#trappered

     nell’s still half in disbelief that that asshole had managed to catch her off guard for long enough to land a hit on her when she feels it. ( whatever it is. ) it’s like someone had hit pause for a moment long enough for her to realise that it was something, but not long enough for her to figure out what. and before she’d had a chance to even try, it had gone.

     before she knows it, becky’s back to cleaning her up, back to calling her out for shit-talking, and nell’s back to being reminded that no matter how many times she takes a hit, it doesn’t hurt any less.

ICB YOU TRUSTED Z

the set to his shoulders is thanks in equal parts to disappointment and shame. he left becky behind only a couple of minutes ago, and had warned then that he’d be gone for a good 15.

         ‘ he watched me fuckin’ light it, ’ he greets. there are children near, being dragged around ( much like chris! ) by their parents to do last-minute gift shopping, but chris is too upset to bother censoring himself. ‘ before he had me put it out. is the sidewalk not fair game? ’

     she’s not making this easy. although, nell reminds herself, nothing about this is easy. up until now, everything had been. it’d been good without being too much- without being anything, really. except it had been something. it had been something she knows they’d both felt, that they’d both tried to ignore because of some reason or another. 

     nell’s had time over the past few weeks. her parents had taken her daughter home with them and with nolan not around, the apartment’s been quiet. she’d thrown herself back into the case as soon as they’d let her, distracting herself, hoping that once they caught the trapper, she’d feel different- better. but that time had come not a week ago, becky at the front of it, and nell stills feels the same. she’s still missing part of herself. she’s still alone.

     it wasn’t an easy realisation, but she knows that leaving is her only option. she can’t stay here. she can’t live in this apartment, can’t go to work and sit opposite an empty desk for god knows how long. she doesn’t have the strength. maybe she might’ve done if any of those reasons for ignoring what she and becky had had been valid. if she could justify doing nothing when all she wanted was to do something. 

     but she can’t. there was nothing holding her back and, yet, she kept finding something to. moments they’d both felt a pull, opportunities to make something of whatever was between them, had been brushed aside. and by the time becky had finally taken it into her own hands and kissed her, life had decided it was too late.

     they’d had their chance. and they’d watched it pass by one too many times.

     maybe if they had met years ago, they’d have taken it before it’d been taken from them.

     and maybe then she’d have found solidarity in becky marney instead of regret.

     nell’s never been good at goodbyes. and this is no different. if anything, it’s harder. she’s not just saying goodbye to becky, she’s saying goodbye to the first good thing she might’ve had in a long time. but the sinking feeling in her stomach every time she thinks about what might have been? she gets to take that with her. 

     that’s not going anywhere.

          “ yeah, ” she nods. “ yeah, me too. ”

     she looks at becky and there’s that pull again, strong as ever. and it’s really fucking hard to say no to. but it’s just another thing she has to do. it’s not going to fix anything. all it’ll do is make this worse.

      she drops her gaze, closes her eyes, and shakes her head.

hey welcome to the hell club

‘hey i think carl and marcus would get along’, z said, ‘hey why don’t we watch crossing lines’, z said, ‘it’ll be fun’, z said

        this is all very...pleasant, isn’t it? he’s being polite, she’s being polite---only nothing much is being said, of any significance, because nate has no real answers for her, and is even less willing to spill the corps’ secrets like candy at halloween. he wants to help, sure; his entire job is to stop bad guys doing bad things, and that’s not so different to what the police do.

        but this is his territory.

        and if she thinks he’s not analysing her in return, she’s got another think coming; nate’s hardly an expert, he doesn’t know how to profile, but he’s pretty good at reading people. and he knows how to survive an interrogation much worse than this.

beep; a concerned text