#traap

Tears start streaming down his face. He’s crying. Raph is crying. And I suddenly want to burn the world down to find whatever has done this to my brother.  

“Raph.”

I breathe deep to keep my own emotions in check as I kneel in front of him with a hand on each shoulder, giving a firm squeeze while I try to catch his eyeline. I don’t care if he’ll be angry, I just want him to know I’m here.

“Is there anything I can do?”

I don’t know what’s hurting him, but I do know Raph hasn’t cried in front of me since were kids. Whatever this is… I want to help. I have to—

“Why?”

His voice is broken. My chest clenches tighter at the sound of it. I try to be as calm and even as I can. “You’re crying.”

I don’t think he noticed. Still doesn’t seem to. He just stares at me, eyes piercing my own with their pain.

Without thought, I wrap my arms around him, pulling him close as if my embrace could leech the pain from him and onto me. It’s an instinct as old as we are. Older brother instinct to hold onto him as tight as possible until the fear goes away. “I’m here, bro. Whatever’s going on… I’m here.” I squeeze a little tighter, more for my own desperation than his. “I’ve got you.”

His body starts shaking.

“Dammit, Leo…”

I hold firm, pulling him closer. 

“Dammit Leo!”

I don’t know what else to do!

“Dammit! LEO—”

“I’m here, Raph!” I’m shouting now too, my own desperation slipping into my voice because I’m suddenly certain that if I let go I’ll lose my brother forever. I squeeze even tighter as my voice tries to reach through his pain. “I’ve got you.”

It was like strings on a marionette suddenly snapping; his arms shoot out like being annexed from a cannon, wrapping around me with enough intensity to match my hold and then some. He buries his face in my shoulder and silently sobs, and it’s all I can do to keep from tearing up myself.

I can’t remember ever seeing Raph like this since passing out of childhood. And I’m terrified at how powerless I am to help him.

So I just hold on, hoping that whatever has broken him, I can keep him together.

Suddenly there’s something in front of me. An apparition of my brother, or an echo or faint copy. He’s still in my arms, still clinging to me for dear life and crying into my shoulder. But his figment is also there. Staring at me with wide, frightened eyes.

No, not frightened. Daunted. He looks at me as though I’ve betrayed him; so much pain and horror in his eyes that it rattles my very soul.

“LEO! NO!”

He reaches for me, but before I can attempt to reach back, he’s gone. Disappears like smoke in the wind.

The silence of the room is crushing. I don’t understand what’s going on. I hold my brother tight, afraid he’ll disappear too. Whatever this is, whatever is happening, I won’t let it take him.

“Raph,” I place a hand on the back of his head, still refusing to release my other arm from around his shell. “Talk to me. Tell me how I can help. Please.”

The door to the dojo is abruptly flung open loudly and without care. I turn instinctively, placing myself between my brother and the entrance, still holding him close. My hand moves from his head to my katana—why? We’re at home, there’s nothing I should be afraid of. But Raph is crying and I can’t help him and none of this makes sense!—but my panic fades when I see who steps into the doorway.

“Sensei?”

“My son!” Even from afar I can see the fear in his eyes. Had he seen the apparition of Raph too?

“Sensei, I don’t know what happened. He just suddenly—”

But our father isn’t staring at Raph, he’s staring at me. The same mixture of terror and anguish in his features that Raph has.

A frightening sense of dread starts to crawl up my shell unbidden.

“…Sensei? Are you alright?”

He stares a moment longer, reaching up and cupping my face with his hand. The tender gesture coupled with the tear that leaks from the corner of his eye only deepens my worry.

“Leonardo…” He pauses, finally noticing the concern on my face, and takes a moment to compose himself, clearly tamping down some strong emotions. “Are you alright, my son?”

I’m not entirely sure how to answer that. “…Hai, Sensei. I’m fine. But…” I look down to Raph, still clinging to me tightly with his eyes sealed shut and fully closed off to the world around him. I haven’t the first clue how to explain this. “Raph just—I don’t know what happened but he…” But Sensei is still focused on me and I can’t stand that look of terror in his eyes. “Dad, please… What’s wrong?”

I need to know what’s happening. I need to know how to protect my family.

“I… I am not entirely certain.” He speaks slowly, processing as he goes. “I was reading, when I felt a pain appear from nowhere. A gaping hole in my spirit that I have only known once before… when I lost my family.” His face wears his pain plainly.

“I don’t understand.”

“You were gone, my son.” He looks me in the eyes, an intensity I can’t name shimmering brightly as he speaks. “I cannot explain it, but I knew for certain that you were no longer of this world. You had left us. It was so potent, so real…”

He reaches again to cup my cheek, and all I can do is stare with wide confused eyes.  

“I am just so grateful I was wrong. You are still here, still—”

“I’m fine, Sensei.” I’m trying to be as reassuring as possible because I know he wouldn’t act like this for no reason, but it’s so strange to be in this kind of spotlight. And I’m really not the one he should be worried about right now. I look down at Raph again and Splinter finally follows my gaze.

He breathes deep, placing a hand on Raph’s shell. “My son, did you feel as I did? That something had happened to Leonardo?”

But Raph is either unwilling or unable to answer.

I pull him in a little tighter. “We were talking and he suddenly stopped and… He looked like he was about to pass out.”

I’m not explaining this right. There was so much more to it. But I don’t want to betray his trust by blabbing to our father that he’d been sobbing like a frightened child.

“Raphael…” Good, he’s got his comforting tone that can pierce through anything. ”My son, please… can you tell me what has happened?”

Silence falls, thick with worry. But Sensei sits with pure patience, his hand rubbing soft circles on Raph’s shell to let him know he’s here and willing to wait as long as necessary.

Meanwhile I’m quietly going out of my mind.

Raph is still clinging to me like if he lets go he’ll die, his body is still quaking, and there are remnants of tears trickling down his cheeks. And every second that passes without helping him, without doing something to take away his pain, is rapidly eating away at me.

There has to be something I can—

But I know my brother well. I know if I try to force him to open up, he’ll close off even more. Like Sensei is doing, we have to let him come to us on his own terms, in his own time. So I keep my desperation to myself, keep my hands firmly clamped around him so he knows I’m not going anywhere, and silently pray for this all to be over soon.

I’ll happily listen to him cuss me out again if it just means he’s okay.

I focus on my breathing, keeping it calm and steady so Raph can’t tell I’m silently panicking. Though I’m pretty sure Sensei is picking up on it. His eyes meet mine again and I see the fading remains of his terror, but he offers his most reassuring smile and it helps settle me a bit. Sensei can help him. Whatever is going on, Sensei can—

“Raphael.” Splinter speaks softly as my younger brother finally stirs, pulling away from my grasp with his eyes fixed squarely on my stomach. “Are you alright?”

He mumbles a stifled “M’fine” as he turns away and wipes the tears from his face. I try not to stare, I know he get embarrassed about this sort of thing, but I can’t take my eyes off him until I know he’s alright.

“Can you tell us what happened?”

Sensei’s tone is endlessly patient, and yet void of patronization. Someday he’ll have to teach me how he does that.

He almost starts to speak, but his eyes clip mine and he clams up again.

“I can go,” I offer, despite everything in me not wanting to. “so you two can talk.”

Raph doesn’t say anything, but he stares at me intently. There’s clear desperation in his body, I just can’t tell if it’s for me to stay or leave.

“Perhaps—” Sensei doesn’t get to finish his sentence before there’s a loud, horrified shout, coming near the dojo door.

“LEO!? Leo where ARE YOU!?!”

“In here.” I call, noting that his voice is getting more terrified with each word. The minute he spots me, I see the same anguish. The same heart-stopping pain that the others had. He’s radiating it. “Mikey…”

His eyes are already filled with tears. My chest tightens at the sight of him.  

“LEO!”

He stumbles into the room, tripping over his own feet as he falls down beside me, immediately clamping his arms around my neck and hugging for all he’s worth.

It takes a good amount of effort not to fall over, but I keep us both upright as best I can as he squeezes the oxygen right out of me. “Can’t breathe, Mikey.” I’m fully expecting him to come back at me with a quip or a joke of some sort, but he doesn’t say anything. He just kneels beside me, arms wrapped around so tight I can’t move, and sobbing into my shoulder so hard you’d think his whole world just collapsed. “Mike…”

“L-Leo… You… Y-You’re here. You’re… Y-You were—” He blubbers incoherently between sobs.

I want to comfort, but I still don’t understand what’s going on. Maybe words aren’t what he needs right now. Maybe he just needs big brother. I fold one arm around his shell and place my other hand on his head, holding him close and letting him weep. “It’s okay, Mikey… I’m okay.”

I take a deep breath—or as deep a breath as I can manage with my baby brother coiling around me like a snake—and let it out slowly, continuing the pattern in the hopes that Mikey will follow suit and calm his crying a little. It takes a few more minutes, but eventually it works. And after a few deep breaths and trailing whimpers he releases his strangle hold and grasps my shoulders, pulling back to look me over with tears still pouring from his eyes and sobs only barely held at bay in the back of his throat.

“Are you okay!? Are you hurt!? Don’t you dare try to hide it, if you’re hurt you have to tell us now!”

“I’m fine.” But he’s not listening as his eyes fall to my stomach, staring at it with horror like it’s the source of all his worst nightmares.

Just like Raph.

I reach my hands up to cup his face and force him to look at me. “Mikey, I’m okay. Nothing happened to me. I wasn’t even overexerting while training. Here—” I place his hand on my neck so he can feel my pulse, making sure it’s nice and steady despite my concern. “See? Perfectly healthy.”

His eyes are still wide and worried. “You’re sure? You’re not… You’re…”

“I’m fine. I promise.”

He doesn’t even hesitate for a moment. The words barely leave my lips and he buries himself in my chest, arms wrapped around my shell in a vice grip again as the tears fall freely. I’m hoping this time it’s more relief than anything else.

I stroke his shell like I do to soothe him when he’s sick. It takes another few minutes, but he eventually calms down and relaxes into a gentler hold.

I glance beside me to see how Raph’s doing, but he immediately averts his eyes to floor. Anywhere but on me. There’s something in his body language that’s bothering me. Something he’s trying to hide or doesn’t want to admit. Something… guilty?

“What happened, Leo? Why did it feel like you were gone?” Mikey whispers, his voice heavy with fear.  

“We have asked that very same question, my son.” Sensei, thankfully, answers first.

“You guys felt it too?”

“Yes.” Sensei nods grimly. “It came out of nowhere, but it was incredibly… real. The fact that all three of us felt it so potently means it cannot have been a figment or a trick. But what could cause such a sensation?”

Mikey looks to our angrier brother and prods gently. “You too? You felt Leo… go?”

Raph doesn’t reply. Just folds his arms in front of his chest and glares deeper at the floor.

“Was it his stomach?”

Raph’s eyes whip over to Mikey’s with intensity and fear rippling through them.

Mikey only nods solemnly, apparently getting all the confirmation he needed from that reaction. But neither of them elaborate, so I have to ask.

“What about my stomach?”

“I don’t know.” Mikey lowers his head back to my chest as he talks, like he’s listening for a heartbeat. “I think… I think you were hurt there. I remember seeing blood on your stomach. Or feeling it? I don’t… I don’t know… it was so real, but so vague at the same time. The only thing I knew for sure was that you were…” His arms tighten around me as his voice trails off, unable or unwilling to finish the thought.

I pat his shell to reassure him I’m still alright, but I’m too lost in my own thoughts to comment or comfort. None of this makes any sense. We don’t have any enemies that can toy with our emotions like this, so it can’t be an outside force. And all of them felt the same thing at the same time, so it can’t be a hallucination or something internal.

Even if it was, that still wouldn’t explain the apparition of Raph that I saw. Reaching for me with desperation in every muscle and terror in every feature.

I shake my head. Clearly this isn’t something we can solve at the moment. But I can still try to take the fear from them. Distract them from it. At least for a bit. “Well whatever it was, it’s gone now. I’m okay,” I pat Mikey’s head to make sure he looks at me as I say it. “we’re all safe, so I say we take our minds off it all with a movie marathon. Mikey’s choice.”

That perks him up a bit, though not as much as I thought it would. And he’s still not letting go of me.

“Marvel movie marathon?”

He asks, only a hint of excitement in his voice. This sort of thing would normally get him completely riled up.

“An excellent idea, my sons.” Sensei places a gentle hand on Raph’s shoulder, his voice back in that space of understanding without sounding patronizing that I can never achieve. “Would you join us, Raphael?”

He still doesn’t say anything—hasn’t said a word this entire time and it’s making every nerve in my body stand on edge—but he moves to stand, I think waiting for us to go first.

“Come on, Mikey.” I say as I gently remove my baby brother enough so I can stand. He still keeps his arms glued around my torso, but at least I can move. “Which one do you want to watch fir—?”

I don’t get to finish because there’s a large flash of light in front of us that comes out of nowhere. I pull my brother behind me and stand in front of my family, my katanas unsheathed in an instant. With my nerves as on edge as they are, it takes a few seconds for me to recognize the person who steps out of the light.

Mikey makes the connection first, stepping from behind me with an understandable amount of surprise in his voice. “Renet?”

“Oh thank the multi-verse, you’re all okay!” She lunges in to hug Mikey while I step away and sheath my swords. “I’m so sorry! I’m so SO sorry! I swear I didn’t mean to! Can you ever forgive me!?”

Mikey looks to the three of us who all shrug in unified confusion. He pats her back. “Uh, sure! What are we forgiving you for?”

My nerves finally calm enough for my mind to think clearly. “That was you? You’re the reason they all thought I was dead?”

Sensei had clearly already put it together, but the other two stare in shock. Or in Raph’s case, anger.  

“Yes.” She says sheepishly as she pulls away and rubs her arm, obviously embarrassed and upset by the whole thing. “It was an accident, I swear! I never meant for the two to touch, and it was only for a second! I wasn’t even sure you guys would feel anything, I thought maybe you would have thought it was a dream like the other guys did, but as soon as everything was aligned again I came right here to make sure you were alright, and—gosh, I’m so so sorry! That must have been—I can’t even imagine having to feel all that when you’re not—I’m so—”

“Ms. Renet,” Master Splinter thankfully interrupts her tirade with a calm tone, gesturing towards the door. “Perhaps you could explain in full over a cup of tea.”

She scolds herself again before turning to Sensei with another apology in her eyes. “Yes, I’m sorry, I’m ahead of myself again, aren’t I? Tea would be great.”

We all head towards the kitchen, Mikey moving in step beside me so he can latch onto my arm again, fear of whatever Renet did still clearly lingering in his mind. Raph follows behind, head down and eyes wide, too curious to stay behind but too embarrassed—or frightened or… something—to make any sort of eye contact.

Just keep calm. I’m sure it wasn’t a big deal. Everyone will be back to normal within the hour.

I can’t get Raph’s tears out of my mind…

~*~*~*~*~*~

“I was only trying to take a closer look, but I must have bumped the timeline ever so slightly. It shifted and overlapped with yours for a second. Simultaneous fixed it right away, but by then I guess you guys had already felt the effects.” She taps the side of her tea cup nervously, apology number twenty five about to leave her lips, when Mikey cut in. 

“So… what we felt… it really happened? In that other timeline?”

“Yes.”

“Then they… they were really feeling all that. The other us’s. In that world, they were feeling all those things we felt.” His voice is so tentative, had I not been looking, I never would have guessed it was Mikey talking. “Because something happened to their Leo… right?”

Renet takes a long moment to think. Unusual for her, but I’m guessing she was trying to avoid causing any more trouble by answering things she shouldn’t. Finally, she nods her head.

I have so many questions about the whole thing, but I know better than to ask. I know what I need to: the others felt something I didn’t, which means they were all alive in that other timeline to feel it. So whatever happened, they were safe.

That’s all that ever matters to me.

Mikey grips my hand, pulling me from my thoughts, as he asks the question he’s been trying to ask for ten minutes. “Is… Is their Leo dead?”

I think we all know the answer, but there’s still a palpable tension as we wait for Renet to respond. She only nods her head solemnly, but the solid confirmation still seems to steal the air from the room.

Suddenly everyone’s eyes are on me and I can feel my skin crawling from the attention. But I don’t say anything. Not even as Mikey moves my arm to wrap himself around my torso in a hug I doubt I’ll be free from any time soon. Whatever they need for comfort, I want to be here. Even if I hate how they’re looking at me…

“How did it happen?”

It’s the first time Raph’s spoken since the dojo. Renet shifts uncomfortably in her seat, clearly still warring with how much information to tell and how much to hold back. “I don’t think I should—”

“How?”

Raph’s tone doesn’t exactly brook room for an argument, but I don’t think we should get into details. Mikey’s going to be having nightmares as it is. “Maybe it’s best if we—” but I stop as soon as I catch Raph’s gaze. He needs this… he needs to know. I don’t know why, but if it’ll help… “—just get the basics. We don’t need any details.”

Renet gives me a look, silently asking if I really think she should. I honestly don’t want her to, but this isn’t about me, is it? I give her a subtle nod.

“He…” She begins quietly, looking at everyone before she speaks as if waiting for an objection. “He was shot. By a Purple Dragon.”

I glance around to see everyone’s reaction. Mikey flinches like he could feel the bullet himself. Sensei breathes out a long breath, like he does when he’s trying to keep calm. Raph doesn’t react at all. His eyes fall back to the floor and his whole body tenses, but it was almost like he… anticipated the answer.

Renet waits a moment to allow it all to sink in before gulping in a deep breath. “I really should get back.” She stands, bowing to everyone. “I’m so SO sorry! It will never happen again, I swear!”

“Please Ms. Renet, do not apologize further.” Sensei comes beside her and pats her shoulder. “We do not fault you, it was an accident. And we appreciate you coming to explain. It is a great weight off our shoulders to not be left wondering what it was.”

That seems to relax her a bit, but one glance back at Mikey and Raph puts the regret right back on her face.

“Thanks Renet.” I can’t stand with Mikey gripping me like he is, but I offer her a sincere smile. “Circumstances aside, it was nice to see you again.”

“You too.” She smiles back, waving to everyone once more before activating her scepter and disappearing without a trace.

Silence descends on the lair again. Everyone too lost in their thoughts to speak.

I just feel… relieved. Morbid though it may be, It’s incredibly comforting to know that my brothers are all safe, even in other worlds. That I’m the one to be taken, not them.

I’ll never say it out loud. It would only upset them.

I wait a few more minutes for everyone to process before placing my hand on Mikey’s head to get his attention. “Hey, why don’t we make tonight a camp out? We can pile our beds in the living room for our movie marathon and sleep there tonight.”

“Together?”

I nod, noting the fear still radiating from him.

“Can we order pizza?”

“It’s not a camp out without pizza.”

He’s still distracted, still gripping my am like he can’t let go, but his eyes light up a bit. “I call dibs on picking the first movie!”

“You’ll have to be quick then,” We all start moving to the living room, away from the conversation with Renet. “I think it’s Don’s turn to—”

We all suddenly gasped in a breath, freezing in our tracks.

I’d been so preoccupied with—I hadn’t even thought of—

“Where is Donatello?” Splinter asks, keeping a composed face.  

“April’s.” Mikey pipes in quickly, long past not trying to be frantic. “He said they were working on some new formula or machine or something.”

I take a subtle breath trying to collect myself before calming the room . “Let’s not panic. Maybe he didn’t feel it like you guys did. Maybe you had to be in the room or something.” I’m not even convincing myself. “Otherwise he’d have tried to call one of us.”

I left my phone in the dojo when I went to confront Raph, so I look to my two younger brothers intently.

Mikey feels around himself. “I think I left mine in my room.”

We turn to Raph who has already reached for his phone, the screen blank and black. “I… turned it off before I left the lair.”

So I wouldn’t be able to call him, I’m sure. Not the time for that now.

We wait entirely impatiently as he turns it on, the screen lighting up and taking eons to load.

Thirty-two missed texts.

Seventeen missed calls.

“Oh god, Donnie…” Mikey whispers with worry engulfing his tone again. “He must think you’re…!”

Again, he doesn’t finish the sentence.

I no longer have patience enough to sit here and wait. “How long has it been since this all started?” Maybe I can catch him before he leaves Aprils.  

“Thirty minutes or so.” Sensei replies. He places a hand on my shoulder, reading my mind the way only he can do. “Let us give him a call first. He may already be on his way home.”

I don’t want to wait. I want to make sure he’s alright. But I feel guilty arguing with any of them after the night they’ve had, so I nod and turn back to Raph, hoping he’s already dialed.

He doesn’t even get the number punched in before there’s a loud, desperate, cry from the garage entrance.

“LEO!”

“Don, I’m here! I’m—”

He rounds the corner into view and my chest lurches at the sight of him. He looks haggard and exhausted, eyes red, cheeks stained with tears, and puffing like he’s just finished running a marathon. His eyes lock on mine immediately, shock and terror still plastered there for all to see.

“Leo!”

I think he meant to run to me, but his legs collapse beneath him as soon as he moves. I barely have time to stop him from unceremoniously crashing to the floor with my shoulder under his arm and my hand on his chest. “Whoa, Donnie, easy! Take a breath.”

“You’re here! You’re—”

He’s cut off by a sudden sob, and I can tell he’s been holding it in for a while. I should have thought to call him earlier. The way he’s looking at me with such pain… I can’t…

My arms grip him in a solid hug, both to hold him up and to let him know I’m really here. I won’t let go until he’s ready. Until he’s let his panic wash through him.

Sensei lets us have a moment before coming beside Don and placing a hand on his shell. “Your brother is alright, my son. It was not his loss you felt.”

Don’s clearly not convinced. He suddenly pulls from my grip, grabs my shoulders with both hands, and begins scanning every inch of me for injury. “What happened!? Why didn’t anyone answer their phone!? Was it something to do with wherever Raph ran off to tonight?”

“No, nothing like that.” I notice Raph flinch away at the accusation but remain quiet. Odd. Normally he’d opt for a more audibly defensive reaction. “I’m sorry, Don. It was—”

“Where are you hurt? What was it, a gun or a knife? What…” His voice trails off as his gaze falls to my stomach, staring the same way Mikey and Raph had earlier.

“It’s okay dude.” Mikey pipes in, maybe he noticed the same look. “It’s a crazy story, but it ends with Leo being okay. Well, our Leo…” His eyes fall a bit as Don blinks in confusion.

“Our Leo?”

“Let us have a seat.” Sensei ushers us into the living room, encouraging Don to take some more deep breaths before Mikey launches into a full explanation. It’s a lot to take in, but Don seems to follow with no trouble. He listens intently, his eyes flitting across all three of us, and always landing on me. I can tell he’s fluctuating through a gambit of emotions, but by the end of the tale there’s at least a small hint of relief.

Though not as much as I had hoped.

“That makes sense, I suppose.” He finally replies, his gaze landing on me for the umpteenth time. He sits in silence a moment before asking. “What happened to their Leo?”

Everyone’s eyes seem to find the floor at the same time. Not mine. I don’t mind saying it. Though I try to sound as delicate as I can, for their sakes. “He was shot during a mission. Apparently he didn’t make it.”

Again, Don does the same thing Mikey did, his eyes finding my stomach and staring.

I stand from the couch. “I am not him. I am perfectly fine. So I’m going to go order the pizza. You guys can get the beds set up.”

I leave as quick as I can without drawing attention, subtly avoiding Mikey on my way out so he doesn’t have a chance to glom onto my arm again.

I need a minute away from their looks of pain and fear.

I need a minute to breathe without them staring.

I need them to be okay again.

~*~*~*~*~*~

By the time I get back with pizza in hand (thanks to a very concerned April, who stayed behind in the kitchen to hear the explanation from Master Splinter) the living room is piled full with futon mattresses, mounds of pillows, and just about every blanket in the lair.

Mostly Mikey’s doing, I assume.

Don looks like he’s getting the TV set up, albeit with less dexterity than usual.

And Raph doesn’t look like he’s moved. At all. He’s just sitting there, staring at the floor again, shoulders hunched and fists tense. He looks like a rubber band about to snap. But it’s not anger tensing his muscles—I’ve seen that enough to know the difference—this looks more defeated. Guilty. And for the life of me, I can’t figure out why. Is he embarrassed about crying in front of me? Did the events of tonight make him feel bad about running off before hand?

I want to ask. Whatever weight has settled on his shoulders that’s holding him down like this, I want to take it. But I also don’t want to poke the bear, so I hold my questions for another time.

“Pizza’s here.” I announce, not at all excited to have their eyes back on me. Mikey doesn’t leap over furniture to nab the first slice and if that isn’t an indication of how down they still are, nothing is. “Movie ready?” They nod, but no one offers any further comment and shell I wish I could just snap them out of this. “Which one did you go with?”

“Iron Man. I like it when Don points out in detail the corrections needed to make Tony’s suit in real life.” Mikey says, more mechanically than anything else. No enthusiasm or mockery in his tone at all.

“Sounds like fun.” Patience. Give them time. They’ll forget about this and get back to normal soon. Let them process.

I sit in the middle of the couch, fully expecting Mikey to want to cuddle and Don to be close, if not touching. They do, sitting on either side of me, Mikey not hesitating to wrap around my arm and snuggle in.

Raph doesn’t move from his spot.

I can’t help a small sigh. Patience.

The movie starts and I send a silent prayer to the universe that this is enough of a distraction for them to return to some semblance of normal.

Please. Just wipe the pain away for a while.

But my pleas go unanswered. We’re fifteen minutes into the movie and not a single person has said a word. Don hasn’t corrected any of the science, as was promised, Mikey hasn’t laughed at a single quip, and Raph seems to have one eye on the movie and one on the ground, bouncing between the two. I know for a fact I’ve never watched a movie in total silence before. Not with my brothers around.

I glance around at all three of them, not even having to look close to see the pain and fear still wiggling along the lines in their faces.

I can’t take it anymore. I have to do something.

“Okay, enough.” I announce loudly, pausing the movie and standing to face them. “Clearly we need to talk about this. There has to be something I can do to make you all feel better.” They look away and it takes far too much effort than it should for me to keep from shouting.

My patience is quickly unravelling into maddening worry.

There’s a long pause before Mikey—probably sensing how out of my mind I’m getting—speaks up. “We’re just… scared. That feeling was so real. It really felt like… like you were gone.”

“I’m not.” That came out a bit too curtly. I try again, softer. “I’m right here. And I don’t plan on going anywhere. So stop looking at me like I’m dying.” They all flinch at the word. “Please.”

It takes a long minute, but Don speaks up this time. “It may not have been you, but it’s very much something you would do.”

“What do you mean?”

“Leo, can you name a single mission where you haven’t done something risky to keep us safe?”

“Yes.”

Even Raph checks in long enough to fix me with a dead pan stare on that one.

“It’s not every mission.” I qualify, because I don’t appreciate the assumption that all my missions fail at some point. “But I get your point. What of it?”

“I’m just saying,” Don continues, a little more assertive this time. “That what happened to that other Leo isn’t out of the ordinary or the possible for you. You’re just as protective, just as thoughtless of your own life when we’re involved. So seeing it happen to another you—”

“How do you know I—he—was protecting you—them.” This is starting to give me a headache.

Don pauses to glance at Mikey who pulls his head back, like he hadn’t considered that. “I… I don’t know. You were on a roof, and you were shot in your…”

They all stare at my stomach again and it’s all I can do to not sigh loud enough for them all to hear.

“I don’t know how I know, I just do.” Mikey says firmly. “I know it was awful, I know it hurt so much I wanted to die, and after feeling all that, I know that if it happens to you, I’m never going to---” His voice cracks as tears brim in his eyes and my heart drops instantly.

Don scoots over on the couch to pull Mikey into a half hug, his own face a half-masked mirror of the pain now dripping down our baby brother’s cheeks.

I don’t know what to say. We’ve had this conversation before—alternate dimensional families aside—and there’s nothing more I can say on the matter. They’re my little brothers. I’m the eldest. The leader. And if I have to jump in front of a bullet to keep them safe, then I’ll absolutely do it. No regrets. And hearing that it happened to another me somewhere out there in another world doesn’t change that.

If anything, it solidifies it.

But none of that is what they want to hear right now.

I slowly release the breath I’ve been holding, crouching in front of Mikey on the couch. “I’m sorry,” I keep my voice as level and soft as I can. “I’m sorry you all had to experience that. And I’m sorry I can’t make you feel better about it. Because you’re right, I absolutely would do what that Leo did if it meant keeping you safe. That’s my job, my top priority, and I don’t begrudge it even a little bit. I’m sure he didn’t either.”

Mikey chokes on another sob and Don gives me an annoyed you’re-not-helping look.

Get to the point, Leo.

“But right now I’m here.” I place a hand on Mikey’s shoulder to draw his attention. “I’m here, I’m safe, and I plan to continue to be for a very long time. Until we’re old and hobbled and Don has crazy white hair like Einstein and Raph’s idea of a workout is climbing the stairs to his room.”

He chokes out a surprised laugh as Don chuckles and I smile at the small victory.

“You promise you’ll be around that long?”

Mikey’s using his big puppy eyes because he knows I have troubles saying no to them.

But I don’t want to make empty promises just to make them feel better. “Mikey, I can’t promise. Bad things happen whether we want them to or not. Especially in our line of work. But you can’t live your life in fear. I’m constantly terrified that you’ll all get hurt on a mission, but that doesn’t make me keep you from going on them.” Once again Raph sends a glare my way, so I add a resigned “Mostly.”

“What I can promise,” I continue. “Is that I will do my best to keep myself safe. I will keep martyrdom and self-sacrifice as an absolute last resort option only.” They still don’t seem convinced, so I give Mikey’s hand a light squeeze and sigh before admitting. “Contrary to popular belief, I don’t want to leave you either. I’d miss my brothers. Even the loud angry one over there.”

“He means you, Don.” Mikey jokes and they both smile again.

Then Mikey slides off the couch and pulls himself against my chest, his arms wrapped tightly around my shell. I wasn’t expecting it, so it takes a moment for me to relax into the touch and let my arms fall around his shoulders. “We love you, Leo. So much.” He squeezes a bit tighter.

I don’t get a chance to reply before Don joins us on the floor, cloaking himself around my shoulders. I shift one arm to hug his shell as he says, “We’re so glad you’re still here.”

A smile creeps across my face, unbidden. I feel my brothers’ affection radiating like a heat wave. It’s immensely comforting, despite my distaste for this type of attention.

Only my brothers can make me feel this wonderful. This special. This necessary. I pull them in a little closer.

“I love you too, little brothers.” I look over to Raph, who is at least looking at us and not the floor. “All of you.” And his eyes fall away again.

One battle at a time.

Our group hug lasts a little longer than I’m used to, but I don’t dare break it. I don’t even want to imagine if I had felt one of them going…

Eventually we settle back on the couch and resume the movie. When Splinter and April join us, we’re half-way through, both Mike and Don chatting away as they usually would, and the world is finally feeling right again.

Mostly.

I peek in Raph’s direction to see him at least looking at the movie, if not really watching it.

As the night goes on, April heads home after a phone call from Casey (who had apparently been asleep and thought the whole thing was a crazy nightmare) and Sensei heads off to bed. He runs a hand fondly over my head on his way out, offering me a smile that just gushes relief and love. I send a silent smile back.

Around the time we start our third movie (Thor, since Mikey insisted we watch in order) we’ve shifted to laying on the mattresses and pillows. Mikey promptly falls asleep laying across my lap like a cat. Not the most comfortable position for me propped up on some pillows, but I’m not going to complain. Don follows suit shortly after, leaning against my left arm with his head on my shoulder and his hand on my wrist, like he’d been keeping track of my pulse. Only one brother remains, and he still hasn’t moved from his spot on the couch.

Now’s my chance, I suppose. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

His body language affirms his response, his arms folding tighter and his shoulders hunching higher. I want to let it go, let him work through it however he wants, but I can’t get the image of him crying in the dojo out of my mind. There has to be something I can do. There has to.

So I walk into the lions den.

“I’m sorry… that you had to go through all—”

“I said, I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Okay.” I give it a moment. “You know I won’t tell anyone about—”

“Dammit Leo!” He stands, his hands already curled into fists and anger rippling through his shoulders. “I don’t wanna talk about—”

“Okay!” I use a forced whisper and gesture with my free hand at our two sleeping siblings before giving him the ‘shh’ finger. “I just think it would be healthy to discuss it now rather than later. But if you’d prefer to brood, then go ahead. Just be quiet about it.”

He doesn’t sit back down.

The movie continues and I do my best to at least look like I’m staring at the TV and not Raph. He’s moved beside the couch so I can’t see him in my periphery now, but I can still feel his tension looming. Can almost hear his muscles tensing.

I should back off. I’m clearly not helping. But he hasn’t stormed off yet. If he really didn’t want to talk, he’d have stomped off to his room, knowing I can’t move with our brothers asleep on top of me.

Maybe just one more poke.

“If you won’t talk to me, you should at least talk to Sensei—”

“For the love of— I don’t want to talk about it! Ever! I don’t want to relive it, okay!? Not with you, not with Sensei, not with anyone!”

“Okay.” His defensiveness is different. Less angry and more fearful. And there’s that underlying current of something again. Guilt, maybe? “But—"

“What!?” He interrupts, probably expecting me to lecture.

“Just… I’m here. If you need to talk or vent or anything… I’m here.”

I shift enough so I can partially see his face and it’s pale, like he’s seen a ghost. His eyes go wide, his hands clench tight, and he looks like he wants to run screaming from the room.

Oh shell, is it happening again!?

Before I can ask, he closes his eyes, grits his teeth, and snarls in a long breath, turning away so I can only see his shell. “Still here…”

A long stretch of silence follows. I don’t dare speak. I can see his fists trembling ever so slightly.

“It’s what you said…” He finally says, his voice rough and jagged, almost quaking like his hands. “What he said to me—the other me—before he…”

I want to ask the obvious question, but I wait, almost holding my breath while silently wishing to calm his.

“It was my fault.”

His voice is so small, guilt like a tidal wave almost drowning it out.

“I could only get pieces of it, but I saw… You were protecting me. You—he—got shot protecting me—the other me.” He rubs a hand down his face in frustration before sighing roughly. Sadly. “It was my fault. And I…”

He finally turns to face me, his eyes finding my stomach and staring intently. His face is laden with pain and fear and heartache, just like it was in the dojo earlier.

Oh Raph.

“You protectin’ me when I didn’t ask for it is nothing new.” He continues, slowly, deliberately. It’s clearly taking effort to get his emotions in check. “But I never… I never thought you’d… because of me… I never… I mean what if it had happened tonight? What if you following me got you…” He turns his back to me again. “The guilt and the pain, I felt it all through him. The other me. I felt it… and I know, I couldn’t live with myself if—"

His voice cracks and it takes every ounce of control I have not to wiggle out from Mike and Don and run over to him.

He’d probably hate that anyway.

Silence settles over the room.

I can feel Raph from here, feel his fear radiating out. He’s really scared. For me. My stubborn, angry, closed off younger brother, was crying in the dojo because he’d thought he’d lost me. And he thought it was his fault.

“I’m sorry.” I face forward again, distracting myself with the movie as I speak. “I’m sorry I do that. Play martyr, I mean. Jump in front of danger.”

He scoffs. “No you’re not.”

“I am. Not for being protective,” I think I’ve made that very clear. “But for not thinking about how much my choices would affect you all. I guess… I guess I sometimes…” I pause, not really wanting to admit to this at all. But he’s had to be open with me today, seems only fair to return the favor. “I sometimes forget that you all care about me as much as I do you.”

I can’t see his face, but I hear the sharp inhale he takes. He’s either angry, shocked, or both.

Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. “I’m not trying to point fingers or say you don’t show it. I know you all care. It’s just… I spend so much time playing leader with you all—making sure Mikey trains, making sure Don sleeps, making sure you don’t run off—that I sometimes forget that I’m also a brother. That you guys want me for more than just leadership.” Even now that voice of doubt wants to creep in.

“Leo…” Mikey whispers in his sleep, almost on cue, as he shifts in my lap. I put a hand to his shell to help settle him, let his subconscious know I’m still here. The movement prompts Don’s hand to squeeze mine tighter while still lost to slumber. The way they both cling to me now, the way they looked at me before…

I can’t believe I ever doubted.

“I have no desire to die, Raph. Not anytime soon, anyway. I’d be too afraid of being without you all. I…” The day must be getting to me, because I feel tears welling in my eyes that I quickly pat down. “I really am nothing without my brothers. I’d miss you… all of you. Desperately.” I don’t know if I said that loud enough for him to hear. But it felt good to say it out loud.

Raph is silent.

I turn to find the space where he stood now empty. He must have had enough and gone to bed. Can’t say I blame him. I hope he’s okay… I hope some of what I said got through.

I just want him to be—

Suddenly something removes the pillows from behind me and presses against my shell. I turn enough to see Raph’s bandana tails on my shoulder as he sits shell to shell with me on the mattress.

It takes a long moment for him to speak. And when he does, it’s soft and quiet. Like he’s hoping I won’t hear it. “We’d miss you, too. You. Not your leadership or whatever… you. We need you, Leo.”

I take a moment to let that sink in, my shoulders releasing some of their tension.

Raph abruptly raps the back of his head against mine, his voice back to it’s usual gruff gravel. “If you think we’d be okay without you, you’re an idiot.”

“You’d manage.”

“We’d hate it.”

“I know.”

Another long silence follows, and I can feel Raph relaxing more and more against my shell. I lean into the contact.

Glancing down at Mikey and over to Don, a smile tugs at my lips as I feel a warmth spread readily through my chest. Pragmatic as I am, I’m not always one to see the positives in a situation (I look to Mikey for that), but I will never not be grateful for the family I’ve been blessed with. For my brothers. They can be annoying, mean, and a downright pain in the shell, but they are truly the greatest gift I’ve been given.

I love them more than I know how to say.

And moments like this, moments when I see they love me just as much, are the moments I feel most unworthy. Most grateful.

I lean my head back to rest on Raph’s, one hand on Mikey’s shell and one held by Don, and I breathe deep, my smile growing wider as I close my eyes to everything else.

“We’re glad you’re still here.”

“Me too, guys. Me too…”

~*~*~*~*~*~

Previous

Ze End. Hopefully. I’ve said that before with this story and it continued for 17 chapters and 2 epilogues. Ha.

Thank you to all who have stayed with this story, and especially those who comment (few though you may be). I’ve very much needed your kind words to get through these last few years.

Here’s hoping the next story is easier. And maybe less angsty?

End of Line.

“Afraid?” Mikey didn’t meet his gaze, but Don knew he’d hit the target. Stepping closer, he placed a hand on his brother’s shoulder, sighing defeatedly. “I don’t know. But I am too. I’m scared that we’ll wake up tomorrow and he’ll just be… gone.” The lump in his throat was returning, but he pushed on, feeling Mikey’s need for reassurance.  “I feel it too, Mikey. I don’t know what it is, but I’m sure it’ll go away once Leo’s up and about again.” Sitting beside his brother, Don reached over and wrapped Mikey in a half hug across his shoulders, feeling the younger lean into the touch almost immediately. They both could use some comfort right now, and with no answers to give, this was the only way Don knew how.

“We weren’t there.”

The gruff voice brought both younger turtle’s eyes up to see Raph standing by the fire.

“That’s why you feel it. Because we weren’t there.”

“We were there was he was thrown through the window—“

“But we weren’t there when he got hurt.” Raph interrupted Don, crossing his arms as he moved closer. “Like Mikey said, Fearless don’t usually get hurt ‘less it’s protecting us. But this time we weren’t around… weren’t there to distract him, or protect him.” Don noticed his older brother’s fists clench around his folded arms. “Mr. Indestructible over here got himself nearly beat to death, and it wasn’t because of a lack of skill or his stupid protective instincts. It was because Shredder is that dangerous.” Raph’s eyes raked over Leo’s body, glaring at every injury that wasn’t covered by the blanket, growing more tense as he went. “You’re still scared because Leo’s never been hurt like this before, and now that we know it can happen—“

“What’s to stop it from happening again…?” Don finished in a sudden breath of understanding. Raph was right. Hit the nail right on the head. They were scared because while Leo may be healing, the spell had been broken. That aura around their leader—the one that said he could never be hurt because he was too skilled and too smart—was gone. Their brother was no longer invincible. He could be hurt, same as the rest of them.

He could be killed.

Mikey shuddered as the weight of such a horrifying realization dropped on his heart like a tent collapsing. His eyes fell on Leo’s face, staring at the bruises, and suddenly entirely focused on making sure his brother’s chest continued to rise and fall with regular breath. “So… what do we do?”

The two older turtles exchanged a glance, hoping the other had a response. The silence coagulated into a thick tar of dread, weighing down their hearts with such force, it felt hopeless to try and breathe again.

What could they do?

Everyone was mortal, they’d always known that. But coming so close to losing the one they always thought unbeatable… it was tearing apart their foundations.

What if they actually lost him next time? What would they do if…?

How could they stop it?

“Stay.”

Leo’s weak voice, barely above a whisper, seemed to boom through the silence with strength he didn’t look like he had. The three younger siblings all snapped their eyes to him, eager to see him awake. “Leo?” Don stood, shifting closer to his brother’s head to check that it was indeed him speaking, and not a ghost of their conversation.

“Alone… I can’t…M’Not enough.” He blinked slowly, clearly fighting to stay conscious against whatever exhaustion had it’s claws in his mind. “M’Only strong… when we’re… together.” He made eye contact with all three brothers, attempting to smile as he inhaled slowly. “Stay with me. Then we’re… invincible.”

The three younger turtles felt their brother’s words sink deep into their skin, healing every frayed nerve and steadying every anxious heartbeat. It wasn’t like Leo to make such grandeur proclamations of esteem, but his exhaustion was allowing him to speak with a freedom he normally didn’t have.

And the sentiment hit home. Hard and fast.

Donnie didn’t notice the smile that crept across his face, letting the warmth of Leo’s words radiate to his tired bones. He saw even Raph had the barest hint of a smirk on his lips as he folded his arms once again, sighing a deep breath. Turning back to Leo, Don felt his heart finally relax, drawing a tear from his eye as he let himself sink into the rare tenderness of the eldest’s expression. He was quick to scrub the moisture away before it was noticed, offering Leo a warm smile as Raph stepped closer to place a hand on his shoulder.

“Damn right, Fearless.”  

Even injured and out of it as he was, Leo still knew exactly what to say to chase their fears away.

Mikey grinned, laying down on top of his brother in an awkward, but fond, hug. “You’re such a sap, Leo.” He chuckled, turning his head into the blanket to hide the tear sliding down his cheek.

Another weak smile crossed Leo’s face. “Don’t tell… anyone…” His eyes fell closed as his head limped to the side. All three younger ninja stepped forward in sudden worry before realizing it was sleep that had claimed their brother, nothing more.

“He’s still exhausted.” Don noted aloud, checking for a fever with his hand to Leo’s forehead. “And he’s a little cold. Do we have any more blankets?”

“No worries bro, I got this.” Mikey remained sprawled across his brother as his new blanket, sharing body heat and secretly drawing comfort from feeling Leo breathing steadily beneath him. “I’m gonna stay with him a while.”

Don and Raph exchanged a glance, both nodding in silent agreement. “Me too. Just until I can be sure he doesn’t catch cold or flare up with an infection.” Don reasoned, kneeling beside the couch.

“Well I sure as shell ain’t leaving Mikey alone near an open fire. The whole house’d burn down.” Ignoring the playful glare of protest from his youngest sibling, Raph stepped closer to the couch, eyeing his older brother once more and noting how content he looked after waking to see the three of them there.

Maybe Leo really did feel stronger when they were around. Maybe it was supposed to be obvious because he was always trying so hard to show with his actions. But to Raph, hearing it out loud—hearing Leo say it—made all the difference in the world.

Settling down with his back against the couch, Raph turned his face away from his younger brothers so they couldn’t see the honest pride swelling in his face. It was stupid to let something so childish affect him so much, but he couldn’t help it. “We’ll stay, Leo.” He spoke softly, resting the back of his head against the arm of the couch as all three brothers made a silent promise.

We’ll stay until you’re invincible again.

~~~~~~

Based on the second picture in this post below.

End of Line.

The two stood in silence for several long minutes. It felt… right, being here together, talking like nothing had happened. Neither turtle wanted to break the spell. Whatever it was that had stayed their anger for each other was welcome, even if neither would ever admit it.

The quiet of the room stretched on for several more minutes as the wind outside howled it's contention.

Leo finally moved, almost apologetic in his tone. "He'll be here soon. I have to get my gift."

"Yeah, me too." Raph mentally sighed at the idea of going back into the cold again.

The two headed for the door, opening it to see snow whipping around in gusts of unrelentingly cold wind. Leo flipped up his collar, stepping outside. "Don't get lost in the blizzard, Raphael."

"What was that?" Raph's curt reply was met with nothing but air; Leo had already disappeared into the snow. "Hmph. Blind asshole." He stood in the doorway a moment, caught off guard by the use of his full name. It'd been so long since he'd heard it, his own name sounded strange to him. Leo probably did that on purpose.

Grumbling out an annoyed breath, Raph pulled his coat tighter around himself, trying to stay the wind from biting his flesh again.

It was for Mikey. Focus on Mikey.

He could put up with Leo for Mikey.

Less than half an hour later, Raph found himself standing alone in the warehouse, all lights and candles out so as to keep the decorations a secret, neither of his brothers in sight, and the Santa hat adorning his head. He flicked the white fluff ball on the end of the hat, not entirely sure why he was wearing it, but refusing to take it off until Mikey saw. Despite trying to convince himself to the contrary, Raph was excited to see his younger brother's reaction to their little surprise. It wasn't much, that was for sure, but Mikey had always delighted in the small things. At least… he used to. It had been a while since Raph had seen the young turtle after his decision to fight with the resistance. Guilt burned like a stoked fire at the thought; he held no greater regret in life than not being there for Mikey. He hated that they almost never spoke and that it took something like the loss of a limb to bring them together.

But seeing Mikey usually led to seeing Leo. And Raph hated seeing his older brother. Hated calling him that or acknowledging they were related in any way. Hated the way Leo seemed above everything: the war, the people fighting in it, the people avoiding it. Hated the way he barely spoke and when he did it was with a voice so foreign Raph almost didn't recognize it. Hated seeing his scarred face and his dead eyes. His blind, dead eyes…

Raph idly toyed with the idea that Leo wouldn't return. Got lost in the blizzard, took a wrong turn down an alley, decided he was too tired and headed home. The notion brought a cruel smile to his lips; would serve him damn right. Best gift Raph could ask for this holiday season.

His anger subsided for the briefest of moments to allow shame to seep through. He shouldn't think about Leo like that. What if something actually did happen to him…?

He shook his head. It would serve him damn right.

After another few minutes, the idea that something was wrong started digging it's claws into Raph's mind. Leo could rot out in the cold for all he cared, but Mikey… if anything happened to that kid, Raph was going to raise all hell.

Anything else happened to him, anyway.

Another pang of guilt sprang from Raph's gut, making him sigh in annoyance. Maybe this was a bad idea… he wanted to be there for his brother, more than anything in the world. But what if Mikey didn't want to see them? What if he'd only agreed to this little meet up because it was tradition or because he knew Raph and Leo could find him if he didn't show?

What if he blamed them for what happened to him? What if he was angry about it and was only gonna show up to ream them out about how he never wanted to see them again.

Raph wouldn't blame him if he did. They deserved it. Damn, did they ever deserve it.

But the idea of his baby brother being furious with him was enough to make him swallow a hitch in his breath. If Mikey of all people was finished with him, Raph truly had no one to live for anymore. He had nothing.

Hearing footsteps outside, Raph's hands instinctively went for his sai as he snuck behind the stairs, waiting in the shadows. The light of day had all but disappeared, so if anyone came looking for trouble, it'd be easy enough to do away with them without drawing a crowd of Foot cops. Friend or foe, he was thankful for the interruption to his thoughts; his mind kept picturing Mikey's face, full of hatred and anger, glaring at him in contempt. It hurt like a bullet to the chest.

Crouching as the door creaked open, Raph waited with the patience of a lion ready to pounce. Breathing steadily as the figure moved down the stairs. he held his sai tight, excited at the prospect of a fight to take his frustrations out on. On the final stair, Raph wasted no time; he pounced, jumping behind the figure with lightning speed, holding his sai to his… nun chuck? When had the intruder even moved to raise a weapon?

Raph knew those armaments anywhere. "Mikey?"

"Heck of a greeting there, bro." There was a pause before he added, with more than a hint of mockery, "Nice hat."

The sound of his brother's voice was equally as comforting as it was heart wrenching; his tone had grown gruff, weary from battle over the years. Another somber reminder of the hell they lived in. But damn was it good to hear him again. "You shouldn't sneak up on a turtle like that, I almost dug out your carotid!" He chided, curt tone firmly in place to hide his excitement. "You're lucky I wasn't a Foot Cop."

"I knew it was you." Mikey's lips curled up in a childish grin. "Could smell you a half a block away- when was the last time you showered, bro?"

The smile was unexpected and Raph didn't have time to hide it, so he simply shook his head. Only Mikey… "Don't start with me, bonehead. Hurt or not, I ain't above kickin' your shell from here to New Jersey." He threw an arm over his brother's shoulder, pulling him down into a spirited headlock as he dug the knuckle of his hand into Mikey's skull. Never too old for a noogie.

Mikey laughed, a short burst of joy from the nostalgic 'just like old times' feeling that swept through his body. "Just Jersey? You're losin' your touch, bro. Gettin' feeble in your old age?"

"That's it, keep diggin'." Raph growled playfully, pulling Mikey tighter into the hold.

"Who're you calling old?"

The voice caught both brothers off guard, Raph once again reflexively going for his sai, turning so Mikey was slightly behind him.

The younger seemed unphased by the intrusion as his smile widened, nearly reaching his eyes. "Leo!"

The black trench coated turtle stepped from the shadows, arms crossed as he seemed to make a conscious effort to remain a good distance from Raph. He felt his youngest sibling suddenly throw his arm around his chest and tensed a moment. It had been so long since he'd been touched in such a manner that, for a moment, he forgot how he was to proceed. Understanding set in quickly, the tiniest of smiles ghosting across his lips while his arms returned the embrace.

"It's so good to see you, dudes." Mikey flicked the antlers atop his brother's head, more than amused at how ridiculous it made him look. "Especially looking so festive."

"I would say the same, but…" Leo touched his glasses and shrugged, drawing a small chuckle from Mikey. When they pulled from the embrace, Leo felt the bandage on his brother's arm, reality suddenly dropping on their moment. All three turtles fell silent as Leo held his hand over the bandages, his tone growing grave and serious. "…Does it hurt?"

Mikey reached for the stumpy remnant on his arm, wrapping his fingers around it as he pulled from Leo's touch. "Sometimes." Sometimes it was as though he could still feel the part that was gone. Something about 'phantom limb' something or other? He hadn't been paying attention when April explained it.

Raph stared from his spot a few feet away, unwilling to look at his brother's missing limb yet unable to pull his eyes away from it. Guilt, regret, anger, all three swirling in his stomach, mixing into a concoction of emotion that made him want to book it from the room, find the nearest Foot lair, and bash skulls until exhaustion took him. Another time, he supposed.

"But hey, at least now I can say I have the coolest scar! Leo's been up on that pedestal for years!"

It never ceased to amaze Raph how his younger brother's mind worked. That endless positivity still undamaged by war and the cold bitterness that had consumed the older siblings, body and soul. Mikey always had been the strongest, Raph knew. "Enough with the small talk. Turn the lights on already."

Mikey shook his head, turning his shell to his brothers as he moved to the nearest wall. "Do you practice getting grumpier, or does it just come naturally with age?" As he flicked the switch, multicolored lights danced across the room, giving him pause. He turned to see the makeshift Christmas tree lamp in the middle of the room, alighting the scattered decorations about the window and boxes. "…You guys decorated?"

The sparkle in Mikey's eyes as he stared at the lights dragged yet another smile from Raph's features unwillingly. He hated to admit it, but Leo had done good finding those. The thought brought his eyes over to the elder, nodding his approval only because he knew Leo wouldn't see it. "Thought you could use some festive cheer." He finally replied, slinging an arm over Mikey's shoulder. "It ain't Rockefeller Center, but then, neither is Rockefeller anymore."

It wasn't just the lights and the holly and the pitiful little stocking hanging on the box. And It wasn't just that this was the first time in over a decade Mikey felt any amount of festive cheer rise up inside him. It was that his older brothers had done it. Despite not being able to stay in the same room for five minutes without throwing a fist each other–verbal or physical- Raph and Leo still cared enough to do all this. For him.

Mikey'd almost forgotten how much they cared. Or that they did at all.

"It's… amazing." As if the goofy grin taking over his face wasn't enough of a tell-all. "Lemme guess, Leo set up the tree?"

"What makes you say that?" The elder turtle spoke quietly, still sticking to his corner by the shadows.

"It's crooked."

A knowing grin curled the edges of Leo's mouth as Raph growled, throwing his hands in the air in exasperation.

Mikey chuckled at the mental image of Raph trying to set this up while Leo told him if it was straight or not. It was then that a familiar smell crawled up his nostrils, sending his taste buds whirling with excitement. "Dudes… you smell that?"

Raph was about to make a comment on Mikey's intelligence for making a gas joke at their age, when suddenly Leo pulled something from the shadows near the door. "…Is that…?"

"Pizza!?" Mikey's face lit up anew, staring at the square box in awe. It had been at least five years since the last time he even smelled a pizza, let alone ate one. Snatching it from his brother's hands to make sure it was real, the young turtle was already drooling. "Where the shell'd you manage to get this, Leo?"

"An old friend." Was all he offered in response. "I also brought something to warm us up." He picked up a small thermos from the ground with three mugs.

"What are you, Santa Clause?" Raph huffed as he crossed his arms in front of his chest, trying not to let on how impressed he was at all Leo had managed to put together for this event. "You got a sleigh and eight reindeer to go along with that magic bag of yours?"

The blind turtle didn't dignify that with a response, only tossing Raph a mug and the thermos, which he caught easily enough. "Shut up and pour the drinks." He moved swiftly to take the pizza back from Mikey before it was inhaled in a single gulp, earning him a look that he didn't have to see to know it was a pout.

The three gathered around the lights, Raph handing them each a glass of warm hot chocolate. He made sure to give Leo the chipped 'I heart NY' cup; he was blind, what did he care if his mug was malformed.

Mikey took one sip and smiled as the heat of the drink warmed his tired muscles, soothing the ache in his bandaged arm. "Ah… Man, you guys really went all out this year! I don't think we've had a holiday this festive since…" His voice trailed off, suddenly realizing the road it had gone down, and knowing it was off limits. He could feel the other two tense as he spoke.

But since he'd already poked the bear, why not voice his concern? "It's just, with all that happened this year, I wasn't sure guys were gonna show. I thought maybe you'd left the city or something…"

Neither Raph or Leo dared speak, guilt and bitterness swirling around them like thick smoke. It made Raph itch for a cigarette as he sipped his coco, fervently wishing his mug had something a little stronger in it. Even the slight implication of their lives before the world exploded was enough to make him want to run and beat on the first thing he saw. Or at least to beat on Leo. But it hurt more to hear Mikey think they'd ditch him. The fact that their baby brother didn't know he could still count on his older siblings was a smack in the face. A well deserved one.

Leo seemed to be thinking the same thing because he placed a gentle hand on Mikey's shoulder. "We'd never leave you like that, Mikey. You know we wouldn't."

Mikey flinched. Did he? They'd abandoned each other, it wasn't much of a stretch to see them ditching him in the future. But he banished that train of thought before it could get a foothold. His brothers were here with him now. He should never have doubted.

"I'm…" Leo started, but the sentence faded like he was ashamed to finish. For the briefest moment, Mikey thought he saw guilt flash across his brother's scarred face, but it disappeared behind his mask in an instant. "…I'm sorry we weren't there for you… for this…" He held Mikey's bandage again, as though feeling it to try and form a mental picture. "We should have been."

Raph bowed his head, avoiding all eye contact. As much as he wanted to enjoy seeing Leo all pitiful and repentant, his guilt wouldn't allow it. They should have been there for Mikey. They should have been protecting him. That was their job as older brothers and they'd failed miserably at it.

Mikey deserved better.

But what's done was done and no amount of guilt was gonna change that. Or so Raph would tell himself until he could light a cigarette or crawl inside a bottle of vodka to ease the pain of it all.

"It wasn't your fault." Mikey tried at comfort. "I knew the risks when I took the mission without backup." Honestly, he didn't blame them for not showing up to help. Nor for the loss of his limb. And it was probably for the better that they hadn't come while he recovered, he wouldn't have wanted them to see him weak like that. Given how close a call it was for Mikey, he was convinced that if his brothers had been on the mission with him, they'd be dead, and then he'd be minus an arm and the rest of his family. He'd be alone. Forever.

That thought was what had bothered him. What had scared him most. When the pain was too much and his fever had gotten too high, he'd begged April to call them. They always showed when he was hurt. Always. So when they didn't, Mikey feared the worst. He thought they'd been taken by Shredder or fled the city or were already dead. How could they not have at least told him they were alright…?

The memory of his fear made him reach to hold his brother's hand atop his stump. "I'm just glad you guys are here now." Here, and trying to make him feel better like they used to when they were little. These few moments to see his family still safe were more than enough to dissipate any bitterness he'd harbored. The hats helped too…

"We're always here for ya, Mikey. Just say the word and we'll come runnin'. Always." Empty words, Raph thought, but he wanted to mean them. He wanted to be the kind of brother he used to be, the kind that did anything and everything to protect his family. The kind that would climb mountains and fight lions to stay with the two people he cared about most in this world. But he didn't have it in him anymore… he was a shell of the brother he'd once been. After Splinter… after Donnie… he'd failed too many times. He was weak, unable and unfit to protect those he loved. It was a truth he was slowly trying to accept. A truth that would always keep his family at arms length.

And there was Leo. This was all his fault in the first place. And Raph couldn't stand even looking at him because of that. His anger began to rise without prompt, so he quickly changed the subject. "Now enough with the sap, are we gonna open presents or what?"

That perked Mikey up right away. "Presents!" He shuffled on his knees a moment, trying to reach something in his belt. "Leo's first!"

The older turtle shook his head at his brother's excitement; he never changed, did he? Thank Goodness. He felt something thrust in his hands and ran his fingers around it. "…glasses?"

"Yeah, Morpheus called, said he wants his specs back." Mikey grinned, not even caring if his brothers remembered the reference. "Besides, those things have more cracks in them than your shell." Which was saying a lot.

It made no difference to Leo what his glasses looked like, he only wore them to hide the shame of his defeat. He didn't like the idea of anything flashy or overly stylish calling attention to his eyes, but if it would make Mikey happy… Besides, it would be nice to think of his baby brother when he fidgeted with them, instead of the dishonor. A welcome respite from his daily guilt-ridden routine. "Thanks Mikey."

As he took his original pair off to replace them, both younger brothers couldn't help but stare at his now exposed eyes. Blank and whitewashed, hiding a myriad of emotions and thoughts that neither would ever know. Mikey idly wondered what it must be like being in the dark all the time…

Eyes hidden once more behind dark glass, Leo turned to his brothers. "How do I look?"

Between the antlers and the tag still sticking out from the glasses, Raph couldn't decide which part made Leo look more ridiculous. But, admittedly, the specs were a nice change from his previous pair. Suited him better. He was surprised by the thought that Leo now looked more like Neo as opposed to Morpheus. How on earth did he still remember that movie?

"Badass, bro." Mikey nodded his approval. "Badass."

He'd never admit it, but Leo liked the sound of that. He took a moment to silently revel in the compliment before wondering who would give their gift next. Mikey answered his question with excitement in his voice.

"Raph's next!"

Leo bristled, suddenly unsure about the exchange. No time to find something else now, he supposed. He reached into his coat and pulled out a small, flat, rectangular package, and handed it to his brother. Cautiously. "Here."

Raph glared at Leo, taking the gift hesitantly. He knew Mikey picked Leo as his Secret Santa, and he'd promised himself he'd play it cool. No fists throwing tonight. Though mugs were never part of the deal…

Staring at the gift, Raph wondered how on earth his blind brother had managed to wrap it so neatly. He peeled back a piece of the paper, not sure what to expect, when a weight suddenly dropped on his chest, stealing his breath. His heart lurched in an all too familiar and painful way. It took all his strength to keep his hands from visibly trembling.

"What is it?" Mikey asked, trying to peek over Raph's shoulder. His smile faded the moment he saw the object in Raph's hands.

A family photo in a picture frame, the torn wrapping revealing the face of their missing brother, Donatello.

Leo felt the temperature of the room drop as everything fell silent. He knew it was a risky gift, but felt it necessary. Raph was as likely to throw it as him as he was to keep it.

He readied himself for the fallout.

As minutes passed, Raph's heart continued to jerk wildly in his chest, images of their lost brother attacking his memory with cold ferocity. Damn Leo. What the hell kind of a gift was this? Damn him!

The urge to throw the frame at his older brother's face was nearly uncontrollable, but Donnie stopped him. That smile, perfectly preserved in a snapshot of a life that could never be again, kept him still. If Raph still knew how to cry, he was sure he would be by now.

God, he missed Donnie.

He should be here. He should be wearing one of these goofy hats, sipping hot chocolate and jawing on about the way Raph could have set up the lights so they were at perfect angles to look like a real tree. He should be here to take care of Mikey, make sure his arm was gonna heal right, and tell him all the things he needed to hear to be comforted, 'cause Donnie was good at that crap.

He should be here instead of Leo. He should be here instead of Raph.

"Donnie…"

Mikey's whispered reverence finally broke the silence, drawing Raph's gaze to his sad smile. Dammit… they was supposed to be making the kid feel better, not dig up old wounds. Dammit Leo, what the hell were you thinking!? Breathing deep so as not to curse aloud, Raph set the photo down gently, not able to bring himself to open it the rest of the way.

"Your turn, numbskull. Here." Raph turned to grab a box he'd hidden away from the others, setting it down beside Mikey before returning to his spot. Surprising it had remained quiet… that could be a bad sign. Too late now.

Mikey's eyes widened at the size of the box as he picked it up. It was a lot lighter than expected.

"Don't shake it!" Raph said suddenly, causing Mikey to place the box down gently.

"Chillax bro, I ain't gonna break it."

"Will you just open it already, before the damn thing wakes up." Or at least he hoped it was asleep…

"Wakes up?" Both brothers spoke in unison, the same puzzled look across their faces. Mikey tore the lid off the box and peered inside. His eyes sparkled with delight at the sight: a baby kitten, white and orange in color, curled up in a ball, fast asleep. "A… kitty? You got me a kitty?" Adorable, but… odd.

"I found him outside my apartment the other day. I ain't no cat person, but it seemed cruel to leave him out in the cold. Only place I could think of he'd be safe is with you." And if Raph couldn't keep his brother company every day, at least someone could.

"Aw, the tin man has a heart!" Mikey gently reached into the box to pet the kitten, who'd woken and stretched, meowing at the intrusion to it's nap. As Mikey stroked it's fur, it's back arched, leaning into the touch even more. "I think he likes me!" Picking the cat up, Mikey held it close to his face, hearing it purr like a motor. "What're we gonna call you, little guy?" He stared at the orange and white critter, trying to think of something more creative than spot or fuzzy. "How about Klunk?"

"Klunk?" Raph chewed the name, finding it to be odd to the taste. "What kind of a name is that?"

"'Cause he fell into our lives!"

"Wouldn't that be more like 'thud'?" Leo wondered aloud.

Mikey thought it over a minute before shaking his head. "Nope, Klunk sounds right. What do you think, little guy?"

The cat couldn't be bothered to care about it's name, but it loved being held. It rubbed it's face against Mikey's, purring ever louder.

Raph smiled with a delight he hadn't felt in years, both at the cat's reaction and the twinkle in his brother's eye as the creature rubbed against him. He put his hand on Mikey's shoulder, feeling a sense of comradery overtake him. "I think he likes it. Looks like the cat's as weird as you are, Mike!"

"Says the guy in the Santa hat!" Mikey barked in laughter as the cat curled into his cheek, tickling his neck.

Leo listened to the exchange with a peaceful expression, sipping his coco, content to simply hear the joyful scene unfold. It was good to hear his brothers sound so relaxed. Amazing, actually. Good to hear them still so full of life.

Good to hear them still alive.

"Dudes, I just realized we're letting the pizza get cold!"

Leo shook his head at the despairing tone in his brother's voice. "Well we best not let it go to waste. Dig in."

Mikey snuggled the kitten close to his face, looking from Klunk curled up in his palm, to the pizza. He turned to Raph. "Can someone lend me a hand?" The awkward silence that followed made the young turtle smirk in victory as he shrugged. "Come on, I had to say it once!"

As Mikey placed the cat on his lap, Raph passed him a slice of pizza before taking one himself, thoroughly enjoying the flavor. He watched as Mikey fed the kitten some cheese, laughing as it tried to go for the rest of the slice. Mikey had always wanted a cat… And Raph couldn't deny the warm feeling that had spread through his veins as he watched his brother. He deserved to be happy.

Mikey of all people deserved to be happy.

The rest of the night was filled with quips, brotherly jabs, and jokes about Raph's close resemblance to The Grinch. They even reminisced a couple times without either Raph or Leo resorting to their usual anger-filled fistfights. That in itself was a Christmas miracle. There were several moments of tension filled remarks where it seemed like the two might fight, but one glance at their youngest brother had stayed their anger for another time.

Late into the merriment, Mikey had finally felt exhaustion settle in. He tried to keep his eyes open as long as possible, but it had been a very long day. And while being around his brothers had given him energy beyond what he thought he was capable of nowadays, he was only a month out of surgery and his body still hadn't caught up with him yet. Leo finally forced the party to a close, but only by reassuring Mikey that he and Raph would both still be there in the morning before saying their goodbyes.

Raph leaned against a box, arms folded as his eyes studied his younger brother's sleeping form curled up next to him, a hint of a grin still tracing his lips. He could never say it out loud, especially to Mikey's face, but he missed the kid. Fiercely. Anytime Raph was around him it was like he remembered how to breathe. Everything seemed clearer and he understood his place in the world.

Not like with Leo. It was the exact opposite with Leo.

Speak of the devil, Leonardo had finished stuffing the decorations back in the box and now approached their sleeping brother and his bodyguard. "He finally crash?"

"Out like a light." Raph noticed Klunk move to curl up near Mikey's good arm, attempting to steal warmth. It was getting a bit chilly in here as the night wore on. Reflexively, Raph brought a hand to his younger brother's shoulder, feeling the temperature of it. "He's cold." And Raph had already given his coat as a pillow.

"Here." The black trench coat was held at a distance, Leo clearly not wanting Raph to see him without it. And the younger turtle could see why; his brother had scars covering most of his body. Burns, cuts, bruises and more, all littering his skin and shell like a papier-mâché portrait. It made Raph sick. Not that he cared, but Leo should learn to take better care of himself.

Idiot.

Though admittedly, while it was Mikey that made the evening as cheerful as it was, Leo being there hadn't spoiled it entirely. It had been a very long time since Raph was able to be within the same city limit as his old leader without wanting to test his metal in a duel to the death. But tonight… it was almost like he'd been able to forget. Almost like none of this burning war raging around them ever happened.

Almost like they were a family again.

"Thank you." The words of gratitude from Leo were unexpected, bringing Raph's gaze to him after laying the coat over their younger sibling. "For coming. And mostly for staying. I know you didn't want to."

"Can it, Fearless. I wanted to be here as much as you." He saw Leo flinch at his old nickname, but didn't bother to say anything about it. "'Sides… it wasn't so bad."

"Crooked tree and all?"

"You know what, Leo?" Raph's tone was almost playfully angry. "I have a gesture for ya, if only you could see it."

"You don't have that finger."

"True. But it's the thought that counts."

A sigh of contentment escaped the sleeping turtle's lips, flipping both older siblings attention to him. Raph stared at his baby brother as he breathed deep. "You were right." The words tasted bitter in his mouth, but once they were out, there was no going back. "We shoulda been there for Mikey."

Leonardo remained crouched as he was, seeming almost like he was staring past Raph's shoulder. He said nothing, no words of rejection or objection, feeling the truth bore a hole in his heart.

"Never again. Next time, we're there. No excuses."

Again, Leo didn't argue.

It took several more minutes of strained, rigid silence before Raph finally spoke again, asking the question that had been bothering him all night. "What was with the picture? You knew how I'd feel about it." He knew Raph would take it hard, and likely refuse to look at it. So why bother?

"Thought you might need a reminder." Leo said plainly, sitting on a nearby crate.

"Reminder of what? Everything we lost?"

"Everything we still have to fight for." His lifeless eyes dropped to their baby brother, almost as though they could see him. "A reminder that you're not alone. That you still have family." Even if Leo wasn't considered a part of it.

Raph couldn't help but snap back. "Since when have you known me to need a reason to fight?"

That managed to pull a hint of a smile from the old leader. "Fair enough." But his tone grew grave immediately. "It's just… You've been… different, lately. Depressed. I thought—"

"Different?" Raph guffawed. "Leo, I ain't seen you since last Christmas, how in the shell would you know if I was different?" It took a great amount of effort to keep his voice low so as not to wake their baby brother, but Leo was treading on thin ice. Shouldn't have bothered to ask the damn question…

"I see you around the city." He could feel the confusion and immediate anger shot in his direction, so he quickly explained. "Not in person, obviously, I mean your work. It's not difficult to distinguish between a planned rebellion raid and a bad night of rage venting."

Raph almost felt a twinge of pride at that, even if his brother meant it as an insult.

"Normally when I come across your handiwork, it's… explosive. Passionate, even. But lately it's been more subdued."

Setting aside his disagreement—there was no way his late night rage brawls were getting subdued—Raph felt his hackles rising again. What was Leo trying to say, he was getting lazy or something? "So? Maybe I ain't been in a mood for explosives."

Leo paused a long moment, trying to decide whether to keep the conversation going or not. "…Okay. If you say so."

There was that damn tone again. Raph cracked his knuckles. "So that's it? You thought I was gettin' lazy and figured a picture of our dead brother was gonna help?"

Leonardo sighed. How did he explain this?

Over the years he'd seen his brother pull farther and farther away, losing himself to his fears and grief, and felt entirely helpless to do anything. Leo couldn't stand being in the same room as him, but being away was even worse. Because the fear that his brother would do something stupid and get himself killed was constant and powerful. He had to do something.

The picture was one Leo kept on his person at all times. It reminded him why he fought the Foot. Why he had to beat Shredder alone. Why he had to stay alive. And Raph needed that. Leo could hear it louder every time they met up. Whatever battle raged inside his brother that kept him from storming Shredder's lair on a suicide run was slowly being lost as the years passed.

Leo hoped a reminder of who they fought for would help keep Raph here. Keep him amongst the living.

Keep Leo and Mikey from having to burry yet another member of their family.

But of course, telling any of that to Raph would just set him off. "It helped me over the years. I thought it might help you too." Was all he could figure to say.

But his answer was sincere enough that it gave Raph pause to cool his head. He took a moment, trying to digest the idea, mulling it over in his brain as he breathed deep and released his anger. He couldn't help a glance at the frame, still lying on the floor with only the one tear revealing Donnie's face. Raph hated that it choked him to see his younger brother's picture, but it did. Choked the life from his lungs and stopped his heart cold.

He missed him. He missed Donnie so much. He missed his family. He missed Sensei, and April, and Casey. He missed Mikey. And yes, from time to time, he even missed Leo.

Shell.

"I can't promise I'll keep it." He finally said, his nonchalant tone covering any wavering emotions on the subject.

"I understand."

But he didn't understand. Leo'd never understand that such a simple object would become Raph's most treasured possession. That one measly photo would be what spurred Raph's fiery spirit a blaze in the years to come. That it would remain in his pocket, hidden from the world and protected at all times, giving him reasons to cling to life even in the worst situations.

Because Leo was right… he needed a reminder. He needed to remember his family, both living and dead. To remember he still had them to hold onto, even if from a distance.

"Leo," Raph could never admit to any of that. He still hated his brother. Hated him for not saving Don. Hated him for leaving Splinter to die. Hated him for not finding a way to end this stupid war.

But most of all, he hated him for being too blind to see that Raphael's rage was born of fear. He was afraid he was losing the rest of his family, so he pushed them away before it could happen. Because losing Splinter had been painful. Losing Donnie had been downright agony. And losing anyone else would be the end of it. His end.

"Yeah?"

Raph hated Leo because he still cared about him, and it pissed him off. But tonight. just for tonight, it didn't. Tonight being around Leo felt right. Tonight, seeing that picture brought memories, painful but refreshing. Tonight he was happy to remember he still had family. Always.

Looking down at his baby brother, smiling in his sleep, Raph breathed deep, feeling a peace of mind come over him that he'd thought had been lost nearly a decade ago. The peace of mind he'd always felt when his brothers were around him.

Whole.

"Merry Christmas."

The older turtle felt his lips crack into the slightest of smiles.

"Merry Christmas, Raphael."

~~~~~~~

I think this was one of my favorite pieces to write. I love Leo/Raph tension (as I'm sure you can tell by now). Comments/Critiques always welcome.

End of Line.

I stare at the body, my hands covered in as much blood as his chest, and I know with certainty that the man who orchestrated my brother’s death is finally eradicated from existence. As he should be. As he deserved.

But the pain in my chest is still there.

It still hurts. As much as it did three months ago. As much as it did when I watched him take in his last breath.

As much as it did when I realized my dumb, worthless ass, had gotten my brother killed.

A sudden dizzy spell brings me out of my stupor, and my eyes dart around the room in a panic. My family. They’re here, I saw them. The explosion… I heard more Dragons being thrown about on that side of the warehouse, which means someone is over there. I need to go look. To find them. To protect them. To keep them from leaving me like he did…

What if I just got them all killed? What if they’re all…

I sink to my knees without realizing, my body feeling heavier every second. There’s a pain in my side now too, and it takes a moment for me to remember I’ve been hurt. My hand goes to cover the wound immediately.

“Pressure.”

He whispers in my ear. I do as he says. I haven’t the heart to argue anymore. I want to do what he says. I want to hear him bark orders.

“Keep pressure. Stop the bleeding.”

I want him to be here. With me.

“Keep them bright eyes open. If you pass out, I can’t give you CPR.”

I can’t help but crack a smile. I still can’t see him, but I feel him sitting next to me, his hand over mine as he helps me keep the pressure on. “Duly noted.” I say before spitting a hock of blood from my airways.

The room’s gettin’ mighty fuzzy. I feel myself list to one side, but when I go to catch myself Leo stops me, holding his hand over mine to keep the blood at bay.

“If I leave, you bleed out.”

I’m about to reply with my own wit when I hit the floor. Right… I was falling. But his hand’s still on my side. Still helping keep me here. Keep me safe.

Always.

“Leo…” I still can’t see him. I keep looking for that blue bandana and those fretting eyes, but they're not anywhere in the room. Everything’s starting to go dark. My family… where are my—

I feel his hand though.

“Leo…”

“It’s okay, dude, we got you.”

That’s not Leo’s voice. Still familiar. Still comforting. But not Leo.

I know that voice. “Mi—“ I’m suddenly coughing, the familiar taste of bile and copper mixing in my mouth. But I gotta be sure. They’re here. They’re okay. “Mikey?”

“I’m here!” He sounds desperate. “I’m here, just squeeze my hand if you can’t see me.”

I hadn’t even noticed his hand was in mine. Gripping tightly. I think. Can’t feel it. Can’t feel much. But I can hear just fine, and his terror rings out clear as a bell.

I’ve scared him. Again.

It’s always me. The big screwup…

“You’re not.”

Blue flickers at the edges of my vision. Just beyond the dark. Just out of sight. Just… barely…

“You’re a much better person than you think you are.”

I don’t know if it’s what he’s saying or the fact that I still can’t find him, but I start to panic, coughing as I try and sit up. He’s here. I need to find him. See him. Just once. “C-Come back!” I’m spittin’ blood, and I know I shouldn’t move, there’s a voice saying I shouldn’t move, but I have to. I have to find him!

“You still don’t get it.”

It’s driving me crazy the way he keeps saying that! “Get what!?”

But it’s not Leo that answers.

“Get out of here. Casey and Sensei can only hold them off for so long.”

Don. He’s safe too.

“I won’t lose another brother to your temper!”

Don knows. He knows the truth. Knows what I am. The thought is another knife in my chest. I try to find his eyes, but they’re focused on something in my side. My wound? Am I still bleeding? Can’t feel it anymore…

I need to—I should say something. Don and Mike, they don’t deserve this. Don’t deserve me. My brain ain’t workin’ right and my lips feel as numb as my hands, but I need to tell them. It takes a good solid effort—damn I’m gettin’ tired—but I finally manage to clear the blood from my throat so I can speak.

“Don…”

I sound pathetic. Weak. And I don’t get past the name before my strength fades again. But I need them to know. Should have said it before. Should have told them all the time. Should have…

Shouldn’t have said it. Shouldn’t have shouted.

“I DON’T NEED YOU!”

Dammit. I can’t make my mouth work. I don’t know if it’s because I’m bleedin’ out or because I’m so damn bad at telling them how much I care, but I can’t do it.

Gotta try again. “D-Don…”

My eyes finally manage to focus a little, and I can see Don and Mikey trying to stand me up, Mike taking point with his nunchaku out and spinning, and Don beside me with my arm over his shoulder, trying to drag my ass through the warehouse.

There are tears running down his cheeks.

Dammit.

“Just save your strength, Raph. We can talk after we get you fixed up, okay? After we’re home and safe.”

“Save the lecture for after we get home.”

The thought suddenly strikes me that I might not make it home. I’ve been thinking it all night, but just now it really sinks in. Becomes real. Maybe it’s because I can feel it happening. I can feel myself going. The darkness at the edge of my vision keeps growing and I know this is it.

I slide my eyes over to peak at Mikey who’s whipping his weapon in an unsuspecting Dragon’s face. Makes me proud, I gotta admit.

Dammit.

A sudden chill runs down my body as the cold hand of dread snakes through my veins. I can’t… I can’t leave ‘em. But I don’t think I got a choice in the matter anymore. Can’t feel. Can’t think. Can barely keep my eyes open. Thoughts are draining through my mind like a sieve and I can barely tell if my feet are under me anymore.

I think… I think I’m leaving…

Dammit!

If only I hadn’t gone out on my own.

“You shouldn’t have left.”

It’s always me. I’m always the one screwing it all up. If only I’d stayed.

“Because you took off! And I didn’t want you out here fighting alone.”

If only I’d listened.

“We’re going back. Now.”

Why didn’t I listen?

“We’re a team Raph. We need to stick together.”

If only…

“RAPH!”

If only Leo was—

“Still here.”

My eyes snap open—when did I close them?—and the room’s gone. Everything’s disappeared and I’m standing in the middle of this endless white. I can hear Mike and Don shouting frantically around me, but I can’t see them anymore.

It feels like I should be panicking, but there’s something about this place that soothes my frayed nerves in a way that’s almost… familiar.

And then he steps forward. Blue bandana flitting behind his head, one katana upon his back, and a knowing smile across his face.

Not a vision. Not a figment or an apparition. It’s really him. In the flesh.

“…Leo?”

I hear him chuckle at how tentative my voice is.

“Hey Raph.”

It’s his voice. Really his. He’s here, speaking to me. Staring at me. And suddenly I can’t breathe.

“Still getting into trouble, I see.”

He looks at me like he’s waiting for a response, but I can’t give one. I can’t remember how to make my lungs work. He just smiles and walks towards me, eyes bright and almost dancing behind that blue bandana of his. I look him over as he walks and… and there’s no more… no more blood. His stomach is fine, his plastron fully intact, not a drop of red anywhere to be seen.

He’s suddenly right in front of me and I know if I could move I’d be doing something embarrassing like hugging him or something. But I can’t. Can. Not. Move.

If I move he might…

I close my eyes to try and find some semblance of balance when I feel a tight embrace. I feel his breath against my head, feel his heart beating against my chest.

“I’m here.”

I don’t know what happened. Something in me snaps, I can feel the break as it gives way. And suddenly there’s water streaking down my face as my arms shoot around my brother’s shell.

He’s here. Just like he said he’d be.

There are no words… I can’t…

His hand comes up to my neck, holding me there for a moment, when I hear him sniffle. I pull away quickly to see tears streaking down his cheeks.

I ain’t ever seen Leo cry before.

He must have understood the dumb look on my face because he just smiles wide at me and wipes the streaks away.

“I’ve missed you.”

His words strike a chord somewhere deep in my chest. I want to reply, but I… I got nothin’. I just stare at him, wondering when the dream is gonna end and trying not to grip his arms too tight. I watch as he looks me up and down like he always did when he was checking for wounds or injuries I wasn’t coppin’ to.

Finally he clamps my shoulder with his hand—warm and firm and not a spec of blood on it—and gives me a bit of a shake.

“You shouldn’t be here.”

Before I can even bat an eyelash in protest he’s pointing past my shoulder. I turn and see Mike and Don, almost faded behind this veil of white, like a movie screen with the brightness level way too high. They’re kneeling beside something on the ground that looks like it’s covered in—

Wait… is that…me?

I look from the body to my hands and back at least four times before I finally find my voice. “…Am I—“

“—dead?” Leo shakes his head humorously. “No, not yet. But you don’t have much time.”

My mind is reeling. I can’t seem to find purchase on anything he says. I’m still standing there, probably looking as confused as I feel, when he walks past me to stare at Mike and Don, a familiar twinge to his eyes.

Fondness and worry. Or “Forry” as Mike had dubbed it at one point. I just knew it as the “Leo look”.

He watches quietly, his eyes moving from one brother to the other like he’s trying to drink in every detail before they disappear. Suddenly Sensei is there beside them, his hand on—I guess that would be my head?—and Leo’s face shifts to something that looks awfully close to shame. He holds up his hand, like he’s going to reach out and touch the picture of our father, before pulling it back and closing his eyes.

I don’t think I’m breathing. I’m just watching him in silence, studying every inch of his face while my heart thumps so heavily in my chest, I’m surprised it hasn’t burst through my plastron yet.

“They’re in so much pain…”

The way he speaks… it’s like daggers. Thin needles, poking just deep enough to pierce the nerve and flare with pain. He sounds tormented. Hurt. And the scariest part is he’s not trying to hide it.

“Leo…” His name croaks out like I’ve just swallowed a cigar, but as I’m about to try again, he’s speaking. Low and calm and unjudgemental.

His back in still to me. Still facing our brothers. Our family.

“If you wanted to live, you’d already be fighting your way back to them. It would be close, but you could make it. We both know you could. But you’re not fighting. You’re here.”

Wait… what? Was he saying I’m choosing to die? That’s not—

“Are you?”

An ire burns in my stomach that makes me want to shout in his face for even suggesting something so stupid. But it dies the moment I realize the pain in my chest is gone. For the first time in three months I don’t feel like someone is staking my heart with a hot rod-iron.

I… I want to be here. With my brother. With Leo. I don’t want to leave him.

“I…” But the words won’t come. Everything clogs at the back of my throat as I turn to stare at my family—Casey standing over me with his hands in fists and blood on his knuckles, Sensei stroking my head and whispering like he’s trying to coax me to wake up, Mikey clutching my hand like it’s tethering him to sanity, and Don working frantically to patch me up while I bleed all over the roof—and I can feel my fingers curling into my palm.

DAMMIT.

“I can’t. I can’t leave them.”

I know it’s cowardly, but I keep my eyes on the ground ‘cause I know if I look up—if I see his face all sad and worried and filled with shame and telling me he misses me—I’m going to lose it. I’m going to give in. I’m gonna stay by his side and refuse to leave, consequences be damned.

I think my whole body is shaking as I stand there. I’m barely holding it together when I feel his hand on my shoulder. Don’t Leo… just don’t…

“Thank God.”

I can’t help but look up in my surprise and he’s standing there in front of me, a big wide smile on his face and something glinting in his eyes that makes my bones ache I’ve missed it so much.

Pride.

He wants me to go.

“They need you.”

I don’t mean to scoff, but I can’t help it. I know he’s trying to be nice and all, but we both know the truth. Know it all too well…

He’s suddenly got his arm around my shoulder, turning me to face our family. The white haze that separates us has grown thicker to the point that I can barely see them, but I still make out the general shapes. They’re at the lair now, in Don’s medical bay. Don’s standing over me as April—when did she get there?—hands him bandages and Casey watches from a distance. Mikey’s still holding my hand for dear life, tears falling on my skin as he sits beside me with Sensei’s arm draped over his shoulder.

The fear is so thick I can taste it.

“They need you, Raph.”

I want to believe him. I do. I know my family would miss me.

They shouldn’t. Not after I—

Casey would throw a fit. Mikey would cry. Don would wall himself away.

They should be thankful. I only cause trouble. I never listen. If I’d listened, Leo would still be—

April would square her shoulders and bare it for everyone’s sake. And Sensei would be left to pick up the pieces.

I didn’t mean to. I didn’t. I didn’t mean what I said. I swear. Leo, I swear I didn’t—

“Raph.”

His hand’s on my shoulder again, squeezing to get my attention. I just stare at him. Stare at his blue bandana. Stare at his green skin. Stare at those eyes that never stop worrying.

“I don’t need your orders.”

Not hurt or angry.

“I don’t need your leadership.”

Why aren’t they angry? They should be. I deserve it.

“I DON’T NEED YOU!”

What have I done?

I fall to my knees, my muscles all failing from the anguish now charging through me. How could I? Why did I want to hurt him so badly? He was just being protective big brother. Just being Leo. How could I… I…

I was just being me.

Just being…

Just let me be. Let me stay here. Let me stay with him.

“NO!”

His voice is almost shrill with fear, so much so it startles me into looking at him. He grabs my other shoulder so tightly, I nearly wince at the pressure.

“You can’t stay. You can’t. Please. I can’t stop you—I can’t make you go—but you have to! You have to!”

I’m still trying to form my reply when he takes me by the back of the head and touches his forehead to mine. I fall silent, leaning into the touch more than I ever have before.

“Please Raph, you have to understand. I want you here. I do. I want you to stay with me. I miss you more than I can…” He pauses, and I can hear the brokenness in his voice being forced to the back. “But they need you. You have to go back to them. Please. Please.”

I almost didn’t hear what he was saying ‘cause I’m so focused on the touch. His forehead against mine is such an unexpected comfort… I don’t want to think about anything else. I want to stay. I need to stay. I can’t leave him. Not again. Never again. I can’t—

But Mike and Don. I can’t leave them either. Can’t leave them alone to deal with everything—three months I’ve been out of it, I don’t even know how badly they’ve been hurtin’—I can’t leave ‘em. I can’t.

But Leo…

I can’t.

I…

“Raph!”

I look up and Leo’s glancing back at the picture of the others. It’s fading again, the picture washing out so much I can barely see anything. Mikey’s standing up—I think it’s Mikey—and shouting at me on the table. I ain’t seen him cry like that since the rooftop…

I must be fading. It’s now or never, I can feel it. Stay or go. Either way, I abandon a brother.

I don’t know what to do!

I know I’m of no use to them over there, Mike and Don are better off without me. But they’ll hurt… they’ll morn… and I can’t stand to see ‘em cry.

But Leo. I can’t. Leave. Leo.

He suddenly stands me up, his face hardened in resolution, looking to me as he steps aside. “Whatever you decide. I’m with you.”

I stare at the fading picture of my family huddled around me, holding my hands, shoutin’ for me to stay with ‘em, begging me to open my eyes.

And my feet don’t move.

I look to Leo—my leader, my elder, my brother—and I feel ashamed. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry!”

I can’t do it. I can’t…

And he just looks at me with those kind eyes again.

Kind and sad.

“I know.” His voice is so calm as he touches me on the shoulder. Always calm. Always in control.

I hate him.

I miss him.

I need him.

But I can’t stay.

I reach out and touch the picture of my family, a cold film—like brushing the surface of the lake out at the farmhouse—meets my hand. Suddenly there’s a pain in my chest, sharp and intense, like a blade cutting out my heart. I can’t help it, I fall to my knees clutching my torso and gasping for breath, staring at Leo.

Still here. Hasn’t left. Still here.

“It’s okay.” He whispers quietly, hand still on my shoulder as he kneels beside me. “Let me help.” He reaches out and touches the film, grabbing a handful in his fingers and tearing a chunk away. He flinches, his eyes pinching shut like they do when he’s fighting off a serious bout of pain and—

Connection. I don’t know why or how but I don’t care to ask because suddenly I can feel him. I can feel Leo. I hear his thoughts, I know his fears and desires, I feel his pain.

We’re connected. For this one brief moment I know my brother better than I ever did before. I know he’s hurting. I know he’s desperate for me to leave, to go back and protect our family.

I know he wishes more than anything that he could come with me.

The sting is intensifying with each passing second. It’s like bolts of electricity jolting from one nerve to next, setting my skin on fire. I reach out and pull at the film, tearing it away as Leo was, ripping it apart as best I can amidst the throbbing of my body.

I can see beyond the screen now. Nothing but darkness. Endless. Emtpy. And suddenly I’m terrified of it.

“Go Raph!” Leo shouts at me amidst his grunts of pain, trying his damnedest to keep this barrier at bay so I can squeeze through. “Quickly! You’re out of time!”

I know. I know! Now or never. Literally. But I look up at Leo—stare at those heavy shoulders and those eyes alight with fire and determination—and I can’t help but pause. Because I feel him. And I feel something I never thought I would in his mind.

Fear.

Afraid that I’m leaving.

Afraid that I won’t.

The pain is too much. “Leo—“

“RAPHAEL!”

Mikey. That was Mikey’s voice. Hurt and scared. I suck in as deep a breath as I can and turn to my older brother. To see him. To take him in.

One last time.

“I know you don’t need me.” He says before I can open my mouth. “You never got it, Raph.” My stomach churns. “That it’s not—“

“Leo,”

“That I need—“

“Wait,”

“Remember what I told you. That night. The last thing I said. Remember it. Please… never forget it.”

“ LEO!”

I let go.

My body slips through the barrier and the pain disappears. I’m floating in the darkness, my body practically weightless.

My eyes locked on Leo.

He lets go of the film, a huff of exhaustion blowing past his lips as he looks almost shocked that I actually made it through.  

He waves at me. Smiling. Tears running down his cheeks.

My heart is in my throat as part of me is suddenly panicking, clawing to go back and bring him with me. But the other half is just as desperate to get back home. Back to Sensei. Back to Casey and April.

Back to my brothers.

My skin is tingling.

Something warm washes through my body like a breeze of hot air, warming me inside and out. It’s comforting. I try to focus on it, focus on the warmth and ignore the dread. My stomach finally starts to settle as I breathe deep.

Another pain hits me, duller than before, more like the constant ache of a sore muscle. In my stomach this time. I go to reach for it, but my hand is like lead. I suck in a breath and steady myself—just like liftin’ weights—and force my hand to move. It’s slow, shaky, but does the job. I feel around my stomach—it feels different, smoother—till I come to something soft. Gauze, if I had to guess. Must be bandaged. No doubt the result of a sleepless night for—

“Raph?”

Don. I don’t need to see him to know he’s exhausted. His voice is as tired and weary as it always is when one of us is out of commission. And if he’s here, that means Mikey must be nearby.

“Raph!”

Right on cue. I can feel the others around me stir, gathering closer. Can feel Mikey squeeze my free hand tightly (can't see, but I know it’s him).

My heart feels like it’s beatin’ out of my chest, and it’s not because of the effort it’s taking to drag air into my lungs.

I’m scared. Scared to face them. After everything that’s happened… after everything I did.

“He told you not to go!”

And they don’t even know everything. They weren’t there. They didn’t see…

I should tell them. Everything. But if I do they’ll know it was me. They’ll know it was my fault. That none of this would have happened if I’d been paying attention. And I can’t handle having them look at me like that.

“You owe us for getting our brother killed!”

It feels like there’s a cinderblock on my chest. I try to speak, to tell them what happened—I swear I do—but the words just won’t come out.

“It’s okay, bro.” Mikey’s wrapping his other hand around mine and gripping tight, his voice as steady as a rock. “You’re home and safe and that’s all that matters right now.”

Mikey and his insight, I swear. “Mike…”

“We can talk when you’re feeling better.”

I’m still trying to figure out how in the hell he knew when I’m steamrolled by a headache. I flinch as I feel exhaustion overpower my senses. Still can’t open my eyes. The fatigue is growing with each passing second, and I suddenly don’t know why I’m fighting it.

“Rest, Raphael. “

Sensei’s voice is like a breath of fresh air. It feels like I haven’t heard him talk in months. Maybe I haven’t. Can’t remember… but damn it’s good to hear it now. And he sure doesn’t have to tell me twice, I don’t think it’s a minute before my body relaxes and I’m out like a light.

Last thing I remember is Sensei placing a hand on my chest and leaning in to whisper in my ear. “Yoku nemuru, my son.”

And after three months of running, I’m finally home.  

~*~*~*~*~*~ Previous < - > Next Masterpost

See, I told you we'd find comfort eventually.

Comments/Critiques are always welcome.

End of Line.

“I miss him tucking me in after a nightmare.” Mikey sounds like he’s on the verge of tears too. “I miss watching him train. I miss trying to sneak up on him while he meditated.” They both snort a quick laugh. “I miss hearing him tell us it’s all going to be okay. ‘Cause even when we knew it wasn’t, he was so convincing I always believed him.”

They pause—to hug or something, I assume—and I feel myself moving away. I can’t take hearing this anymore.

Can't take hearing them so broken.

Can’t take hearing about him.

“After everything we’ve been through, everything we’ve survived, I can’t believe it was a stupid bullet…” Mikey is full on crying now. I don’t know if it’s his tears or his words, but I’m suddenly at war with myself; my brain says run, run as far you can until your legs stop working and darkness finds you.

But my feet move me in the wrong direction.

“Why this time? Why couldn’t we get to him in time? Why was he the one who—“

“Because of me.”

I feel their eyes on me like darts on a target, probably as surprised by my sudden appearance as I am. Everything in me screams to get out of here. To stay silent. To never speak of that night again as long as I live. But here I am, standing in front of my brothers, admitting my sin. Because my instinct to run nearly got my family killed last month. I’m not about to let it happen again.

“Tell them…”

I suck in a breath and grind my teeth and force the words out.

“He was trying to bring me back to the warehouse to help you two, but I didn’t like that he’d come after me. Didn’t want to be ordered around.”

It sounds so stupid now. So petty. I’d felt entirely justified at the time.

I’d felt…

“I DON’T NEED YOU!”

My fingers curl into my palm before my hands start shaking. Hatred boils in me like a volcano about to erupt. Hatred like I’ve never felt for any of the villains we’ve ever faced.

Hatred for myself.

“So I did what I always do, I got mad. I shouted at him. Argued with him. Tried to slug him.”

I barely have time to process the fear in his voice as my fist flies through the air at his jaw.

“Suddenly I’m skidding across to the other side of the roof. He pushed me outta the way of something…“

Anger rises as I prepare the mother of all curses to hurl at my brother, who’s staring off into the distance, sword drawn and ready.

“I didn’t see it… I was so focused on being angry at him that I didn’t notice the sniper. But Leo did.” Leo always did.

I scan the horizon of roofs until I come across the intrusion; an lone purple dragon on the adjacent building, weapon lying limply in his lap, fighting to wrench free from the blade now pinning him to a chimney through his shoulder. Just barely above his heart. His frantic spasms last all of a minute before he stills entirely. Permanently.

“When I looked up, I saw the guy by the chimney with a katana through his chest, and Leo just standin’ there. He was… he was bleedin’… He—“

A chill runs down my spine as I freeze in place, staring at the watery puddle of red that’s slowly crawling towards me. For a minute, my vision blurs. Everything seems to shut down as I slowly look up, tracking the blood to it’s source.

Leo’s staring down at his hand by his stomach, eyes wide.

There’s blood dripping down his fingers.

Dammit. I slam my eyes shut and gulp down the sob that’s begging to come out. My fists are clenched so tight I can’t even feel ‘em anymore.

Run. Run away.

No! Just say it. Say it and be done with it. Be done with them. They’ll hate and curse and never speak to me again, but at least they’ll know. Might even bring them some closure. I owe them that much, at least.

“Tell them…”

“The bullet was meant for me. He pushed me outta the way… He took it. But it was supposed to be me.” I can’t breathe past the lump in my throat. My fist is itching for something hard to connect with. I wanna look up and see if they’re even still standing there, but I don’t dare. Can’t ever look ‘em in the eyes again. “It’s my fault.”

The denial nearly chokes me. It can’t be… there’s no way….

“Leo’s dead ‘cause of me.”

The minute his name leaves my lips I can’t stand being in the room any longer. I want to apologize, want to say I’m sorry, but it’s pointless. It doesn’t mean anything… it won’t bring him back. It won’t change what happened.

What I did.

I can’t fight it anymore. I’m half way out the room before I can blink and I’m shaking so hard I nearly run into the door on my way out.

I don’t get two feet down the hall before I’m abruptly lilting. My hand grasps at the wall to keep me steady, but the room is spinning and I’m not sure which way is up anymore. I hear shouting from behind me, and Mikey’s suddenly at my side with my arm over his shoulder. Don runs in front of me, his eyes searching to find what’s wrong. He’s talking—I can see his lips moving—but I can’t hear a word. There’s a ringing in my ears that drowns everything out.

Don’s eyes lock with mine. Those eyes that know I killed our brother.

I think I’m gonna be sick.

My lids close of their own volition as I feel myself falling.

“Raph… Don’t—“

Leo?

“Don’t shut them out. They’ll need…”

Fearless…

Darkness takes me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“You think you don’t measure up?”

“I know… you don’t need me.”

“Remember what I told you. That night. The last thing I said. Remember it. Please… never forget it.”

“RAPH!”

I jack-knife upright so fast it makes me dizzy. Like a top that loses speed, I tip over and fall back onto my bed, my eyes snapping shut in a futile attempt to keep the headache at bay. Flashes of memory from the last few days keep jumping in front of me like a movie trailer on fast forward. It takes at least a good two minutes before my mind calms down enough to think clearly and notice someone’s hand on my shoulder, trying to hold me steady.

Worried eyes behind an orange bandana are staring down at me, telling me to lay still. “…Mike?”

“I’m here.” No jokes. That’s never a good sign with him. “Stay still, I’m gonna go get Donnie—“

“No, don’t—” I go to grab his arm, but the sudden movement pulls something in my side, sending a shooting pain across my whole upper body. I can’t hide the wince as my hand goes for the bandages—I think I may have popped a stitch or two—and Mike sits right back down.

“You okay?”

I only nod, afraid my voice might give away how much this stings. Fortunately Mikey stays quiet for the next few moments while I get a handle on it.

Too quiet. Mike’s never this quiet. Not unless he’s really upset. Maybe silence isn’t the best policy right now. “What happened?”

He’s off in another world, staring at my bandages, so I move my hand and try again. “Hey,” He’s still eyeing my injury. “What happened?”

“It was stress.” Don comes through the door, his voice steady and low. I can’t tell if that’s comforting or ominous, but as he closes the door it feels like the latter. “Your body was so at war with itself, it had no choice but to shut down. Reboot.”

Admittedly I’m only half listening because it takes a good amount of focus for me to sit up after that incident; I hate talking to people while lying down, feels far too vulnerable. “How long was I out?” Just a question to keep them occupied. It's taking more effort than I thought to move, so I don’t want them to see me grimace as I trudge to the edge of the bed.

Definitely wasn’t expecting Don’s answer.

“Seventy-two hours.”

“Three days!?”

“Honestly, I don’t think it was enough. It’s only been a month since the warehouse and that stab wound was not minor. You clearly needed the rest.”

I feel their eyes move to my torso, staring at the bandages, and the room goes suddenly quiet. Still. Like someone sucked the oxygen out of the room and we’re all holding our breath to keep from choking.

I’m waiting for Mike to part the silence with a joke or a quip like he usually does, but he’s barely breathing. They’re both just there, staring at me and trying not to catch my eyes. I feel like a caged animal at the zoo.

Run. Run away.

The impulse is so strong, I’m on my feet before I catch the thought and stop it. It freaks my brothers out and they’re both standing with their hands out like their ready to stop me.

Brothers… am I even allowed to call them that anymore? Or did that privilege get buried up at the farmhouse too?

My chest tightens so fast I’m winded. I turn away so they can’t see my face. I should say something… but what else can I—what other words could possibly—“sorry” isn’t enough. Will never be.

“Leo’s dead ‘cause of me.”

My fist is in the wall before I can stop it. Need the pain. Need the connection to keep me here. Keep me from—

“I know... you don’t need me.”

Dammit.

“You still… don’t get it.”

Not again.

“It’s that I—“

I have to get out of here!

“Don’t shut them out.”

It pops into my head just as I’m about to book it for the door.

“They’ll need…”

“—You.”

Clarity comes a little slow. I only catch the tail end of Mikey’s sentence as he grips my torso.

“What?”

“Don’t go, Raph. Stay. Please. We need you.”

He’s not even looking at me. His face is buried in my side as he hugs me close, like he’s afraid to let go.

“Please…”

I… I don’t know what to do. I don’t… he shouldn't want this. He should be furious with me, should hate my guts! He shouldn’t be begging me to stay. He shouldn’t be waiting by my bed. He shouldn’t be here! I shouldn’t be here!

“Why?” I didn’t mean to ask, I meant to leave. But I can’t help myself. “How can you just… You heard me right? I killed Leo!” My voice cracks as I say his name, which only makes Mikey’s grip tighter. “I killed him…”

“You didn’t!”

Don finds his voice with sudden urgency. He sounds… desperate? I still can’t look at him.

“The Dragons pulled the trigger. Their bullet, their gun. And…” He swallows thickly, not even trying to hide the emotion in his voice. “Leo’s choice.”

My whole body goes rigid.

“He saw it coming and chose to protect you. We all know once Leo’s in protective mode, there’s no stopping him.” He pauses a moment, like he’s enjoying that last thought, before his voice gets intensely serious. “It was his choice, Raph. None of this was your fault. I… I never should have blamed you.”

My eyes snap shut. “You were right—“

“No, I wasn’t! I was angry and scared and hurt, and I thought blaming someone would make the pain go away, but it didn’t, and I never should have blamed you! The dragons set the trap. They’re the ones to blame. They—“ A shrivelled sob escapes him, and it makes my heart lurch. “They took Leo… they killed him. He’s gone because of… because of…”

The minute he starts crying, I can’t help myself. I grab his shell and pull him close, wrapping my arms around him in a vice grip. I half expected him to pull away, but he leans into it hard, burying his face in my shoulder as he lets the tears flow.

Mikey breaks down the minute Don stops talking, crying almost as hard and sobbing much louder. I move one arm to cloak his shoulders and pull him close as well.

And suddenly I feel something rattle loose in my chest. With a brother under each arm and tears wetting each shoulder, relief sweeps over me with such intensity my legs can’t hold me up. I fall to my knees, bringing both brothers with me, and I breathe deep for what feels like the first time in forever. They don’t seem to notice, only holding me tighter as we kneel on the floor of my bedroom.

I need this. I need this moment to be there for them and share their pain. I need this connection, this contact, this tether.

I need them. And they’re here. And for the first time since that night, the urge to run disappears entirely.

I pull them closer, suddenly terrified they’ll disappear like a dream. They both lean into it, crying harder and gripper tighter. Don must have felt the same fear because he abruptly blubbers quietly into my shoulder and throws a vice grip around my shell.

“Please don’t leave. I’m so sorry… It wasn’t your fault. Please Raph, please don’t leave us again. Please…”

I will never forget how broken he sounded.

My hand goes to the back of his head—Leo always did that when he got emotional—and I say with as much conviction as I possess. “I ain’t going nowhere.”

I promise.

“They need you, Raph. They need you.”

“I promise.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

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As always, comments and critiques are most welcome. We've still a few more chapters to go.

End of Line.