Something I think about sometimes as a transmasc is the contrast between the stereotype of how transmascs and trans men are so often viewed through the lens of âgirls (or âgirlsâ) who want to be boysâ, and my experience growing up of feeling like a boy who wished desperately that he could be a girl. But, knowing deep down on some level that I wasnât one and couldnât be one, no matter how much I wanted to be. And perhaps my experience is complicated by growing up intersex, and not really going through what people think of as a complete ânormal girl pubertyâ, so thatâs something to consider when looking back on my experiences with gender.
But, Iâve seen a lot of people, transmascs and (occasionally) non transmascs alike talk about the transmasc experience of Wishing You Were A Boy and rarely seen anyone else talk about the transmasc experience of Wishing You Were A Girl, and frankly, I feel like a lot of cis allies are unaware that this is a thing for some transmascs. Iâve seen people talk about internalized transphobia broadly a bit more often, sure, but this is a slightly more distinct feeling than simply wishing I was ânormalâ and able to blend in, and therefore not trans, and therefore a cis girl by default. Iâm not really sure how to describe it. Like, before I even knew that being trans was a concept that existed at all, before I consciously ever thought âI feel like a boyâ or knew that was something I could be, I remember thinking often âI wish I could be a Real Girlâ but knowing that I felt like an imposter. There was an intense yearning for Girlhood, but a knowledge that Girlhood was on a shelf just out of my reach- despite not having any idea whatsoever as to why, at the time.
Maybe this doesnât make a lot of sense, I only slept 4 hours and my head isnât exactly screwed on straight. But Iâm sharing this anyway, hoping that someone else out there will see it and resonate and know that they arenât alone. I also think itâs worth mentioning that I find it interesting how gender dysphoria can manifest so differently for everyone who is affected by it.
