"i wish weād met years ago." @nell
Ā Ā Ā sheās not making this easy. although, nell reminds herself, nothing about this is easy. up until now, everything had been. itād been good without being too much- without being anything, really. except it had been something. it had been something she knows theyād both felt, that theyād both tried to ignore because of some reason or another.Ā
Ā Ā Ā nellās had time over the past few weeks. her parents had taken her daughter home with them and with nolan not around, the apartmentās been quiet. sheād thrown herself back into the case as soon as theyād let her, distracting herself, hoping that once they caught the trapper, sheād feel different-Ā better. but that time had come not a week ago, becky at the front of it, and nell stills feels the same. sheās still missing part of herself. sheās still alone.
Ā Ā Ā it wasnāt an easy realisation, but she knows that leaving is her only option. she canāt stay here. she canāt live in this apartment, canāt go to work and sit opposite an empty desk for god knows how long. she doesnāt have the strength. maybe she mightāve done if any of those reasons for ignoring what she and becky had had been valid. if she could justify doing nothing when all she wanted was to doĀ something.Ā
Ā Ā Ā but she canāt. there was nothing holding her back and, yet, she kept finding something to. moments theyād both felt a pull, opportunities to make something of whatever was between them, had been brushed aside. and by the time becky had finally taken it into her own hands and kissed her, life had decided it was too late.
Ā Ā Ā theyād had their chance. and theyād watched it pass by one too many times.
Ā Ā Ā maybe if they had met years ago, theyād have taken it before itād been taken from them.
Ā Ā Ā and maybe then sheād have found solidarity in becky marney instead of regret.
Ā Ā Ā nellās never been good at goodbyes. and this is no different. if anything, itās harder. sheās not just saying goodbye to becky, sheās saying goodbye to the first good thing she mightāve had in a long time. but the sinking feeling in her stomach every time she thinks about what might have been? she gets to take that with her.Ā
Ā Ā Ā thatās not going anywhere.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā yeah, ā she nods.Ā ā yeah, me too. ā
Ā Ā Ā she looks at becky and thereās that pull again, strong as ever. and itās really fucking hard to say no to. but itās just another thing she has to do. itās not going to fix anything. all itāll do is make this worse.
Ā Ā Ā she drops her gaze, closes her eyes, and shakes her head.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āĀ iām sorry. bec, iām so fuckinā sorry.Ā ā