as i’ve thought about it more and more, i’ve realized that maladaptive daydreaming isn’t what caused my identity issues/confusion, but it’s actually how i’ve been coping with those issues.
not only has my identity been distorted because of trauma and mental illness, but i also haven’t been able to (at least comfortably and safely) explore/express my identity in real life, so i resorted to doing so through fantasy. but of course, having to do that has led to other unique issues.
because i’ve explored my identity through my parame/paraself, so much of it is the relationships with my verits. that part of me is inseparable from the rest. but that’s not something i can really express in real life. so now it feels almost like... my identity is trapped inside of my daydreams.
when i’m immersed in a daydream, i feel whole in ways that i can’t in real life. in real life, the constant absence of my verits is so jarring and heavy. and it’s not like i can just talk about my verits with people. that would literally feel like cutting open my chest and letting someone punch through my ribcage.
it’s weird how i can only feel even a little bit connected to myself when i’m dissociated from the rest of the world.