#self-consious

On Friday, I was at the store with my mom and sister-in-law. We were having a good day, and I was happy. It’s not rare for me to be happy, but it is rare for me to be relaxed. And I was calm on Friday. I wasn’t thinking about the future much. I wasn’t obsessing about anything. I was simply enjoying the day. Then, I got a call from my advisor. Somehow, I managed to forget this week was the start…

I will start sharing that one Doctor Who fanfiction I have going on with Tumblr. 

It’s an initially-self-insert story with a dumb premise* that was developing in my head as a frivolous daydream until life got stressful enough for me to spend years organizing it to the point where I couldn’t not write it. (My insecurities wouldn’t let me truly begin sharing it online until some randos encouraged it via a short teaser, though.)

I don’t tend to actually post proper dialogue/character/prose driven writing online, and I’ve put an unreasonable actually-reasonable-but-unusual-because-it’s-fanfiction amount of critical thought and planning into it, so it’d be nice to get some extra attention feedback for the style/prose/dialogue/etc., which I could probably get through Tumblr if I wasn’t so endlessly insecure.

*it’s not actually dumb; I’m just self-conscious about writing in this genre because it’s widely ridiculed

Now, if you will, reread this post and imagine me getting more and more flustered and embarrassed, stuttering and smiling awkwardly as my ears turn red. Goddamn it, I’m thinking, This is so dumb. No one wants to read my nonsense.

And then I return to my brain hole, slumped over a type-writer in the dark cave of my mind. I giggle fervently at new developments that develop via previous developments, and I add them to the outline for safe-keeping. They probably won’t be fully realized for hundreds of thousands of words. Oh! But I should start foreshadowing now!

What... dumb nonsense.

In the distance, the deep voice of Society bellows,  G E T  A  J O B,  and I groan as Anxiety, Depression, and Righteous Fury start arguing again.

On Friday, I was at the store with my mom and sister-in-law. We were having a good day, and I was happy. It’s not rare for me to be happy, but it is rare for me to be relaxed. And I was calm on Friday. I wasn’t thinking about the future much. I wasn’t obsessing about anything. I was simply enjoying the day. Then, I got a call from my advisor. Somehow, I managed to forget this week was the start…

you worry if your friends really like you at all or they’re just gossiping about you behind your back

you apologize for doing something that’s so you 

you feel like you’re not worth the company

you always worry if you said/texted something wrong over the phone and checked your phone every fucking second to check if he/she hasn’t replied yet

you always misinterpret things | misread every fucking situation, text, word, gesture etc etc

you always compare yourself to everyone

EVERYONE seems to be better than you

you undermine your capabilities

you outwardly cringe every time you remember doing something embarassing