#tyrus fic

“I don't want to leave, Cy.” The truth is, it's a complicated situation. It's one of the last weekends they have off before going back to school, they had planned to go to the movies, eat at The Spoon, spend the afternoon making out and pretending to watch another movie... the ideal day for TJ.

But out of the blue, his grandmother decided to celebrate her birthday a month before her actual birthday. He thought it was kind of funny at first, but now he finds it annoying, he wants to spend as much time with Cyrus as possible, before school and other projects force them to see each other for an hour or two a day.

“I know.” That's his boyfriend's response, neither wants to admit how much the whole thing hurts. “It will be the first time we'll spend so many days away from each other.”

“I'll spend four days without you.” If TJ is honest, it didn't seem like such a big deal at first, but now that he has his suitcase packed and knows he has to go and not see his boyfriend for four days, plus put up with his relatives, he finds it boring and unbearable.

“We're kind of ridiculous, aren't we?” Cyrus has a big smile on his face as he says those words and TJ can do nothing but laugh and kiss him again.

For a few moments nothing is important, not the trip, not his family, not the time they'll spend apart, how cheesy they are, how sad it makes them. The only thing that matters to him is to feel and enjoy the touch of Cyrus' lips on his. Feeling his hands run over his body and him doing the same on his. All that matters is enjoying this moment to the fullest.

“Are you sure your grandmother can't celebrate her 75th birthday until next year?” That's the first thing his boyfriend says to him when they stop kissing and it only reminds him that he's the funniest guy in the world. Or maybe he's just in love but it's been over two years since they've been dating, so he thinks he's truly funny.

“I blame my Uncle Jack.” It's the only reason his grandmother has decided to bring her birthday forward, his Uncle Jack has lived in Spain for as long as he can remember and, truth be told, he's never spoken to him for more than an hour in his 16 years of life. So he's a little upset, but, his grandmother wants to have his whole family together and his father is excited to see his brother, so there's not much he can do. “I don't know him, but right now I hate him a little bit.”

“Don't hate him.” This is a good reminder that his boyfriend is the sweetest, most empathetic person he knows. “It will probably be a good opportunity to get to know him.”

“Or to get bored while everyone laughs and I text you telling you that I wish I was with you.” It's not the first time TJ has had to go out of town to a family reunion, but it is the first time he'll last more than two days with his dad's family so he pretty much knows what will happen.

“Honestly? That helps my self-esteem.” They both laugh and Cyrus surprises him by kissing him again and everything stops being important again, the only thing he wants to focus on is his boyfriend.

“You know?” TJ asks when his boyfriend ends the kiss. “I'm surprised that after two years your kisses still feel like the first one.”

“Like the very first one?” Cyrus arches his eyebrows and a wicked smile plays on his lips, he knows he shouldn't have said that. “You mean when you almost threw up from excitement and nervousness and we had to try again five days later?” He laughs too, it's one of those things he never thought would happen and it's also a situation he never thought could make him laugh, but with Cyrus anything is possible.

“You're never going to let me forget it, are you?”

“Nope.” He affirms, still with a smile on his lips. “I'll make sure Buffy mentions it when she makes her toast at our wedding.”

“Our wedding?” Now it's his turn to grin mischievously. “I didn't think that...” Before he can finish, his boyfriend kisses him again. It's unfair, he also wanted to tease him a little bit, but to tell the truth, he's not complaining. He wants to kiss Cyrus as much as possible, it's going to be a long four days.

For a while they remain silent, they look at each other without saying anything and TJ looks again at the clock on the wall of the living room of his boyfriend's house, it's almost ten o'clock at night, he should have been home an hour ago.

“Muffin...” He pauses, he doesn't want to say goodbye, he never wants to leave, but it's time. He knows it and he hates it. “I really have to go now.”

“Just...” Cyrus makes a funny gesture, as if he can't bring himself to say the words. “Give me five more minutes.” He decides not to say anything, he prefers to kiss his boyfriend on the cheek and hug him tight, his head rests on TJ's chest, he really doesn't want to leave.

They spend 15 minutes cuddling, he doesn't care much, he wants to stay with Cyrus as long as possible.

“Cyrus...” His voice is barely a whisper, he tries to sound calm and sweet.

“I know, I know.” Cyrus breaks the embrace sadly. “You have to go.”

“Yeah, but that's not what I want to tell you.” He decides to put his hands on his boyfriend's cheeks, they both stare into each other's eyes. “I just want to remind you that I love you.” Two months ago, it was the first time TJ confessed to him that his feelings had reached a new level.

“I love you too.” He decides to give him a small kiss on the lips, if someone had told him three years ago that he would be kissing the cute boy he met one day on the swings in the park, he would never have believed it. And not only that, the cute boy on the swings loves him back. Life is full of good surprises.

Cyrus stands up, gives him a smile and offers him his hand to help him up, he accepts it without second thoughts.

They walk slowly to the door, his boyfriend steps forward and takes his leather jacket that he left on the wooden coat rack between the window and the door, gives it to him and he puts it on in an automatic movement, then takes out of the jacket pocket the military green beanie that Cyrus knitted for him when they celebrated six months of being boyfriends and puts it on.

“You look so handsome with the beanie.” Cyrus looks like he can't wait to kiss him again and they might, they're used to this ritual, spending too much time trying to say goodbye, taking advantage of every second to allow themselves to linger a few more minutes.

“So without a beanie you think I look gross?” He jokes, to avoid another such long kissing session, he really has to go, he has to finish arranging his backpack, check his suitcase, chat with his parents and hope they're not furious. Cyrus laughs, loudly, he'll miss hearing his laugh, the way he wrinkles his nose when he tries to be cute, feeling the warmth of his body against his own, his lips touching his and sometimes, running down over his body.

“You got me.” Cyrus replies, putting his hands on TJ's shoulders. “I only accepted to be your boyfriend after I imagined you wearing a beanie.” He laughs, but falls to temptation and kisses him again, it seems to take Cyrus by surprise, but soon they are in the same rhythm as always.

They finish kissing and stay like that for a while, their foreheads touching, Cyrus has his hands on his neck and TJ's hands are on his boyfriend's waist.

He knows there's no way that in four days he'll forget the way Cyrus smells, the way he touches him, the way he cares for him and loves him. Nor the things he likes, the quirks that drive him a little crazy, there's no way he'll forget that in four days.

But he knows he will miss him, he will miss him in a way he has never missed before.

He breaks away again, it's time to go, he can't put it off any longer.

“Muffin, take off that sad face.” He says sweetly, with his index finger on his boyfriend's chin, forcing him to look him straight in the eyes. “We'll send each other lots of pics and we'll talk all day long. I promise.” He kisses him on the cheek. “You won't even notice I'm gone.” He knows it's a lie.

“Neither I or my lips agree with that.” He cannot help but laugh and gives him a small kiss on the lips, so fleeting that it could only have lasted two seconds. It's probably the last one they'll have for the next four days. “Try to have fun at your family reunion, okay?” He can't help but groan, he'd almost forgotten how boring and tiring these days would be, he loves the effect Cyrus has on him.

“I don't promise much.” By the face Cyrus makes, his boyfriend also knows he's not kidding. “I'm going to miss you so much. I love you Cyrus, don't forget that.”

“I love you too TJ.” This time, they don't kiss, they let go completely, Cyrus opens the door and watches him walk through it. “Don't forget that either.”

“I couldn't, not even if I wanted to.” He doesn't say a joke even though he's dying to. “See you Tuesday.”

“See you Tuesday, I love you.”

“I love you too.” He starts walking home with the cold January wind hitting his face, the feeling of regret creeping in without warning, he wishes he could tell his parents that he doesn't want to go, that he wants to stay with Cyrus for as long as possible. He knows he still can't, besides, he wants to see his grandmother.

He sighs, but before sadness and homesickness can take over, his phone buzzes three times, it's texts from Cyrus.

I love you TJ.

I miss you already.

Don't forget to bring me a gift when you get back.

He spent a lot of time drawing, working on projects he wasn’t brave enough to show anyone else— not even Amber. Art was just one of those things that’s too telling. It makes him feel vulnerable and TJ doesn’t like that feeling.

What he spends the most time doing though, is thinking.

Everyone thinks a lot, but there was one thing that TJ couldn’t seem to get out of his mind and it drove him crazy. He couldn’t sleep. He and his ceiling often found themselves in a perpetual staring contest. He’d pick up his phone and stare at it until his eyes went dry, words filling his head and making their way out through his fingers before they’re quickly deleted again.

Cyrus Goodman refused to leave his mind.

Images danced around his head of the way Cyrus’ eyes crinkled when he smiled, how he’d trip over his own feet so much that’s not even phased by it anymore. The way he looked at TJ.

He looked at TJ like he cared about him— believed in him. Like he wanted him around. It was never indifference, he never forced it, it was 100% genuine. And TJ couldn’t get it out of his head. Everything flashed before his eyes in vivid detail and it drove him crazy. It was like a drug that he couldn’t get out of his system, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to.

When he got tired of typing out messages he’d never send he’d sit himself next to the window and stare at the moon. He’d think about Cyrus. Was he staring at the moon too? Did he think about TJ just as much as TJ thought of him? Did he… Did he feel what TJ was feeling? Did he ever want to yell to the sky about the words that went unsaid while everyone was asleep and the confessions could be passed off as a hazy dream.

He’d often find himself staring at the moon and begging for answers he knew would never come.

TJ never dared to actually say too much out loud, in fear of waking somebody up or somebody awake hearing him. He would just let his mind wander. He would recount the time he had with Cyrus, or the lack of it. He’d think about his time with Kira, and if he was actually making the impact he was hoping for. He knew Kira wasn’t a bad person, but she was making it hard for TJ to prove it. He didn’t like the way she treated Cyrus, but he wanted to help her the way Cyrus had helped him. But part of him knew he couldn’t. It wasn’t the same. It was missing that connection, that feeling he got in his chest when he was around Cyrus was unmatched with anything he’d ever felt in his life; he especially didn’t get that with Kira. It was more like his stomach dropped when a notification with her name appeared, and it wasn’t her fault, he just knew this wasn’t what she wanted it to be. Or what he wanted it to be.

But with Cyrus, he was able to be himself. He could laugh and joke around and tease and be vulnerable. Cyrus was easy to be vulnerable around. TJ was okay being vulnerable around Cyrus. He had never had people like that, he couldn’t talk to anybody the way he talked to Cyrus. He and Amber got along well, and he knew if he ever needed her she’d be there, but the comfort he felt around Cyrus was unmatched. It was like he always knew what TJ needed to hear. Nobody had ever understood him like that.

TJ jumped between his bed, the window, and his desk as the minutes passed and he was fully aware of the bags beneath his eyes weighing down his eyelids. Finally he turned off his lamp and let his thoughts disperse. The only thing left as he fell into sleep was Cyrus, Cyrus, Cyrus.

***

Cyrus enjoyed waking up early. Maybe “enjoyed” was a strong word, but he didn’t mind it all that much. He found himself often waking up much earlier than was needed for school, but found it nice. He watched the world wake up before him, the birds would sing their morning songs and fight over their breakfasts, the crickets would chirp their melodies and wind would blow through the neighbors wind chimes. The sun makes its way into the sky and creates new color palettes for the day. Cyrus loved watching it happen.

It was rather calm. No bustling cars yet, no dog leashes rattling, no children playing, no conversations making their way up the stairs from the kitchen. Everyone is still asleep, except for Cyrus.

He likes to use this time to journal. He knows he’d probably get teased by his friends for keeping a journal but he didn’t care. He knew it was silly, any teasing wouldn’t bother him much anyways. Plus, he loved journaling. He loved writing down his thoughts and feelings, describing his good (and bad) days in vivid detail and adding pictures and decorating the pages with colorful pens. It was fun. He especially loved it as the golden beams of sunlight flow onto his window sill and illuminate the pages.

Recently his brain has taken up thinking about TJ Kippen, much to Cyrus’ displeasure. Not because he didn’t like TJ, the opposite actually. He really liked TJ. And for a while he had let himself actually think that maybe he liked him back. But then TJ met Kira, and the time TJ spent with Cyrus began to fizzle out and it almost hurt Cyrus to spend time with him. He always enjoyed his company, it just hurt knowing he didn’t feel the same after all.

But he was confused, because it really had seemed like they were hitting it off. Their talks on the swings, their text messages, not to mention that TJ asked Cyrus to do a matching costume with him. The constant side hugs and shoulder pats, the high-fives that they both let their hands link together for longer than they’re supposed to. Cyrus really thought there was something there.

Wasn’t there?

He’d expressed all this in his journal before. As the sun rises he watches the lights glide across his pages, almost as if the sun herself is reading his entries. He wonders what she would have to say about it. If she has any advice for him, any opinions. But he never heard back from her. He’s on his own on this one.

After his entries he stretches out his cramped limbs and makes his way to the bathroom to start getting ready for school. He stops in front of the mirror, thoughts of TJ and Kira still swirling around his head. Is he missing something? He hates himself for thinking it, but he swore there was something between him and TJ. Maybe Cyrus sent the wrong messages and TJ decided to move on. But that’s not fair, the least he could’ve done is share his secrets with Cyrus. Let him know how he’s supposed to get over their facetime calls, their hangouts at the spoon, their inside jokes. How he’s supposed to pretend that TJ’s smile doesn’t send an army of butterflies to invade Cyrus’ stomach. How does he erase the sound of TJ’s laughter after Cyrus tells him a joke that his other friends hadn’t understood? The way TJ’s green eyes are always soft and welcoming, and make him feel like he’s safe with him.

Cyrus couldn’t help but wonder if TJ ever got up early and watched the town slowly rise to the lively state everyone is accommodated to. If he’s ever just wanted to yell into the sky the things they were too afraid to do when everyone was awake. If he could ask the sun he would, but he knows she’s not much of a gossip.

He knew it was naïve to think he had a chance with TJ, but he couldn't help the curiosity. He’s spent many sleepless nights wishing for answers— his ceiling was probably bored of his staring.