#usermish

you don’t want one to die but the other you shove into a cellar and starve and bury six feet under. one will get a proper funeral, the other will rot while screaming his throat raw, praying for the love of a mother that was never really his. i dig the knife into my wrist and draw a cross as i think of the bible verse you quoted at me yesterday as i cried and begged for you to see me. you say you love me, but the conditions in fine print spell out that you would rather i die a liar than live my truth. my breathing is shallow as you lower me into the grave.

here lies a young boy. a man. 

but not a son. not a brother. 

he is nothing. 

i can't sleep at night because my breathing doesn’t feel right and the prayer i said five times in row doesn’t feel right so i have to get up open the door turn the lights on retrace my steps until my feet start aching from how bad i need it all to make sense to fall into place to not hurt the people i care about because guilt makes your heart sink like stone and i still haven't learned how to swim

fox reads me poetry until fox is all i think about until the world isn't so scary and the static in my brain is quiet i tell fox good night i say i love you but it's rarely there so i say it again over and over because repetition speaks things into existence until it piles up on top of each other until i can gather it all in my hand and squish it together like putty and use it to close up everywhere the hurt is leaking through

exposure therapy sucks. it's not that i can't touch door knobs or cross the threshold or have to wash my hands so many times or that i have to click the lock and turn the bathroom lights on and the bedroom lights off and the doorway lights on and the people around me have to say good night with an inflection that tells me i won't die tomorrow because i don't know what my brain wants more often than not

words have so much weight and i haven't told anyone i love them and meant it because i’m scared if i do i will doom them to my fate of picking at nails and skin so i use loopholes like my life depends on them. i say it with breaks in between. the pauses are periods so it's a string of words not a curse set into motion it'd be nice to breathe without having to think about what i can or cannot say

how's one to know? i'd meet you where the spirit meets the bones in a faith-forgotten land in from the snow your touch brought forth an incandescent glow tarnished, but so grand

and the old widow goes to the stone every day but I don't, I just sit here and wait grieving for the living

oh, goddamn my pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand taking mine, but it's been promised to another oh, I can't stop you putting roots in my dreamland my house of stone, your ivy grows and now I'm covered in you

i was tagged by @palmetto-state-foxies a while ago (thanks Ink x) it’s been a while since i’ve done one of these

Zodiac: gemini but i couldn’t know less about astrology, i just know everyone hates gemini lol

Last thing I googled: serf vs servant (lol i was watching netflix and learned a new word, who knew)

Song stuck in my head: keep on loving you by cigarettes after sex

Followers: 236 and so many of my mutuals deactivated :(( so hmu if you post aftg/trc/soc/aesthetic/etc.

Hours of Sleep: … so few :((

Favourite Song: don’t really have one as it changes a lot, i’ve been vibing with taylor swift’s new album though.. and i’d never actively listened to her before, so that really tells u evermore simply slaps

Favourite Instrument: i guess the piano? i mean it’s my best instrument so let’s go with that

Aesthetic: man idek, i tried asking my best friend but she said i’m unplaceable on the aesthetic spectrum lol

Favourite Author: don’t have one, and he didn’t write any of my top fave books (thus far) but i’ll say neil gaiman’s a pretty neat human

Favourite animal noises: cat mrrrps (or different owl noises maybe)

Random: ya girl is Very Stressed™ atm bc finals are rapidly approaching and i don’t know shit, so