#titan tower

For some reason, I keep thinking it was Jason’s blood, not Tim’s… because, well, Jason didn’t slit his throat... that didn’t happen... technically, it could have been Tim’s blood, Jason’s, someone else’s, fake blood, red paint, anything.

But this is just me rambling, so I like to think it was Jason’s blood. It reminds me of the scene where Jason takes off his helmet in front of Bruce, anxiously waiting for him to realize who it is, just so he can smile when he hears Bruce say his name. And his hand didn’t tremble at all when he sliced ​​open his own scalp to get at the flesh, blood, and tissue. I think Bruce had some guesses about that, but Jason did it anyway to force the confirmation. "Check it all. You'll find that it's me." "It won't make me believe." "No, it will. You are a creature of logic and science. You'll to know what I am."

Maybe it’s the same with the writing on the Titans Tower. I mean... Jason realized there wasn't a statue of him in the Tower. The phrase "Jason was here" serves as a reminder to everyone that he was once a Titan too, he had been there fighting alongside them, he was one of them. 

It was also a way of announcing his return. Don't you think he was anticipating their reactions? Did he hope Bruce, Alfred, or anyone else would be happy to see him back? (He sent Alfred a gift in utrh) Did anyone even care that he was alive? Did any of the Titans remember the boy who used to fight with them, or had they forgotten him entirely? He saw that there wasn't a statue of him in the Titans' Tower yet he still wanted them to know he was back, so he wrote those words in his own blood, just as he had done with Bruce. If the Titans wanted to, they could test the blood and confirm it was really him (the handprint might even yield fingerprints, I’m not sure how that works, I don’t really know but I imagine he left enough evidence for them to know it was truly him, just like with Bruce, because... well, because he cared). He was Jason, the real Jason Todd, the second Robin, back from the dead and he was right there. Did anyone care?

Haha, so I find myself wondering what they did with that message. It seems like they’d just wash it off... but I keep thinking about how perhaps Jason was likely waiting to see how they’d react, whether they’d even bother (because why else would he left that message I think it’s likely that he really did care)... but in the end, it seems they didn't, because nothing happened afterward. No one came looking for him. I don't think Jason really had any clear expectations about it, he probably didn't even count on them verifying it and coming to confront him, though it would have been great if they had. But it seems there was no reaction from them at all. Maybe they didn't get it tested, maybe they didn't believe it was actually him. Or worse, they knew but simply didn't care. No one cares about him, no one cares whether he's alive or dead.

If I were to write this like some terrible Titans Tower AU fanfic, the Titans would be absolutely furious upon seeing that message, convinced Jason had used Tim's blood to write it. They’d be dead set on that idea, even though Tim hadn't actually lost that much blood. They wouldn't have time to dwell on the writing or get it tested because they’d be too busy fussing over poor, weak, pitiful Timmy who’d just been attacked by a terrorist and had no way to fight back. They’d probably scrub the message away in a hurry, seething with rage at how cruel and heartless Jason was for using Tim's blood like that. They’d likely think back to the boy who used to fight alongside them, telling themselves they’d known all along he was no good and bound to go down the wrong path, and the current situation would just prove it *cough cough Raven saying Jason always believed he’d surpass them all cough cough cough cough*. But they wouldn't dwell on it for long, they’d be too busy caring about poor tiny little baby Tim 🥺 and completely forgot about Jason's message. And Bruce cares more about the Joker. And Alfred certainly cares more about Bruce. Hey, it doesn't matter anyway. No one cares.

He looked different; It felt like I had not seen him in ages. He certainly looked different. But his black hair was the same. My heartbeat quickened as he approached. Closer and closer.

The black suit with blue over his chest suited him well. Dick and Kori approached one another and gave each other a quiet squeeze with their hands and I looked away awkwardly. What was I thinking, this is bad, this crush is bad.

I evaded the couple and somehow my eyes drifted to the new member. He too had black hair, and wore the robin suit. And my breath hitched at the sight.

No. Not again. Not this again.

But I felt that he was feeling perplexed. My face must have shown too much. I felt naked under his eyes. They were the color of emeralds– of evergreen trees– of a forest so lush that the scene would always take your breath away.

I was facing the newcomer but my eyes looked elsewhere.

“You must be Damian.” I said rubbing my arm, hoping he had really not noticed what I have been trying to hide for so long.

“Yeah.” He replied, and my eyes couldn’t help but flicker at him. I felt a different kind of breathlessness when I heard his voice and it amplified when his green eyes stared back at me. 

In my mind, I saw a man with black hair overlap his figure but it was so blurry, that I wasn’t sure if it matched. I couldn’t even see his face, and soon after I could barely recall the image.

But I knew for a fact that I had seen very briefly the man I’ve been dreaming about. And that his image was overlapping over Damian. Somehow it felt almost so right. But didn’t I feel a similar thing with Dick and Tim?

I blinked in confusion. The thought disappeared from my mind. And there was just him. A boy I just met that wore such a perplexed expression on his face.

Even in his confusion, it felt like it was mine too. 

He must have noticed. I looked away in shame.

“Do you—do you want help?” I offered, waving a hand at his duffle bags.

“Oh—uh—sure.” He said and offered me the smaller bag. Our fingers lightly brushed one another and I felt both our confusion through the contact. There seemed to be something there. No, it’s probably in my head.

After all, it’s a Robin.

This would only make it the third time that I fell for the boy in the costume.

I really do have a type. I couldn’t help but click my tongue silently.

“I thought you said he had an attitude?” I heard Kori ask Nightwing as I turned on my heel.

“I honestly can’t believe this. He actually even offered his bag.” I heard Nightwing reply. I felt Damian’s emotions turn sour.

“Let me lead you to the tower then, and your room.” I quickly said and somehow it quelled his anger. “By the way, this is Garfield,” I said as I pointed at Garfield. “And this is Jaime, and the one talking with Nightwing is Kori, which I’m sure you already know.”

I hear him hum a response as I feel his acknowledgement to the information and I nod. My pace was a bit hurried but Damian matched it well. I just didn’t want to see them. It hurt even more when I saw Dick from the back, the pain would be laced with the faintest hint of fear. And I don’t know why, I never know why.

Dick was Kori’s boyfriend. I don’t understand why I was feeling this way.

This obsession I have over men with black hair, must have stemmed from the dreams I’ve been having recently. No, to be honest, these dreams weren’t a recent occurrence. I just so happened to be more aware now. This man whom I have been longing for—for who knows how long– would I even recognize you?

When I saw Dick Greyson for the first time in his Robin uniform, my heart was beating so loudly. I was convinced everyone could hear it. But when his mask was off, I was overwhelmed with such great disappointment. The same thing happened with Tim Drake. I was at the point of wishing for this dream man to arrive already. But I could barely see that person, even in my dreams, everything was a blur. And the moment he slipped out of my mind, I instantly forget that I even longed for him.

You. Who has been haunting my dreams. Who are you?

“Raven?” Someone called out as a hand wrapped around my wrist, I looked up and saw beautiful green eyes. And I felt like the world just stopped for a moment.

No. Not again.

I quickly evaded his green eyes as I calmed my heart down and pulled away a bit too quickly.

“I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be rude.” I added when I felt his disappointment and confusion.

“Rae, are you okay, you just stopped walking.” Garfield said his hand extended to touch me.

I don’t even know what you look like—this man in my dreams. 

I looked at Garfield with a downcasted gaze and sighed aloud, “Yeah, just… you know, just worried about our mission…” I shook my head and smiled trying to dispel the longing I had for a stranger. 

It was unfortunate, but the longing was more of a distraction than anything. 

“Anyways, we got a new member. Kori plans to have a small get-together–” I had turned to Damian but froze as I stared at his serious gaze. The feeling that told me that there was this level of familiarity had gripped me so tightly that I couldn’t think.

“Rae?” Garfield placed an arm around my shoulder, breaking me from the sheer and raw emotion that was clawing at me. Demanding to be acknowledged. 

“I’m sorry, my head is aching again.” I gave a little shake of my head as I touched my temple with one hand. 

Garfield looked at me worriedly and nodded, “Why don’t I take the new guy around and you go and rest.” He glanced at the bag I was holding and took it away from me. I sighed aloud and gave Damian a small smile.

“Sorry.” I politely said and Damian smiled at me in such a pure manner that I was left startled by it. I nervously looked away from him and Garfield as I mumbled a thank you to the green boy.

I quickly rushed back into my room, I felt quite overwhelmed. There were just way too many new things happening. In some cases, some reoccurring things too. I can’t keep falling for each man with black hair. Well, it seems like it’s a natural course for my heart to skip a beat the moment I see black hair.

I sighed aloud as I slumped down to the floor against my room door. The coolness was oddly comforting.

This was ridiculous. I can’t keep doing this.

But it’s not like I was doing this on purpose.

I brought my legs to my chest as I hugged them and buried my face in my legs.

‘You are such a foolish child.’ I rolled my eyes at my father’s words.

“I’m quite well aware.” I mumbled, but I am sure my father didn’t know the details of my dilemma, just my general emotions. The thought was comforting.

‘I wonder what that orange-haired friend of yours would think if she knew how your heart beats when you see her boyfriend.’ I sighed aloud. Azar, I hope Kori wouldn’t ever know. I can’t even explain why I felt like this every time. I admit, I even started feeling something for the newcomer too.

Azar, make this end. 

I squeezed my eyes but the image of black hair and a sunset behind the dark figure came to mind. 

“Why can’t I see your face?” I whispered, feeling exhausted even though I had just woken up. 

~.~.~.~.~.~

Somehow Damian and I became close. It felt rather organic. Right even. Like it was destiny. 

Sometimes when I see him I would feel my hands become sweaty, my heart would beat a little too fast and I couldn’t breathe. But this wasn’t new to me. I had felt this way for his older brothers too. It was unfair for him if he caught on to how I was reacting around him when… Well, honestly, I act the same way, around each other Robin that came my way.

I had to control whatever this is– because clearly this wasn’t love or a mere crush. It just seemed like a toxic obsession. And I didn’t want Damian to be the third victim of this yearning that has been consuming me whole.

It’s just so unfair. I just wish I could see the face of the man that has got me feeling like this, then maybe I can find him and not look for some replacement. Because at this point, it just feels like I am looking for his next potential replacement.

And I already feel so bad when I look at Damian and think: maybe it’s him.

This needs to stop. I need to let him go. This stranger that I knew I loved with everything I had to offer. It’s kinda funny–sad really– how certain I am that I love him when I have never even dated someone and love someone that way. At least in this life, all those were foreign to me.

I suspect that maybe that black haired man in my dreams was someone from a past life. 

He must have really left an impression on me. Or rather my soul. For me to continue looking for him the way that I was. Too long for him and his presence. 

But I need to let him go. I need to tell someone. And I know just who to let this all out. 

Damian.

He wouldn’t judge me.

And so I did. I told him how I had liked his brothers but not how he himself was making me feel– the same thing as they had. Because whatever I was feeling for Damian was likely the same as his brothers– just a fleeting emotion that stemmed from wanting to fill a void that just can’t be filled in by just anyone. 

I know that the only one who could fill the void is the man in my dreams. It had to be him. But I don’t know who he is. 

And this is just so exhausting. 

I need space to not be driven by this longing for a stranger.

And even when I decided to put up a shield so I don’t feel others emotions Damian did not judge me. I do find it odd how easily I bonded with him, but there is this strong sense of doubt that would tell me that maybe we got close because of my desperation to fill my longing for that stranger– with gorgeous black hair.

But that doesn’t matter now. I have made my decision.

I’m letting him go, and hopefully this longing for him would vanish too.

My days went by peacefully. It felt like I was freed from shackles that I didn’t even know were there until they were gone. 

I felt so light.

So relieved. 

Every passing moment felt more meaningful as I wasn’t keeping an eye out to meet this man in my dreams. I admit, there were times I would find myself thinking about those dreams– that I can’t really recall. And then there would be some thoughts that linger in my head. 

Like how I know he had a nice smile, but it wasn’t like I could see it in my dream because the light was just too bright or the fact that he looked like a mere shadow. 

But I knew it to be a fact.

There were times however, where I felt like there was a familiar gaze on me and I was certain that for a moment, it was the person I was longing for. And when I try to look for the source I see no one out of the ordinary or more like no one was looking at me. 

I admit though, there were times that my eyes would meet the vibrant green eyes of Damian. And Azar, I admit, I desperately wished that it was him. 

Then I remember that I thought the same of Tim because Dick left an impression that seemed to have caused a domino effect on me. Every man after Dick with black hair just screamed at me, seeking my attention.

Because if I didn’t pay attention to them, it felt like I wouldn’t be able to breathe.

“Raven.” I looked up from writing in my journal, jumping a little on my bed as I was startled. 

It was Damian and he looked rather conflicted. I was laying on my bed with my belly down as I wrote. I didn’t notice him enter my room or knock. But by the way he stayed by the door I could tell that he likely had been trying to get my attention for a while and opted to enter because he had something important to say.

I didn’t really mind. I often think about why I allow Damian to do things I normally wouldn’t want others to do. I think it’s because of his black hair. A trait I can’t seem to resist. 

I sat up, closing my journal and waving it and disappeared, “Sorry, I was consumed in my writing. I like to write and let my thoughts out.” 

Damian stared at me and nodded, “I understand, I keep a journal myself too.”

I was surprised by the information and a smile bloomed on my face. I casted my gaze down, trying to hide the amusement in my eyes from him. When I knew that I wasn’t giving my emotions away I looked back at him and he looked rather nervous which made me frown.

He was rubbing his arm and stayed at the same spot, his eyes avoiding me.

“What’s wrong?” I asked cautiously and his eyes flickered at me and I could clearly see the guilt. I found myself at a loss for words. It was almost like there was a voice from within me telling me that he should never feel guilty. He should never look at me like that.

“I didn’t want to.” He began and I furrowed my brows. I gestured for him to take a seat on my bed and he walked to me with guilty eyes.

He sat on the bed with his head bowed as he continued, “Dick suggested I ask for your help– and Batman– he… he ordered it.”

I pressed my lips, patiently waiting for him to clearly state his intentions.

He looked up at me and the guilt in those green eyes knocked my breath away. For a moment, I had thought that my shield was down. He made me feel that guilt with that one look. It felt so familiar too. Like I’ve seen him look at me like that before, but I know I haven’t. 

This was the first time I ever saw him this vulnerable.

So why was the sense of him looking at me like that– so strongly wrong?

But I controlled myself and the emotion I was feeling. I reached out for him, my hand on top of his and stared at him earnestly with an encouraging smile on my lips.

He stared back at me for a moment and then sighed aloud, closing his eyes, “I know you had just told me that you placed your shield up,” His eyes opened and the guilt was still there, “And I understand why you did it. And I must sound like such an ass for saying this, but I need you to bring it down. I need your help. I didn’t want to have to get you involved because I know–”

I squeezed his hand and he looked down at our hands then looked up at me and I told him, “Consider it done.” I didn’t even know the details, but I trust that Damian wouldn’t ask me such a thing if it wasn’t important.

He blinked at me, “Raven, you don’t have to do this I–”

I smiled at him and he seemed to have frozen and I shook my head, “You wouldn’t be asking if it wasn’t important. So, what is the mission?”

I chewed my lower lip as I tried to focus, the way Damian was looking at me was making me think of the phantom man in my dreams. Almost everything would lead back to that man. 

Damian was looking at me right now as if he was wondering how he got someone so great at his side. And I was being washed by this overwhelming familiarity and longing. 

He inhaled heavily as I found him looking at our hands and he fidgeted with my hand. It was the first time that he did this but I didn’t hate it. Again, it just felt familiar and right.

“I need you to use your empathic abilities like a tracker.” He started and I nodded, low-key enjoying the warmth from his rough hands. “We will have to be undercover at Gotham Academy for this mission. Something is up and I honestly can’t figure it out. They were hoping your particular skill set can help.”

I was silent and he looked up at me with worry.

“I’ve never been to a school.” I smiled weakly while raising my shoulders a little bit. I understood now why he was so guilty. I didn’t want to feel others' emotions and here he was asking me just that.

“I’m sorry…” He couldn’t help but say, squeezing my index finger and for that second I wished he had intertwined his fingers with mine.

I shook my head to remove the thought from my mind, “You wouldn’t be asking if this wasn’t important.” I stood up letting go of his hand before I acted on my impulses. “I guess we have to meet Batman or Dick to be briefed?” I smiled faintly, putting my hands behind my back, still feeling his touch.

And how much I was longing for it. I hope it wasn’t clear on my face.

He nodded then stood up, his fingers fidgeting against each other as if he had lost something. He then brushed invisible dust off his thighs, “Yeah, they have prepared your cover in case you’d say yes.”

I smiled and then adapted a teasing tone to lighten the mood up, “I bet they prepared it knowing I won’t say no.”

He shook his head with a small smile on his lips.

“I mean, how could I say no to my leader?” I added, glancing at him as I took a step toward the door and it looked like his eyes were sparkling.

“You could always say no to me, I wouldn’t be angry.” He said and I was surprised with his words, causing me to stop in my tracks. 

I crossed my arms and raised a brow at him. “Oh really? A lot of the members would insist that you have some favoritism toward me– and if they hear that, they will be very convinced about this favoritism you have.” 

He laughed a little at my words and the laughter felt familiar. I wondered if Dick and Tim made me feel like this when they do these kinds of little things. I pushed the thought away. It’s always just me feeling this way.

“Maybe I do.” He shrugged his broad shoulders as he walked away from me, leaving me speechless.

“Well? Aren’t we going to Batman?” Damian asked, peeking at me by the door. I looked at him with clear annoyance.

“You really should keep that to yourself. The team would not be happy.” I replied walking toward him. He looked thoughtful and then ultimately shrugged.

I was annoyed. The small interaction I had with him right now, made me long for that man in my dreams. And this longing was even deeper than normal. And that is saying a lot as I knew that the longing was pretty heavy as it already is.

And yet also, I couldn't help but wonder if his words were serious. And if that statement was real, was I really his favorite or maybe it was someone else and he was just teasing me. 

But if it was really me, then why me? 

The thought of him favoring me made my heart flutter.

Did I even deserve it?

‘No. You locked up your own father.’ Trigon suddenly said and I rolled my eyes. 

~.~.~.~.~.~