#traumatic experience

We are shown a boy growing up without a father on a godforsaken farm in a small town somewhere in the middle of Iowa and having noticeable self-destructive tendencies and a lack of fear of his own death; his mother is not mentioned (except at the very beginning, which makes you wonder if she even figures in his life), but a certain Frank is mentioned, who is apparently the only adult male figure in his surrounding (read: a person who has power), and with whom he has a clearly strained relationship; in one of the cut scenes, we are also shown that his older brother, ran away from their home when he was a teenager and left Jim, who was still a child, alone with the problems he was running away from. These are all just blatant red flags of domestic abuse and emotional neglect, which I consider canon for AOS Kirk. It doesn't confirm, but it doesn't deny, the possibility of SA being a part of this experience. Especially if we add that in adulthood Kirk demonstrates all possible mechanisms for not overcoming traumatic experiences - avoiding responsibility for his own life and thoughts about the future; self-destructive tendencies - alcoholism, aimless fights, promiscuous sexual contacts; lack of trust in people and outright disrespect for authority; and, the most important, lack of any shock at violence against himself as if it's deserved and expected.

Like TOS Kirk, he have a quick reaction in dangerous situations, high stress tolerance and efficiency under pressure, and like TOS Kirk, he easily uses his body to survive, protect others, or achieve what he wants, both in situations where this means flirting and sexual contact, and in situations where it means taking on pain or sacrificing his life; he easily distances himself from his own body, and like TOS Kirk, his survival reaction is instinctive, unconscious, sewn deep under the skin by constant repetition.

But for me, that's where they're perceived so differently: TOS Kirk survival reaction is the result of the Tarsus IV genocide, AOS Kirk survival reaction is the result of domestic violence. This is, of course, my headcanon, but I think that Tarsus was never mentioned in AOS not only because Abrams forgot? didn't know? it, but also because in 2009 it wasn't the kind of experience you could associate yourself with, unlike the 60s. And in fact, the only topic that the AOS really raises, and which is an echo of the early 21st century, is terrorism. Nero, Khan, Edison in AOS were terrorists. Even the Vulcan genocide is perceived precisely as a terrorist act - a quick, uncompromising, instantaneous one, and not the slow psychological and physical torment that Tarsus was. This shift in the focus of the experience of mass tragedy from Kirk to Spock in AOS is undoubtedly intentional, because AOS is constantly playing in reverse, and it further confirms for me the theory that the traumatic experience in AOS Kirk's life is primarily domestic.

TOS Kirk's traumatic experience is that of a survivor of a mass tragedy, one of a thousand, where his own trauma is depersonalized, if not devalued, in the face of such unmitigated grief. AOS Kirk's traumatic experience, on the other hand, is isolated in its individualism, and although domestic violence affects almost one in three people, it's a very personal trauma, something that remains behind closed doors between you and your abuser. Traumatic experiences are not measured in percentages, and while their impact on a person can vary, it's impossible to say which is actually worse: being a victim of war, or your own caregiver; being isolated in an entire city that is slowly dying from hunger and bullets, or in the house where you live that has turned into a house of horrors. These are all experiences that should not be. Something that cannot be endured without losing something in oneself.

Therefore, I tend to think that AOS Kirk doesn't so much crave captaincy (and the sense of control it gives) as the sense of belonging and acceptance that the ship and close people give. That's why he tries to leave the captaincy in Beyond, because in reality he continues to feel this inner emptiness even on the ship, a disconnection from the people around him; because it's not the role of captain that gives meaning to his life, but the connection with people, the opportunity to change the situation through his own actions (which noticeably distinguishes him from TOS Kirk, for whom captaincy and responsibility, on the contrary, are what really ground him). In this regard, I consider Leave No Soul Behind (in which Jim gives up the captaincy, remaining in the role of a point in the thick of things, and finding his sense of belonging) not just the best reading of the AOS dynamic, but better than it has even been done in the films. AOS Kirk's traumatic experience is easier to read; he can't really hide it, he's not very subtle about it, it lies closer to the surface, visible through his sharp angles and actions. It's the personal nature of his traumatic experience that makes it so obvious, it's like a broken bone that long ago healed incorrectly and can't be fixed, and it's immediately apparent when you get closer, and he knows it because it's personal, and he carries this scar without pride, just doesn't know what the hell to do with it.

It's more difficult with TOS Kirk, because he's much more subtle and adept at concealment. He's a really well-written, multi-layered character, and his traumatic experiences are built on the experiences of people who went through WW2 and who saw things that we would have had a hard time imagining in the real world before the events of recent years. When I started watching TOS, I didn't really associate him with any traumatic experiences at all. Part of this was influenced by how often in AOS fanfiction he is referred to as a happier, luckier version of Jim who had everything that AOS Kirk didn't have, which I now find to be just a blatant misunderstanding of his character (and what can I say, if even in SNW he's read through this lens). And he really gives that impression. But if you look at him through everything we know about his experience, his trauma is much deeper and more complex. But it's less personal, and therefore not as noticeable at first glance. From TOS we know that he survived Tarsus IV as not just a child, but a child at the beginning of his transitional age, when you already understand very well what is happening to you, and this experience is already conscious. A genocide where thousands of people were executed, where there was hunger and disease, and the fear of being killed, where he was isolated, alone, and had to quickly learn to do everything to survive. In his 20s, he witnessed half the crew of the starship he served on, along with the captain, being killed, and he had to live with the constant feeling that it was his fault because he couldn't stop the killer in time, even though logically he understood that he couldn't have done it, that it would've been impossible for anyone.

TOS Kirk is a good actor, as is repeated over and over again throughout the series, and his flippant demeanor is more often a game than a real comfort. This becomes especially noticeable over time as you begin to better read Shatner's acting, which is built on undertones and eye contact. And as a boy-from-a-good-family-with-a-happy-childhood, he slips into survival mode all too easily and does it unconsciously, naturally, practically domestic, which indicates an experience deeper than the experience of a command track. Many things speak to the influence of Tarsus IV on his behavior. His well-known belief in the impossibility of a no-win scenario stems from his fear of not being able to influence the situation, because as long as he can do something, there is always a chance. His behavior often reflects the trauma of a survivor, in how demanding he is of himself, in his obsessive sense of guilt towards the people he failed to protect. The inability to truly build a stable relationship, not so much because it's really impossible for him as a starship captain (because despite certain difficulties, it's obviously possible), but because he denies himself this, because what he really seeks in love, this complete acceptance, the merging of two essences (which he says in S2EP9 “Metamorphosis” - "You haven't the slightest knowledge of love, the total union of two people") is almost impossible to find, and no other relationship will be sufficient for him, won't give him the feeling of finally being seen, of being heard. This isn't allowed by his inner loneliness, which he is terribly afraid of and wants to stop feeling, but which is such an integral part of him, part of his survival, that letting it go for him means remaining defenseless before another, believing that this other person won't abandon, won't leave him alone, which he cannot afford to believe, because it means returning to his deepest fears.

He really easily uses his own body to survive, protect others, and achieve what he needs, often doing so (again) unconsciously, as if without thinking about alternative options. And he easily distances himself in these moments, which is really indicative of the SA victim's experience. Tarsus IV leaves room for this, given that it was a famine stretched over time in constant fear, surviving in something like that meant using pretty much everything you could, especially if Jim was responsible for someone besides him. There are many uncomfortable scenes in TOS where Kirk has no control over his own body, and which are really taken as scenes of violence towards him, and we always see how hard it is for him. While he flirts easily with both women and men, and often manipulates another person's affection for him, he's not a manslut and he doesn't get pleasure from it. From what we are shown more than once, he really understands women and sympathizes with them. He really understands what it means when you say no and mean no, and the other person thinks you mean yes. But truly, I think surviving genocide and famine is also enough to learn to adapt to any inconvenience and distance yourself from your feelings, to simply survive the moment, because that's how the self-defense mechanism works during a traumatic experience. All of these things also make me wonder what the situation is with TOS Kirk's parents, considering they are NOT mentioned in the original series, and taking it as canon alone, I have no positive theories for that.