#v angsty

So, you stood outside, draped in a white dress which was supposed to be worn on the day you married the love of your life.

It’s not that you didn’t love Evan. You did, with all your heart, but you still missed /him/.

You looked up at the sky, already feeling tears brimming behind your eyes.

“I..I’m okay, Con. I’m trying. I’m really trying to be happy. I know that’s what you would’ve wanted.” You mumbled shakily. “S-So much has happened since you left. I.. I don’t know where to start. I wish you were here.. I miss you so fucking much.” You stared down at the ground. He used to hold you so tightly. He wasn’t the best at dealing with emotions, but he tried for you. He couldn’t say much to help, but he would pepper little kisses on your cheeks and your neck. You would always giggle through your tears. Sometimes he would start singing to you. At one point he even memorized your favorite song just so he could sing it. His voice was so calming.

“I hope you’re okay, too. I-I think you are.” You gulped, trying to hold yourself together.

You swear you could see him sometimes. Swear you could feel him wipe your tears when you woke up in the middle of the night, sobbing.

You never did that when Connor was with you. You were never scared when he was there. After he left, you were scared again. Scared of the dark. Scared of everyone and everything. Evan had to learn to deal with that soon after you two had started dating. He knew he could never replace Connor, but he was trying. Maybe that’s why you loved him.

 But other times, when you were happy, you could hear Connor laughing when you made a stupid joke. He always loved your stupid puns.

One time you had dragged him to the grocery store with you, and were scream-singing Rent while walking through the aisles. He told you he was ‘losing patience’ and you looked at him and deadpanned back ‘well maybe it’s because you’re a bad doctor’. It was one of your worst puns, but he completely lost it. He had tried his hardest to hold back a laugh, but ended up failing. He would fondly recall that event when you were both drunk later.

“O-Oh! You know, when I was cleaning out my closet I found that grey hoodie you used to wear. It was underneath a ton of stuff. I have no clue how it got there, but I-I wear it sometimes now. It still smells like you.” You said hoarsely.

You two had spent an entire day trying to find that god damn hoodie, to no avail. You practically tore up your house, as well as his, in the process. It was fun, though. You two would get into playful arguments about which one of you lost the hoodie. Looking back, it was probably you. You would steal it sometimes because it was cuddly and warm, and you had probably thrown it into your closet on accident one day. By the end of the night you were both so exhausted you passed out cuddled up in your living room. It was the best you had slept in months[AS1] .

“W-When I saw it, it made me think of that Radio Head song you loved. I know I always hated that song, but I’ve grown to like it. You’re right. It’s catchy.” You didn’t know if you could keep going. The tears streaming down your face blurred your vision. Thank god you hadn’t put any makeup on yet.

“Evan.. Evan is great. He.. um.. sometimes he’ll remind me of you a little bit. Like.. when he laughs sometimes it reminds me of when you were happy. I-I know you’d probably make a joke about how creepy that sounds, but hey, oh well.”

You took a second to breath before continuing.

“I love him, Con. He’s so sweet. He’ll never be you, but he’s helped me a lot.”

Your fingers toyed with the lace of your dress anxiously.

“I wish I could’ve helped you.” You knew you would never be able to stop the guilt that haunted you. You should’ve tried harder. Should’ve done something.

It was hard. In the days leading up to it, you two had been on edge. He was acting so defensive, so strange. You should have known something was wrong, but you were too angry that he wouldn’t talk to you.

“Was there anything I could have done?”

The morning before you lost him, he had stormed out on you while you were yelling about the fact that he couldn’t just be a dick and not tell you what was wrong. You wanted to run after him, but your pride got the best of you. You sobbed that whole afternoon.

When you got the call from his parents..

 Connor was your everything. You couldn’t deal. You.. you had tried to.. You had gotten so close to ending it yourself. You couldn’t imagine a world without him. But something stopped you. Maybe it was anger at the time. Anger that he didn’t just talk to you. Anger that he left you here alone. Anger that he had ruined your future. Anger about how selfish he was.

“I’m not angry anymore.”

You weren’t. You understood now.. or at least you tried to. You had spent years searching for a reason, searching for the exact moment it all went wrong. Truth was, you were clueless. “You’re free now—you’d probably say that’s cheesy..” You chuckled sadly. “But it’s true. I-I forgive you, Connor.” You had never said it out loud.. hell, you weren’t sure you had really forgiven him until this moment.. but you had now.

‘Take pride in what is sure to die’

He had said that to you once. It was a quote from a song you had both loved. It applied now more than ever.

For a long time you had wanted to erase him. You wanted to destroy all your memories with him, but you couldn’t. He would want you to remember him. He wouldn’t have wanted to disappear into thin air.

“I know we weren’t in a good place before you left. And I’ll never live down the fact that you died with my last words to you being so.. angry. I’ll never be able to change that. But I need you to know I love you. I love you more than anything, and I never stopped and I never will. You were my soulmate, Connor Murphy. And I love you so fucking much, and I miss you every single day.”

You knew if he were here now he’d be trying to hide his smile. He’d raise his eyebrows at you and quip back ‘I love you more, y/n’.

You almost never beat him at that game. He loved to have the last word. He would keep going until you had to give up. Not this time.