#futuremom

So now, I am TERRIFIED. It’s funny that when I was younger, I thought didn’t want to be pregnant because I heard it will hurt a lot to give birth, but now I fear more of failing as a future parent. I can’t help it. My husband and I were used to being alone, then we got married and got used to being just the two of us and now soon we will be three. Oh no no no. I thought I could never love any other human being as much as myself and my husband because I’m selfish like that (yeah what a promising “future parent” quality).

Another thing—I am EXCITED. I never knew I would be. Few months after we got married it was like something inside me snapped and said “hey, maybe having a baby won’t be too bad”. So I started imagining my husband and I with a tiny human so innocently hugging and kissing us all the time. It felt so beautiful. For a while, my mind just focused on cute baby faces and forgot all of the reasons why I didn’t want to be a parent (before) in the first place. Then suddenly, “crazy me” told my husband that I thought I was now ready to get pregnant and have a baby. He, being as supportive as he has been since the day we met, agreed immediately. Well, he asked a bit if I am sure then he said “Okay, so you want to start trying for it tonight?” 😆

So after a month, we found out I was pregnant. To be honest I didn’t think it will be that fast. I thought we would keep on trying for months. I still feel guilty when I think of how I fet that day, but here it is. I sometimes read or watch videos about other people’s reaction of so much happiness when they see THE two red lines that they even tear up while hugging each other or jump with excitement. And then there I was staring into space and thinking to myself—“OH NO, WHAT HAVE WE DONE?”

My husband on the other hand was saying “Oh my God! I knew it! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!” while holding the two positive pregnancy tests in his hands just staring at it then to me, then back to it again. I wasn’t really sure if he was happy or also thinking the same way as I am inside. But after saying “Oh my God” a thousand times, he finally calmed down and told me “Let’s tell everyone else!”

He started telling his brothers and sisters and then his parents. Everyone was really excited and happy for us. I was speechless but after some time I realized that I was also feeling the same way—a bit shocked and questioning myself if I really wanted it, but deep inside I was happy. I made this moment happen with the person that I love the most and God would not have allowed this if it is not good for us. He knows it’s time.

For months, my husband loved telling people that I’m already pregnant. I knew he has also tried to wrap his head around it for a while but he handled it well. I have a lot in common with him but one thing is different—he has this always “super chill” attitude while my mind is always a mess. I still struggled a lot for a few months to accept the fact that it happened too soon. I know we planned it but it feels different and overwhelming when you are already in the situation that is about to change your life forever. Sometimes I feel (and still do) that maybe we are not ready yet, but that is just me being me. I worry a lot about the future—an overthinker as they say.