#tomydaughter

Do not leave for as long as you're with me I will keep you safe.

But if you do - To my daughter I will say: do not ever feel it necessary to prove your worth, do not look for it at the bottom of a bottle with burnt lungs because even though your friends will high five you, you will not be able to stand, and

When the boy with the dark eyes but bright smile spots you- run, do not follow him, do not get into the car, do not laugh- run away.

But if you don't- To my daughter I will say: run to me after. We will not call, we will not cry. I will remind you of your strength and how you got my eyes - You will not cry.

And if you do- To my daughter I will say: It is time for a new beginning, for the bottles are empty and the cigarettes are finished and your boy is gone.

To my darling girl,

Today something monumental occurred to me, something that has spun my world on it's axis and righted it back into a mindset not full of fog and general haziness.

Too others this moment may not even seem important, it would seem down right inconsequential but for me and you it was a huge step forward.

What was this moment; well we got out of the door to go to mothers group in under 30 mins.

I know, it sounds crazy. For me though it was the first moment in a crazy whirlwind of 5 months that I actually felt like I knew what I was doing. That I was confident in what I was doing.

I've spent the last 5 months worrying almost constantly that something would go wrong, that in some way I was going to do something to damage you. I worry that I've dressed you to cold or to warm, that it might rain and you'll get wet or that it will be too sunny and you'll burn. I worry that I won't have enough nappies or wipes or that I don't have enough spare clothes. I worry that I'm not stimulating you the right way or that I'm not giving you enough tummy time. I worry that you're not eating enough or that your eating to much. The list is practically endless...

Of course these are just the small worries. I also panic about the bigger picture, about how difficult it is to raise a girl, a woman in this world.

I want you to be brave and independent. To be strong and fearless and to stand on your own two feet but also to know that I will always be here in your corner ready to fight for you or even just to always give you a place to call home.

I want to raise you with all the hopes and dreams in the world, I want you to see the good in people and to be the one who will help when no one else will.

So yes, I've spent the first 5 months of your life in an almost constant state of anxiousness.

Today though for that first few hours I didn't worry. I was confident. I was sure of myself and something monumental occurred to me.

We can do this. I can do this.

My Sweet Sage, 

When heartbreak overcomes you. Pick yourself up off of the floor and lift your head up with pride.

Though your heart may be hurting, though you may feel powerless you are not. The battles of the heart come around every now and then to teach us how we can love harder and stronger than before. 

Think of this sadness as training for the big love that’s yet to arrive. 

Love,