I wanted to take a minute to talk about how I’m feeling.

It seems and feels as though my families progress has come to a halt. Then again, how can I push them to be challenged and face it if I’m kinda still hiding in the shadows as well?

I have my days where I feel good about my gender and being trans and I have my days where I feel bad about it. Like most of my posts on here, I know that feelings will come and go, but knowing who I am, has only ever become more certain.

Today I spent a lottttt if time on instagram following more trans guy blogs and looking at Drs. products of top surgery. It was nice to kinda become consumed by it because I found a lot of people with my same chest size having some pretty amazing results.

Now I know I’m by no means small...I’ve always been broad shouldered and pretty stocky just from playing sports my whole life and genetics. But I also know I’m not super super big in terms of weight and size wise.

I definitely don’t have the muscle definition I used to have when I was playing sports 24/7 but I still have my strength and a bit of muscles beneath the fat that has formed since my time out of intense physical activity.

It was nice to see these results on people with chests as big as mine or even bigger. One of my biggest worries about starting to transition is gaining weight and being a “fat guy”. I’m worried that getting too surgery will make a bad looking chest because of my chest size but today restored my hope in it and made me truly excited for the day I get to get these off my chest.

I called today to get an appointment at a clinic a buddy of mine goes to in Boston. Though I don’t think I’m ready to start hormones just yet, I am ready to ask questions and get the whole speeel from a Dr. I have so many questions that I legit don’t even know what to ask, but I know I have questions that need answering.

I’m just so excited for my journey and seeing the physical changes of my body match the man I know I am.

I’m so excited to never have to wear a bra or a binder anymore, to go to the gym already feeling 10 pounds lighter because I don’t have this extra burden to carry.

I’m just genuinely happy and hopeful for my future. On days like today I want to start hormones now, but I know in my heart that I still have a lot to navigate in myself and with the people that I love. I won’t wait forever though.

In other news, a few things have happened that were upsetting like my mom suggesting my being trans is just as much of a flaw as her social anxiety is. Or my dad sending me a totally obnoxious and blatantly purposeful DAUGHTER card in Valentine’s Day. I took both of those things and processed them with intentions to post about them with a clear head at a later date but over time it just became less irrelevant. Shit like that hurts but I have hope and I have faith in the fact that there are plenty of other holidays where my dad will get it right. And as far as my mom goes, she says the wrong shit all the time, but she loves me no less and she’s trying.

I love my family so much and I want to be patient and respectful, I just don’t know how much longer Calvin can live in these shackles. He comes out everyday ready to face on the world, ready to teach people and enlighten people, ready to be who I’ve always meant to be.