#unassertive

I am Mary Anne Spier holy shit

I hate it when other people do stuff for me I am perfectly capable of doing myself on my own. Fine, sure, I am unkempt and I have a tendency of keeping things untidy but that doesn't mean you have to do my own chores. I'll do them myself if you only know how to ask me to do so. If you ask something of me I'm more than happy to do it, or even if I don't feel like doing so I won't complain nor fret. But I dislike it when people do my share of the housework. Not because I thoroughly enjoy having stuff done my way or anything, but because afterwards, when I see it has been done, I usually end up feeling guilty somehow. And guilt eats away of me and I feel awful. I hate when that happens. I don't like it, so please, do not do my own chores. Tell me off or remind me I have my own stuff to do, I'll get to it. I'm not an organized kind of person, so at times I need a reminder of my obligations. But that doesn't mean I want other people doing what I am supposed to do. I can make a bed, I am perfectly capable of doing the laundry, don't do so for me, like I've said, I'll get to it. Believe me when I say it's worse on me thereafter. What I don't need is a reminder that I can't do things on my own. And people wonder why I am often so insecure and need reassurance for everything? Sometimes it's other people that won't give me a chance to try and be a leader. The person in charge. Now that I think of it, except in one-on-one situations, I've hardly ever been the leader in a specific situation. Not that I am comfortable with that role, because I'm not. I often worry whether I'm going to screw it all up. But, I'm starting to realize that perhaps it would be good for me and for my ego. I don't want to become arrogant or whatsoever, but I would like to become a little more self-assertive. I am not assertive in the least. Sometimes I even have trouble speaking up my mind and saying what I think it's best. I have no problem at all doing so with people I am close with, in fact I can be quite opinionated I daresay. But unfortunately, the typical me is most of the time too shy and timid for that. Maybe that's why people step on my own wishes and apprehensions so easily. It's not like I'm mentally more challenged than the average folk, I know I'm not. I have my very own set of values and beliefs, but, I just have trouble making other people acknowledge them as legit, if you know what I mean. Sure, less than before, but still... I guess I do need to become a little stronger. I am week and not very resilient. That will have to change eventually. Because I've come to realize that life is not at all easy. It's rather complicated. Not due to life's nature, which, I believe, is quite simple at its core, but because people, well, the majority of population, complicates life. Life is not complicated. But because other people tend to complicate everything, hence life is difficult. And, unfortunately, some people just don't have a choice but to fight every single day. I guess I am one of that blessed lot that doesn't have to do so. My life is relatively easy compared to their's. But still, I keep wishing for more. I am content with the way things are, but that doesn't mean that I am happy. I could be a lot more happy. And I also don't want my happiness being snatched away from me. Such misfortunes can take place. I just keep hoping they won't occur.