Toric culture is going through the nblm tag because youâre pretty sure your ideal relationship is with a man. And almost all of it also being tagged as gay or mlm. And youâre not gay. You donât think youâre gay.
And you know you have no right to tell other torics/nblms that they canât also be mlm or call themselves gay. But it feels like thatâs all there is? Thereâs nothing else. Itâs a bit dysphoria-inducing? I donât know. I donât know how connected to manhood (or womanhood) I really am at all.
Iâm honestly debating calling myself toric and enbyhet? Just to hammer home the ânot gayâ part. But then I feel Iâm endorsing âthe only two options are gay or straightâ. And endorsing the ânonbinaries are straights trying to feel special and oppressedâ.
It really does not help that my first and last kind-of-sort-of ârelationshipâ with a guy ended with him threatening to beat me some time after I came out as nonbinary. Yeah. That. It was fucked. So every so often I remember that and think âyour exact label doesnât matter, youâll probably never seek out a relationship after thatâ.
Itâs the night before Pride month, I should not be stressing over labels or anything like that. I should be enjoying it. As a nonbinary person.
Iâm sorry, anon, I think most enben understand that feeling and it really isnât fair that our own community makes us feel so nonexistent. People are so eager to shout stuff like âabolish genderâ but then turn around and grip unto the sexuality binary like it doesnât do just as much harm as the gender binary. Even in queer spaces everyone whoâs in a relationship is expected to take on a masculine or feminine role and most of the time people donât even notice. Sometimes you force that upon yourself and itâs a constant struggle. Labels like diamoric, enbian or toric are supposed to uplift nonbinary people and be a safe way to describe relationships/attraction without falling into roles that donât fit you but it can be so hard to stick to that when everyone seems to either ignore them on purpose or conflate them with binary terms that completely defeat their purpose.
People can be so cruel to enben and our language and in turn we can be so harsh on ourselves. Ultimately you should build your identity around the labels (or lack thereof) that make you safe and comfortable. It doesnât matter what stereotype youâre âperpetratingâ we donât exist to be the perfect representation of nonbinary as a concept. You are most nonbinary the way you are even if it can be hard to remember sometimes. Your identity and comfort matter.
I wish you a great Pride month, anon, and I hope this helped even a little. Please take care of yourself, my thoughts are with you.