#chinalog

March 30th 2013

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So it's been a little over a month since I've arrived in Guangzhou, China, a lot of things have happened and it's almost unbelievable that just over a month ago that I was still in SD. 

Things haven't exactly gone as planned (not that I'm complaining, it's been amazing), since I thought I'd be traveling A LOT more, for example, a different country every other weekend. WOMP, which is not happening thanks to my VISA problem, so instead maybe explore inland China starting SOON. Not saying I won't be visiting other countries, maybe near the end of the semester, something I hope I can make happen.

Other than that, I've made some good friends, running with the right crowd kind of thing. Interesting, the only time I make REAL foreigner friends is in China. Says a lot about America huh? People don't really mix and it's a shame, because it's great meeting people of other cultures. 

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People are generally friendlier here (Just the students, I don't know how many times I've said "Fucking Chinese" already, Gawwd, people are rude), either that or it's because I am Chinese but I mesh well considering I've known the people here for less than a month.  (I don't think it's cause I am Chinese EHEM)

So far, most of my free time is spent shopping or eating. There's still a lot of places I've yet to go to, so hopefully I can somehow squeeze them into my schedule. ONLY FOUR months left, time really does fly here.  I've also been spending a lot more time with my grandparents, and elders in general and there's a lot to learn from them if you actually listen. Just the difference in the circumstances of our upbringing is huge. Makes me realize just exactly how fortunate I am to be in my "situation". 

Going to keep this short since there's a lot of things I don't exactly want to share or know how to put into words exactly (and because my friends want to go shopping) .

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I just need to remind myself some words my Grandfather mentioned to me today. "I've faced life's greatest hardship, and I've endured it. Since then, there is nothing that life can throw at me that will scare me." "If you do not fear hardship, if you do not fear failure, then you will be successful."

I honestly can't believe stuff like this happen. And I still can't believe I am on the other side of the globe, away from everything and everyone that I know. 

*This is solely me writing down my thoughts and most of it is nonsense.

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"Shu Yaan..."

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The same night I was telling myself that I needed to get my head out of my ass, start pushing myself in the direction I wanted and really my Uncle called me for a night out. "Karaoke" he said. I was hesitant at first, despite being a saturday night I wanted to stay at home (and continue watching motivational and inspirational videos on youtube) and even created a bunch of excuses like, "My dorm closes at 12, I don't think I should go", "I have homework", blah blah blah, and I guess luckily for me, my uncle dismissed my bullshit and settled on picking me up and gave me two hours to get ready.

Half an hour drive, we get there, and instantly it dawned on me. "Karaoke my ass", I was instantly put in an extremely uncomfortable position amongst people whose experience heavily exceed mine in a setting unfamiliar to myself. In a way this was a chance for me to break out of my nervous wreck of a shell, and also to really get used to socializing with potential "persons of asset". Women are introduced, drinks are shared, and games are played. Everyone pushed me "to be more bold", "flirt more", blah blah blah, and they shoved two girls onto me for that purpose. The language barrier was finally kicking in. I could not speak Mandarin and can barely pick up a few words here and there. It served as a reminder, that I came here as a "sponge" to soak up all the traits, wisdom, knowledge and experience that can be offered and really "grow the fuck up" in preparation for the real world. 

Skipping the details of that night. . .on the outside it was just a ordinary "let's get fucked up Saturday night" and a "let's show the American boy what China has to offer".  ...Which is great and all but it might have been a little more than that for me. A wake up call?

Everyone in my generation is babied to the point that we really do not understand what it means to be an adult till reality slaps us in the face, and sometimes, that slap isn't enough and we end up crumbling under our own excess.  "Rolling in our shit, under our shit, and never managing to get on top of our shit." Etc. 

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In America, my peers would consider me a responsible individual who works hard and possess strong convictions. I'm beginning to realize that my drive to succeed just isn't enough, it's nearly non-existent and that I am none of the above. Despite possessing a level of opportunity that dwarfs that of the Chinese here, my level of drive and motivation is hardly a fraction of the Chinese. Everyone in that room have been working and actively engaging in society and feverishly pushing towards their goal and dreams while up to few days ago, all I can think about was how I can impress a certain individual, whether or not I should cut my hair, how I am going to stay in touch with people that honestly don't care about me and even the outfit I should be wearing on a daily basis. While I am not saying those are not things I shouldn't think about, I should really reflect my priorities. I need to reevaluate them and think about how I can better myself everyday, both mentally and physically. 

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"Shu Yan". . .that look on her face told me she was just as surprised as I was. . .

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Being in the phase of denial that I've been since the year started, I've been really questioning my work ethic, my goals, and what I want in life. Meeting "Shu Yaan"( might have been the little push I needed to get started. She, who I barely met, was somehow able to really break down a lot of my limitations and restrictions that I now realize were all self-imposed.

Maybe it was her wonderful smile or maybe it was just her embrace, whatever it was, it has given me the strength to abandon and throw away the things that have held me back and look forward unclouded. Amazing, how someone you just met, and you will probably never meet again can really become the catalyst to something potentially much bigger, while people that you thought would matter in your life would never be able to amount to a change this powerful. 

. . .

They call me the "Little Emperor" and say things like "Please watch over me in the future". Right now, I'm the one that needs to be watched, I'm the one that needs help. But from now,

Everyday, I will constantly, and consistently build myself to match, earn, and exceed the expectations of those who love me and hate me. 

To constantly reminding and reconfirming exactly what I want. To becoming someone that I can truly love and be proud of. To embracing my flaws and to conquering myself and any obstacles that will present itself here on out.