I’ve written D&D characters that have tragic backstories and noble intentions. I’ve written D&D characters that have gazed upon eldritch horror too terrible to describe, who were never quite right again. Spies, warriors, bards, monks. I’ve spent altogether too long thinking up their backstories, their motivations, their moral compasses, their relationships, the losses they mourn, hell, even their favorite foods.
...And then there’s this asshole, who took a maximum of 5 total minutes to come up with, and is the most fun I’ve ever had with a D&D character.
He’s a rich fancy elf who only got into wizard school because his daddy is the headmaster, and only got into adventuring because his daddy told him he had to. He speaks with a full on british accent, and also rolls his Rs. He uses his conjuration skills almost entirely to hand out action figures of himself. He’s perpetually on the verge of draping himself across a loveseat. Sometimes he gets tired of walking whilst adventuring and conjures up an unseen servant to carry him like a small child. He has a really long Elvish name that I’ve never ever said out loud, because the only thing you need to know about the best fucking character I’ll ever come up with is that he insists that his name, translated into Common, is “Glorious Sexual Magnificence.”
Oh, and he has a familiar, who he hates, and has named Shitbird.
I have coveted @thwipped‘s art from a distance for several years now, and getting to see my beautiful fancy idiot elf portrayed in their style is so fucking cool. They’re accepting commissions, and really, if they can successfully render this dumbass based only on the pile of hot garbage I emailed them for a description, they can probably make your dream a reality too. Go buy something from them.
