I think, to start, you can only call him an underminer if you are going to admit to having a goal. Otherwise, what is it he could possibly be undermining.
Well, he questioned everything I said and interjected an opposing opinion at every given chance.
I did not ask about what he did. I asked you what your goals were. But we can work from there. Was your goal to have no one ask questions?
No. I presented it because I wanted to explore, discuss, get feedback.
Well, if that is the case, it seems like he facilitated, rather than undermined, your goals. It sounds to me like he gave you exactly what you asked for.
Well then why am I feeling so undermined?
Well, I’m not sure. Might you have had more goals? Goals other than getting feedback?
Maybe if we start with your vision. In the best possible world, what did you expect to feel after you shared your ideas? What were you hoping for - best case scenario?
Hmn. Okay. Well, after I shared my idea, I was hoping...
I was hoping that it would be a new idea to everyone, one they hadn’t thought of before... I was hoping they would be surprised, in that sense, and I expected a few questions but...
Well, I was expecting questions that would be... (squirming) easy to answer. Questions that would demonstrate how well-thought-out and clear my conception was. Questions that would... well, you know...
Demonstrate the depth of your ideas?
Yes. Exactly. Not questions that would make my ideas seem weak or flimsy or incomplete.
Okay. So then, maybe feedback wasn’t really your goal? Honestly?
It sounds to me like maybe you wanted validation.
Maybe. Maybe I did. Is that so bad? I mean, really what is wrong with wanting validation.
Yeah. I like feeling validated, getting recognition and... held in regard because my ideas are correct.
Yes. It feels good to be right.
And he undermined that feeling. I am postulating that he did it intentionally.
Ah. Well, regardless of his intentions, what we have here, now, is a different goal. Not feedback and questions, but validation that you are right. That you are correct. That your ideas are...? Best?
I’m not saying anything. Except...
I’m not sure this is about him. I mean. Well, everyone is probably going to seem like an underminer to you.
I am just saying that as long as you go around asking for feedback, when what you really want is confirmation that you are right, smartest, correct? You are not likely to be happy or satisfied with what you get. You are more likely, instead, to find your world is filled with underminers.
