#trashfic

           “Cesare?”

Cesare froze in his tracks as the foreign tone of his wife’s voice shattered his thoughts while the image of his encumbered love shattered his world. Lucrezia is… with child?

Lucrezia felt as if she had seen a ghost. Had it not been for the unwelcome sight of her sister-in-law she would have been sure she was dreaming but alas the moment that had been long awaited and long overdue was here and yet everything felt wrong. Charlotte should not be here and Cesare should not have learned of Lucrezia’s condition like this. Despite the situation laid before them, the younger Borgia knew that a front must be displayed for the sake of their guest, as well as their love to which her brother’s wife was not privy.

            “Sister! How joyous an event to receive you. Shame on my brother for not announcing your arrival, had I known I would have been properly dressed.” Charlotte stood in utter bewilderment at the sight before her. As Lucrezia Borgia effortlessly crossed the room to fetch herself a dressing gown she felt herself grow red with foolish shame and envy. The woman before her was a vision. La Bella herself even in her fecund state. The glow of her pregnancy shone brightly on her smooth alabaster skin.

            “I am sorry to intrude Holy Daughter. We did not mean to disturb your peace. My husband ran off with such vigor he did not give word as to where we should go.”

           “Nonsense Charlotte, call me Lucrezia. We are family after all. I was just trying on my new dress. The dressmaker has fashioned me a lighter ware for these dreadful Roman summers. I trust France is much kinder.” Lucrezia kindly dismissed the dressmaker as she secured her robe closed.

           “Our weather fares well my Lady-eh Lucrezia.” His younger half smiled warmly at the French woman but Cesare cringed inwardly at the saccharin expression. His love was livid, at his wife, at the situation, at him. An intruder in her den, Lucrezia Borgia was not to be treaded on. Cesare was displease with his rash decision, his poor planning and his unwanted company but nothing displeased him more than the sight of the man who entered his Love’s chamber, uninvited and circled her in his embrace along with his entitlement. Who was this man who dared lay his hands on his heart’s desire?

           “Ah My lovely betrothed! I see they have arrived, rumors have proven to be true once again.” The young duke winked at Lucrezia as she caught on to its double meaning and lightly placed a hand on her stomach, as she stayed complacent in Alfonso’s arms.            “It is good to finally put face to name Lord Borgia.” The son of Ferrara extended his hand for Cesare’s but the older Borgia could not pry his eyes and the look of betrayal they held within away from Lucrezia’s. Her heart crumbled to dust at the pointed accusation. She had not left him. She had not found another and started life anew. No, this had been thrust upon her. Much like every other decision Lucrezia held dear in life and yet somehow Cesare Borgia felt dignified in his righteous indignation.

           “I’m afraid you have me at a disadvantage.” Cesare captured Alfonso’s hand in firm validation and false acceptance. Neither lost on Lucrezia’s future husband. How jealously makes men unravel.

           “Alfonso D’Este, Lord Borgia. Duke of Ferrara.” The very name that had passed through Alfonso’s lips had left cold blood in Cesare’s veins and absent words on Cesare’s tongue. This was the man Cesare had chosen for his love. Once thought of as nothing more than prospective ally had now turned into inevitable brother-in-law. A task he had not thought to occur thrice in his lifetime. How easily dreams shattered in the face of reality.

           “Please to make your acquaintance Lord D’Este. Allow me to introduce my wife, Charlotte Borgia of Albret.  

           “My dear, your pulchritude is disarming, such beauty can only be rivaled by my betrothed.”

           “As your charm rivals my husband Lord D’Este-”

           “Alfonso.”

           “…Alfonso, you are too kind my beauty pales in comparison to Lucrezia Borgia.”

           “A sentiment I cannot deny. Perhaps my men could help escort you and your lovely daughter to your rooms.”

           “I’m sure my husband can assist in that task.”

           “I have no doubt my Lady however since we are soon to all be family I don’t see why he should object?” Cesare had not bothered to take note of the trivial banter between the two as he was having a different conversation entirely with the light of his life. Her eyes held such sorrow for him, such remorse. Trapped like a prisoner in her soon to be husband’s arms he felt his stomach tighten. He could not pull his eyes away from her stomach and the hand that tenderly held it. Was this his child? Had she already bore a child for this insufferable man and his cool temperament? How long had he been away?

           “Cesare?”

           “Yes?” Cesare looked up at the expectant eyes of his wife and soon to be brother-in-law.

           “Do you object?” Alfonso flashed a disarming smile that only left discourse in the older Borgia’s stomach.

           “No, of course not.” He wished he had made some effort to listen as the disappointed look on Charlotte’s face told him he had made the wrong choice. Once escorted out of Lucrezia’s chambers all that was left was the older and younger Borgia.

 The heavy chamber doors echoed throughout the lavish room and yet neither moved, afraid of the other.

           “Cesar-”

           “Is the child his?” Cesare stood stoic and cold as his spine rigid itself in preparation to resist his desire for her. What he didn’t prepare for was the abrupt sting of Lucrezia’s hand coming across his face and leaving a red mark in its wake.

           “How dare you! Come in here with you’re accusations!” Lucrezia went to swing twice when her beloved caught her arm and she relished in his embrace. Heavens, how sorely she missed his touch.

           “What would you have me think?”

           “How long have you shared my bed?” Lucrezia’s words cut Cesare as the stark realization dawned upon him.

           “You mean…?”

           “The child is yours my love.” A single tear rolled down the apple of her cheek as it disappeared into the crease of her lips.

           “My god!” Capturing his love’s face in his hands, the older Borgia crushed his lips to hers. They melded perfectly to his and he couldn’t even begin to wonder how he ever survived those months without her. How he left her and his child to survive on their own in the grips of Rome.

           “Why did you not send for me sooner?”

           “What could I possibly say? The world believes this child to be my late husband’s.”

           “The hell it is!”

           “Cesare please.” Lucrezia pulled her brother further into the room away from prying ears that surely rest on the Vatican’s doors and walls.

           “Does your soon to be husband think this?”

           “He…does not.”

           “What does he think?”

           “He knows.”

Cesare searched Lucrezia’s eyes for a deeper meaning and was dismayed when he landed upon truth.

           “How?”

           “I know not. This man is unlike anyone I’ve ever met.”

           “Does he mean you harm?”

           “No, I think he wants something from me but doesn’t say…at least not what he means.”

           “It was foolish of me to even suggest this to father. I will go and correct my mistake.”

           “Cesare!” Lucrezia pulled on her older half’s arm, preventing further moment. “Do not be daft, the arrangement has already been made. We cannot let him leave with this knowledge free to leverage it to whomever he wishes.”

Cesare pulled his arm away from his love as he huffed and paced back and forth frustrated with the situation. He had gotten cocky. His bravado and arrogance had threatened them greatly and what was worse was it put Lucrezia in the crossfire. Now they had no choice but to work with the indelible duke.

           “Peace brother,” Lucrezia reached out and cloaked her presence around Cesare’s biceps. “Focus on the joyous occasion. You are home and we are with child. Nothing else matters.”

           He wanted to believe that, by god he did. However he couldn’t remove the dread from his stomach much like pitch from hellfire. How would he fix this? How could he save them? The dreams of their wishful fishing village seemed so perfect at this moment but it was no longer an option, trampled by his ambition and lack of foresight. Whatever the future held he did not know but steadfast they had to remain, there was no direction but forward.

           “I am more concerned with other pressing issues.” Now it was Lucrezia’s turn to correct her posture as a cold chill filled the room matching her demeanor.

           “What issue my love?” Cesare followed her across the room as a scolded child would now afraid at her lack of affection.

           “Your wife.”

Cesare grimaced at the answer and knew it to be too hopeful that Lucrezia would let her arrival be quietly accepted.

           “I’m sorry-”    

           “No.”

           “What?” Cesare’s apology was cut short as Lucrezia’s temper grew in its place.

           “You will not apologize to me. I do not accept that. You will however fix it. We cannot fight two fronts of unwanted company both at your behest mind you. What were you thinking?”

The older Borgia felt foolish for letting this careless blunder grow out of hand as he knew Lucrezia was right. It was bad enough having to be careful of Alfonso but to add Charlotte to the mix, an even more precarious situation as her presence was one to grant the protection of Rome.

           “I let love blind me. I did not think I only acted and for that please forgive me. Had I known the entirety of the situation I would have been more careful.”

           “You should have been regardless of the situation Cesare. Send her home.

           “I can’t do that. Charlotte’s demands were to be brought here in my return.”

           The wife who makes no demands?” Lucrezia’s words were curt and scathing. This is not the reunion Cesare wanted at all. He was supposed to hold his beloved in his arms all while he ravished her. She was cold and distant.

           “Lucrezia, I came back for you.”

           “You left for her. And now you won’t send her away. The only way I can see to fix this is to leave for Ferrara once the child is born.”

           “You will not take my child from me.”

           “No I can’t, but Holy father can.” Cesare’s eyes filled with rage at Lucrezia’s threat. What exactly was her intent in enraging him? Had his apologies not been enough? Did she want him to beg?

           “What would you have me do?” Cesare stepped behind his love and held their child gently desperately wishing her warm embrace would return.

Since my brain apparently isn't wired correctly and @beautifulterriblequeen is humouring my weird antics instead of shutting them down: have some mini Tinkaan trashfic in honour of the S3 trailer

There is a tiny bit of mild sexual content in the last part so skip after the ~~~ if you don't feel comfortable with that^^

~

Rayla was feeling miserable. The whole morning she'd been doing what Runaan called “warmup exercises” with him. Naturally, her uncle wasn't even breaking a sweat while she could feel muscles burning that she didn't even know existed. “Runaaaaan" she whined, forcing herself to do one last pushup before collapsing. “Can we please take a break?”

Next to her, the older elf stopped what must have been his twentieth repetition and sat back on the balls of his feet, arms braced on his knees. “It seems I overestimated your constitution little one. We will have to work on that.” Why did that suspiciously sound like more pushups?

Just as she wanted to object, a familiar figure appeared in the doorway to their house, two cups of water in his hands. “Do you have to be so hard on her?” Tinker asked with a fond smile as he handed each of them a cup.

“I'm not hard, just realistic.” Runaan argued but still accepted the water. “She's twelve. You can't possibly think she could take up the same training you've been doing for years.” Rayla watched the exchange with growing interest as Runaan narrowed his eyes. “Says the only one here not exercising regularly. Training is important.”

“Okay" Tinker crossed his arms with a smirk “It's on. We're doing pushups. If I win, she gets to take it slow. If you win I will keep my thoughts to myself.” Runaan blinked at him a couple of times before holding his hand out with a predatory grin. “It's a bet.”

They appointed Rayla to count in an even pace and both got on the ground next to each other. “Ready?” she asked, and at a nod from both, she started.

“one hundred and twenty, one hundred and twenty one" slowly, Runaan's form began to crumble. At one hundred and forty, his arms were shaking until he finally collapsed as soon as she'd counted one hundred and seventy four. Next to him Tinker was also visibly at the end of his strength but he managed another thirty before sitting back in the grass with a huff. “I-Impossible" Runaan wheezed out, still laying on his back where he collapsed. “Never challenge a smith to an upper body strength test my Moonshine.” Tink laughed, gently patting the others thigh.

“I – hgnh - I want a rematch.” The assassin declared pointing one of his still shaking arms in the direction of his husband. “Of course love, but not today.”

The following weeks, Rayla watched both in horror and in awe as her uncle rapidly upped his usual training routine. He didn't solely stick to pushups though as she might have expected but varied several full body exercises. To “keep the muscle groups from dysbalancing" he'd told her when asked.

All of the recruits were secretly terrified because Runaan was now adamant of using every available minute to train and thus always chose one of them to spar during their lessons. Needless to say the victim usually left with a bit more than a bruised pride.

Their diet at home changed from whatever either of her uncles felt like that day to a plan of lean meats and vegetables. Rayla started to wish she'd never complained that day.

It went on for three months. At some point Rayla was sure either of them would loose their nerves. Runaan because she’d seen him collapse just short of two hundred one too many times and Tinker because all sweets were banned from the house and he usually needed his daily dose of chocolate to stay sane. But it never happened. The smith even seemed to help Runaan rather than work against him.

About three and a half months after the incident, they finally declared it was time for a rematch. Both of them did so scarily well that Rayla suddenly feared for every elf that dared to come between them.

Tinker managed a number of two hundred and twenty seven before giving up which Runaan only barley topped with two hundred and forty two. Glad that this issue finally seemed settled, Rayla decided to visit a couple of friends and leave her uncles to sort out whatever had been going on.

She had just rounded the house as Tinker's laughter sounded through the clearing. At least they weren't fighting, she concluded and vanished in the woods.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Tinker stood next to Runaan who was still laying in the grass, a cocky grin plastered across his flushed face. He looked adorable. With a smile, he held out a hand to help him up only to find himself being pulled down the instant their hands locked. He laughed and caught himself on both forearms to not crush the shorter elf beneath him. Runaan smirked before he forcefully flipped them over so he was straddling the smith instead.

Tinker was so used to being the physically stronger one that he couldn't suppress the sharp yelp of surprise at the sudden turn of events. His husband’s eyes darted around the clearing once, making sure Rayla was way out of view before shedding his shirt in one swift movement and bending down for a kiss. He chuckled at Tinkers wide eyes and flexed a bit, leaning back to help him out of his shirt, too. “Like what you see, love?”

The smith could only nod, hands trailing down the other's arm before they were pinned above his head. “Good because I won't let you go anywhere.” The deep predatory growl sent shivers down his spine, relishing Runaan's possessive side.

“I should beat you more often if that is the outcome.” He commented, trailing his hands down his husband’s abdominal muscles that were a bit more defined than he was used to. Tinker could feel them flex under his fingers only to be faced with Runaan's grin as he looked up.

My friends run a horrible fanfic-based comedy night in Nottingham and I drew their poster for this month.

It’s based on the Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein poster, featuring the hosts and the show’s mascot Bartfield Potterson.

Because my son deserves a birthday even though the author didn't give him one.

This post is dedicated for his birthday.

A/N: There is a lot of OOC in this one that I cannot even fathom what the hell im writing anymore. I’m sorry, chicken nugget.

-----------------------------

- ljy sees countless of birthday celebrations. First it was senior wei's birthday. He was tasked with spending time with wwx so as to distract him. And then it was a surprise party. "Happy birthday, weiying." "Happy birthday, senior Wei." Cloud Recesses might have allowed Emperor's Smile that day. Lqr avoided the party although he did wish wwx a happy birthday before disappearing.

- Then it was jc birthday. Wwx remembered the birthday and he kept mumbling something along the line of whether he should or should not bother jc. Wwx looked at lsz and ljy and asked them to follow him shopping.

- it was jl birthday after. He was to spend time with jl away from lotus pier. Also to bring fairy along so wwx will have a piece of mind when decorating the party. "Take that thing away."

- jl had asked ljy when is his birthday. Ljy didn't answer. The trip was quiet the whole time.

- ljy was quiet. Lsz knew somehing was wrong. They grew up together. It was weird to see a quiet ljy.

- Then lsz remembered. Birthday. His was start of the year. Senior wei was in October, along with Zewu jun. All the birthdays but not one can he remember that they celebrated ljy. lsz felt bad all of a sudden. Knowing all the countless birthdays and not once was for ljy. he didtnt even know when his birthday was.

- lsz consulted the two older lans. they too cannot remember when the boy was born. was he that unimportant that no one can remember his birthday? so lsz decides to create a birthday for his best friend.

- lsz gathered wwx for help. Lwj was in it too.

- lwj was tasked to the kitchen because Lord knows how much spices wwx would add to the dishes. So wwx ends up with the decorations. And occasionally summoning wen ning to help.

- lsz thinks it's time for him to accompany ljy out instead. Lwj had given them enough money to walk around before coming home at the designated time.

- lsz blindfolds ljy and leads him to the main hall. “what is this?!” “quiet. i have a surprise for you.” ljy nods and then trusts his best friend, following him.

- lsz takes off the blindfold and ljy opens his eyes to be greeted by all his friends.

- “Happy birthday, kiddo~” “Happy birthday, jingyi~” “You didn’t tell me it was your birthday!” Because ljy didnt know.

- he just stared at everyone. he looked at the probably-once-in-a-lifetime colourful main hall. the decorations. the food on the table.

- “aww~ don’t cry~” wwx cooed.

- “I... I... I-” and then lsz just stuffed ljy mouth with a drumstick. “don’t say anything, and enjoy your birthday.” and everyone laughed.

- today is 5th december. it marks ljy’s birthday.

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this was totally done with a half-medicated mind. I was to publish this earlier but it was incomplete. i have a mild headache but ill do anything for my son.

Miraculous Hero Team, looking back:

Hawk Moth retired after Style Queen, but came back because of Queen Bee...

So you mean to say this could’ve been over before Mayura?

Thanks a lot, Queen bɪt͡ʃ!

OMG, let it go! That was years ago!!!

...did someone say...modern au Stormpilot Olive Garden fic? whoops. my hand slipped. it’s trash, don’t say i didn’t warn you