#ttcer

It's funny how you spend the first part of your life trying not to get pregnant then you spend the second part trying to get pregnant. And then after trying to raise them to get them out of your house after they lose their "cuteness". (least that's what my mom says).

Then life wants to throw me some more irony and give me a mom who can have 7 kids. (in which we are fairly close in age.) Who also had to get her tubes tied because if she had anymore it would be dangerous.

And a father who went to go and have an additional 5-6 kids with 2 other women. (i honestly forgot how many half's we have)

And then there is me who has been ttcing for 2 years for our first baby and all I got was a lot of "crazy" with hormones that have a mind of its own.

When I first started TTC-ing I knew that it would possibly take some time. That it wouldn't be immediate as I would like. So I wanted to reach out to an online community. Try to look at ttc-ing in a positive light. (I like to be optimistic) But that online community were straight up bitches!! Instead of giving me little advice they corrected my grammar/spelling. They decided to ridicule my questions and concerns. 

Who the fuck are you? Are you better than me because you started TTC-ing before me? Just because your ass is so damn bitter that you had to throw your attitude and frustrations on me. 

Don't know how someone trying to be a "mom" can go behind a keyboard and feel the need to nip-pick everyone. -Spreading hate instead of love.

2 years later I'm still TTCing for my first. And within those 2 years there have been 6 babies that have been born/going to be born in my immediate family. Am I bitter? no. Little envious yes. Do I bash/hate my family members for getting pregnant before me or easily? NO!!

Some people need to get off their damn high horse and realize everyone has their own journey, their own difficulties. Life isn't fair, but that does't excuse your fucking attitude.

This month we are actively TTCing. For the past year we've been "trying not trying" sort of deal. And we didn't end up getting pregnant but I needed to focus more on myself and getting myself in the right mind and body.

I thought I could handle this month TTCing but now I remember what you have to deal with and why TTCing is so stressful!! Some say don't worry about too much...but don't they know what the fuck you got to do DAILY?! 

take your pills, take ovulation tests, check your bbt, check your cm, don't drink too much caffeine, excercise regularly, eat well esp if your ovulating, some have sex every other day, etc..then after you ovulate then you have the 2 week wait before you can test if your pregnant. And if you have pcos then you think you've tested too early because your period is late. 

And your telling me to not be S T R E S S E D?! Not to think about it?! Are you fucking serious?! Gawl!!

Which is why I'm not too sure if I'm actively going to "try" next month if I don't get pregnant. I don't need to go back into depression. I rather be happy and get my mind and body right so I'm not a bitter person or bitter TTCer.

*note: wrote this when we first started ttc. makes me hopeful and I poured my heart out. also my favorite old post in my primary blog*

At this very moment youre a happy thought, tomorrow you just may be tangible. And before I meet any of you here is my promise at the very least. Know that no matter the distance between us, the words that will be exchanged, or the actions you choose ; you will always forever be our child. What that means, you will always be loved, there will always be place you can call home, our arms will always be open and you will never be alone. We may not know the feeling of having a child of our very own, but know you were created by love, trust, happiness and you are a never ending blessing. To our girls; Daddy and I will treat you like princesses, teach you to be self-reliant and teach you the value of integrity. We want you to find a man that will treat you like Queen that you'll become. Find how valuable you are so that even if you question who you are; you will always know what your worth. To our boys; You'll be your sisters protectors, mommy's little heart-breakers and daddy's right hand men. Teach you that the kitchen isn't a feminine place, to be a role model, and being strong mentally and physically is given ,but being able to decipher when to use a gentle touch will make you smart, diverse & impeccable. We want you to be a better version of us. We will try our hardest to give you all the love in the world, all the support we can give, and learn as much as possible from you as you do from us. You'll make mistakes and so will we, but we will never give up on you so you may inherit to never give up on yourself too. And even when we can't always be in reach, you will always have an answer because you will have the reflex to kneel and pray. There's so many things I want to teach you, share with you..but I will spend the rest of my life being your teacher, supporter etc but most of all your mother.

xoxo,