#unstructured

After a month of this internship shit, I feel horrible and that I could be more fulfilled elsewhere. I dont relate to anyone and it feels like i am an alien, like at school. I need weird people, I need to go pursue some career where I am a weird person doing weird shit. I want a male partner who is weird and I cant be surrounded by soulless people to find that guy. I cant be fucking professional. Its not me. Right now I feel trapped as I was really thinking my future was certain, but now i dont fucking know what to do with my life. I mean i already knew that things wouldnt go perfectly, but i feel as though literally everything in front of me is changing.

And Im so fucking scared.

Im scared to tell my parents that this shit is not for me. Im scared of how ill be perceived by others if I dont follow through with the thing I really thought I liked. How I will probably want to do something that will make me less money and probably make me more emotionally, creatively, and romantically fulfilled rather than turn into an average, soulless person who makes more money. It is good that i am doing this internship after my sophomore year of high school because I would have felt so trapped if I had a job like this right after college. I only have a month of this internship left, so ill just get through it and see if I change my mind about this whole thing or something, because I feel like it does all the time.

And thats another thing, I dont know if this feeling is temporary or if this will stay with me after I complete my internship and such. I dont fucking know. This is one of the most real things I have ever felt and one of the most significant blog posts I have made till this point. Like I really do not want to go to work on Tuesday (I thankfully had Friday and Monday off for the 4th of July). And I am going to be completely honest, I feel like even though it has only been 3 and a half months, making this YouTube channel and Tumblr blog has really changed how I think of the world and how I perceive myself. I dont feel as though I have no personality anymore. I mean the feeling is still present, especially irl, but I feel like i have finally started to become who I want to be. Like more firm on how I want to fulfill myself romantically and personality-wise. Before then I was very lost and felt way more emotionally numb. I am starting to realize that whenever I started to leave behind the fact that I was a furry and tried to supress my lgbtqia thoughts back when I was in 6th grade, I had developed more mental disorders, and had turned emotionally numb. Now that I am openly a furry and queer online, I have finally started feeling more emotional again and am finally continuing to develop my personality and interests. Now that doesnt mean I am perfectly myself now, as i keep so many of my thoughts, opinions, and interests hidden from all of my friends irl, but knowing how supportive you all are to me has lead me to further consider releasing these thoughts and creating more fulfilling relationships irl. I have said fulfilling a lot. Sorry I guess? I would say this whole post has deviated a lot, but it does relate to how my feelings about my future have changed.

I’m not certain this is working or not, although I currently get the feeling that it is not. It’s not the issue of meeting virtually, so much as I believe my therapist is not trained for this in particular, and is rather unstructured. I myself am a very organized person, and need structure and organization.

I have places and people to vent my frustrations and fears to. 

I have acknowledged many of my flaws, the way the past has impacted me, and the likely origin point of this problem (COVID-19 as well as current chronic health issues). What I do not know, or what I do not have, as I have told her, are the tools to deal with this.

So far, our engagement has been more or less me telling her about my life, the situation that brought me to speak with her, and her talking about beliefs, and how some are good to let go, or adapt. Although it was said jokingly, the suggestion that I just “believe” I will persist after life remains and rankles me. 

That is not what I am attempting to do.

Perhaps a different therapist would assist better. I am likely going to continue with this one a few more sessions and see where it goes, but at present, I cannot say that therapy has been useful for myself, personally.