You say that you love her

But your actions prove other wise

You say that you care for her

But she could always tell when you lied

She wasn’t blind to the other women or your alcohol abuse

She tried to love you through your demons but all you did was use

You say that you love her 

“It won’t happen again!”

But she could always tell when you lied

You’d drink your sorrows and put your hands on her again

You say that you love her, without her you’d die

“I promise I’ll be better!”

But your actions prove other wise

She would come running back

Falling right into your trap

Her impending doom

You sucked the life from her like a vacuum

You shattered her...

“Give me one more chance!”

You’d tell her you loved her and to take you back

But she could always tell when you lied

She grew the courage to leave

She broke the chains

She began to grow

She learned to love her self

And how to let you go

You still tell her you love her 

“I’m really working on myself”

But she could always tell when you lied

You say that you love her

But did you ever really ?

-J.C.O.

Why is it so hard to make positive changes in your life?

I wrote out a month ago how I wanted to make some positive changes to my daily routine, I have not achieved any of them except one. I was finally able to be productive on my days off. I'm cleaning more, taking care of myself, and my animals. Prioritizing the important things in life right now.

I still want to make more positive changes in my life though. In order to start my spiritual journey and self-discovery I need to get more proactive with it. Because right now I am letting my depression and lack of energy get the best of me.

I'm going to give myself a break this month because my fiance' and I just went through something kind of emotionally tiring. We had our first chemical pregnancy, this was his first lost with me and I feel awful about it. But it's not my first loss. I feel bad about it because he was so excited when we finally got a positive I did too, unfortunately it was short live. Now all we can do is pray and continue trying. My TTC journey is going to continue, but right now it'll be put off until we both heal and get in a better place.

Right now I just want to focus on bettering myself, my living environment and relieve some of the stress that we are both currently taking on. Once we get to a better place mentally and emotionally then we will continue and be better than ever.

Things will get better from here. I just need to focus on me and him. Stop stressing and worrying about things that are outside of my control. Maybe with the positivity I can get in a better mindset and start focusing on what I wanted to do in the first place.

Thank you for reading my story and I promise that I'm not trying be negative. Things just have not went well this past weekend. The stress is starting to get to me and I really need some relief from it and coming on here and being able to write it out helps me tremendously. So, thank you.

I’m sad that at this point i really do feel like I’m not good enough.

God has a plan, it’s just time for me to take another path & leave the nest. I know the world is cruel & it’s not easy & i understand that 100% .. but i just want to prove everything my mom said negative about me & prove her different. I deserve that.

I will now have 3 kids, my own apartment, my car, & finally figure out life.

I will go back to college, i will raise my credit score higher, i will be happy, i will be Me.

I want to cry & stop moving forward, & just cry in a corner to myself. I feel so alone, mentally. People can say they are going to be there for me.. but for how long? Until i disappoint someone else. I just want to learn, grow, be the bestest mommy, sis, daughter, friend, girlfriend, wife(one day). Be whole, successful. I want to keep moving forward, but it just feels like everything is so difficult because it’s my fault.

I just pray for guidance, strength, growth, happiness. I’m ready to take care of myself like i need to. I pray that one day my family can support me & my decisions. I pray that God helps me with being a mother, sis, brother allat

I pray for peace.