#total downer

I have this innate need for physical contact so I fool around with people even when I know they have feelings for me and I don’t.

Like I tell them up front I’m just wanting some human contact and only see them as a friend but I still hurt them anyway and I’m still using them anyway even if I’m honest. Honesty doesn’t always make you a good person. Honesty isn’t the same thing as integrity.

My god damn life is just... one big shitshow of me fucking up friendships and relationships because I’ve talked myself into thinking I’m in the right for being honest to the point where it hurts people I care about.

Which... I don’t really want to lie to them because it makes me feel horrible on the inside but I don’t know how to not hurt them.

But I can’t stop myself from using people because if I go too long without physical intimacy it’s just a super bad time for me and idk how to cope with that.

I don’t know how this dude just cut things off with me like that because even if I were in his shoes and wanted to go looking for a relationship I’d still keep me as a safety net in case it didn’t work out after a while. It boggles my mind that he’d turn away from a near guarantee of sex literally whenever.

If I were well off I could afford the antidepressants that work best for me

I wouldn’t feel guilty about going to an expensive college far away from home I wouldn’t worry about the future debt I’m signing myself up for I wouldn’t be as stressed about losing a semester and a half of college because I was so depressed

I wouldn't be stressed about changing my major

I wouldn’t feel guilty for having gone to the hospital for my depression

I probably wouldn’t have been as depressed as I was