#vent thing

and obviously i get that i dont seem independent to them so they find it hard to trust me with this stuff. but i also cant show them im independent if i dont get that chance. and i cant bring it up to them because it just doesnt work. its never worked. i hate it. ive been trying to figure out exactly who i am. thats why i want to journal more and do more creative things, i want to figure who i am because ive been on autopilot almost my entire life and it just clicks every nkw and then that I'm eighteen and i dont want to waste my life like this. that isnt who i am. so im spending less time scrolling on Twitter and reading stupid shit. more time on pinterest just figuring out what i like in terms of style and aesthetic etc. reading books and listening to new music. thats what i wanna try. idk this was prob very incoherent i have an exam tmr

So, earlier today a random memory popped into my head, someone far older than I am who I used to rp weird fetish stuff with. I haven't talked to them in years (thank god), but I just remembered them for no reason. I mentioned this stuff in a vent before, but around the time I was roleplaying with them on deviantart (already a bad sign-) I was around 11-13, and these roleplays would contain vore...but also the more..to put it lightly, 'inappropriate' versions of it, as well as some other NSFW stuff. I don't think they knew my age, but still. Just randomly thinking about it today made me feel so anxious, disturbed and uneasy...there was another person I did these kinds of rps with in 2018, when I was only 11. It just sickens me how much I would engage in this kind of stuff at such a young age, and I knew it was weird at the time then too cause I would hide it from my parents...but it is interesting to see how vore has become an odd comfort for me now