanya,

dan sadar bahwa pasangannya bukan tempat membuang kekacauan batin.

Maka mungkin benar: lebih baik terlambat menikah, daripada menikah tanpa kesadaran untuk terus bertumbuh.

Sebab cinta bukan tempat untuk bersembunyi, melainkan ruang untuk berjalan bersama—dalam sadar, dalam proses.

Dan hanya mereka yang bersedia hadir sebagai manusia yang sedang bertumbuh yang mampu berdiri berhadapan dengan manusia lain tanpa ingin menguasai, menyelamatkan, atau diselamatkan.

Di situlah cinta menjadi tenang.

Di situlah pernikahan menjadi dewasa.

Maka diri, kau harus ingat ini baik-baik:

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“Menikahlah bukan untuk diisi, melainkan karena kau cukup sadar untuk hadir dan berbagi.”

The secret of GO lies in the pure beauty and profound depth of Crowley and Aziraphale’s relationship. Theirs is one of the most moving love stories I’ve ever encountered in fiction—without a doubt.

They weren’t made to love each other. And yet, they discover that they are.

From the day 1, they struggle against their feelings — the attraction, the fascination, the longing. But despite five millennia of efforts before the Arrangement began, they can’t stay apart.

So, they make a choice. Perhaps not fully realising it was love at the time — but still, they chose each other.

“Love isn't something natural. Rather it requires discipline, concentration, patience, faith, and the overcoming of narcissism. It isn't a feeling, it is a practice.”

I think these words perfectly describe what Crowley and Aziraphale share. And I hope that Erich Fromm wouldn't mind if I'll quote his The Art of Loving to explore more deeply the nature of the bond that binds the Ineffable Couple, their real love.

First, they show concentration on the other

They have patience - and respect for the other's needs

They have faith in the other - put their lives in the other's hands

There isn't in them - or I haven't noticed - any narcissism to overcome.

They aren't the typical dysfunctional fictional couple that audiences are trained to romanticise. They're not some Ross&Rachel or Buffy&Spike. Their relationship is anything but dysfunctional.

Aziraphale and Crowley don't hurt each other out of whim or caprices or the tropes of longing streched thin by time and space, they hurt each other because they love too much: I can't give you holy water, it'll destroy you completely; you are so clever, but also so stupid for still believing God might do something for the humans, but She ignores all of us; and so on with other painful truths spoken when love has nowhere safe to land.

To love someone whose very nature is meant to oppose yours — who was literally made to be your enemy and has the precise office to cancel you out — as an angel and a demon, should be impossible. It's difficult even for us, ordinary humans with our different natures! It seems unthinkable for them. And yet... their bond is ineffable.

Across the centuries, we see them dance together and get their own rhythm, softening the edges. They adapt, adjust, and grow — in the words of Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, not only gazing at each other, but looking together in the same direction too.

And they choose. Again and again, they choose.

“Love is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgment and decision?”

“Love is not primarily a relationship to a specific person; it is an attitude, an orientation of character which determines the relatedness of a person to the world as a whole, not toward one “object” of love.”

“If I truly love one person I love all persons, I love the world, I love life. If I can say to somebody else, "I love you," I must be able to say, "I love in you everybody, I love through you the world, I love in you also myself.”

They love each other, and they love humanity too, even if it puts them at risk. To love, in a world of orders and oppositions, is dangerous, sometimes even lethal.

But they love anyway. From always.

“What does one person give to another? He gives of himself, of the most precious he has, he gives of his life. This does not necessarily mean that he sacrifices his life for the other—but that he gives him of that which is alive in him; he gives him of his joy, of his interest, of his understanding, of his knowledge, of his humor, of his sadness—of all expressions and manifestations of that which is alive in him. In thus giving of his life, he enriches the other person, he enhances the other's sense of aliveness by enhancing his own sense of aliveness. He does not give in order to receive; giving is in itself exquisite joy. But in giving he cannot help bringing something to life in the other person, and this which is brought to life reflects back to him.”

Here we have a crowd of exemples, when it comes to the sacrifice: Crowley saving Aziraphale from the Blitz, Aziraphale giving the Holy Water, knowing what it might mean... Moreover, every time they meet, every time they speak they risk their life.

And they are full of each other's life, having something that in many long-term marriages is only a dream: to know each other by heart, to carry the other always within oneself. In magic, books, sadness, anxiety, tone of voice, sarcasm, glances...

"He does not give in order to receive; giving is in itself exquisite joy.”

"But in giving he cannot help bringing something to life in the other person, and this which is brought to life reflects back to him."

“Mature love is union under the condition of preserving one’s integrity, one’s individuality. Love is an active power in man; a power which breaks through the walls which separate man from his fellow men, which unites him with others; love makes him overcome the sense of isolation and separateness, yet it permits him to be himself, to retain his integrity. In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two.”

Infantile love follows the principle: "I love because I am loved." Mature love follows the principle: "I am loved because I love." Immature love says: "I love you because I need you." Mature love says: "I need you because I love you."

My favourite one. The first line isn't given to our ineffable pair, but we can find its echo in Adam. He's truly loved by his family, and because of that love, he loves Tadfield and the familiar world around him: he chooses love too, he chooses not to be the Antichrist, giving up unimaginable power in order to protect everything he loves.

Mature love follows the principle: "I am loved because I love"

Immature love says: "I love you because I need you." Expressed e converso, in denial - by both of them

Mature love says: "I need you because I love you"

“Love is an activity, not a passive affect; it is a “standing in”, not a “falling for”.

“Love is possible only if two persons communicate with each other from the center of their existence, hence if each one of them experiences himself from the center of his existence. Only in this “central experience” is human reality, only here is aliveness, only here is the basis for love. Love, experienced thus, is a constant challenge; it is not a resting place, but a moving, growing, working together; even whether there is harmony or conflict, joy or sadness, is secondary to the fundamental fact that two people experience themselves from the essence of their existence, that they are one with each other by being one with themselves, rather than by fleeing from themselves. There is only one proof for the presence of love: the depth of the relationship, and the aliveness and strength in each person concerned; this is the fruit by which love is recognized.”

But they are not whole — not yet: neither is one with himself, they flee from themselves. Each admires the other’s best, loves his uniqueness, and silently wishes he could accept it too: yellow is pretty — Aziraphale longs for Crowley to show openly his demonic and beautiful eyes and spread their yellow everywhere, and with this, the beautiful soul he hides behind dark glasses; Crowley, in turn, treasures Aziraphale's gentle heart and softness — that set him apart from other angels — and wishes Aziraphale wouldn't feel guilty or less angelic because of these. This is what goodness truly is, not blind obedience to orders, even from God, but compassion.

Still, they are more complex than humans. Crowley can't fully accept himself because he didn't mean to fall, he never truly understood the reasons of his demonic condition and so he couldn't fully accept it — yet he can't return to being an angel either, because they are "just pretendy good", not "properly good". Now he's only himself, less brilliant than his angel, not fully demonic, but perhaps still too much a demon to believe he could ever be fully loved by an angel. As a demon, he also feels powerless to protect the angel he loves from both Heaven and Hell, which means he can’t fully live this love in the open. The same is true for Aziraphale, who thinks he's not enough for Crowley's love, and struggles to accept himself also because he's still tied to a toxic and abusive Heaven - that has traumatised him but, even more, has deeply hurt his demon. And he couldn't do anything to stop it. He represents Heaven, somehow, and fears Crowley can't love him fully for that (even though he's the one who Crowley still calls angel).

They don't accept themselves, so they can't love themselves - and as a result, both fear they are not enough for the other, that they are unworthy of being loved (beautifully explained in this post by @dalliancekay), and they suffer for fear of abandonment too. Aziraphale because everytime they argue Crowley walks away (then returns, but...), except in the Final15, and Crowley is shaped by his trauma: he has already been abandoned, betrayed and metaforically killed (his POV) by Someone who claimed to love him.

But no love for another can be complete without self-love. Without it, love becomes fearful and needy. A love like this may be unconditional, but it stops being free, turns a relationship into a lifeline, the first if not the sole reason to go on. And no one can love wholly or safely without first loving themselves.

Actually, neither of them wants to be what they were institutionally made to be; instead, they belong to their own side, defined by human morality and human love. And they can't accept being anything else. So, I hope they might become everything they long to be on Earth ("we've come to a decision"?), finally free from fear, guilt and pain, so that they can simply love openly, safely, in peace 💞

“To have faith requires courage, the ability to take a risk, the readiness even to accept pain and disappointment. (...) To be loved, and to love, need courage, the courage to judge certain values as of ultimate concern — and to take the jump and to stake everything on these values.”