#thoughtspiral

And it would also be great to be able to just walk anywhere at anytime without feeling unsafe, but that's for another day.

Also, I hang out with people who are extremely creative and not very academically oriented. I'm not creative in the least. So among a bunch of artists who can literally make movies and paintings, I look more studious or "intelligent" than I really am.

Because I'm really not. I'm the most average person both in terms of looks and intelligence. I love to read, but the books I read are mostly fantasy fiction and I don't think reading fiction makes you smarter or anything. Its more like an escape for me.

This makes me worry about my future all the more. Because all my artistic friends are extremely creative and my academic friends spend more time on studies and do better than me. So I'm just stuck in a limbo, not having the best of either world. Just being utterly average at everything.

Honestly I don't know what the point of this post is. I was just thinking this all of last night while trying to sleep. Does anyone else feel this way?

I'm me, I'm real and I need to stop trying to imagine this ideal and unachievable version of myself. I keep trying to run away from my life, hoping to have a better life this time around. Uprooting everything and moving every couple of years, hoping to start fresh. It never works. I need to accept myself and the fact that moving to a new place is not going to change anything. It's exciting at first but then I fall back into the same routine. The same fears, the same doubts, the same yearning for a better life and a better me who does everything right and is good at everything. It's a very unsustainable way to live. We're all human and we have flaws.

Hello Universe, 

Today I realized that I have pushed all my friends away. These past few years I have slowly been creating a rift between me and all the people I used to be close too. 

Now I have one friend. One friend I depend on for all social interaction. In fact, many of the friends I have lost were in an attempt to strengthen this friendship. TO prove to her that I was loyal, that  I was the friend she was looking for. 

Can you guess how it is turning out? If you guessed - “down hill”- then you are correct. Now, as a grown adult, I find myself alone. 

That said, I do not blame her. After all, it was I (not her) made the choices I  made. It was I who ignored how i was feeling. It was I who never set boundaries with myself or her. It was I who isolated myself and never reached out. 

Pack unpack

Pack unpack

Pack unpack

Keep moving.

My life has become a constant series of opening and closing boxes.

Giving away everything I don't need everytime I move.

Carrying less and less with me with every move.

At one point I'll be left with nothing.