What You Wish For: Epilogue 2: Ghosts
This second āepilogueā of sorts is a gift to those still actually reading this angst monster. I thought you could use a little fluff after all that tragedy.
You may need to read chapter 12 again to understand where this one comes from, but it should still make sense on itās own.
~*~*~*~*~*~
āRaphael.ā
That snaps him back. His eyes spring open and he gasps like heās been holding his breath. He looks confused and⦠scared? The nerves on the back of my neck perk up immediately. Raph never lets his fear show so openly. Whateverās happening right now is serious. Ā
āLeo?ā
āYou alright?ā I try not to coddle, not wanting to make the situation worse. But the way his voice soundsāso lost and frightenedāis freaking me out. I actually wish heād go back to shouting at me instead. Ā
āWhat⦠What happened?ā
He still looks like heās about to collapse so I lead him over to the bench and help lower him downāhe doesnāt fight my assistance so now I know something is wrong. I make sure to keep my voice even as I explain. āYou were in the middle of cussing me out for following you tonight when you suddenly stopped talking and closed your eyes. You looked like you were about to pass out.ā
As I say it, I move quickly to check his eyes and forehead for signs of illness before he fully comes back to himself and pushes me away. āYou donāt have a fever, but your eyes look a little red. Is it a headache?ā I stand back slightly, fully expecting him to swipe my hand away and storm off or shout at me to stop worrying or something of an explosive nature. But he just keeps looking at me with wide, frightened eyes.
I canāt stand seeing that look on his face.
āRaph.ā He doesnāt answer and my gut is getting twitchier with worry by the second. āRaphael.ā His eyes move to my stomach, fear and pain from an unknown source plainly displayed for me to see. It scares me to see him like this. I donāt⦠I donāt know what to do. I want to help, but I donāt know whatās wrong. Iām about to go running for Sensei when something stops me dead in my tracks.
Tears start streaming down his face. Heās crying. Raph is crying. And I suddenly want to burn the world down to find whatever has done this to my brother. Ā
āRaph.ā
I breathe deep to keep my own emotions in check as I kneel in front of him with a hand on each shoulder, giving a firm squeeze while I try to catch his eyeline. I donāt care if heāll be angry, I just want him to know Iām here.
āIs there anything I can do?ā
I donāt know whatās hurting him, but I do know Raph hasnāt cried in front of me since were kids. Whatever this is⦠I want to help. I have toā
āWhy?ā
His voice is broken. My chest clenches tighter at the sound of it. I try to be as calm and even as I can. āYouāre crying.ā
I donāt think he noticed. Still doesnāt seem to. He just stares at me, eyes piercing my own with their pain.
Without thought, I wrap my arms around him, pulling him close as if my embrace could leech the pain from him and onto me. Itās an instinct as old as we are. Older brother instinct to hold onto him as tight as possible until the fear goes away. āIām here, bro. Whateverās going on⦠Iām here.ā I squeeze a little tighter, more for my own desperation than his. āIāve got you.ā
His body starts shaking.
āDammit, Leoā¦ā
I hold firm, pulling him closer.Ā
āDammit Leo!ā
I donāt know what else to do!
āDammit! LEOāā
āIām here, Raph!ā Iām shouting now too, my own desperation slipping into my voice because Iām suddenly certain that if I let go Iāll lose my brother forever. I squeeze even tighter as my voice tries to reach through his pain. āIāve got you.ā
It was like strings on a marionette suddenly snapping; his arms shoot out like being annexed from a cannon, wrapping around me with enough intensity to match my hold and then some. He buries his face in my shoulder and silently sobs, and itās all I can do to keep from tearing up myself.
I canāt remember ever seeing Raph like this since passing out of childhood. And Iām terrified at how powerless I am to help him.
So I just hold on, hoping that whatever has broken him, I can keep him together.
Suddenly thereās something in front of me. An apparition of my brother, or an echo or faint copy. Heās still in my arms, still clinging to me for dear life and crying into my shoulder. But his figment is also there. Staring at me with wide, frightened eyes.
No, not frightened. Daunted. He looks at me as though Iāve betrayed him; so much pain and horror in his eyes that it rattles my very soul.
āLEO! NO!ā
He reaches for me, but before I can attempt to reach back, heās gone. Disappears like smoke in the wind.
The silence of the room is crushing. I donāt understand whatās going on. I hold my brother tight, afraid heāll disappear too. Whatever this is, whatever is happening, I wonāt let it take him.
āRaph,ā I place a hand on the back of his head, still refusing to release my other arm from around his shell. āTalk to me. Tell me how I can help. Please.ā
The door to the dojo is abruptly flung open loudly and without care. I turn instinctively, placing myself between my brother and the entrance, still holding him close. My hand moves from his head to my katanaāwhy? Weāre at home, thereās nothing I should be afraid of. But Raph is crying and I canāt help him and none of this makes sense!ābut my panic fades when I see who steps into the doorway.
āSensei?ā
āMy son!ā Even from afar I can see the fear in his eyes. Had he seen the apparition of Raph too?
āSensei, I donāt know what happened. He just suddenlyāā
But our father isnāt staring at Raph, heās staring at me. The same mixture of terror and anguish in his features that Raph has.
A frightening sense of dread starts to crawl up my shell unbidden.
āā¦Sensei? Are you alright?ā
He stares a moment longer, reaching up and cupping my face with his hand. The tender gesture coupled with the tear that leaks from the corner of his eye only deepens my worry.
āLeonardoā¦ā He pauses, finally noticing the concern on my face, and takes a moment to compose himself, clearly tamping down some strong emotions. āAre you alright, my son?ā
Iām not entirely sure how to answer that. āā¦Hai, Sensei. Iām fine. Butā¦ā I look down to Raph, still clinging to me tightly with his eyes sealed shut and fully closed off to the world around him. I havenāt the first clue how to explain this. āRaph justāI donāt know what happened but heā¦ā But Sensei is still focused on me and I canāt stand that look of terror in his eyes. āDad, please⦠Whatās wrong?ā
I need to know whatās happening. I need to know how to protect my family.
āI⦠I am not entirely certain.ā He speaks slowly, processing as he goes. āI was reading, when I felt a pain appear from nowhere. A gaping hole in my spirit that I have only known once before⦠when I lost my family.ā His face wears his pain plainly.
āI donāt understand.ā
āYou were gone, my son.ā He looks me in the eyes, an intensity I canāt name shimmering brightly as he speaks. āI cannot explain it, but I knew for certain that you were no longer of this world. You had left us. It was so potent, so realā¦ā
He reaches again to cup my cheek, and all I can do is stare with wide confused eyes. Ā
āI am just so grateful I was wrong. You are still here, stillāā
āIām fine, Sensei.ā Iām trying to be as reassuring as possible because I know he wouldnāt act like this for no reason, but itās so strange to be in this kind of spotlight. And Iām really not the one he should be worried about right now. I look down at Raph again and Splinter finally follows my gaze.
He breathes deep, placing a hand on Raphās shell. āMy son, did you feel as I did? That something had happened to Leonardo?ā
But Raph is either unwilling or unable to answer.
I pull him in a little tighter. āWe were talking and he suddenly stopped and⦠He looked like he was about to pass out.ā
Iām not explaining this right. There was so much more to it. But I donāt want to betray his trust by blabbing to our father that heād been sobbing like a frightened child.
āRaphaelā¦ā Good, heās got his comforting tone that can pierce through anything. āMy son, please⦠can you tell me what has happened?ā
Silence falls, thick with worry. But Sensei sits with pure patience, his hand rubbing soft circles on Raphās shell to let him know heās here and willing to wait as long as necessary.
Meanwhile Iām quietly going out of my mind.
Raph is still clinging to me like if he lets go heāll die, his body is still quaking, and there are remnants of tears trickling down his cheeks. And every second that passes without helping him, without doing something to take away his pain, is rapidly eating away at me.
There has to be something I canā
But I know my brother well. I know if I try to force him to open up, heāll close off even more. Like Sensei is doing, we have to let him come to us on his own terms, in his own time. So I keep my desperation to myself, keep my hands firmly clamped around him so he knows Iām not going anywhere, and silently pray for this all to be over soon.
Iāll happily listen to him cuss me out again if it just means heās okay.
I focus on my breathing, keeping it calm and steady so Raph canāt tell Iām silently panicking. Though Iām pretty sure Sensei is picking up on it. His eyes meet mine again and I see the fading remains of his terror, but he offers his most reassuring smile and it helps settle me a bit. Sensei can help him. Whatever is going on, Sensei canā
āRaphael.ā Splinter speaks softly as my younger brother finally stirs, pulling away from my grasp with his eyes fixed squarely on my stomach. āAre you alright?ā
He mumbles a stifled āMāfineā as he turns away and wipes the tears from his face. I try not to stare, I know he get embarrassed about this sort of thing, but I canāt take my eyes off him until I know heās alright.
āCan you tell us what happened?ā
Senseiās tone is endlessly patient, and yet void of patronization. Someday heāll have to teach me how he does that.
He almost starts to speak, but his eyes clip mine and he clams up again.
āI can go,ā I offer, despite everything in me not wanting to. āso you two can talk.ā
Raph doesnāt say anything, but he stares at me intently. Thereās clear desperation in his body, I just canāt tell if itās for me to stay or leave.
āPerhapsāā Sensei doesnāt get to finish his sentence before thereās a loud, horrified shout, coming near the dojo door.
āLEO!? Leo where ARE YOU!?!ā
āIn here.ā I call, noting that his voice is getting more terrified with each word. The minute he spots me, I see the same anguish. The same heart-stopping pain that the others had. Heās radiating it. āMikeyā¦ā
His eyes are already filled with tears. My chest tightens at the sight of him. Ā
āLEO!ā
He stumbles into the room, tripping over his own feet as he falls down beside me, immediately clamping his arms around my neck and hugging for all heās worth.
It takes a good amount of effort not to fall over, but I keep us both upright as best I can as he squeezes the oxygen right out of me. āCanāt breathe, Mikey.ā Iām fully expecting him to come back at me with a quip or a joke of some sort, but he doesnāt say anything. He just kneels beside me, arms wrapped around so tight I canāt move, and sobbing into my shoulder so hard youād think his whole world just collapsed. āMikeā¦ā
āL-Leo⦠You⦠Y-Youāre here. Youāre⦠Y-You wereāā He blubbers incoherently between sobs.
I want to comfort, but I still donāt understand whatās going on. Maybe words arenāt what he needs right now. Maybe he just needs big brother. I fold one arm around his shell and place my other hand on his head, holding him close and letting him weep. āItās okay, Mikey⦠Iām okay.ā
I take a deep breathāor as deep a breath as I can manage with my baby brother coiling around me like a snakeāand let it out slowly, continuing the pattern in the hopes that Mikey will follow suit and calm his crying a little. It takes a few more minutes, but eventually it works. And after a few deep breaths and trailing whimpers he releases his strangle hold and grasps my shoulders, pulling back to look me over with tears still pouring from his eyes and sobs only barely held at bay in the back of his throat.
āAre you okay!? Are you hurt!? Donāt you dare try to hide it, if youāre hurt you have to tell us now!ā
āIām fine.ā But heās not listening as his eyes fall to my stomach, staring at it with horror like itās the source of all his worst nightmares.
Just like Raph.
I reach my hands up to cup his face and force him to look at me. āMikey, Iām okay. Nothing happened to me. I wasnāt even overexerting while training. Hereāā I place his hand on my neck so he can feel my pulse, making sure itās nice and steady despite my concern. āSee? Perfectly healthy.ā
His eyes are still wide and worried. āYouāre sure? Youāre not⦠Youāreā¦ā
āIām fine. I promise.ā
He doesnāt even hesitate for a moment. The words barely leave my lips and he buries himself in my chest, arms wrapped around my shell in a vice grip again as the tears fall freely. Iām hoping this time itās more relief than anything else.
I stroke his shell like I do to soothe him when heās sick. It takes another few minutes, but he eventually calms down and relaxes into a gentler hold.
I glance beside me to see how Raphās doing, but he immediately averts his eyes to floor. Anywhere but on me. Thereās something in his body language thatās bothering me. Something heās trying to hide or doesnāt want to admit. Something⦠guilty?
āWhat happened, Leo? Why did it feel like you were gone?ā Mikey whispers, his voice heavy with fear. Ā
āWe have asked that very same question, my son.ā Sensei, thankfully, answers first.
āYou guys felt it too?ā
āYes.ā Sensei nods grimly. āIt came out of nowhere, but it was incredibly⦠real. The fact that all three of us felt it so potently means it cannot have been a figment or a trick. But what could cause such a sensation?ā
Mikey looks to our angrier brother and prods gently. āYou too? You felt Leo⦠go?ā
Raph doesnāt reply. Just folds his arms in front of his chest and glares deeper at the floor.
āWas it his stomach?ā
Raphās eyes whip over to Mikeyās with intensity and fear rippling through them.
Mikey only nods solemnly, apparently getting all the confirmation he needed from that reaction. But neither of them elaborate, so I have to ask.
āWhat about my stomach?ā
āI donāt know.ā Mikey lowers his head back to my chest as he talks, like heās listening for a heartbeat. āI think⦠I think you were hurt there. I remember seeing blood on your stomach. Or feeling it? I donāt⦠I donāt know⦠it was so real, but so vague at the same time. The only thing I knew for sure was that you wereā¦ā His arms tighten around me as his voice trails off, unable or unwilling to finish the thought.
I pat his shell to reassure him Iām still alright, but Iām too lost in my own thoughts to comment or comfort. None of this makes any sense. We donāt have any enemies that can toy with our emotions like this, so it canāt be an outside force. And all of them felt the same thing at the same time, so it canāt be a hallucination or something internal.
Even if it was, that still wouldnāt explain the apparition of Raph that I saw. Reaching for me with desperation in every muscle and terror in every feature.
I shake my head. Clearly this isnāt something we can solve at the moment. But I can still try to take the fear from them. Distract them from it. At least for a bit. āWell whatever it was, itās gone now. Iām okay,ā I pat Mikeyās head to make sure he looks at me as I say it. āweāre all safe, so I say we take our minds off it all with a movie marathon. Mikeyās choice.ā
That perks him up a bit, though not as much as I thought it would. And heās still not letting go of me.
āMarvel movie marathon?ā
He asks, only a hint of excitement in his voice. This sort of thing would normally get him completely riled up.
āAn excellent idea, my sons.ā Sensei places a gentle hand on Raphās shoulder, his voice back in that space of understanding without sounding patronizing that I can never achieve. āWould you join us, Raphael?ā
He still doesnāt say anythingāhasnāt said a word this entire time and itās making every nerve in my body stand on edgeābut he moves to stand, I think waiting for us to go first.
āCome on, Mikey.ā I say as I gently remove my baby brother enough so I can stand. He still keeps his arms glued around my torso, but at least I can move. āWhich one do you want to watch firā?ā
I donāt get to finish because thereās a large flash of light in front of us that comes out of nowhere. I pull my brother behind me and stand in front of my family, my katanas unsheathed in an instant. With my nerves as on edge as they are, it takes a few seconds for me to recognize the person who steps out of the light.
Mikey makes the connection first, stepping from behind me with an understandable amount of surprise in his voice. āRenet?ā
āOh thank the multi-verse, youāre all okay!ā She lunges in to hug Mikey while I step away and sheath my swords. āIām so sorry! Iām so SO sorry! I swear I didnāt mean to! Can you ever forgive me!?ā
Mikey looks to the three of us who all shrug in unified confusion. He pats her back. āUh, sure! What are we forgiving you for?ā
My nerves finally calm enough for my mind to think clearly. āThat was you? Youāre the reason they all thought I was dead?ā
Sensei had clearly already put it together, but the other two stare in shock. Or in Raphās case, anger. Ā
āYes.ā She says sheepishly as she pulls away and rubs her arm, obviously embarrassed and upset by the whole thing. āIt was an accident, I swear! I never meant for the two to touch, and it was only for a second! I wasnāt even sure you guys would feel anything, I thought maybe you would have thought it was a dream like the other guys did, but as soon as everything was aligned again I came right here to make sure you were alright, andāgosh, Iām so so sorry! That must have beenāI canāt even imagine having to feel all that when youāre notāIām soāā
āMs. Renet,ā Master Splinter thankfully interrupts her tirade with a calm tone, gesturing towards the door. āPerhaps you could explain in full over a cup of tea.ā
She scolds herself again before turning to Sensei with another apology in her eyes. āYes, Iām sorry, Iām ahead of myself again, arenāt I? Tea would be great.ā
We all head towards the kitchen, Mikey moving in step beside me so he can latch onto my arm again, fear of whatever Renet did still clearly lingering in his mind. Raph follows behind, head down and eyes wide, too curious to stay behind but too embarrassedāor frightened or⦠somethingāto make any sort of eye contact.
Just keep calm. Iām sure it wasnāt a big deal. Everyone will be back to normal within the hour.
I canāt get Raphās tears out of my mindā¦
~*~*~*~*~*~
āI was only trying to take a closer look, but I must have bumped the timeline ever so slightly. It shifted and overlapped with yours for a second. Simultaneous fixed it right away, but by then I guess you guys had already felt the effects.ā She taps the side of her tea cup nervously, apology number twenty five about to leave her lips, when Mikey cut in.Ā
āSo⦠what we felt⦠it really happened? In that other timeline?ā
āYes.ā
āThen they⦠they were really feeling all that. The other usās. In that world, they were feeling all those things we felt.ā His voice is so tentative, had I not been looking, I never would have guessed it was Mikey talking. āBecause something happened to their Leo⦠right?ā
Renet takes a long moment to think. Unusual for her, but Iām guessing she was trying to avoid causing any more trouble by answering things she shouldnāt. Finally, she nods her head.
I have so many questions about the whole thing, but I know better than to ask. I know what I need to: the others felt something I didnāt, which means they were all alive in that other timeline to feel it. So whatever happened, they were safe.
Thatās all that ever matters to me.
Mikey grips my hand, pulling me from my thoughts, as he asks the question heās been trying to ask for ten minutes. āIs⦠Is their Leo dead?ā
I think we all know the answer, but thereās still a palpable tension as we wait for Renet to respond. She only nods her head solemnly, but the solid confirmation still seems to steal the air from the room.
Suddenly everyoneās eyes are on me and I can feel my skin crawling from the attention. But I donāt say anything. Not even as Mikey moves my arm to wrap himself around my torso in a hug I doubt Iāll be free from any time soon. Whatever they need for comfort, I want to be here. Even if I hate how theyāre looking at meā¦
āHow did it happen?ā
Itās the first time Raphās spoken since the dojo. Renet shifts uncomfortably in her seat, clearly still warring with how much information to tell and how much to hold back. āI donāt think I shouldāā
āHow?ā
Raphās tone doesnāt exactly brook room for an argument, but I donāt think we should get into details. Mikeyās going to be having nightmares as it is. āMaybe itās best if weāā but I stop as soon as I catch Raphās gaze. He needs this⦠he needs to know. I donāt know why, but if itāll help⦠āājust get the basics. We donāt need any details.ā
Renet gives me a look, silently asking if I really think she should. I honestly donāt want her to, but this isnāt about me, is it? I give her a subtle nod.
āHeā¦ā She begins quietly, looking at everyone before she speaks as if waiting for an objection. āHe was shot. By a Purple Dragon.ā
I glance around to see everyoneās reaction. Mikey flinches like he could feel the bullet himself. Sensei breathes out a long breath, like he does when heās trying to keep calm. Raph doesnāt react at all. His eyes fall back to the floor and his whole body tenses, but it was almost like he⦠anticipated the answer.
Renet waits a moment to allow it all to sink in before gulping in a deep breath. āI really should get back.ā She stands, bowing to everyone. āIām so SO sorry! It will never happen again, I swear!ā
āPlease Ms. Renet, do not apologize further.ā Sensei comes beside her and pats her shoulder. āWe do not fault you, it was an accident. And we appreciate you coming to explain. It is a great weight off our shoulders to not be left wondering what it was.ā
That seems to relax her a bit, but one glance back at Mikey and Raph puts the regret right back on her face.
āThanks Renet.ā I canāt stand with Mikey gripping me like he is, but I offer her a sincere smile. āCircumstances aside, it was nice to see you again.ā
āYou too.ā She smiles back, waving to everyone once more before activating her scepter and disappearing without a trace.
Silence descends on the lair again. Everyone too lost in their thoughts to speak.
I just feel⦠relieved. Morbid though it may be, Itās incredibly comforting to know that my brothers are all safe, even in other worlds. That Iām the one to be taken, not them.
Iāll never say it out loud. It would only upset them.
I wait a few more minutes for everyone to process before placing my hand on Mikeyās head to get his attention. āHey, why donāt we make tonight a camp out? We can pile our beds in the living room for our movie marathon and sleep there tonight.ā
āTogether?ā
I nod, noting the fear still radiating from him.
āCan we order pizza?ā
āItās not a camp out without pizza.ā
Heās still distracted, still gripping my am like he canāt let go, but his eyes light up a bit. āI call dibs on picking the first movie!ā
āYouāll have to be quick then,ā We all start moving to the living room, away from the conversation with Renet. āI think itās Donās turn toāā
We all suddenly gasped in a breath, freezing in our tracks.
Iād been so preoccupied withāI hadnāt even thought ofā
āWhere is Donatello?ā Splinter asks, keeping a composed face. Ā
āAprilās.ā Mikey pipes in quickly, long past not trying to be frantic. āHe said they were working on some new formula or machine or something.ā
I take a subtle breath trying to collect myself before calming the room . āLetās not panic. Maybe he didnāt feel it like you guys did. Maybe you had to be in the room or something.ā Iām not even convincing myself. āOtherwise heād have tried to call one of us.ā
I left my phone in the dojo when I went to confront Raph, so I look to my two younger brothers intently.
Mikey feels around himself. āI think I left mine in my room.ā
We turn to Raph who has already reached for his phone, the screen blank and black. āI⦠turned it off before I left the lair.ā
So I wouldnāt be able to call him, Iām sure. Not the time for that now.
We wait entirely impatiently as he turns it on, the screen lighting up and taking eons to load.
Thirty-two missed texts.
Seventeen missed calls.
āOh god, Donnieā¦ā Mikey whispers with worry engulfing his tone again. āHe must think youāreā¦!ā
Again, he doesnāt finish the sentence.
I no longer have patience enough to sit here and wait. āHow long has it been since this all started?ā Maybe I can catch him before he leaves Aprils.Ā Ā
āThirty minutes or so.ā Sensei replies. He places a hand on my shoulder, reading my mind the way only he can do. āLet us give him a call first. He may already be on his way home.ā
I donāt want to wait. I want to make sure heās alright. But I feel guilty arguing with any of them after the night theyāve had, so I nod and turn back to Raph, hoping heās already dialed.
He doesnāt even get the number punched in before thereās a loud, desperate, cry from the garage entrance.
āLEO!ā
āDon, Iām here! Iāmāā
He rounds the corner into view and my chest lurches at the sight of him. He looks haggard and exhausted, eyes red, cheeks stained with tears, and puffing like heās just finished running a marathon. His eyes lock on mine immediately, shock and terror still plastered there for all to see.
āLeo!ā
I think he meant to run to me, but his legs collapse beneath him as soon as he moves. I barely have time to stop him from unceremoniously crashing to the floor with my shoulder under his arm and my hand on his chest. āWhoa, Donnie, easy! Take a breath.ā
āYouāre here! Youāreāā
Heās cut off by a sudden sob, and I can tell heās been holding it in for a while. I should have thought to call him earlier. The way heās looking at me with such pain⦠I canātā¦
My arms grip him in a solid hug, both to hold him up and to let him know Iām really here. I wonāt let go until heās ready. Until heās let his panic wash through him.
Sensei lets us have a moment before coming beside Don and placing a hand on his shell. āYour brother is alright, my son. It was not his loss you felt.ā
Donās clearly not convinced. He suddenly pulls from my grip, grabs my shoulders with both hands, and begins scanning every inch of me for injury. āWhat happened!? Why didnāt anyone answer their phone!? Was it something to do with wherever Raph ran off to tonight?ā
āNo, nothing like that.ā I notice Raph flinch away at the accusation but remain quiet. Odd. Normally heād opt for a more audibly defensive reaction. āIām sorry, Don. It wasāā
āWhere are you hurt? What was it, a gun or a knife? Whatā¦ā His voice trails off as his gaze falls to my stomach, staring the same way Mikey and Raph had earlier.
āItās okay dude.ā Mikey pipes in, maybe he noticed the same look. āItās a crazy story, but it ends with Leo being okay. Well, our Leoā¦ā His eyes fall a bit as Don blinks in confusion.
āOur Leo?ā
āLet us have a seat.ā Sensei ushers us into the living room, encouraging Don to take some more deep breaths before Mikey launches into a full explanation. Itās a lot to take in, but Don seems to follow with no trouble. He listens intently, his eyes flitting across all three of us, and always landing on me. I can tell heās fluctuating through a gambit of emotions, but by the end of the tale thereās at least a small hint of relief.
Though not as much as I had hoped.
āThat makes sense, I suppose.ā He finally replies, his gaze landing on me for the umpteenth time. He sits in silence a moment before asking. āWhat happened to their Leo?ā
Everyoneās eyes seem to find the floor at the same time. Not mine. I donāt mind saying it. Though I try to sound as delicate as I can, for their sakes. āHe was shot during a mission. Apparently he didnāt make it.ā
Again, Don does the same thing Mikey did, his eyes finding my stomach and staring.
I stand from the couch. āI am not him. I am perfectly fine. So Iām going to go order the pizza. You guys can get the beds set up.ā
I leave as quick as I can without drawing attention, subtly avoiding Mikey on my way out so he doesnāt have a chance to glom onto my arm again.
I need a minute away from their looks of pain and fear.
I need a minute to breathe without them staring.
I need them to be okay again.
~*~*~*~*~*~
By the time I get back with pizza in hand (thanks to a very concerned April, who stayed behind in the kitchen to hear the explanation from Master Splinter) the living room is piled full with futon mattresses, mounds of pillows, and just about every blanket in the lair.
Mostly Mikeyās doing, I assume.
Don looks like heās getting the TV set up, albeit with less dexterity than usual.
And Raph doesnāt look like heās moved. At all. Heās just sitting there, staring at the floor again, shoulders hunched and fists tense. He looks like a rubber band about to snap. But itās not anger tensing his musclesāIāve seen that enough to know the differenceāthis looks more defeated. Guilty. And for the life of me, I canāt figure out why. Is he embarrassed about crying in front of me? Did the events of tonight make him feel bad about running off before hand?
I want to ask. Whatever weight has settled on his shoulders thatās holding him down like this, I want to take it. But I also donāt want to poke the bear, so I hold my questions for another time.
āPizzaās here.ā I announce, not at all excited to have their eyes back on me. Mikey doesnāt leap over furniture to nab the first slice and if that isnāt an indication of how down they still are, nothing is. āMovie ready?ā They nod, but no one offers any further comment and shell I wish I could just snap them out of this. āWhich one did you go with?ā
āIron Man. I like it when Don points out in detail the corrections needed to make Tonyās suit in real life.ā Mikey says, more mechanically than anything else. No enthusiasm or mockery in his tone at all.
āSounds like fun.ā Patience. Give them time. Theyāll forget about this and get back to normal soon. Let them process.
I sit in the middle of the couch, fully expecting Mikey to want to cuddle and Don to be close, if not touching. They do, sitting on either side of me, Mikey not hesitating to wrap around my arm and snuggle in.
Raph doesnāt move from his spot.
I canāt help a small sigh. Patience.
The movie starts and I send a silent prayer to the universe that this is enough of a distraction for them to return to some semblance of normal.
Please. Just wipe the pain away for a while.
But my pleas go unanswered. Weāre fifteen minutes into the movie and not a single person has said a word. Don hasnāt corrected any of the science, as was promised, Mikey hasnāt laughed at a single quip, and Raph seems to have one eye on the movie and one on the ground, bouncing between the two. I know for a fact Iāve never watched a movie in total silence before. Not with my brothers around.
I glance around at all three of them, not even having to look close to see the pain and fear still wiggling along the lines in their faces.
I canāt take it anymore. I have to do something.
āOkay, enough.ā I announce loudly, pausing the movie and standing to face them. āClearly we need to talk about this. There has to be something I can do to make you all feel better.ā They look away and it takes far too much effort than it should for me to keep from shouting.
My patience is quickly unravelling into maddening worry.
Thereās a long pause before Mikeyāprobably sensing how out of my mind Iām gettingāspeaks up. āWeāre just⦠scared. That feeling was so real. It really felt like⦠like you were gone.ā
āIām not.ā That came out a bit too curtly. I try again, softer. āIām right here. And I donāt plan on going anywhere. So stop looking at me like Iām dying.ā They all flinch at the word. āPlease.ā
It takes a long minute, but Don speaks up this time. āIt may not have been you, but itās very much something you would do.ā
āWhat do you mean?ā
āLeo, can you name a single mission where you havenāt done something risky to keep us safe?ā
āYes.ā
Even Raph checks in long enough to fix me with a dead pan stare on that one.
āItās not every mission.ā I qualify, because I donāt appreciate the assumption that all my missions fail at some point. āBut I get your point. What of it?ā
āIām just saying,ā Don continues, a little more assertive this time. āThat what happened to that other Leo isnāt out of the ordinary or the possible for you. Youāre just as protective, just as thoughtless of your own life when weāre involved. So seeing it happen to another youāā
āHow do you know Iāheāwas protecting youāthem.ā This is starting to give me a headache.
Don pauses to glance at Mikey who pulls his head back, like he hadnāt considered that. āI⦠I donāt know. You were on a roof, and you were shot in yourā¦ā
They all stare at my stomach again and itās all I can do to not sigh loud enough for them all to hear.
āI donāt know how I know, I just do.ā Mikey says firmly. āI know it was awful, I know it hurt so much I wanted to die, and after feeling all that, I know that if it happens to you, Iām never going to---ā His voice cracks as tears brim in his eyes and my heart drops instantly.
Don scoots over on the couch to pull Mikey into a half hug, his own face a half-masked mirror of the pain now dripping down our baby brotherās cheeks.
I donāt know what to say. Weāve had this conversation beforeāalternate dimensional families asideāand thereās nothing more I can say on the matter. Theyāre my little brothers. Iām the eldest. The leader. And if I have to jump in front of a bullet to keep them safe, then Iāll absolutely do it. No regrets. And hearing that it happened to another me somewhere out there in another world doesnāt change that.
If anything, it solidifies it.
But none of that is what they want to hear right now.
I slowly release the breath Iāve been holding, crouching in front of Mikey on the couch. āIām sorry,ā I keep my voice as level and soft as I can. āIām sorry you all had to experience that. And Iām sorry I canāt make you feel better about it. Because youāre right, I absolutely would do what that Leo did if it meant keeping you safe. Thatās my job, my top priority, and I donāt begrudge it even a little bit. Iām sure he didnāt either.ā
Mikey chokes on another sob and Don gives me an annoyed youāre-not-helping look.
Get to the point, Leo.
āBut right now Iām here.ā I place a hand on Mikeyās shoulder to draw his attention. āIām here, Iām safe, and I plan to continue to be for a very long time. Until weāre old and hobbled and Don has crazy white hair like Einstein and Raphās idea of a workout is climbing the stairs to his room.ā
He chokes out a surprised laugh as Don chuckles and I smile at the small victory.
āYou promise youāll be around that long?ā
Mikeyās using his big puppy eyes because he knows I have troubles saying no to them.
But I donāt want to make empty promises just to make them feel better. āMikey, I canāt promise. Bad things happen whether we want them to or not. Especially in our line of work. But you canāt live your life in fear. Iām constantly terrified that youāll all get hurt on a mission, but that doesnāt make me keep you from going on them.ā Once again Raph sends a glare my way, so I add a resigned āMostly.ā
āWhat I can promise,ā I continue. āIs that I will do my best to keep myself safe. I will keep martyrdom and self-sacrifice as an absolute last resort option only.ā They still donāt seem convinced, so I give Mikeyās hand a light squeeze and sigh before admitting. āContrary to popular belief, I donāt want to leave you either. Iād miss my brothers. Even the loud angry one over there.ā
āHe means you, Don.ā Mikey jokes and they both smile again.
Then Mikey slides off the couch and pulls himself against my chest, his arms wrapped tightly around my shell. I wasnāt expecting it, so it takes a moment for me to relax into the touch and let my arms fall around his shoulders. āWe love you, Leo. So much.ā He squeezes a bit tighter.
I donāt get a chance to reply before Don joins us on the floor, cloaking himself around my shoulders. I shift one arm to hug his shell as he says, āWeāre so glad youāre still here.ā
A smile creeps across my face, unbidden. I feel my brothersā affection radiating like a heat wave. Itās immensely comforting, despite my distaste for this type of attention.
Only my brothers can make me feel this wonderful. This special. This necessary. I pull them in a little closer.
āI love you too, little brothers.ā I look over to Raph, who is at least looking at us and not the floor. āAll of you.ā And his eyes fall away again.
One battle at a time.
Our group hug lasts a little longer than Iām used to, but I donāt dare break it. I donāt even want to imagine if I had felt one of them goingā¦
Eventually we settle back on the couch and resume the movie. When Splinter and April join us, weāre half-way through, both Mike and Don chatting away as they usually would, and the world is finally feeling right again.
Mostly.
I peek in Raphās direction to see him at least looking at the movie, if not really watching it.
As the night goes on, April heads home after a phone call from Casey (who had apparently been asleep and thought the whole thing was a crazy nightmare) and Sensei heads off to bed. He runs a hand fondly over my head on his way out, offering me a smile that just gushes relief and love. I send a silent smile back.
Around the time we start our third movie (Thor, since Mikey insisted we watch in order) weāve shifted to laying on the mattresses and pillows. Mikey promptly falls asleep laying across my lap like a cat. Not the most comfortable position for me propped up on some pillows, but Iām not going to complain. Don follows suit shortly after, leaning against my left arm with his head on my shoulder and his hand on my wrist, like heād been keeping track of my pulse. Only one brother remains, and he still hasnāt moved from his spot on the couch.
Nowās my chance, I suppose. āDo you want to talk about it?ā
āNo.ā
His body language affirms his response, his arms folding tighter and his shoulders hunching higher. I want to let it go, let him work through it however he wants, but I canāt get the image of him crying in the dojo out of my mind. There has to be something I can do. There has to.
So I walk into the lions den.
āIām sorry⦠that you had to go through allāā
āI said, I donāt wanna talk about it.ā
āOkay.ā I give it a moment. āYou know I wonāt tell anyone aboutāā
āDammit Leo!ā He stands, his hands already curled into fists and anger rippling through his shoulders. āI donāt wanna talk aboutāā
āOkay!ā I use a forced whisper and gesture with my free hand at our two sleeping siblings before giving him the āshhā finger. āI just think it would be healthy to discuss it now rather than later. But if youād prefer to brood, then go ahead. Just be quiet about it.ā
He doesnāt sit back down.
The movie continues and I do my best to at least look like Iām staring at the TV and not Raph. Heās moved beside the couch so I canāt see him in my periphery now, but I can still feel his tension looming. Can almost hear his muscles tensing.
I should back off. Iām clearly not helping. But he hasnāt stormed off yet. If he really didnāt want to talk, heād have stomped off to his room, knowing I canāt move with our brothers asleep on top of me.
Maybe just one more poke.
āIf you wonāt talk to me, you should at least talk to Senseiāā
āFor the love ofā I donāt want to talk about it! Ever! I donāt want to relive it, okay!? Not with you, not with Sensei, not with anyone!ā
āOkay.ā His defensiveness is different. Less angry and more fearful. And thereās that underlying current of something again. Guilt, maybe? āButā"
āWhat!?ā He interrupts, probably expecting me to lecture.
āJust⦠Iām here. If you need to talk or vent or anything⦠Iām here.ā
I shift enough so I can partially see his face and itās pale, like heās seen a ghost. His eyes go wide, his hands clench tight, and he looks like he wants to run screaming from the room.
Oh shell, is it happening again!?
Before I can ask, he closes his eyes, grits his teeth, and snarls in a long breath, turning away so I can only see his shell. āStill hereā¦ā
A long stretch of silence follows. I donāt dare speak. I can see his fists trembling ever so slightly.
āItās what you saidā¦ā He finally says, his voice rough and jagged, almost quaking like his hands. āWhat he said to meāthe other meābefore heā¦ā
I want to ask the obvious question, but I wait, almost holding my breath while silently wishing to calm his.
āIt was my fault.ā
His voice is so small, guilt like a tidal wave almost drowning it out.
āI could only get pieces of it, but I saw⦠You were protecting me. Youāheāgot shot protecting meāthe other me.ā He rubs a hand down his face in frustration before sighing roughly. Sadly. āIt was my fault. And Iā¦ā
He finally turns to face me, his eyes finding my stomach and staring intently. His face is laden with pain and fear and heartache, just like it was in the dojo earlier.
Oh Raph.
āYou protectinā me when I didnāt ask for it is nothing new.ā He continues, slowly, deliberately. Itās clearly taking effort to get his emotions in check. āBut I never⦠I never thought youād⦠because of me⦠I never⦠I mean what if it had happened tonight? What if you following me got youā¦ā He turns his back to me again. āThe guilt and the pain, I felt it all through him. The other me. I felt it⦠and I know, I couldnāt live with myself ifā"
His voice cracks and it takes every ounce of control I have not to wiggle out from Mike and Don and run over to him.
Heād probably hate that anyway.
Silence settles over the room.
I can feel Raph from here, feel his fear radiating out. Heās really scared. For me. My stubborn, angry, closed off younger brother, was crying in the dojo because heād thought heād lost me. And he thought it was his fault.
āIām sorry.ā I face forward again, distracting myself with the movie as I speak. āIām sorry I do that. Play martyr, I mean. Jump in front of danger.ā
He scoffs. āNo youāre not.ā
āI am. Not for being protective,ā I think Iāve made that very clear. āBut for not thinking about how much my choices would affect you all. I guess⦠I guess I sometimesā¦ā I pause, not really wanting to admit to this at all. But heās had to be open with me today, seems only fair to return the favor. āI sometimes forget that you all care about me as much as I do you.ā
I canāt see his face, but I hear the sharp inhale he takes. Heās either angry, shocked, or both.
Maybe I shouldnāt have said anything. āIām not trying to point fingers or say you donāt show it. I know you all care. Itās just⦠I spend so much time playing leader with you allāmaking sure Mikey trains, making sure Don sleeps, making sure you donāt run offāthat I sometimes forget that Iām also a brother. That you guys want me for more than just leadership.ā Even now that voice of doubt wants to creep in.
āLeoā¦ā Mikey whispers in his sleep, almost on cue, as he shifts in my lap. I put a hand to his shell to help settle him, let his subconscious know Iām still here. The movement prompts Donās hand to squeeze mine tighter while still lost to slumber. The way they both cling to me now, the way they looked at me beforeā¦
I canāt believe I ever doubted.
āI have no desire to die, Raph. Not anytime soon, anyway. Iād be too afraid of being without you all. Iā¦ā The day must be getting to me, because I feel tears welling in my eyes that I quickly pat down. āI really am nothing without my brothers. Iād miss you⦠all of you. Desperately.ā I donāt know if I said that loud enough for him to hear. But it felt good to say it out loud.
Raph is silent.
I turn to find the space where he stood now empty. He must have had enough and gone to bed. Canāt say I blame him. I hope heās okay⦠I hope some of what I said got through.
I just want him to beā
Suddenly something removes the pillows from behind me and presses against my shell. I turn enough to see Raphās bandana tails on my shoulder as he sits shell to shell with me on the mattress.
It takes a long moment for him to speak. And when he does, itās soft and quiet. Like heās hoping I wonāt hear it. āWeād miss you, too. You. Not your leadership or whatever⦠you. We need you, Leo.ā
I take a moment to let that sink in, my shoulders releasing some of their tension.
Raph abruptly raps the back of his head against mine, his voice back to itās usual gruff gravel. āIf you think weād be okay without you, youāre an idiot.ā
āYouād manage.ā
āWeād hate it.ā
āI know.ā
Another long silence follows, and I can feel Raph relaxing more and more against my shell. I lean into the contact.
Glancing down at Mikey and over to Don, a smile tugs at my lips as I feel a warmth spread readily through my chest. Pragmatic as I am, Iām not always one to see the positives in a situation (I look to Mikey for that), but I will never not be grateful for the family Iāve been blessed with. For my brothers. They can be annoying, mean, and a downright pain in the shell, but they are truly the greatest gift Iāve been given.
I love them more than I know how to say.
And moments like this, moments when I see they love me just as much, are the moments I feel most unworthy. Most grateful.
I lean my head back to rest on Raphās, one hand on Mikeyās shell and one held by Don, and I breathe deep, my smile growing wider as I close my eyes to everything else.
āWeāre glad youāre still here.ā
āMe too, guys. Me tooā¦ā
~*~*~*~*~*~
Previous
Ze End. Hopefully. Iāve said that before with this story and it continued for 17 chapters and 2 epilogues. Ha.
Thank you to all who have stayed with this story, and especially those who comment (few though you may be). Iāve very much needed your kind words to get through these last few years.
Hereās hoping the next story is easier. And maybe less angsty?
End of Line.
-TRAaP

















