*note: wrote this when we first started ttc. makes me hopeful and I poured my heart out. also my favorite old post in my primary blog*

At this very moment youre a happy thought, tomorrow you just may be tangible. And before I meet any of you here is my promise at the very least. Know that no matter the distance between us, the words that will be exchanged, or the actions you choose ; you will always forever be our child. What that means, you will always be loved, there will always be place you can call home, our arms will always be open and you will never be alone. We may not know the feeling of having a child of our very own, but know you were created by love, trust, happiness and you are a never ending blessing. To our girls; Daddy and I will treat you like princesses, teach you to be self-reliant and teach you the value of integrity. We want you to find a man that will treat you like Queen that you'll become. Find how valuable you are so that even if you question who you are; you will always know what your worth. To our boys; You'll be your sisters protectors, mommy's little heart-breakers and daddy's right hand men. Teach you that the kitchen isn't a feminine place, to be a role model, and being strong mentally and physically is given ,but being able to decipher when to use a gentle touch will make you smart, diverse & impeccable. We want you to be a better version of us. We will try our hardest to give you all the love in the world, all the support we can give, and learn as much as possible from you as you do from us. You'll make mistakes and so will we, but we will never give up on you so you may inherit to never give up on yourself too. And even when we can't always be in reach, you will always have an answer because you will have the reflex to kneel and pray. There's so many things I want to teach you, share with you..but I will spend the rest of my life being your teacher, supporter etc but most of all your mother.

xoxo,

I’m not sure why I’m still up. But laying in bed made all my thoughts I tend to push to the back of my mind resurface itself. And what’s most prominent is picturing my life when we have kids.

What parents we will be. The lessons we will learn. The love we will experience. All the good, the bad….

Sometimes I feel so bad for my husband. Like I’m not being a good wife because I feel like it’s my fault we can’t concieve. I know he wants it just as badly as I do.

We are so ready. But the life we dream and await for is questionable. And the only one that’s repeatedly asked is “when”.

I don’t know what I or we as a couple have to do to show God how ready we are. But I’ll try not to question his timing.

Guess in the mean time we have plenty of time to have crazy wild sex, sleep in on weekends, buy superfluous superficial things, fix up our house, get a six pack, go on vacations..to go and have wild crazy sex. Oh, get out of that bitch hole, I call debt. 

Lately my dreams have been so straight forward that they are seriously creepy. No sort of "figurative" speaking at all.

Like when I had a dream of flashes of moments that I couldn't quite catch, they blurred to where all I could remember from waking up a specific date of the future. And when that day arrived, it was also the same date my sister that's been trying to conceive for over 8 years finally did:)

Couple weeks ago I had a dream of a baby girl that was pretty, it look like it could be from my family. I was staring, simply curiosity. -Trying to figure out who they resemble I suppose. Finding out that my best friend is prego. And I'm pretty sure that baby I've dreamed of is hers. 

Couple nights ago I had another dream of a baby girl. I was simply at awe of this baby. So fascinated and enchanted by her. It was the most gorgeous baby I've ever seen. It looked so similar to my niece, but it wasn't my niece. It was the first time that I wanted to hold a baby in dreamland...to touch it. to kiss it. I wanted it embrace it so bad.

so bad that I didn't want to wake up.

I wanted to be in her presence.

It was bitter-sweet waking up. As nights go by, I try to hold on to the ever so fading image of this baby.

I'm not sure if it's my future baby, or a baby I simply created in dreamland. Either way, it made me a little more hopeful that one day I will be able to be at awe in her presence again.