#tmi warning

I mean, my situation isn't that dire right now, if I was a cis perisex woman I'd still have about ten years left before I hit menopause, lots of women have kids in their forties, my mom was two years older than I am now when she gave birth to me, and even lots of normal (said neutrally) women are OK with partnering with guys maybe three or five or ten years older than them so my potential partner pool still includes lots of women in their thirties too.

But, like, at this point, if I partnered with a woman my own age, there'd be a noticeable feeling of, like, if we want a kid that would be basically something we'd have to do now, we wouldn't have a lot of time to try to think it over or improve our life circumstances first and we wouldn't have much time to enjoy being together as a childless couple. I mean, I guess we could do IVF or adopt or I could marry a single mom who already has kids or join a polycule who already have kids, but IIRC the first of those things isn't cheap, and it seems unlikely an affluent woman would want me as a husband (I'm poor), and the second of those things isn't easy, and as for the third of those things, I don't think I have the luxury of being very picky about my partners so I'd rather save my pickiness for being picky about personality compatibility (that seems like by far the most important thing to whether I'd enjoy being with someone for decades).

Whereas if I partnered with an averagely fertile for her age sex weirdo woman maybe 15 years younger than me, we could be much more relaxed about the whole thing. We could easily take maybe 5-7 years to enjoy being together as a childless couple and/or try to put ourselves in a better place for starting a family and be pretty confident that after that we'd manage a natural conception when I'm in my mid to late forties and she's in her early thirties and if she wanted a bigger family at least the conceptions part of having two or three kids would be pretty easy (personally I think I'd prefer having only one kid, I was an only child myself and feel in terms of family dynamic I got the top tier version of being a kid by being an indulgently and attentively parented only child and I kind of want my kid to have that kind of only child privilege too, plus I suspect I'm a spoonie/invisible disability haver and being a dad of an only child would definitely be the easy mode of being a dad, but my hypothetical future wife/partner would be a stakeholder in this too, and I guess some kids might find being an only child isolating, I definitely have a bias there as a person who got along better with adults than with other kids as a kid - another possible nice thing about partnering with a younger sex weirdo woman, we could have one kid and then do a long birth spacing, long enough for our kid to develop the capacity to have and articulate opinions about whether they want to have siblings, so we could directly ask them whether they'd prefer to stay an only child or have siblings to play and socialize with instead of just trying to guess the preferences of their future self while they're still a baby!). There is a sense in which this wouldn't be a very responsible parenting strategy, but - "The researchers estimated that about 3 to 5 percent of sperm from middle-aged and older men carry some potentially pathogenic mutation in the exome (the coding part of the genome). [...] In more concrete numbers, the estimated fraction for men in their thirties was close to 2 percent, while it reached about 4.5 percent for men in their seventies" - that sounds like having kids in your 40s isn't too bad, in the same ballpark of bad as women having kids in middle age, which, like, I support older moms, it's fine to be an older mom, older moms are cool, and having kids in my late 40s instead of my early 40s wouldn't make that much of a difference. If I partner with a younger sex weirdo woman and we give ourselves like 5-7 years to enjoy being a childless couple and/or put ourselves in a good place financially to start a family and she wants multiple kids, I might suggest that our first kid be our sentimental conception (in which she makes them with my sperm that I put into her by having PIV sex with her) and then with her second kid and any after that she do a more optimized to produce a strong and healthy kid reproductive strategy (using sperm from a younger man from a sperm bank or having one of her younger male friends knock her up and having me be just the social father of those kids; I don't have the hang-ups lots of guys seem to have about being "cucked").

By "sex weirdo women" I'm partly thinking about the thriving demographic of tumblrina age gap kinksters, but also, I suspect autistic attraction just tends to kind of be less rigid than neurotypical attraction and this explains a lot about the "either a horny sex weirdo or asexual or somehow both at once" aspect of autistic sexuality. This certainly feels like how my sexuality differs from stereotypical straight man sexuality. My "older woman/younger man age gap kink" feels like just having had basically vanilla sexual and romantic emotions toward middle-aged women when I was in my teens and twenties and having compersion for other (mostly imaginary) young men having sex and romantic relationships with older women. My attraction to chubby women feels like basically attraction to women who happen to be chubby. My attraction to trans women feels like basically just my usual primarily gynephilic cis guy sexual and romantic emotions sometimes being directed toward women who happen to be trans. My "incest kink" feels like just being capable of having basically vanilla sexual and romantic emotions toward people who happen to be my close relatives and being able to have compersion toward (mostly imaginary) people who have the same capacity and are lucky enough to have opportunities to express those feelings relatively safely and relatives who reciprocate the attraction (if you're worried about this, I'm very confident that I won't sexually abuse my kid(s), because I'm not a rapist, and also for moral/duty of care reasons I wouldn't have sex with a minor or a very young adult who's dependent on me for housing and survival money even if they propositioned me and I was attracted to them). Etc.. Of course, it's actually quite normal for neurotypical straight men to be attracted to older women, chubby women, etc., at my age attraction to middle-aged women is socially expected (I'm maybe kind of weird in how much of it I had when I was a teenage boy and a young man), I don't want to overstate the degree to which not being some maximally stereotypical "bro" makes me some kind of special snowflake, but in general it feels to me like insofar as stereotypes of straight man sexuality are based in truth a lot of the ways my sexuality is unconventional might be downstream from typical straight man sexuality being more strongly trained into compliance with socially normative narratives of what's hot to men, and that seems pretty consistent with what feels to me like a plausible major fundamental difference between the autistic personality and the neurotypical personality: autistic brains don't train into compliance with prevailing social assumptions about how we should think and feel as reliably.

I don't think I'd be attractive to the most conventional/stereotypical version of an older man chaser; too poor, too sexually inexperienced, too turned off by maledom/femsub dynamics that remind me of conventional sexism/patriarchal gender roles. But I think I might have relatively high mate value for a young woman with the "safety gets me hot" preference set and a thing for basically cishet men who are a little queerdar-pinging (my younger self would have loved an older woman who got him hot by making him feel safe and loved, so it's relatively easy for me to just take that script, gender-flip it, give it a few tweaks here and there to account for how the dynamics change if the genders are flipped, and put myself in the older person role), and that, uh, sounds like a very autistic tumblrina kind of preference set.

Definitely one of the older guy/younger woman dynamics that I think I might really enjoy being in is, like, that "trans women intergenerational dynamics is chain of trans women kissing the one a generation younger than them and trying to give them a space where things can be OK for them" post but it's older (probably, self-diagnosed) autistic cis guy 4 young autistic woman or woman-adjacent genderqueer person.

Have you been hallucinating lately?

(Note: they did not explain why this is necessary or what they are worried about.)

It doesn’t help that I dislike the gynecologist, who doesn’t explain anything, didn’t offer options or explain why this procedure rather than a different one, didn’t inform me that I needed this procedure but directed that information to the resident who was in the room, and just handed me papers. And I don’t trust her not to casually break confidentiality because my dad and sister are local Big Name Doctors and our last name is unusual. (And this after I went through an unnecessarily circuitous process for getting a referral for my first ever Pap smear because every GP I have ever had has been part of my dad’s friend circle and I wanted no connection to them)

Richard is going through a soup phase. He has not stopped talking about soup and buying soup cups and going to our local ramen place for soup. He is really vibing the soup and I love that for him.

Yesterday, I woke up with a sore throat and assumed I'd die this weekend (I haven't thankfully! At least not in that way) and pilfered his soup collection, so we needed MORE SOUP.

So, he's out with his bestie all day Friday and when I text him after work like "we'll need more soup cup I stole yours" he goes "okay! 🤠! bestie and I will go to GROCERY STORE about it!" And they do and he brings back, y'know, those dry packed ramen bundles you boil and season and stir and put into your bowl and enjoy! Yummy! Instead of our usual bowl packed ones you can use the kettle to make.

The reason FOR this particular change was bc his bestie recommended it, because quote unquote "you guys own bowls". Richard, enjoyer of soup and trying new foods, goes "GREAT POINT BESTIE! 🤠" and grabs the suggested pack. He grabs the RED ONE bc the other option is BLACK and has TIMES 5 OR 10 SPICY PEPPER SYMBOLS and the RED ONE has a TIMES 2 and he's like, "that must be a decent kick! 🤠"

Lads. Lasses. Non-ladnary friends.

A Decent Kick does not even BEGIN to describe the heat.

I ventured to make one of these new soup packs around 4pm when I was like "damn, I have awoken from a nap and should have some sustenance", given that I woke up this morning NOT dying of sore throat disease and friends, and I'd like to KEEP it that way.

So, I go downstairs after Richard's left for errands, and I set about making myself a soup pack. I open the pack and read the instructions and do as it says and make the noodles, and when I grab the sauce packet and open it, I go "hmm....this seems like a LOT of SAUCE"

I shrug. Whatever, I think. I like me some heat!! And it'll clear my sinuses!

I prep it and sit down and start slurping those noods slonky style and on my second slurp, I think WOW. My mouth is HOT. Third slurp I'm like WOAH. MY LIPS TOO.

By the fourth sip, I can feel my lips BURNING and have a pile of no less than 3 serviettes and tissues just FULL of snot and sauce, and I'm thinking, what the fuck. This is so hot. What the fuck.

I continue to try and EAT the noodles bc Richard isn't home so I can't get him to finish them and also, I should really EAT and surely they're not THAT hot, right??

By the seventh slurp. I cannot slurp without tearing up because the heat on the heat ALREADY ON MY LIPS is making me feel the way the volcanic ruins in DREDGE look. Holy fuck.

I stop myself then bc my braincell FINALLY RECOVERS FROM THE HEAT. I text Richard THE NOODS ARE HOT and MY MOUTH IS ON FIRE and I cover the noodles bc Richard is GOOD at HOT so SURELY he'll be able to finish them for me, bc at this point I'm straight up thinking that my heat tolerance sucks actually and I'm being a lil' bitch about it!

I help myself to a slice of cold, refreshing, boston cream pie. And a second one. And I wash my face with cold water. And I retreat to my cave to lose myself in the videos game and hope to GOD my face recovers.

Richard gets home. He has brought our USUAL soup cups with him too, thank GOD. This is where he informs me of the heat ratings and I blanche at the idea of how HOT the dark pack must be then, good LORD. I tell him he can finish mine if he wants bc I sure as shit won't!!!! He grabs the bowl and a set of chopsticks and starts eating them and by slurp two he is red as a tomato and his eyes are watering (his slurps are WAY BIGGER than mine bc he is MUCH BETTER at using chopsticks than I) and he says, as reasonable and matter of factly as can be, "WHEW. I am gonna be shiddin flames tonight!" And I go "WHAT?!?!" and he goes "fiery POOPS Dani" and I go "IT'S HOT FOR YOU TOO??" And he goes "INCREDIBLY" and I look at him and see how red he is and how his eyes are watering and I say "do you want some milk" and he goes "YES PLEASE AND PULL OUT THAT CAKE. I'M GONNA NEED IT!"

So I do just that as he FINISHES THE BOWL LOOKING LIKE HE HAS JUST FOUGHT OFF SATAN HIMSELF and we resolve to either cut the sauce in half OR water it down with milk or cream or smth for the remaining four packs, and maybe top it with an egg or two to cut the damn heat and I go OKAY YOU HAVE FUN WITH THAT.

The evening passes. We finish laundry, change the sheets, retreat to the office to play our viddy games in the same room, eat snacks, watch cartoons, shower, then go to bed, y'know. Domestic bliss, etc etc and I, of course, pass out while waiting for my hair to dry, what else is new.

I wake up three hours later. It's nearly 2am. I wrest myself out from the cat's grip and take off my sweater and go to brush out my wet hair and see if it's wet wet or if I should be good without blow drying, and when I stand out of bed on my two feet???

LADY ABOVE.

My stomach is mad. It is SO mad. I take tums and sit for a mo, yknow, wind down, drink water, save the videos game I left on, shut the laptop down slowly as the stomach presumably gets its shit together, add banter to the latest piece of writing, and then. The grumbles start. Woah nelly!!!!!!

(Boy already broke his neck for it lol)

ANYWAYS THE BRAINROT I SEND UPON YE IS MYDEI HAVING TO TIE HIS IDIOT MANS UP SO HE DONT HURT HIMSELF AGIAN WHILE HE RIDES HIM HEHEH

PHAININ WHINING HE CANT TOUCH HIM IS SO CUTE TO ME.

🦂