and i can’t help but notice his attempts. over and over how he’d shrink me, belittle me, leave me to figure out my wrongdoings, and create this belief in me that i did it all to myself. that i was always to blame. but i didn’t. and I wasn’t. i would never do that to myself.
i used to say that if i was too much for him, he should go and find less. i’m not sure i believed it then. he said he could handle me, but instead he harbored a relentless hunger for control. over me, over how i showed up in the world and who i was, deeply engrained down in myself. he wanted to alter me to his liking, to grind me down and strip away all my features, my muchness. most times, I allowed it.
to my past self, who endured that for far too long, i apologize. the ache he created when intertwined in my life, to the relief he allowed when i shoved him out. you said you’d regret it, but you never once have.
there is light beyond, i pray you find it.
because you did, and you have.
you found your way back to the light.
