#torturedsouls

A lump began to form in Splinter’s throat as he looked upon his children and the many bandages that covered their bodies. The terror of what nearly happened still shook his bones, and the more time he spent with his family, the more grateful he felt at having them still with him.

A sudden shift of weight beside him caught his attention, and Splinter noticed Raphael leaning further into his touch so they were almost leaning on one another as his son spoke under his breath. “We missed you too, Sensei.”

Splinter wrapped his arm further around his son’s shell, smiling at all the loving eyes staring at him. “Oh, my sons…” He placed a hand on Michelangelo’s shoulder, who moved in to wrap his arms around Splinter’s chest as Don stood closer to Raph with a hand on his shell. “There are no words.”

The four of them stayed in their huddled-hug, content to draw strength from each other as the minutes ticked by. A tender smile crossed Splinters lips as he held his children close, enjoying the warmth they brought to his heart. Having them home once more brought joy to his spirit, and he was sure not to take such a moment for granted.

A moment that gave him strength to keep faith.

Whole-heartedly he believed that his eldest was strong enough to fight his way home. Leonardo would recover and their world would be complete once more. He felt it in every fiber of his being.

As Michelangelo and Raphael began to doze off beside him, Splinter moved his arm from around his second eldest to place a hand on Leonardo’s forehead, stroking it tenderly once more. “Soon.” He whispered, feeling hope brighten his soul at long last.

Soon we will be whole again.

~~~~~~

10 Months Later

“Leonardo.”

Leo bounded around the room, fending off imaginary enemies with seemingly every kata and technique he’d ever been taught. His eyes were narrow as slits, but Splinter could still see the fear in them. “Leonardo.” But the turtle was lost in whatever fight his mind was concocting. Taking a step forward to make his presence known, Splinter suddenly found himself pivoting wide when a sword swiped right at his face, his hand stopping it mere inches from his temple. “My son.”

Leo froze as he was, taking a moment to come back to his senses before pulling the katana away from his father’s face with wide apologetic eyes. “Sensei! I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you come in.” He was out of breath, puffing from over exertion, and splinter noticed his only hand was trembling as it held the sword. “How’s Mikey? Is he—?”

“—Resting. Donatello assessed his injuries and has concluded your brother will wake with no more damage than an extreme headache.” The stifled sigh of relief was worrisome. Leonardo still looked as wired as he had when Splinter entered the dojo. “Donatello wished for me to convey that the injuries would have been worse had you not rushed Michelangelo home so swiftly.”

But his son only frowned, turning away to walk back to the center of the room, preparing for another kata. Splinter knew that look on his face: disappointment. Leonardo was blaming himself for more than the night’s events.

Had been doing so every since he’d recovered.

Without a word, Splinter moved to the other side of the room, prying a sword from it’s display on the wall, and stood opposite his eldest, sword at the ready.

“Sensei?”

Splinter only sunk deeper into his stance, waiting patiently as his son overcame his inner battle and finally relented, taking a similar position with his sword raised.

A moment of stillness. Silence.

Strike.

Leonardo brought his katana up to block an attack by his Sensei, eyes following his opponents every move.

Splinter observed the movements of his eldest, the way his eyes saw every strike, predicted every move, and countered in the most strategic ways. But even as he advanced, even as he forced Splinter to attack in earnest, the disappointment did not leave his features. It was hidden behind anger, frustration, and fear, but to Splinter, it was as plain as the scars on his son’s face.

“You have improved greatly, my son. I am impressed with your progress.”

“Don’t.” Leo’s curt reply was cut between pants for air as sweat trickled down his brow. “Don’t say that when it’s not true. I haven’t improved at all!”

Splinter blocked as his son’s attacks became more intense, building speed and power with every strike. He could see the pain behind his son’s eyes growing, and it wasn’t from the blood seeping from his stumped shoulder. “You were gravely injured, my son. The fact that you are able to fight at all is—“

“It’s not enough!” Leo spun around, throwing an attack towards his Sensei’s unprotected left side, barely allowing him the chance to block low. “It’s been almost a year and it’s still not enough! I’m still…” His sentence fell off as his sword began to tremble.

Splinter moved swiftly as his son’s sword cleaved the air beside his right shoulder. He turned about as fast as his legs would allow, catching Leonardo’s blade just as it swiped at his chest. Splinter narrowed his eyes; it wouldn’t be long now. “What happened tonight was not your fault. Michelangelo—“

“—Only got hurt because he was protecting me! Because I wasn’t able to protect myself!”

“Would you not have done the same for him?”

“That’s different.”

“How so?”

“Because it’s my job!” Leo shouted, throwing another strike from below. “I keep them safe at all costs, not the other way around! Because I’m the oldest! I’m supposed to be the leader! And I can’t even—AAH!”

Leo’s frustration came full throttle, swiping down in an attack so intense he could have split through the concrete. Splinter caught the blade between both his hands, holding it as his son trembled.

The damn was finally bursting.

“They’re my younger brothers, Sensei. You told me to protect them… I have to protect them. I can’t even imagine a world where they…” His voice shook as much as his body, and finally his knees buckled beneath him and found the floor. “They’re not supposed to get hurt for me, Sensei. I’m not supposed to need their protection. I’m supposed to lead them. Keep them safe. And I can’t do that. Not with this.” He gripped his right shoulder, eyes closing to keep his emotions from falling out. “I keep failing! I keep failing myself, I keep failing them, and I—“ Leo looked up at his Father, eyes bleeding shame and guilt. “I keep failing you.”

His son’s expression was heartrending. But Splinter remained silent, waiting as Leo’s gaze fell to the floor, shoulders drooping from the weight of regret that pressed on him continuously.

“I don’t know what to do! I don’t know what to do if I can’t be out there with them! If I can’t…” Leo choked on a lump in his throat before continuing. “Protecting them is all I’ve ever known. All I’ve ever wanted. If I can’t do that…” He brought his hand to his face, covering the pain twisted in his features. “I’m sorry.” This was ridiculous. How far he had fallen in only one year…

Splinter tossed the katana aside, kneeling in front of his eldest. “Leonardo, look at me.” His tone was adamant, but gentle, bringing his son’s eyes to his, albeit reluctantly. “My son, you have failed no one. You saved your brothers’ lives in that prison, at great personal cost,” He placed a tender hand on his son’s stumped shoulder. “and have worked diligently to regain what strength was lost.”

“But—“

“Leonardo,” Splinter offered a fond smile. “The qualities you possess that make you a great leader have not diminished. They cannot be taken by the loss of an arm. You are more than your skill and physical prowess. . This—” He gestured towards the stumped shoulder. “—is merely an obstacle. One I am certain you will overcome, as you always do. And until then, there is no shame in allowing yourself to be helped by others.”

Seeing his son’s breath hitch with uncertainty and doubt, Splinter knew this was not an issue he could solve in an instant. But he could at least offer one last piece of advice. “My son, you cannot move on if you cling to what was lost. Set it aside. Focus on finding the qualities beyond the physical that make you a great leader.”

There was a lengthy pause as Leonardo clearly warred over whether or not to speak again. “Sensei…” His head fell as his shoulders quaked, fighting to keep himself in check. He let his head rest on his father’s chest, drawing closer to Splinter’s embrace and breathing deep to keep his emotions at bay as he finally asked the question that had plagued and scared him since he woke to a missing limb. “…What if I can’t protect them anymore?”

Finally.

Splinter placed a hand on the back of his son’s head, fervently hoping his words could permeate Leo’s self shame. “You have always found a way. I know you will again.” His son practically radiated doubt, so Splinter cupped his eldest’s chin in his paw, staring into his dark blue eyes. “Let go of your doubt, Leonardo. Believe in yourself. As your brothers believe in you. As I believe in you.”

Leo stared a moment before drawing his hands into fists and shakily replying, “Hai, Sensei.” He bowed his head respectfully, taking a deep breath. Splinter thought his son was composing himself when all of a sudden he was drawn into a tight hug, trembling arms holding him close and a meek voice whispering, “Thanks, Dad.”

Splinter smiled helplessly, wrapping his arms around Leo’s shell. So many things floated on his tongue to express to his son, but the moment was so overwhelmingly comforting, he didn’t want to disturb it. When finally Leo pulled from the embrace, he was greeted with a paw to his cheek as Splinter smiled warmly. “I am proud of you, Leonardo. So very proud.”

Leo smiled, and Splinter could see the shame was still in his eyes, as was the disappointment and fear. But there was light in them again. Hope. Determination. And with his eldest, that small spark was all that was needed to build on. Splinter couldn’t help but beam, trying to hide it behind a simple grin as he helped his son stand.

“Go to your brothers. Let Donatello take a look at your shoulder.”

Leo nodded, about to pick up his katana to put it away when he heard his name shouted in fear.

“Leo!!”

Both turtle and Master turned to see the younger siblings in the doorway of the dojo, Raph and Don keeping Mikey steady as he walked.

“Mikey?” Leo blinked, worry jumping into his features instantly as he laid eyes on the bandages around his head.

“You’re alright!” The young turtle pulled away from the others, staggering over to Leo who caught him in his arms, holding him upright.

“Mikey, what are you—“

“I thought… I thought you were…” Mikey buried his face into his brother’s plastron, gripping him tight, as though holding on for dear life.

Leo looked down at the youngest’s terrified form before glancing at Don with confused eyes.

“His concussion gave him a pretty bad nightmare.” Don answered the silent question. “Said he had to see you for himself to make sure you were alright.”

“I tried to tell him you were fine. That was one hell of a can of whoop-ass you opened on those Foot after he went down.” Raph crossed his arms as he leaned on the door frame, unable to keep himself from grinning at the memory.

Leo placed his hand on his brother’s head, drawing his attention. “I’m OK, Mikey. Thanks to you.” And you got hurt because of it. But the youngest refused to let go. Leo glanced at his Sensei, closing his eyes and sighing a deep breath.

Let the doubt go. Believe. As they believe.

“It’s OK, little brother. I told you,” He pulled Mikey closer, grateful for the presence of his family around him.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

~~~~~

Previous - - - Masterpost

So ends this saga. Thanks for reading. And remember, comments and critiques are always welcome (as well as edits or the like, I'm sure I've misspelled a word here or there. End of Line.

9 Months Later

Raph swiped down, attacking an invisible enemy from above and having to imagine the satisfying crunch of bone. What he wouldn’t give to have a thug to pound on right now.

Twisting to attack another ghost, Raph couldn’t stop playing the events of the day in his head. Like a drum pounding on his skull, it beat across his vision with every movement he made.

Again. It almost happened again.

Anger roiled in his stomach as he swung his sai around ferociously, begging for there to be a Foot or a Dragon there for him to—

He suddenly met resistance with a loud clang of metal against metal. Raph looked up to see his older brother standing in front of him, sword raised, fight stance in place, blocking his sai. Had Raph been in a more amiable mood, he might have grinned at the opportunity. But tonight wasn’t a time for grinning.

Tightening his fists around his weapons, Raph threw an attack from the left, forcing Leo to move his guard up and step back.

The spar had begun.

Normally, Raph was very careful when sparring with his brother. Since Leo’s amputation, his fighting prowess hadn’t been up to par, so Raph always made sure not to take things too far.

But not tonight. Tonight he was too heated. Angry. He needed something to attack without mercy and Leo had offered himself as a willing sacrifice.

The battle waged for what must have been an hour before Raph even registered the sweat dripping down his brow. He was too caught up in the fight. Too caught up in the memories.

In the fear.

A swipe to his right caught him off guard, and Raph had to twist to let his shell take the blow. He growled, turning around to lock weapons with Leo.

His martyrus older brother who seemed bound and determined to scare his brothers out of their wits.

Who didn’t follow orders because he knew better.

Knew better than Raph.

Outrage shot through Raph’s body, blinding him to reason. He used Leo’s careful guarding of his right shoulder to attack the left. When Leo blocked, Raph turned, ramming himself into his older brothers stumped limb, sending him skidding several feet.

It took Leo a moment to recover, hiding his pain behind a scowl. But when he looked up readying his sword for more, Raphael was no longer attacking with his weapons.

Only words.

“It was a bomb, Leo! I told you to get back, not run towards it! What if you hadn’t thrown it off the dock in time!? What if one of the soldiers got passed us and slowed you down!? What if—What the shell were you thinking!?”

Raph could feel his anger mounting as Leo just stood there, staring at him with that neutral expression plastered on his face.

“Do you have any idea how terrified Mikey and Don were? They thought we were gonna have to watch you blow yourself up! Again! We thought you were—Shell, you’re such an idiot!! I know you don’t trust me to lead, but you don’t have to get yourself killed to prove your point!! Why in the hell would you pull a stunt like that after everything we went through!? What the hell is the matter with you!?”

Raph was barely aware he was still speaking. His mind and emotions were running far faster than he could ever hope to keep pace with. Rage clouded his vision and for a moment, he could only feel pain. That terrifying pain in his chest like when he thought his brother had died.

When he’d watched Leo stay behind. When the doors had closed him in. When they drove off without him.

When the bomb had gone off.

“AHHH!” Raph shouted. Something loud and guttural and wordless, turning his shell to his brother and throwing his sai at the wall with enough force to penetrate deep into the concrete, sprouting cracks in all directions.

Control came back slowly as Raph huffed in deep gulps of air. When his vision finally cleared, he turned and saw Leo standing there, staring, shame written plainly on his face.

Shame. Raph couldn’t say it wasn’t deserved. He was a terrible leader. Every mission they’d been on since Raph took charge had been one disaster after another. He wasn’t good enough for this. Never could be.

Leo should be ashamed of him.

He was ashamed of himself.

He tensed when Leo started speaking, preparing for a fight.

“It’s terrifying, isn’t it? All that responsibility… it’s supposed to come with power, but more often than not it just makes you feel powerless. Because it doesn’t matter how much you train or how prepared you are or what strategies you think of, life is too unpredictable. People make choices that you can’t control, things happen that you weren’t expecting, and something almost always goes wrong.”

It was the tone of his voice more so than his words that caught Raph off guard. He turned slightly further towards his brother, still huffing deep breaths. Leo sounded so… small. It wasn’t right.

“That’s why it’s never about a successful mission. It’s never about how well you performed or what strategies worked or who did their job and obeyed orders.” Leo paused, his eyes finding the floor. “It’s about coming home. It’s about staying together and making sure everyone makes it back to their bed intact. Every time. If you can get everyone home alive, you’ve lead your team well. Done your job. And that’s all that can be expected of you.”

Raph was completely silent. Still. He couldn’t help but stare as Leo closed his eyes, the faintest of smiles on his face as he called forth a memory.

“About a month into our first patrols, I had a break down. I came to the dojo, kneeled before Sensei, and cried my eyes out.”

Raph’s eye ridges rose in surprise at the confession, but he said nothing.

“It was after our first encounter with the Foot. We all only barely made it home, and even a week after, I couldn’t shake that feeling… the fear of knowing I’d almost got you all killed. I didn’t sleep for almost ten days.”

A vague image of a younger Leonardo stumbling around the dojo with dark bags under his eyes bubbled to the surface of Raph’s memory. He remembered thinking at the time that Leo was just overworking himself with training, like usual. He had no idea…

“When I finally went to see Sensei about it, I cried, and I begged him to make someone else leader because I was too scared of failing again. That’s when he told me that success wasn’t in getting the mission done, it was in coming home. Staying together.” Shrugging, Leo admitted, “I still have trouble with it. I still can’t help but get angry or disappointed when a mission goes south or a patrol ends in disaster, because I know I should be capable of being successful and keeping you guys safe. But Sensei was right… the most important thing should always be coming home.”

Raph barely noticed the silence, his mind was too lost in the words Leo had spoken. He honestly couldn’t remember the last time his brother had been so open with him. If ever.

Suddenly, Raph felt a hand on his shoulder, and it was only then that he realized he’d been shaking. But he couldn’t tell which emotion was causing the tremble, rage or fear? Turning with a glare that was more stubborn than angry, he faced his brother.

“You’re a good leader, Raph. I’ve never thought otherwise. I don’t know why you don’t believe me, but it’s the truth. You’re learning strategy and restraint and level-headedness at a rapid rate and you’ve even managed to be more patient when Mikey jokes during a battle, which is something I still haven’t mastered.”

Raph would have smirked at that if he wasn’t so enwrapped in the fondness beaming from Leo’s eyes. When did he become so candid and forthcoming? And why did it mean so much to hear it? See it.

Feel it.

“The bomb wasn’t… it didn’t have anything to do with your leadership. I wasn’t trying to question your strategy, I just… I panicked.” Leo looked away a moment, something in his eyes that Raph couldn’t see, before turning back. “I couldn’t shake the feeling that we wouldn’t be able to fight our way out before it went off. But I saw the clock, judged the distance, and with you three holding the line, I knew I could get to the water in time to chuck it and run.”

Despite understanding the explanation and knowing he would have done the same thing, Raph still couldn’t help the twinge of irritation at his brother’s actions. “…It was still dangerous, Leo. Unnecessarily dangerous. If anything had gone wrong—“

“I know.” There it was again, shame creeping into his brother’s face. And for the first time, Raph began to realize it wasn’t aimed at him. But quick as it had come, it was hidden, and Raph didn’t have a chance to ask before Leo rendered him speechless again. “I’m sorry that I’ve made you think I don’t trust you. I do. You always keep them safe, and that’s what matters most.”

Raph’s shoulder’s hitched as he tried to hide how hungry his heart was to hear those words.

“And I’m sorry about tonight. I didn’t mean to—for any of this—…” Leo sighed heavily. “I’ll do better.”

Raph stared at his brother. He felt Leo squeeze his shoulder and couldn’t shake the feeling that it was to draw comfort for himself rather than give it to Raph. Time seemed to freeze as Raph went over Leo’s words in his head over and over, unable to stop his chest from tightening at the relief he felt in hearing how sincerely his brother trusted him.

But nothing compared to the knowledge that Leo was honestly making an effort not to be the martyr he usually was. He’d panicked and acted. Raph couldn’t really fault him for that. It was immeasurably weird to hear coming from Leo, but still… the realization that his older brother made mistakes too was more comforting than it should have been.

Finally unclenching his fists, Raph clamped his hand on his brother’s wrist that was still on his shoulder. “Never thought I’d live to see the day when you actually made a mistake, Fearless.”

“I make them all the time. I just blame them on Mikey.”

Both exchanged a smirk before Raph noticed blood dripping down Leo’s shoulder. His gaze drew Leo’s, who quickly covered it with his hand.

“Just hit a soft spot. Doesn’t hurt.”

But guilt still jolted through Raph’s veins. “I shouldn’t’ve—“

“I gave you the opening, not your fault for taking it.” Stepping away from his brother to pry the sai from the wall—which took more effort than expected—Leo looked the weapon over, eyeing the red leather hilt. “But if you still need to blow off some steam, I wouldn’t mind a rematch. Still can’t move fast enough to block on that side without leaving myself exposed.” He held the sai out to his brother, a glint in his eye. “I could use the practice.”

The tension in Leo’s shoulders as he spoke of his weakness was obvious. Looked like Raph wasn’t the only one in need of punching his way through some issues. And if sparring would help his brother, Raph was happy to oblige. He took his sai and spun it in his hand in sync with the other. “If you think you’re up to it. But I ain’t goin’ easy.”

“Didn’t ask you to.” Walking back to where his katana lay on the floor, Leo picked it up and held it a moment. With his shell to his brother, he knew Raph couldn’t see, so he allowed the irritation and disgrace to run through his eyes for a moment.

It was getting harder and harder to keep hidden. But Leo wasn’t willing to accept help just yet. Couldn’t. He’d clearly been burdening his family enough with worry and concern as of late, they didn’t need his self-doubt on top of it.

He could figure this out on his own. Had to.

For himself and for them.

Breathing deep and closing in the emotions, Leo turned to a ready stance, eyeing his brother with determination in his eyes. Raphael wouldn’t hold back. If Leo could hold his own against his brother, he would know he was improving.

“You ready to get your ass handed to you?”

Leo couldn’t help but grin at the smug smirk on Raph’s face. “Ready to watch you try.”

Raph snorted a quick laugh as he spun his sai again, dropping low to match Leo’s stance. With all the injuries they’d had to heal from this year, it felt like ages since he last sparred with his older brother. He was practically vibrating in anticipation. “Damn it’s good to have you back, Fearless.”

Leo was caught off guard by the sudden statement, but kept it off his face. His grin spread wide as he twirled his katana. “Give it ten minutes.”

The two held each other’s eyes for a moment, each determined to express what they never could in words:

I need this. I need you.

Seconds later, the dojo erupted with the clashing of metal and grunts of exertion that went on for several hours, neither brother willing to admit defeat.

Neither ready to leave the other’s company.

~~~~~~

Previous < - > Next

My interpretation of the turtles blood types (based entirely on human blood types because I know very little of turtle biology and whether or not they share the same antigens): Mikey is AB+ (can receive any blood type, but cannot donate to everyone), Donnie is A+ (can receive any A or O blood types, and can donate to A or AB), and Raph and Leo are O- (can donate to all blood types, but can only receive O- in return). That's my head cannon anyways. There's a detailed reason why, but for now lets just say... cause it's my story and I say so.

End of Line.