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Fandom: The Freak Circus
Characters: Jester, GN!Reader
Summary: “Human emotions are too big for you.”
100 // AO3 // Masterlist
“Human emotions are too big for you.”
The figure behind you is tall. Featureless. Made of shifting shadows and blurred lines, though that may be an effect of tears in your eyes.
“This world is cold.”
No one else is in your room. This... thing exists solely in your reflection.
Bells jingle as it lowers its face beside yours. Long fingers crawl over your shoulders, crouching like spiders on your neck, claws tipping into your skin.
"I can save you,” it whispers. “All you have to do is look.”
lowkey starting to write pony angst rn. this might be a bit of a vent, but honestly reading/writing abt sh really helps me not cave in to the evil thoughts so yeah… ( ._. )""
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Summary: Oscar isn’t himself and he’s not talking. Lando takes matters into his own hands.
Rating: T
Word count: 2.7k
Warnings: This is a vent fic as my grandad is currently in hospital, so focuses on grief 🧡
Notes: Dedicated to my grandad who passed away 30/07/26 🕊️💔
Read on AO3 | or read below 👇🏼
~
Wind roared in his ears.
Gravel crunched beneath his feet.
Salty air whooshed through his mouth.
He welcomed the harsh sting of the spray against his exposed skin.
Thick grey cloud suffocated the coast, the dark waves battering the shoreline as his feet took him further away from the car. It should’ve been frightening, the forces of nature this early in the morning, daylight barely existing. He only found it comforting. Like the sea and sky were in turmoil right along with him.
He pushed and pushed, sprinting until his legs and chest burned. Almost slipping on the gravel, he stopped himself, hands on his hips as his breath heaved. Tears pricked at his eyes, and acid nausea swirled in his belly.
The crashing of the waves absorbed his guttural scream.
~
Lando woke up to an empty bed.
It wasn’t uncommon. While Osc was a night owl like him, he often found the early morning haze was the perfect time for his run. Lando thought he was a bit mad with that routine sometimes, but the best part of it was when he snuck back into bed. Sometimes without showering.
His stomach rumbled, so he stretched and lazily rolled out of bed, taking his phone with him to the bathroom. Sure enough, there was a message waiting from his boyfriend.
Morning beautiful, gone for a run up the coast. Back soon. Love you ❤️
[05:18]
Sent at five in the morning, much earlier than he usually left. He checked his phone. It was almost half past eight now.
“Osc?” he called out, assuming he was somewhere else in the apartment.
Getting no answer, he ventured out of the bedroom. There was no lingering smell of breakfast, and both bathrooms were bone dry. His running shoes were still missing, as was his water bottle.
Maybe he ended up going for a longer drive. It could be especially nice when there was no one else on the roads.
The overcast sky was clearing up as he opened the balcony doors, the boats in the tiny harbour clinking in the delicious breeze. It hadn’t rained, so at least he wouldn’t have to fuss over Oscar not taking a jacket with him.
He brought up his boyfriend’s contact to give him a ring when the apartment door opened.
“Oh, hey!” Lando greeted. “I was just gonna get started on some breakfast. Anything in particular you fancy?” He started looking through the cupboards and fridge for what they had to use.
Osc didn’t answer, simply trudging over to him and embracing him fiercely. Lando was knocked back a few steps, startled. His boyfriend was tense, cold, and trembling. Maybe he should’ve taken a jacket after all.
“Whoa, hey, everything okay?” he asked, rubbing his back. “You were gone for a lot longer than normal.” He felt Oscar finally melt against him.
“Lost track of time. Didn’t feel so good.”
“Why didn’t you call me?” Lando drew back, his hand going straight to Oscar’s forehead. He was pale and didn’t feel hot, but he looked exhausted and didn’t answer. “Go and lie down, yeah? I’ll bring you some soup. Actually, do you want a bath first? I don’t mind doing all the work.”
Oscar turned his head and kissed his hand. “No, just some sleep. Sorry.”
“It’s okay, I’m just glad you’re back safe.” Lando kissed his cheek. “At least change into something warmer, yeah?”
He watched as Osc nodded before he stepped out of his space, looking like his legs carried him automatically, more than him actually consciously walking. Lando frowned as he kept staring at the now-empty doorway. He wished Oscar had woken him up before he left.
There was a growing pit in his stomach as he moved around the kitchen gathering things he needed. They could both be stubborn mules when sick, but something about Osc not complaining made him think it wasn’t physical.
They had nowhere to be all day. Though even if they did, Lando would’ve cancelled it all.
~
He sat on the bed as Oscar spooned himself the chicken soup. He was playing with it more than eating it, but at least he was wearing one of Lando’s hoodies and jogging bottoms. Colour had returned to his face, and he was no longer shaking.
“M’sorry, I can’t eat anymore,” Osc said quietly. He put down the spoon and pushed the tray away.
“You sure?” Lando wanted to hug him. He looked so…distant.
“Yeah, sorry. It’s nice, just can’t stomach it.”
“Don’t worry, baby. Get comfy, and I’ll clear it up.”
He kissed his temple before standing up and grabbing the tray. He’d taken maybe three steps, when:
“Will you come back?”
He turned to see Osc settling under the sheets, sleepy eyes peering up at him. “Of course, honey. I’m not leaving you alone unless you ask me to.”
“Thank you,” he heard faintly as he left the room.
Covering the bowl with cling film and putting it in the fridge, he filled up an extra water bottle for Oscar before heading back to the bedroom.
He leaned against the doorway, taking him in. He’d chucked off the hoodie and bottoms, and curled up with his back to the door. The top of his head was just about visible, his honey brown hair standing out against the white sheets.
Oscar didn’t get like this too often. Mostly, it would be homesickness, a deep longing for his family, his childhood home, and the sights and smells of Melbourne. Leaving so early to try and clear his head would also support that.
He’d had a few days last year, during their championship fight, but those hadn’t been about missing home. He’d been angrier then, more visibly stressed. Sometimes, Lando was glad they weren’t going through that again twice in a row. He’d take an easier season for them both to chill, even if that did mean no more guaranteed wins. Though that was easy for him to say. Oscar probably wouldn’t think that.
When he slipped back under the covers as he’d promised, Osc immediately pillowed his head on his chest. His hair smelled like the sea, and his smooth skin was perfectly warm. Lando kissed his head and traced shapes over his bare back, fingers creeping up into his hair when he kept fidgeting.
He’d happily lie here all week if Oscar needed him to.
~
Time passed weirdly.
He didn’t sleep. Lando’s closeness and warmth helped him sink into the mattress, but the hours ticked on by as he lay there. Not fully present.
When he tried to move to the bathroom, his whole body felt like lead. Stomach in knots, so accepting food was impossible. His head ached dully, nothing water or his boyfriend’s gentle fingers could even touch.
He was grateful for Lando’s presence.
For the soft music playing from his phone.
His body might be in Monaco, but his mind was elsewhere.
On the other side of the globe.
~
Lando was starting to get worried.
Even on the days he encountered homesickness, Oscar would still talk to him. It would usually help to share stories from his childhood and chat about what his sisters were up to.
Last year, he’d tried to keep himself busy, the intense race calendar leaving little room to truly wallow and lose himself. Artturi would take him out for bike rides or training sessions, he’d play padel with Alex, or have lunch with Charles. Then come home to him.
He hadn’t moved from the bed unless to go to the bathroom, and he would cling to Lando every time he tried to leave to bring back food. He should tell someone that his boyfriend was having a bad spell, but at the same time, if it only lasted a day and he perked up tomorrow, Lando would feel awful for tattling. Oscar was capable of seeking out his own team for support, and he didn’t want to overstep.
When he woke up the following morning, and Oscar was still there, clinging to him, yet his eyes were far away, he knew he had to pass it on. To Artturi, at the very least, even if Oscar would be mad at him for it.
Reassuring he was gonna be back with breakfast, he untangled himself from his koala bear and stepped out into the kitchen. He opened Artturi’s contact, but instead, a different urge hit him, and he walked through to the lounge, curling up on one of the sofas. He pressed his phone to his ear, eyes fixed on the photos of Oscar’s family on the bookshelf.
“Hi, my darling! How are you and Oscar doing?”
“Hi, Mum,” he sighed, hating how his voice shook.
She picked up on it immediately. “Talk to me, lieverd. Is it a bad day?”
“Yeah. Osc isn’t leaving the bed. He disappeared for three hours early yesterday morning, and he’s barely said a word since. He’s not eating properly, and he just wants cuddles. I let him have yesterday, but if this keeps going–”
“–You two should come here for a bit. Let us look after him.”
Lando frowned. “I mean, we could. But no offence Mum, if he’s missing his home, I’m not sure how much it’ll help having a different family fuss over him.” He could see Oscar refusing the offer. Being around Lando’s parents and siblings might make his own homesickness worse. It would look like he was playing in his face. Totally unfair.
“Oscar is our family, too, darling. If he’s this upset, maybe some motherly coddling is necessary. I’m sure you can understand how terrible he’s feeling, losing Moeke two years ago. It’s got to be worse for him being so far away.”
His stomach dropped. “Wait, what’s wrong with Nicole?”
“No, no, Lan, Nicole’s father. Oscar’s Bompa.”
“I’m confused.” Lando sat up, eyes flickering to the hallway. “I thought he was just homesick–”
“–Oh darling, did he not tell you? Nicole called me the other day. He was taken to hospital, but it looks like he’s not going to be coming home.”
“Shit.” It explained Oscar’s quiet and clingy behaviour. His need to get out and get lost for a few hours. Grief was something that could be unpredictably overwhelming.
When Lando had lost his Bomma in 2024, it had been before the Belgian Grand Prix, making that race weekend one with a persistent ache in his chest that was still there to this day. He’d been run down and barely functioning, with a bang average performance to show for it.
His family, Oscar, his team, and his friends had all helped comfort him and make the days pass more easily. Then he’d gone back home after the funeral and cried for days.
It wasn’t fair that Oscar was separated from his biggest source of comfort.
“I’ve got flights to book,” he said. “Thanks for the offer to have us, Mum, but I think we need to go a bit further afield.”
~
Lando didn’t come back with breakfast.
He sat on top of the sheets instead of joining him underneath. Instead of cuddling him and providing the safety and comfort he craved. It made his stomach churn. Like he was in trouble. Like his boyfriend was about to tell him to get over himself.
He hadn’t been able to tell him–
Oscar didn’t wanna face it. But he hadn’t been able to pretend everything was fine either. His body betrayed him, lying weighed down into the mattress, stiff and heavy. Crying might have sent Lando the message, but his eyes remained desert dry.
He wasn’t floating but he wasn’t tethered either.
He wanted to burrow himself deeper into the bed.
Lando stroked his hair. Kissed his head. Whispered to him.
“Just wanna let you know that I’ve booked us flights. We’ll need to pack at some point today. I can do it if you don’t wanna, but I think you might wanna be up and about.”
There it was. Lando thought he was useless.
“I don’t wanna go to England, Lando,” he snapped. His stomach screamed at him. He didn’t mean to be nasty.
“We’re going to Melbourne. I’m so sorry about your grandad, baby.”
Breath stuttered in his chest.
He was going home.
His eyes found the monsoon rain.
~
Lando watched as Oscar hugged his sisters goodnight.
He’d spent most of his time so far helping Nicole and Tim while his boyfriend glued himself to his sisters and Basil, the family cocker spaniel. It was what he was here for, as well as not wanting Oscar to fly all this way on his own.
Basil was settled in his lap, clearly wanting to spend the nights on Oscar’s bed while he was here. There was a heaviness all around the house, the anxiety of waiting for the inevitable.
Osc hadn’t slept since they’d arrived, insisting they head straight to the hospital. Lando wasn’t going to tell him no, so he had their driver take them there, then their luggage to the Piastri house. Nicole, Tim, and Hattie had all offered to pick them up, but Oscar had told them no, knowing they’d take him home and force him to try and rest first.
Lando knew he wouldn’t until he’d seen his grandad for himself.
“Goodnight, Lando!” Mae called over to him.
He waved at her with a tired smile. “Goodnight, everyone.”
Each of Oscar’s family members had taken him aside at one point to hug and thank him for bringing their brother or son home, and for being here. Lando had hugged them back and promised that he would help with anything they needed.
Oscar shut the door and flopped down onto the bed beside him. Basil whined, moving to lick his face.
“Bet you’re so confused having me back so early,” he giggled. “Just a warning though, Baz, Lan tends to kick in his sleep.”
“I do not!”
He watched as Osc played with Basil, while he messaged his parents to update them. There was around a ten-hour time difference, so it was still the middle of the day back home. He had slept on the flights over, but his back was ready for proper sleep in a comfortable bed again.
“Baz, stay,” Osc commanded as he stood up. “Time to get ready for bed.”
Lando stripped off his hoodie. It was autumn here, the trees outside gorgeous shades of amber and gold. While it was warmer than back in the UK, hoodies still felt the most comfortable. Certainly the most comforting. He and Oscar had swapped without even meaning to. Well, maybe his boyfriend had meant to.
He kept his eyes on Oscar as they both stripped down. His movement was slower, and he was fighting back constant yawns. They’d be up first thing in the morning to go back to the hospital, so the earlier they tried to settle down, the better. He hoped Oscar would sleep anyway.
“Where do you want me?” he asked.
Osc frowned at him. “Well, in the bed, obviously.”
He rolled his eyes. “I meant which position, you muppet. On my back, on my side, behind you, in front of you, I dunno.” He shrugged. It was Oscar’s childhood bed. He felt like he was overstepping, just diving in and arranging himself as he did at home.
“Just how we normally do, I wanna cuddle.”
“Okay,” he nodded.
Basil moved out of the way as he slid in, Osc joining him not long after, directing his dog where to settle by their feet. His boyfriend got himself comfy where he wanted, his head over Lando’s heart. His fingers carded through his hair, the other gently stroking his back.
“Thank you for this,” Oscar whispered. “For bringing me, for being here. It means everything.”
Lando kissed his head. “I told you I wasn’t leaving you alone unless you asked me to.”
“Does it ever get better? The pain?” His heart broke at the words, Oscar’s voice cracking.
“In time. The pain means he’s loved, and that’s a good thing. He’ll always be with you in tiny ways. Something reminds you, and you’ll think of him.” Lando thought about his grandma, how random things brought her to mind. Her favourite ice cream sundae, the smell of the woods, and market stalls with designs that echoed her wallpaper.
Oscar shook beneath him, and he felt wet drops hit his bare skin, and Basil whined softly.
“It’s okay, honey. Let it all out.”
He held Oscar through the sobs.
Through the devastation.
Then through the aftermath, when Osc screamed at the waves.
